10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

Anonymous

I had been single and sexless for 2 years 5 months 7 days.

It was by choice, not because "I was a loser" as some may think and label; or because I am one of those women who think they don't need a man. I am an independent, and strong woman who needs a man in life for friendship, companionship, safe regular enjoyable sex filled with love and emotions, someone to experience new things with, someone to come home to and go out with.

But at that time I decided that I should give some break to dating or being in a committed a relationship because my last boyfriend deserved a bit of grieving after, and I was not in a situation to be with someone emotionally, or to share my body with someone. Mind me, I was always a relationship person and never liked casual things. And I was surrounded by my girl friends who got in relationships and dating right after their breakups, because they either could not handle themselves when they were alone; or because they thought rebound is a great way to get over previous person. Well, I never thought that it is fair to a guy that I use him to forget someone else and waste his time; and I was never one of those who can't deal with self.

Anyways. Long story short, I am glad I gave a break to dating for a while to discover myself and learn new things. Now I reflect to my decision, and the time I spent single, I am satisfied and happy so I would like to share things I learnt during my long dry single spell.

1. I learnt to love and appreciate myself

Following my breakup, and the first couple months were hard for me. I had just moved to a new city with a new job. I was away from my family. I literally did not have a single friend. I had a job I hated, and a messy roommate I had problems with. I blamed myself at first, and got depressed. Yet, I noticed I was not that weak to give up on my life, and be miserable. I tried to do things to enjoy myself and to lift my spirit. I got out and tried to meet new people. I tried to pick new hobbies, and went to gym regularly to take care of myself. In the end, I noticed there was nothing more important than myself. I started contacting my family and friends more. I did not change my job, but I grew to like it more as I connected better with my boss and colleagues. I started loving my own company. I appreciated myself more as I discovered how strong and resilient I was, and how I pulled myself out of a bad situation. I believe appreciating yourself more, and giving credits to your personal achievements is more fulfilling than anything else in life.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

2. I learnt that being alone is normal and I enjoy my own company

When I was with my ex, I was always trying to surround myself with people; and of course, trying to be with him all the time. I did not like to be alone, and I felt like if I am alone it means I am not lovable person; I am not kind, or social; and I must conform to society and should not be a loner. However, the more I spent time with myself, the more I discovered myself. The more I discovered myself, the more confident I became in my own abilities, I was surer about what I want from my life, what I like and what I dislike. When you know what you want, it is much easier to set goals, focus on accomplishing them and feel satisfied.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

3. I learnt that it is OK to be single and I am not the only one

I was 25, got out a relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry. That was devastating. I felt the rush and worry that I will never be able to find someone. I was getting old, and everyone around were getting married, living together with their partners, even having cars, houses together, and planning to make kids. I was pressured and upset every time I hear someone getting married, every time someone sent me a wedding invitation. Yet, I noticed that there are as many single people as I am out there, and the marriage and having kids at that age is not that important. Sure, it is nice to have someone in your life. Yet, there are many things in life to discover, and first of all, yourself, your dreams, and what exactly you want. So, it is okay to be single; and there are many adults out there who are single by choice and enjoying their lives. It is not the end of life ultimately. I noticed that some people are meant to have family, and some are not. Some have greater cause to be in this world, and you got to find what you love and what that cause is to feel more satisfied with your life rather than focusing on what others were doing.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

4. I learnt new skills I had not known before

When I was in a relationship, I did not bother myself to learn certain things like fixing my own car, changing the oil, assembling new furniture, fixing clogged sink etc. I noticed I am alone, and I must do these things by myself without a manpower. I gained these skills by myself, and I am not afraid lying down under a car to fix stuff, or cutting grass, or using hammer and screwdriver to install blinds on windows.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

5. I spent more time learning new hobbies

While I was in a committed relationship, I was also getting new hobbies but I had limited time improving them. I always preferred to spend time with my boyfriend or getting common hobbies with him to do together. Of course, we had “me-time” and “my-thing” but time was restricted to spend on your passion. During my single time, I finally picked my violin and improved myself. I started learning Dutch, and improve my German. The variety of things I do in origami increased. I had more time watching Scandinavian cinema, and spending more time to educate myself. I built my own garden, and grew my own vegetables. I learnt the art of soap-making and made different types of soaps to gift my friends. And all these new things made me more confident in my skills, and made me notice what I can accomplish when I want to.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

6. I learnt the difference between needing and wanting a partner

During my single time, I had guys who wanted to go out, date, and simply have sex. I felt lonely from time to time and I went out with couple of them. Yet, I let all of them know that I do not want a relationship, serious or casual so that they knew what they were signing up for. Finally, when I decided that I want to go back to dating pool, I noticed that needing a partner comes from the fact that you feel lonely, and you would like to settle with the first person you meet. In the beginning, I had a problem weeding out people I do not like simply because I was not sure if I want the guy, or if I am lonely and need the guy. I dated someone for about 6 months until I noticed he was a player, and full of bullshit. When I gave a break to dating this guy, and putting an no-contact period, I noticed I am too lonely and I needed a company, not that I wanted him. This made me realize not settle down for less than I deserve just because I need company. I learnt that I should decide that I want a man for his friendship, loyalty, respect, kindness, affection and many more; not need him for sex, company to fill my lonely time, his money, car or looks.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

7. I learnt to not idealize my ex and not wish “could have been”

I had finally realized that there was no point in idealizing and glorifying my ex, how good he was, blaming myself for every single mistake that led to breakup, and wishing I had done things differently, and of course dreaming about what could had happened if I would have done differently. These thoughts were only stealing from my time, and taking me down. I did not need any of these things. I came to conclusion that we were not meant to be together no matter what and how I did things differently. And glorifying him made me irrationally selective when it came to assessing guys I met even if they were not in my dating zone as I wanted to be single. I noticed that glorifying or idealizing my ex would make me never get over him, and love another guy again. Once I realized all these things, I focused only good memories and good things with him without putting him at a “God” level, put everything behind me, and finally noticed how big my heart is to love a person who was not meant to be with me. I told myself “Look if your heart is this big, think about how much you will love the right person when he comes by.”

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

8. I traveled more, did fun stuff more, and found creative ways to meet people

I believe that the best time in life to travel and explore more is when you're single, energetic, and open to experience new things to the fullest, when you want, and how you want. I had traveled with my boyfriend, and a group of friends as well. I know how fun and romantic it is and I don’t deny it. But it’s kind of a compromise and sacrifice. He wants to visit a museum, you want to visit another museum. You want to visit Russia in winter, he wants to visit Mexico. So it is pretty hard to please everyone at the same time. Yet, when you’re travelling alone, you do whatever you want, whenever you want. You are more flexible, open to adventures, and meeting new people. I also started going out to concerts, ballet, opera, musicals, and music festivals with my friends or alone. And I developed more self-confidence to be outgoing and meet new people, and make new friends.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

9. I spent more time with my friends and family

I know not every relationship falls into this category. But most of us start ignoring our friends and family or spend less time once we are in a relationship. For me, in my last relationship, we had same social circle, so that made it relatively easier to hang out with others. But for my friends outside that circle, I all the time had reasons to cancel on things: “I and he will do this that day” “Sorry we had something planned out.” And whenever you have time to meet your friends, all you talk about is your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or their boyfriend, or girlfriend. When you are single, you spend more time discovering your friends in different perspectives, their fears, their dreams, even the smallest thing about what food they like. This makes you much closer to your friends. So. in my long single dry spell I connected with my past friends, and got much closer with my current friends.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

10. I learnt to satisfy myself better sexually

Well, I always felt the need that I need penetration, kisses of someone, the warmth of a body to enjoy my sexuality. Of course, it is much better to be with a man. However, I discovered my body more when I masturbated more. I enjoyed having a vibrator rather than feeling ashamed for it. I found new spots I feel aroused on my body. Also, when I started dating guys, instead of jumping in bed, I met guys that I connected deeply and became friends without sex for quite some time. This gave me a good opportunity to weed out people who are just into me for my looks and vagina.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long

Conclusion

All in all, I never regret that I have spent my almost three years being single. I discovered a lot of new things about myself, my family, my friends, and life. I discovered things I want for my future and for my partner. I learnt to appreciate good things, be optimistic, and not focus on past, but enjoy present. I discovered my sexuality in different ways, and I am glad I did not go for a rebound. I suggest everyone taking some time after a relationship to reflect, to learn new things, to take it easy on self, and build a better self.

Thanks for reading my take. Hope you enjoy. Looking forward to hearing your comments, and critiques.

10 Things I Learnt After Being Single For So Long
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