I left a wonderful girl because of her past and decisions... and now I need HELP?

[Anonymous]

This is going to be long people. I thank you so much if you read the entire thing. Hopefully i don't bore you. Thanks.

last month I made a real good (female) friend. Well, we were mutual friends who talked through Facebook since the end of last year. I got to know her real well, talked to her almost every day. I knew she liked me from the start cuz she expressed clearly. "ive never felt this way".

I've never dated or kissed anyone prior to being with her. Originally I wanted to be friends (even though she was real pretty) but she kept pushing herself in hopes of me liking her. I eventually started to feel something. She was So kindhearted, sweet and compassionate with me but there were other things that strayed me away from committing to her. Her past.

First off she was experienced, been in and out of relationship doing who knows with all those guys. I never wanted a girl like that. I know it sounds self-centered and ugh… closed minded. She’s done so much stuff that I would not be okay with, drink n party all night getting wasted, hooking up with guys, impulsiveness and pressured into things easily. I don’t want that to be my girlfriend. I believe I deserve what I wished for because it’s only fair, I saved myself.

I pretty much led her on knowing I most likely not end up with her. I got lost in the care and wonderful experiences we had with each other. I developed feelings and Ill never forget her. What I did was tell her I don’t want to be in a relationship with her although we already been kissing and doing things (not actual sex, but close). I feel terrible, shattered inside, devastated I lost such a wonderful friend who actually liked me for who I am but I threw her away. Giving me an ultimatum of either you stay or you leave, I took the leave her path… I did not want to be in a relationship where I’d constantly worry for my girlfriend. Eventually it would damage me inside. I knew what it would do to me. We moved too quickly anyway. Way too fast.

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In the end she was heartbroken. She had the strongest feelings for me telling me I was the most wonderful guy she's ever met. She thought I was too good to be true. She wasn’t proud of her past and proud of the things she did but she still kept going

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I think about her everyday , every moment I get I think of her. I want her back as a friend. Did I make a mistake? Should I try to make her my true friend again? Should I give this wonderful girl a chance? I need help everyone, just some advice plzz

[BearsAnswers]

Wow. Tossing that away because of a bunch of judgmental sentiment? That's brutal man. You just did the exact same thing that she did... you just were in a relationship that moved faster than you wanted and did stuff with her that you weren't going to do... and then left her because she did the same thing. Only she did it before you did.

If you just want her as a friend, not a relationship, then don't pursue this, it will only be harder on her. And she has already been hurt enough by your actions. If you want to pursue a relationship and realize that people's past experiences shape who they are as people, but do not define their current morality (*cough* as exhibited by your own behaviour *cough*), then go after her 100%. You will always regret it if you don't. You will always wonder.

Do you really think that someone who has made a past mistake is irredeemable? Do you really think that you have never made a bad choice, or will never make one in the future? Come on man, don't be that guy.

[Asker]

I take your words to the heart man. You've certainly made me think.

Regardless of everything else, the final question is do I really want her? Is this the person I want to end up with? I have to find out. I need her with me again. I want to know her. And I dont mean the way I did before. I'm talking about friends. Sometimes that's just the only way to get to know someone so well. Jumping into relationship the way I did only sucks the life out of you. Sure did for me. As wonderful as it was enjoying everybit of it, I went to bed at night worried. Why? It was too overwhelming.

Thank you for your words man.

[BearsAnswers]

You're welcome.

This is one of those character moments for yourself. One of those times where you are really going to galvanize who you are as a person, really define your morality. What kind of man are you aiming on being? What kind of adjectives would you want people to use when they talk about you?

Forgiving? Understanding? Judgmental? Manipulative?

Some of those traits are more desirable than others. And some of them are mutually exclusive.

Choose well.

[FrekiWolfdregil]

I read all of it and I'll keep this short... You wanna know what I regret? not what I have done, but what I have not done and missed. Go after her! don't throw away an awesome connection, fuck the past! what matters is the here and now! so take that chance, you may not get another...

[Asker]

I'll definitely need some time to thing and re organize my thoughts. I could be missing out on a loving caring relationship. But im a coward. I don't care to admit, I use to think I was strong for waiting so long fighting urges but in the end I find the first girl who actually likes me and I give myself up. Is she really for me? I have no idea.

[FrekiWolfdregil]

I once thought as you did, take some advice from someone who is truly alone.. no family, no love, not even a true friend nearby to comfort me.. if I were you I'd be at her doorstep in a second. Don't waste time with foolish thoughts and over thinking, live in the moment, we will never be here again..

[topknots]

As a girl who is incredibly impulsive and did some of those things, it would hurt me greatly to have someone who I thought cared about me give me up because of my past decisions. And hearing that MANY guys would do the same? It fucking hurts, okay? It makes me feel like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. I had sex. I drank. I partied. I was a stupid college girl who made stupid decisions, but to be denied an amazing connection because I did those things? I feel her pain so strongly. I hope she finds better than you, to be honest. Someone who won't be judgmental of her past decisions. I hope there's someone out there like that for her.

[Asker]

I'm so sorry. She does deserve better. You have no idea how guilty I am of hurting her. I hate myself for it, I hate the way I was brought up into these ideas. You think it's easy also accepting something that is so different from you? Something that completely alien? It's confsuing. Real confusing because your morals are on one end and your feelings are on the other. She was so special to me. She was the first girl I kissed and will forever be the one I remember who loved me entirely. You're right. I'm nothing at all and don't deserve shit in my life. We're both on the same boat.

[topknots]

You don't have to give up your morals because of this. You move forward. You make it clear what your expectations are in an upcoming relationship and if she doesn't respect that, then it's okay to cut her loose. But to cut her off just by solely hearing what she has done in the PAST, that's taking it a bit to the extreme. Your morals are not in jeopardy here. You are able to save yourself and her heart very easily.

[Asker]

I never thought of that. I'm so new to this its hard for me to even see clear. I miss her so much, I just live my days with her in my head it's not healthy. Your words are taken into account, more than you think.

I said something I shouldn't of. I told her she'll never change. But that's not true, I just didn't want her to change for me. I want her to be happy with herself. To be content with her life. I feel like she wouldn't with me.

[topknots]

If she wants to be with you, she'll be happy with compromising with you. Who knows? Maybe she wants to change just as bad. I know I did.

[Asker]

Hopefully she does. She is too sweet to just let go of like that.

[AnimeDreama]

I read the whole thing, and I have to tell you that I am disappointed in your actions. Tossing aside a girl you have a connection with because of her past is indeed self-centered, and thinking you deserve "better" just because you saved yourself doesn't make you any better than her just because she made mistakes in her past. You cannot focus on the past when looking for a relationship. You have to focus on the here and now and the future, because that is where a relationship is going.

You need to go after her. Maybe she will take you back, maybe she won't. Just know that if she doesn't, it was your doing.

[Asker]

I take full responsibility for everything. It's my fault, even though she did push herself onto me in the beginning, it wasn't fair for her to get a relationship denied because of my my ideas. It was wrong and all my fault. I was too afraid to commit, too confused. But I want to be with her it's strange, because I've grown so attached.

Only time will tell if she still wants to be friend and possibly something more in the future.

[AnimeDreama]

It's good that you admit that. Best of luck to you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much.

[jackyct]

you're a close mind. and thats not good. i once was this kind of party wild girl too, and my now fiance was not ok with that. i changed and i dont drink no more, neither party. past is past and young people do those things. you shouldn't judge anyone for "living" and experimenting while they're young. that doesn't make her a bad person. maybe you missed your chance with pushing her away now, maybe not, talk to her again, if it doesn't work no more than i hope you learned your lesson.

[Asker]

It's not just her wildness, it's her decisions and reasons why she makes them. I'm totally againts that and there's nothing wrong with having opinions. What is wrong is what I did, led her on thinking I wanted to be with her. I was fooling myself. I don't know why I did it.

[jackyct]

we all make stupid decisions. i lost my virginity when i was 20 to a random guy in a club.. that was slutty and i wouldn't do it again, but what happened, happened. you cannot replace the past. if you think she is not worth being with you than just find someone else.

[almostgirl8]

The same thing happened to me. Girls sometimes like to let loose be wild, do crazy things but it doesn't completely reflect on her views or her values, and it really does fucking hurt when guys judge you for that

[Asker]

It hurt me to say I didn't want a relationship. I literally let myself go in front of her. Every emotion I had held up I had released. It was so sad for me. One of the saddest moments of my life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would have probably did the same thing as you did.

[Asker]

Sadly man. It was so depressing the way it went out.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah. I completely see where you're coming from.. good luck with it all man

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad, you did the right thing.