Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

Anonymous

Why Am I Writing This?

I am a 27-year-old woman. I have been actively dating since I was 22. Before then, during high school, I rather focused on getting into a good college. Then during college, again I focused on my educational career. I had flings, and the guys I liked. Yet, most of them were either taken, or one way another it did not really work out. In this short span of dating-relationship life, I have had my share of experience with long distance relationships (LDRs).

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

My Background with LDRs

With my very first boyfriend and sex partner, I dated for 1 year and we basically lived together. Then, after graduation, work separated us in two different continents: Europe to North America. We decided to go for long distance relationship. It lasted about 9 months, and we noticed neither of us really wanted to make sacrifices in our career to close the distance.

With my second boyfriend, we knew each other from college but we were not single at that time. I was with my first boyfriend, and he was with some girl. It started out when I visited him in Europe and stayed with him for a week, but just as friends. No sex involved, just a small kiss before I left, then it started out. We were together for about 2 years, then we parted our ways due to our different perceptions in communication, visits, and financial stuff.

Questions to Ask

So, after these two relationships and based on the experiences I have heard from my other girlfriends, I finally created a set of questions to ask before going for another LDR, if I really want to. I would like to share them with you.

1. Is a distant relationship really your only option?

First and foremost, you should ask the question if distant relationship is your only option. Remember that LDRs need extra emotional maturity and endurance. And sometimes you may feel unhappy and miserable; you may extremely miss someone and feel very lonely. No person go for relationships to be unhappy. Single life is always much easier and simpler than couple life. We go for being in relationships to be happy. Most satisfying relationships are generally the proximity ones that we nurture ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally by being intimate. Distance is an obstacle in front of intimacy, and it will lead to many things, such as missed birthdays, anniversaries etc. Therefore, you should consider your options and situation whether LDR is only option for you. For example, you may have just gotten married but due to deployment in another country (military let’s say), LDR is avoidable. Or you are at a very mature age and you would like to have kids and family, let’s say 35, and you would like to try with your partner. Yet, when you are 18, and a college student, you have abundant options, and LDR is most likely not suitable and not the best option to consider since you have a life in front of you and countless opportunities to take and make experiences.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

2. Are you fine with not having physical contact?

This is by far the first and most important question to ask yourself after you decide that distant relationship is the only option for you and if you’re a sexually active person. Are you ready to have long periods of not having physical contact with your partner? Is this something bearable for you, or would it make you likely cheat on him or her? Other than these potential questions to honestly answer, you should also consider several ways physical contact creates a positive difference. For example, you may have a small fight over video chat. When you’re physically in the same place, you may simply kiss and peace out. When you’re apart, have a small unimportant argument over Skype, sometimes it gets bigger because you do not have the chance to show your partner that you care, you’re upset or sorry, and then you can’t kiss and peace out.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

3. Are you free enough for video-chats, texts etc.?

You should know that all relationships need effort, work, time and money investment on top of emotional and mental; yet, LDRs need more than that. You have to put extra effort to let your partner know that you’re here for him or here, what you’re doing, with whom you’re doing, where you were etc. And sometimes time difference is a big issue. This is not to be control freak and not in excessive amounts. For example, I knew that on Thursdays my ex was going to a Foosball club. However, if he doesn’t text me good night message by 8 PM my time, I was worried if he is alive, or if something happened to him. I did not care with whom he is doing, whether the person is female or male etc. as I did not have trust issues. Another one is that when there is no regular physical contact, bonding fades away. Out of sight, out of mind. Therefore, you have to make sure that you’re contacting regularly and sharing each other’s lives in detail to compensate the lack of touch. This takes up a lot of time. Sometimes, you may miss a party and may have to leave a gathering early to Skype, or sometimes you may have to text next to friends. Are you ready for this sacrifice? Moreover, sometimes, you and your partner may want to have creative date ideas. For example, we were watching Game of Thrones together, or sometimes even leaving camera on while sleeping. Will you be able to come up with fun cyber-date ideas, and are you willing to invest time into these?

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

4. Do you trust your partner?

If you answer the first two questions “Yes”, this is the thing you should analyze and see if you have trust in your partner. Sometimes your partner will not be able to Skype as sometimes he will be ditching his or her friends to Skype with you. He or she will have opposite gender colleagues, friends, friends of friends that he or she will be interacting on a regular basis. Are you strong enough to not be jealous and let your partner live his/her life? Are you okay with your partner meeting, and hanging out with opposite gender? Also, is your partner mature enough and is he/she on the same page with you when it comes to trust? Will his/her jealousy be an issue? If this is an issue, will you be fine with it? Are there any past trust issues that you had? Make sure that you talk to your partner after sleeping on this and deciding what your position is on the trust issue.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

5. Are you financially able to visit your partner regularly?

You should know that LDR visits are very packed not only emotionally but time and money-wise, within limited time, maximum things to do, including some short trips, or long trips, flight tickets, bus tickets, or gas, hotels, sometimes romantic dinners out. It is not always being together and staying in at home together. Of course, it is romantic to simply stay in and do things you like together like for us for example, it was playing video games, or cooking a new dish. You should make sure that you are financially stable to support your visits to your partner, as well as your partner should be on the same page, being able to afford things by himself. When there is a financial restriction, either the visits do not happen, which mostly result in “out of sight out of mind” case (Well sometimes it may get the love bigger for hopeless romantics); or visits happen but financial shortage puts a mental burden on the partners, which may result in big fights. You should make sure that both partners are willing to put money, time, and effort into equal visits.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

6. Are you emotionally ready to handle separation after visits?

Let me tell you one thing no one ever told me, even my own mother and father who did 4 years of LDR during my father’s deployment in another country. At each time, you meet after a month, or maybe two months, there is this period where you get to know each other all over again for the first couple days, or sometimes a day. You need to get used to your partner again, and shouldn’t be bothered by the small things that he or she is doing. You need to remind yourself of why you like this person, and why you are with this person. Once you get used to each other again, the love kicks in, you fall in love each time you meet this person. When everything is going well, and happy, BOOM! The person is leaving the day after. And it gives you heartache. Are you ready to handle this emotion explosion? You will be sad and unhappy for couple days after separation. Some girls I have seen had it much easier, but for me it was hard each time for a week or two weeks. And the unhappiness, when reflected to your partner, creates problems. Remember that nobody is in a relationship to be unhappier. You should be ready for the potential emotional turbulence, and instability, and should be resilient enough to pull yourself out, be optimistic, and hopeful for the future and reunion with your partner.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

7. Are you sexually, mentally, and emotionally attracted to each other?

Sometimes, we are with people we are used to, out of habit, not out of real love, attraction, or not because of emotional and mental satisfaction. Generally, you do not notice the slight difference between real love/attraction and habit. When you’re apart from your significant other, you will notice the difference. Are you with this person because you are attracted to him/her, you respect him/her? Or are you with this person to fill the void in your heart and in your mind or out of desperation? Nobody can answer these questions but yourself for you. You should ponder on these questions to understand what you feel about this. Also, you should make sure same is valid for your partner. There should be equality in the emotional, mental, and sexual investment. Is your partner attracted to you enough? You should have a real heart to heart talk about the attraction, and emotional investment you too have for each other before going for LDR.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

8. Do you have enough upfront time spent together to get to know each other?

Another important thing to consider is how much time upfront you spent together to get to know each other. The longer the time together spent is, the higher the chances that LDR is worth and will survive. There are two effects of the short time spent together. First, short time or no time spent together may reduce the chance of seeing things that would normally bother you because you’re attracted to the unknown or little known. Mystery about this person is what arouses you, and the hardship in reaching this person whenever you want makes it more valuable. So, this leads you to ignore signs that you would normally pay attention to in a proximity relationship. You invest your time and energy into LDR, and may end up with closing the distance, yet notice that you two are totally incompatible and break up. This happened to a friend of mine. Second scenario is that you two are very compatible. However, you are not equally invested in the relationship, and knowing each other little to no time creates a “what if” “Is he/she?” kind of questions. Given the chance that you do not really know each other, you say “whatever” and see every small argument to escape from the relationship rather than something small to patch up and resolve. This kills the chance to have a great relationship. All in all, you should consider whether you know enough about this person to put your trust in him/her not breaking your heart and have a wonderful LDR with you.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

9. Are you on the same page to close distance in near future?

After deciding whether you two are cut for LDR, you should discuss whether your expectations are similar, and you are on the same page. Sooner or later you should know that distance will be closed. The questions to be asked and answered are “How far are we from closing the distance? A month, a year?” “How do we close the distance?” “Will we move to a fresh city? Or will I move to his/her city? Or Is he/she going to move here?” “Who is going to sacrifice career/school?”. Remember there may not be a total sacrifice and you may go against me and say that true partners would not want you to quit your job or find something nearby even if it means getting a low-paid job etc. However, in LDR, to have a future together in proximity, one side always makes more sacrifices than the other side. Apart from closing distance in the future, you should also be discussing at what stage of your relationship you are at, and what you want out of this relationship. You should ask the regular relationship questions, such as “Are we committed and willing to get married in a foreseeable future?” or “Is it an open relationship where we can see others because of distance?”, “Do we want to settle down in a city or country side?”, “Do we want kids?”. After checking and confirming that your expectations are the same, and nobody is leading the other partner on, you can go ahead with LDR.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship

Conclusion

All in all, you should not go for LDR just because you think it sound interesting. Consider your options, weigh pros and cons, and most of all, think whether you and your partner are meant to be together and cut to be in LDR. It requires a lot of time, energy, effort, money investment; you would want to decide wisely before wasting scarce resources you have. I hope these questions to ask yourself will be helpful if you decide to go for LDR, yet you have hesitations.

Hope you enjoyed my take. Looking forward to hearing your comments, opinions, and critiques.

Questions to Ask Before Going in a Long Distance Relationship
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