My boyfriend chooses his family over me?

[Krieszta]

We are together fo almost two years. I do not know if I am only asking for too much of his time or if he really chooses his family over me.

- he always wanted me to be in their house during weekends. I spent whole weekend playing with his niece (they called her EVERYTIME I came) from dusk to dawn. I barely saw him.

- whem I met his sister for the first time, she started to ask him how are his exgirlfriends doing (the more embarassing she is 30 years old).

- when we are spending time at his parents house (during weekend), she use to call him to sleep in her house to take care of her child in the morning as they want to leave and do not want to wake her up... She just does not care that he has a girlfriend in his house but what is worse, he does not care either and act as her doll.

- I want to go and study abroad, so we agreed to move to foreign country. BUT his sister and mother does not like it. It was an AGREEMENT between two of us but then he got home and after few hours called me and cried at me he is not going anywhere, as he has to help his father.

- his sister is using him as a babysitter, car rider, friend on the phone, girl for everything. Her father is giving her a lot of money but nobody except my boyfriend is helping him.

- he talks to me on the phone everyday, but barely spends time with me as he is lazy to RIDE A CAR for 30 minutes and is always making excuses that he has to help his parents, or that he has a soccer match, family meeting or other activities. He wants to be with me like all the time, but in his parents house.

I stopped begging him to spend more time with me, I just gave up, do not care anymore and I am slowly starting to look after somebody else. I think a boy like this can not be a FATHER as he is still a SON. I would like to set my own family but I do not know if it is possible with my boyfriend. Am I being overreactive or it is a matter of age or what?

Updates

+1 y

The problem is that we spend together approximately four days per month, and even in those few days he sleeps in his sister´s house.

[EvayneLM]

You sound like you just want an equal amount of time, or a LITTLE MORE TIME, spent with you, or each other as a couple, and that's not wrong. You don't mind the family time, but want more 'us' time. I think you should sit down with him, in person, and tell him what you want from your relationship and him. Having standards and needs and desires isn't a bad thing. First, ask him what HE wants, needs, and what his standards are, though. Then explain your own. If both of you don't match up, you either have to work toward doing so, or have to break it off. Otherwise, you'll just be unhappy and uncertain until something happens.

[Krieszta]

Yes you are absolutely right, I think to ask for an equal amount of time as we are 24 and 25, not a teenagers, two persons who are thinking about setting a family is a normal need. I told him that if he wants to spend more time with his family, helping his sister to grow up children, I will not be angry, If that is what he wants I am ok with it but then we have to break up. He said he wants to stay with me. but this is always the same problem from different sides. I do not know if this changes with age or he just remain the same.

[EvayneLM]

I can't say if it will change with age because I haven't witnessed such a thing, being so young in life. I can say, if he does not actively work to spend more time with you, and make you as important of a priority as your family, then he does not sound like he is ready for the same level of commitment as you are.

[AnnabelLee23]

Overractive for sure.

Yeah he may be a bit overattatched to his family, but he is dedicated to them and you really can't blame him for it. He is trying to do right by his family, and frankly that is the kind of guy that would make a great father. Perhaps you should try to see things more from his perspective and understand how he feels. Also, perhaps pick up a hobby to fill the time for when you are missing him, because even when you are married to someone, your spouse will always (or at least should) have their own life and it is supremely selfish to ask that they revolve their life around you and your needs.

[Krieszta]

I have my own life, friends, school, job, but we spend cca four days a month together and I think he will never be able to leave this family and set his own, that is what I am afraid of.

[AnnabelLee23]

He will always have an attachment to his family, over time he'll lessen it to some degree to focus on his own goals.

Speaking of which, try talking to him about his goals and aspirations, it sounds like he is so consumed with helping his family, he rarely has time for himself. That is concerning...

Instead of trying to drag him into your direction while he's already be dragged in his family's direction, you should ask him about his own path and go from there. He seems like he could use a reminder that he does have his own life.

[Krieszta]

You are quite right because I asked him about his goals and he was not able to answer me. And you are right about the other thing, maybe I am not angry with him because of his family but because he is not living his life but life of his families around.

[AnnabelLee23]

Try to remind him of the things he loved to do before he got so caught up. Maybe get some of his friends in on it, I'm sure he'll come around.

[Krieszta]

Yes, that is a very good idea. Thanks

[atomique]

What's his history? My ex and I were but kids of single parents and seen domestic violence in the home. Thus we were changed with the duty of treating care of and protecting our siblings till they grow up. Also helping the remaining parent. We both knew for the time being family comes first.

[Krieszta]

I agree with you that family comes first. I was myself victim of domestic violence but that thought me to be indipendent, set goals and to grow up. This is just simply living others lives and it has nothing to do with healthy family relationships I think.

[Error_204]

So essentially he is being an excellent example of a family-oriented man and you're pissed?

[Krieszta]

He definitely is family-oriented but toward other families, how can we set a family if we do not spend time together because his sister´s child shitted and he has to run to her house.

[Blueeyes81]

Family is important, Think how dedicated he will be to his own family someday. It sounds as if you want to be the only one in his life. If you are unhappy nothing is keeping your there but yourself.

[Krieszta]

I do not want to be the only one but not the last one. He spends much more time with his family and he thinks everything is ok if we see each other four times per month and gives me a 10 minute call every day.

[zorro8888]

Until you put a ring on his finger his family will be a priority
You have to propose to him nooowww

[Krieszta]

Hahaha ring ring, and then build a house nex to his parents house, yesss that´s the plan :D

[zorro8888]

:D Great plan lol

[Liverpoolfcinohio]

Yeah he needs to grow up lol. Lose him. How old is he?

[Krieszta]

He is 25 now.

[Lizzy32794]

You need to start looking for someone else

[Findesemana]

human nature...