On Being Defensive

Caren-Field


On Being Defensive



People often have short fuses. Maybe it's because we are over-worked and under-rested, over-stimulated and under pressure. Maybe it's because we take things personally that aren't personal. Maybe it's something else entirely. For what ever reason, we tend to get defensive, a lot.



As human beings we have developed quite elaborate survival instincts. Sometimes these instincts are helpful, but more often than not, they tend to cause problems, especially in our relationships. I've noticed that the difference of when they are useful or not is that our survival instincts are NOT helpful in those times when our life is not ACTUALLY at risk.


Defensiveness is one of these instincts. When some part of us feels like we are being attacked, our natural response is to defend ourselves. Makes sense, right? How else are we going to survive?



However, more often than not, our sense or “feeling” of being attacked is actually a misperception; we are not really in any mortal danger. Think about it... how often are you literally being attacked? Most often it's just a perception of an attack, something that seems like your life is being threatened, but there is no real threat.




Defensiveness is one of these instincts. When some part of us feels like we are being attacked, our natural response is to defend ourselves. Makes sense, right? How else are we going to survive?



Your body and mind will respond to a verbal attack, such as, “Why do you always have to be such a jerk?” (or a perceived verbal attack, such as, “You are so wrong about that”) in the same way you would respond to an actual physical attack such as someone raising a fist in your face. Defensiveness kicks in. In your body your adrenaline gets going, your cheeks might get flushed, you might feel your temperature rising, your voice will become strained, and louder. Your mind gets extremely focused; you are ready for a battle. All of this happens rather suddenly, and worth noting, without any effort at all on your part; hence the term “automatic response.






Gogus olculeri




Here's how it happens: something happens, or doesn't happen, and you feel attacked so you defend yourself. Then guess what? Your defensive stance then is perceived by your partner as an attack, so they defend themselves. And now, the two of you are in the vicious circle, going around and around, getting nowhere.





But just because our survival instinct has us ready to defend all the time, it doesn't mean we have to act on it.


Certain phrases trigger this automatic response more readily than others. 'You always...' and, 'you never...' are two hot buttons that get us from zero to defensive in less than a nano-second. For example, “You are always late.” Our knee-jerk reaction is to be ready to prove all the times it is not true, to defend ourself from this clearly untrue attack on our character.



Now, you and I both know that, “You are always late,” is not a life-threatening statement, even though sometimes when we hear it, it does feel like it is. But our overly sensitive human animal feels threatened nevertheless and still feels the need to defend. Is it our ego being threatened? Is it our pride that can't let it go? Could be. But just because our survival instinct has us ready to defend all the time, it doesn't mean we have to act on it.



As Victor Frankl so wisely noted, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” In other words, we have a choice. We have the ability to choose to how we will respond. We can respond with the old standby (defensiveness) or we can choose something different, something that may give us a better outcome.



When someone says something that you perceive as an attack, you will live if you don't defend yourself, I promise.



Check out Caren Field's Profile


On Being Defensive
9 Opinion