Long Distance Relationships: Are They Doomed To Fail?

[Little_J]

I was in a long-term relationship until just recently. My boyfriend and I lived in Canada (I still do) until his mom got a job with a company in America. Which is not far at all. Except she got a job in Southern California and I live all the way in Quebec.

Long-distance relationships, do they work?

It's only a few hours difference, no big deal. We promised to text, call, snapchat like every other teenage couple. And it worked for a few months. "I miss you." "No, I miss you more." Those messages and others slowly started to stop. We stoped promising each we would visit during holidays.

We still loved each, but something changed when he left. I couldn't figure out what, but I knew we weren't going to last long after he was gone. So many people told me that since we already had an established relationship (of almost two years) it would work. We just had to put in the effort.

We broke up in January.

The point is you can try as hard as you want, but some relationships aren't meant to be, long distance or not. This is not to say that all long distance relationships are going to fail.

Would I do it again? No way.

So what are your thoughts on LDR's? Worth it or not?

[meowcow]

Long distance works, but there are a lot of factors that will affect the outcome.

The saying "Out of sight, out of mind" is very true. Knowing this, it's easy to imagine that texts, snapchats and phone calls simply aren't enough to maintain the relationship.

When I met my wife, I had known her for 3 months before I decided to go across the country for an MBA for 1 year. She was very angry and upset, and almost broke up with me but I convinced her to give long distance a try. I had a feeling I would end up marrying this girl already.

The agreement was that we would text at least once per day. After day 3, it was clear that texting was not enough to provide emotional support for each other. We decided that we will webcam chat with each other every day. Yes, I mean every day. Sometimes we chatted. Other times, the webcam was just on while we were doing our work, or surfing the web. We'd watch each other work, eat, and at times, I'd fall asleep with the lights on while studying and she'd simply yell into the mic to wake me up.

Seeing each other via webcam daily was more than just a means of communication. It also meant I was not off sleeping with some other girl (it was a fairly new relationship so there are always doubts about trust). It also meant I wasn't out drinking and enjoying myself, while she was home alone thinking about me.

The odd time we flew to visit each other, the sexual tension would explode and we'd basically jump on each other and stay attached at our private parts for days.

In the end, I believe that the daily webcam talks were what maintained the relationship. The other thing to note is that you must force yourself to talk about happy things. Don't get into arguments. Long distance arguments spell doom, since there's no good way to apologize and have make-up sex :P

[traxlem]

Well put and great advice. Cograts on it working out in the end. What seemed to work for you both is the dedication you both had/have for each other. Even in non LDRs there's a lack of it. Once again congrats.

[SweetLily89]

I honestly think it depends on the two people involved and the situation going into things..

I met my ex, 3 month before he was due to go into Basic Training. The day finally came when he had to leave, that same day we finally dropped the L-bomb and decided that we were going to go for it. We wrote to each other every day for those 8 weeks of Boot Camp and I went down to see him for his Graduation. After that he had more training and more training, we'd see each other a couple times a year, talk as often as we could. We wanted to close the gap, but weren't in a position to do so. Once his training kicked up again, we didn't talk as much and eventually he pulled away, asked for a break and then eventually he broke up with me..

Neither of us wanted it to end, 2 years we lasted after only 3 months of seeing each other regularly in the beginning, not even in a relationship.. I'm shocked he and I lasted as long as we did..

Two people have to be ready for that level of commitment and the relationship has to be built on mutual love, trust and respect, not to mention effort. 4 years went by and he's back in my life again, we shall see what the future holds.. You never know, just because, it wasn't meant to be then, doesn't mean it won't happen in the future.. Sometimes, it just isn't the right time and your paths in life were meant to go in different directions. You never know what the future holds.

[Faye4ever]

Long distance to me depends on how the relationship started, and what kind of people you both are. I've been in two long distance relationships, both started totally different and both the guys were different. The first guy I dated for 6 months, became long distance for 5 months (3 hrs away) and he ended up cheating on me. The second guy I started off long distance (3 hrs away) though we were friends in high school. We were long distance for 3 years. And he eventually moved to where I live at now and we've been dating for a total of 4 years.

I do think that not everyone is able to do a long distance relationship, because what people find enough to be happy is different. Don't get me wrong, even for the most closest relationship its hard, especially when you rarely visit. But depending on the the kind of people you both are makes a huge difference.

The first guy I dated was more seeming like he wanted to have a good time so he wasn't serious. My current BF is always serious in a relationship and quickly settles with a girl. So that matters too. But overall I think no long distance works if there's no plan of visiting and especially permanently reuniting. If there is no goal being worked towards than the relationship eventually goes nowhere.

However, I do think, (without facts) any relationship that is close can go through some long distance and survive. That's why I say not everyone can go through long distance - because some relationships aren't close. Or has no foundation or substance. Plus it depends on how long the distance last.

Small example, my brother and his fiancee went through a summer break of long distance during college. For her it was unbearable, but for him he just saw it a few months, plus the distance did have an ending.

So it there are a lot of factors, but overall, its possible, with the right goals, and right person with regular visits, and especially an end point.

[Brian-Brain]

Long distance relationships are worth it. But it has to be with the right person. There are a few things that make it successful. Here are some of them (according to me at least):

Willingness to want to be together.
As long the people in the relationship want to be together they can be together. It sounds redundant but I wanted to put that in there.

Fearlessness in making big steps
At least one of the two people involved will have to make a big step. If you want to spend a lifetime together eventually you have to move away from where you live. That is a step many do not dare to make.

Ability to see possibilities instead of roadblocks
People may want to be together but they have to do the things to be together. A distance might be big but can be overcome. Sadly so many people will only be able to see that it is far and completely miss to see that there are many options to be together.

Shielding yourself from outside influences.
People see their best friends walk hand in hand with their loved ones. Naturally they want that too. This causes the desire for people to end the relationship and find somebody else. But is that new person really better than your LDR or just second choice? And those people that see each other every day may not have the same quality time of people in a long distance relationship.

Trust each other.
When your loved one is far away you cannot help yourself from thinking *what is he/she doing and who is he/she doing that with?* You’ll have to be able to trust the other person completely for the relationship to work.

Make plans to be together.
What do you want? Maybe you can’t live together now but how about in two years when both have finished their studies? Or after when one can secure a job in the place you want to live together. Without some sort of plan people lose hope and want out of the relationship.

[Jessica_18]

I believe in all of this. It can completely work as long as both people want it and the trust is there. Distance is only temporary, eventually that gap will be closed. It's worth it as along as you both love each other and stay loyal to the relationship.

[Ensiferum]

lol, i didn't read your comment before and did a comment of 1800 characters just to finally realise, i said almost the exact same thing as you :P I should have read you first, would have save me 15 min of writing a comment :)!

[Anonymous]

It always depends. In your case, there was something really important, and playing against you : you were together before the long distance. I never experienced it, but I heard tons of times its way harder to go from short to long, than long to short.

Also, it always depends on your virtues and personality.

Im in a LDR, really far away. (im in Canada, she's in korea).
and im sure it will work, because here's the keys (IMO) to make it work

#1 Trust, if you dont trust each other, and you are afraid they might flirt in your back, well, its already over

#2 communication: we talk for an average of 3-4 hours a day, but you dont need as much. But if there's something on your mind, or bothering you, you NEED to share, and communicate.

#3 your backgroud: we both me and her want serious, im her 2nd BF, she's my first. And we are not addicted to sex, or physical contact, and we both just didn't wanted to try, but really, make it works.

#4 commitment: especially in my case ( since its not 1-2 hrs away, but 20 in plane) I cannot see her 5 times a year, since 1 time is already 4000$ But we still both want to see each other, at least 2 times a year, and ill go there this summer.

#5 focusing on positive, and not negative like ( how can it work, we are soo far away etc...). I know in my case, I've only been with her since like 3 weeks. So everything seems awesome right now. But maybe, maybe with time, our emotions will go down a bit, but since we both want it soo much, and follow the 5 points, im sure its gonna work :)

And if doesn't, well, at least I would have tried everything. And her too.

And ill probably try to find a girl closer in the future :P

But I really think it will work, and she's planning on living with me in Canada in 2-3 years :)

I just need to wait, and focus on being happy with her, even far away :) :)

[queenaimiexox]

From experience, they will NEVER last unless you're planning on meeting in person. One person will always get bored or forget about the others existence, or will cheat with somebody in real life or find something more "real" .. I dated a girl once for 7 months online and I was so in love, but she ended it because she started having feelings for somebody in real life, and she's been with him for 3 years now. Even though I was completely heart broken, real life relationships over online any day. Now I know though, that online relationships are doomed to fail unless you have intentions of knowing the person in real life. Other than that, it's pointless. It's basically the same as having a pen pal.

[GreatPerhaps]

I think they can work, and many LDR couples have made it. It just has to be with the right person, a person who will put enough effort and communication. It takes a lot of work and dedication. It's not an essay thing to do, but if the love is truly there, than it can be a beautiful experience. To travel, learn new cultures, and miss eachother, so when you do see eachother it's very special. But you both must have goal to eventually meet, and see this as a long term relationship. In any relationship you will invest time.

[Hidden_P]

Not for long periods of time.
I see my boyfriend a lot more than I saw my ex and I see the difference. My boyfriend has broke up with people before because of distance, and I know if we had to be apart we would be fine. But miles and miles apart? I'm not sure.

There's always that physical element. I spent once a week with my ex and I was with him for 5 and a half years. But my current boyfriend, we spent 4 nights together (we go to work in the day, I go to his after work and sleep) and without that closeness we would probably crumble.

As much as you love each other, you need to be with each other. Long distance doesn't work unless there is light at the end of the tunnel or it's short term.

[Creole_Flavor]

Been there done that it didn't work because of the distance but it was not based on distance alone. The distance was only bad because the person I was with used that to his advantage to live a double life but people do this all the time and live in the same city its just easier when someone lives in another state or country. There was lack of communication and at some point if we were going to make things work we would have to agree on one of us moving and we could not. I would say its tougher but communication is the key especially in long distance relationships and you really have to compromise.

[wrestlingchick]

My long distance relationshiop worked for 5 years !! and we are STILL together heading towards 6 years! We started living together after 4. It is all about love and passion! If you both put enough efford in it, save money to visit each other every now and then, Skype a lot... then why would it not work! If one of you isn't putting as much efford in it as the other one, it will turn difficult! Good luck!

[Little_J]

I have so much respect for you!

[bloodmountain1990]

It can but I guess you must have a lot of patience. Are you willing to have long gaps in between seeing each other? Are you willing to travel to see them frequently?

I had a fling with a girl from Chicago and I live in the suburbs about 40 mins away and it didn't really work out because she didn't have a car so we couldn't meet halfway. Either I'd come to the city or she'd take the train out here. We only saw each other 3 times within 2 months and then we just stopped talking. At least I got sex out of it, not that i was just using her for that.

[FlyingTurtle]

My boyfriend and I started our relationship living and hour and a half's drive away from each other. And we've continued it for about 16 months now. At the best of times we saw each other each weekend, Fridays through Sundays. At the worst of times we saw each other once or twice a month. And that was really freaking hard. But we were and are in love, and the distance is a temporary inconvenience, not a deal-breaker.

[suhbliem]

personally I wouldn't do it. I don't think I could handle being away from someone I loved for such a long time like that. Part of a great relationship is the physical contact, the smell of their skin, the way they talk in person, small quirks.. it's these things that important I feel

[1GuyOpinion]

No, I'm not a believer of long distance relationship. I like my girl in my hand. LDR require a huge amount of trust and commitment. Not to mention having to explain it to your friends when they ask "Do your gf even exist bro?" or "Let do a couple hang out this weekend, oh wait.."

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on your situation. I'm gearing towards a long-distance relationship now and I've never met the girl - it's probably harder to go from short distance to long distance (current boy/girlfriend moves away, for example) than starting out long distance. I can't wait to meet her, going to this summer, and plan on moving over to America one day to live close to her (or with her!) permanently :)

[AnayaWilliams]

I couldn't do a long distance relationship they take so much time and effort. I just couldn't do it, like not being able to see my partner that much I couldn't, I've never been in a long distance relationship before.

[Little_J]

Yeah, it wasn't for me

[A-Makian]

Although my ex and I are no longer together, we made it through long distance for 2 years. I went to school in Vermont while she stayed home in Florida and went to school. I graduated and came back home and we broke up because of other reasons. It does take a tremendous amount of work and trust but I can happen.

[Jessica_18]

From personal experience, they are doomed to fail if only one person puts in the effort to make it last.

[ImBATMAYNE]

I don't think this is true, it takes a serious level of commitment on each side though.. you guys obviously didn't have that

[ReddyMe]

Most of it fail. You won't feel affection on the device, laptop or mobile phone. You won't feel the sincerity in words. Everything seems unreal when you use the internet for communication. LDR is just a waste of time. It is good if you have nothing to do in your spare time.

[p0rtis26]

It can work, but it takes a strong-willed person. I definitely think it is difficult. But if both of sides are COMPLETELY willing, and in the future both people will be able to eventually live together then yes.

[DarkHumorRUs]

Well long distance relationships have only been possible for a small fraction of human existence. Its just not natural to have that little physical contact with your partner. But it is possible.