My boyfriend left me to go drinking with friends?

[Candy87]

So my girlfriend and I have been discussing this question:

Last week, My boyfriend and I hung out with some other friends (my friends and his friends). At first he was all like "I am tired. I just want to go home" So I said "We just hang out with them a bit and we will go home" and he agreed. Then we started to drink and had fun. At 1 AM, the bar was closed so everybody decided to go to one of the guys' house to drink and hang out. I had to get up early the next morning and also was very tired and drunk. My boyfriend decided to go with them and I went home alone.

So for me, I dont like what my boyfriend did that night because we had planned to go home together and then he ditched me because he had a better plan involving drinking and smoking weed which I even hate more because he had said many times before that he was going to quit drinking and smoking.

My friend, on the other hand, told me to chill and be cool about it. She believed that we can spilt and do different things if we want. I dont understant. Then its not called a committed relationship anymore. Its more of a relationship of convenience where you only stay with your bf/gf when you need them and you can ditch them when you have a better plan.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks a lot

Updates

+1 y

My other girlfriends told me that was unacceptable of him to do that.

Updates

+1 y

Let me clear this up. I all agree that my boyfriend and I need time to hang out with friends. I always hang out with my friends without him and he does the same thing. What I dont like here is that he did not keep our plan so that he can drink more

[Paris13]

"Then we started to drink and had fun." He obviously got his second wind, and still Consented to hang until the bar closed with you. And maybe with feeling good, he wasn't Tired, but decided to go to his friend's house and do a bit more' Hanging out.' I do, however, Believe, that if you Both had 'Agreed' on the spot when he says "I am tired. I just want to go home,' that before Last call, he Would have gone with you Straight home. Now he is---Drunk, not tired... Ready to have a 'Second ball'...
No, I don't see the big deal with just letting you go home, as you were not only 'Very drunk and tired,' but you had to rise and shine 'Early,' so naturally you had the common sense to go home to bed.
I think it wasn't the fact that you felt 'ditched,' but that he Continued to drink and smoke weed and party after hours that was a problem, and frankly, I don't blame you in the least for feeling mad. If it was just a case of Just going to 'hang out' with friends at their house and sip tea, I don't believe you would have given it a thought. However, you see he is has a problem. I have to agree there.
You both need to sit down and hash this thing out. He is still smoking wacky and of course this could be a habit in which is hard to kick, along with the Other bad 'Habit,' which can lead into being a drunk down the line. Both those factors will lead into a problem in your relationship if not nipped in the bud.
Good luck. xx

[Paris13]

Thank you for allowing me to be here for you... xx

[Candy87]

Thanks a lot for your comment. I was too busy to write a comment back. I am a little bit over sensitive with drinking and smoking since i was in a relationship with a guy with drinking problems before for 2 years and it was the worst time in my life. My current boyfriend is showing some similar symtoms as my ex-boyfriend's. I am scared that the nightmare is starting all over again. He said he was an alcoholic and drug user a long time ago and he has become much better for the past 2 years. He was on 1 year of completely no alcohol and drug. That was when I met him. I decided to be in a relationship with him thinking that he is an alcohol/drug-free person. But now he is starting everything again, not much enough to be a real problem but what he did that evening is pretty much something that i am scared will happen on a regular basis in the future.

[Paris13]

I'm glad you got back to me here, for yes, he has a big problem, and unless he gets help, his problems will only get worse. I know what it means to be with someone with a drug problem. I have dealt with it. I also have had to deal with a sister who has a an alcohol problem. Yes, it will happen on a 'regular basis in the future,' unless he goes to get professional help. He will weigh you down, bring you down, and allows you to enable him to continue. It's horrible, like a train wreck. You don't deserve this history repeating itself. You deserve to be happy, not always having to pick up the pieces for someone, time and time again. You had 2 years of this before, and now it's starting again for you. When I was with someone who had this drug problem, I ended up putting him away for awhile in jail, and when he came out, he was a changed man... Today, we are the bestie of friends...

[CommieDearest]

I'm with your friend on this one. If you had to get up early and he didn't, why should he suffer because of your schedule? Secondly, you can't bitch about him drinking and go to a bar with him. You probably didn't mind it when he was drinking with you. You made up that issue later because you were mad about something else.

[Candy87]

We had to go to that bar because there was an event that we took part in. Normally, he has softdrinks at bars. I am actually fine if he has 1,2 beers but the problem is whenever he starts drinking he will not be able to stop, thats why he did not want to go home with me that night. We had a plan to go home together before that. Its not like I ask him to be with me all the time.

[CommieDearest]

But you're not in charge of what he drinks anyway, I still don't see the problem to be honest. You had to go home and he didn't. He was having fun, why should he cut that short for you'?

[Torrie]

I think what matters most is if he made sure you got home safely. If not, then that was very wrong.
I think it's fine to do things a part every once in a while, as long as you are a major priority in his life and he in yours. If it was an everyday kind of thing, it wouldn't be so okay.

[Candy87]

Well, I am not saying I am gonna make this problem a big deal just because of what it is. Ofcourse i am not going to break up with him just because of this. I just want to know if what he did was the right thing or not. Thats not how I treat my boyfriend or girlfriends. Even when I hang out with my girlfriends, I will never leave them because my boyfriend calls or I meet an interesting guy (when i am single). I mean I can talk with the guy for a bit then i will keep hanging out with my friends.

[Forca]

I don't see what was wrong with what he did, he's entitled to a social life without you being present and I think you're overreacting and clearly seem a bit controlling and very needy.

That said I do think you have a valid point about him smoking weed, I have seen first hand the effects that drug has on long-term users and the sight isn't pretty.

Any healthy relationships needs a balance, spending too much time with the same person is unhealthy. It's nice for both people to have some alone time and to spend some time apart with friends.

[Candy87]

I am pretty fine that he hangs out with his friends. In fact, I always go out with my girlfriends without him and he can do the same with his friends. But my point is that we planned to go home together that night (we dont live together) and I know for sure that after drinking and smoking, he just wanted to have more. Thats why he changed his mind and decided to go with everybody.
We kinda agreed that he should not smoke or drink for the sake of his career. (He is a musician. He can't play well when he is high). He did not have any alcohol or smoke for 1 year and now he is starting everything again.

[Forca]

I agree with your friend, if this was a one off i. e. changing his plans then let it slide, if it keeps happening then I can see where you're coming from and you should air your annoyance. As for the drinking and smoking, you simply cannot make someone stop doing either of those things. All you can do is choose whether or not these things are deal breakers for you and if they are then it's time to call it quits and walk away.

[Candy87]

Thanks. Its a biggest deal breaker for me so I will probably call it quits. I dont know why he started drinking and smoking all over again after we started to be in a relationship. He was single for 2 years and stopped drinking and smoking for a year. I wonder if there is a relationship between being in a relationship and the need to drink and smoke. Sounds pretty unrelating to me.

[Forca]

He enjoys drinking much in the same way I enjoy a few pints of beer, it's not a criminal offence, but I can understand why people don't like it.

[DodgersGM]

Did he make sure that you got home safely? And do you guys have an agreement that he won't drink or smoke weed?

The act of him going out to have fun without you is completely fine, in my opinion. You guys should want each other to have friends, and to have fun with them on your own once in a while. As long as he's made you enough of a priority, and he didn't violate some relationship agreement that you guys had in place regarding him drinking and smoking, then I can't see the harm in any of this.

[Candy87]

Hi DodgersGM. Thanks for your comment.
I am pretty fine that he hangs out with his friends. In fact, I always go out with my girlfriends without him and he can do the same with his friends. But my point is that we planned to go home together that night (we dont live together) and I know for sure that after drinking and smoking, he just wanted to have more. Thats why he changed his mind and decided to go with everybody.
We kinda agreed that he should not smoke or drink for the sake of his career. (He is a musician. He can't play well when he is high).

[NZDSTR]

He needs a life too. If you stop him from doing these things he will leave you. You're part of his life not his entire life and vice versa. You were the one that wanted him to go out drinking but you complain that he said he was going to quit drinking. How can he quit when you want him to go to a bar and drink doesn't make sense

[Candy87]

I am pretty fine that he hangs out with his friends. In fact, I always go out with my girlfriends without him and he can do the same with his friends. But my point is that we planned to go home together that night (we dont live together) and I know for sure that after drinking and smoking, he just wanted to have more. Thats why he changed his mind and decided to go with everybody.
We kinda agreed that he should not smoke or drink for the sake of his career. (He is a musician. He can't play well when he is high). He did not have any alcohol or smoke for 1 year and now he is starting everything again.

[NZDSTR]

We'll he should have gone home with you but he was drunk and didn't. I suggest that he stays away from bars etc in the future. He obviously can't help himself when put in that situation maybe he knew that and that's why he said he didn't want to go or maybe not. If he wants to throw his career away that's his choice you can lead a horse to water you can't force the horse to drink the water !

[Candy87]

What you said was correct. I saw him struggling with himself when he went to bars. After every night of smoking and drinking til morning, he would say he hates himself and this will be the last time. I am actually fine with him drinking and smoking once or twice a week with his friends. But ditching me so he can smoke and drink, thats a totally different issue.

[NZDSTR]

He has a problem , he can't help himself that's what happens to an addict that becomes the most important thing. You see him struggling but you still convince him to go out with you to a bar when he says he doesn't want to? Seems to like he was trying to avoid it as he knew what would happen. I think it's best that next time a bar is involved he doesn't go as it will probably happen again and again and again ect. If you can accept that cool , if not and he has come expect it to happen or find a new guy that doesn't have problem. Harsh, yes but that's the reality of the situation

[Candy87]

I did not convince him to go. There was an event at the bar that we both took part in but both of us were not so exicted with it. My saying "Let's go for a bit and we will go home" was more of an encouragement to lift his spirit up. I dont mind him smoking or drinking once or twice a week but I hate that he will choose it over me when he is high. Maybe the only way that works here is that I should not go to places where he may drink and smoke in the future.

[NZDSTR]

you keep saying once or twice a week but for a person that has a problem it's not that easy and clear cut , you can't just switch it off. By letting him have it sometimes you're setting yourself up for disappointment. failing to prepare is preparing to fail but you don't hear me though

[Candy87]

I am sorry, I totally hear you but I forgot to add that since he is a musician, he plays music at bars all the time so avoiding bars is not a feasible option. What I meant was I would try to now show up at those bars as the last option. I know it will 99,99% fail because my ex bf also had problems with drinking and I know better than anyone how hopeless the situation is. Thanks a lot for your advice anyway. You have the best advice here.

[NZDSTR]

No problem , happy to help. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I think your friend was right and you're being insecure and overly needy.

A relationship doesn't mean you need to live in each others pockets 24 hours a day. A guy will always need some space and time away from the relationship, ALWAYS. If he doesn't get it, the relationship dies. It sounds to me like your friend knows this already but you haven't learned it or still don't believe it.

[Candy87]

You mean that you can make plan with your girlfriend then you just leave her because you need "time away from the relationship". We dont live together and dont spend lots of time together because I work during the days and he works in the evenings. I always let him hang out with his friends as long as he does not sabotage our plans.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah. I mean what I said, not the shitty controlling way you portrayed it.

[Candy87]

Keep doing that to your girlfriends and you spend your life alone forever.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't think so. I don't date control freaks.

[Candy87]

Thats right. Only pathetic idiots would want to be treated that way.

[Opinion Owner]

Are you that dismissive of your friend too, when she's basically tell you the same thing?

Can't you just accept that your point of view is wrong on this, and you're basically being a cow? Of course not...

[Candy87]

Forgot to mention. Only 1 friend had that comment while all the other friends are on my side. I think people are so like "Oh! I dont really care what really happened to her but her friend told her that so thats definitely the truth". I should have mentioned that 10 other friends of mine are telling me to ditch him. What do u think now?

[Opinion Owner]

I think angry girls like you always do that when the facts and public opinion run against you... all of a sudden you pull these extra details from your arse, which (if they had been true) would have been much more applicable to include in the actual question - and you hope their sudden emergence from your fundament will carry the day, and no one will notice the smell of bullshit.

[Candy87]

Its all my fault for not including those details in my questions but thats the truth. I thought all I had to do was to include 2 sides of comments in the question and mine covers theirs already. Thats why. Why do I want to make up some shit that does not exist. I come her to ask for advice for my relationship and I know better than anyone that I have to be truthful to get the right advice.

[zombiebabe]

me too i hate it when a guy prefers to spend more time with his friends than me.. friends are important too but there should be a limit.. just try to make him understand how you feel

[MaskofInsanity]

I agree with your friend. I think its important to be independent and understanding in a relationship. If you had full on plans and he ditched you that would be different.

[Candy87]

Yes, we had a plan to go home together. Did you read my post?

[MaskofInsanity]

Thats not a serious plan that inconveniences you though. I just think you're being unfair. If the tables were turned wouldn't you want him to encourage you to go have fun with your friends?

[DodgersGM]

Yeah, not to pile on, but QA didn't want to go home when BF did, and then when the tables were reversed it became a problem. That's what it sounds like, anyway.

[MaskofInsanity]

Exactly. It just seems like you want him to do what you want.

[Candy87]

Its pretty easy to answer your questions. There were many times before when we hung out together with friends and he said he was tired and wanted to go home, I went home with him. And it was pretty early, like 11PM or something. And many other times when I was with him, I had to go home with him because he wanted to.

[MaskofInsanity]

Why did you "have to"? You could have said no just like he did.

[Candy87]

Because he asked me to and seemed to be very unhappy if i did not. And I also thought it was the right thing to do. Because I made plan to hang out with him so I would try to do things with him. If I want to hang out with my friends and have fun with them, I will make plan on another day with them. Thats just how I treat people that I am with.

[MaskofInsanity]

Then talk to him and tell him he was a hypocrite.