How should I tell my soon to be fiance who loves children that I am actually infertile?

Question

I am currently in a serious relationship with the most wonderful girl in the world. She possess all the qualities I would want in a woman to raise my child, and she too has expressed her enthusiasm in our future child, except there is something in the way.
Two years ago, my then girlfriend had cheated on me with my best friend, and in retaliation I beat him up. She called me a violent animal, and attacked me when I confronted her. I did my best to defend myself without striking her, but at the end of it, she managed to get in several kicks and knees to my private parts. There was severe swelling and aching for a few days, and I did not want to seek medical attention out of embarrassment. When I finally did, however, I learned to my horror that what she did to me had ruined any possibility of me making a woman pregnant in future.
I made a report on her assault, and she received 12 months in probation for it, as well as paying for my medical fees, although the fact remains that I am now sterile. I suffered from depression after that, but I met my current girlfriend, and got out of it with her help and support.
My soon to be fiance and girlfriend of the present looks forward to someday building a family with me, and I do not want to stop that from happening by letting her know of my condition.
What should I do?

unbothered · Accepted Answer

Hello... I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I know that it must've been quite an ordeal , as you are still relatively young. So I'm sorry again. My advice to you is to let her know as soon as possible. Your window of Politically Correct opportunity may have passed , as you two are already planning a life together, so prepare yourself for her reaction to the news. If she truly loves you however, she may be open to exploring other options, such as adoption. You can't let this destroy you friend. If you need to speak with someone, such as a counselor, pastor or therapist then I would suggest that you do that. You can't keep hiding in the shadows, even if to you it sounds embarrassing to say. If anyone should be embarrassed, it shoud be your ex for doing this to you in the first place. God/The Universe definitely has a bigger plan for your life. It may be difficult to spot the positivity in this situation but everything happens for a reason. I would say have a heart to heart talk with your lady. If you need the added support, try doing it in the presence of a counselor or mediator, that way, you can both gain the added support that you may need going forward in your relationship. This does have to be the end of the world for you. Best of Luck and Blessings to you both. xo

Planet1mf · Accepted Answer

First off to those of you saying it's impossible to become infertile in such a way, it is. It's called testicular trauma and it all depends on how hard the impact was and how many times he was hit. But that's not the point, he clearly asked for advice on how should he tell his girlfriend.

Look, as women we are pretty understanding when it comes to certain things and considering she's with you, she loves you. Maybe sit her down and say, "Hey, there is something we need to talk about." Tell her what happened and tell her because of the situation, you're infertile, it may help to add the reason why you kept it from her. If she flips out, maybe you're not with the right woman and should rethink things. They have many options to help couples going through this. You can actually eat certain foods that can help raise your sperm count and they do have doctors to help men struggling with this. Just think of how many women were told they couldn't have kids and years after trying, boom! They had a kid.

Wish you the best of luck!

fauchelevent · Accepted Answer

It's important that you're honest with your partner. If there's no honesty about things like these, the relationship won't survive anyway. I know you're scared of telling her but it's also unfair to engage her in a serious relationship when you know that she might never be able to gain what she wants from it.

If your relationship is strong, then it's likely this is something that she'll be able to see past. Even if she can't see past this, you should do your best not to get angry with her. She'd be wrong to blame you for being sterile but if having children with her partner is something that she deeply, deeply wants then it's only right that she seeks that relationship, no matter how much it hurts.

So it's really important that you sit her down and tell her about this. But if having a family is something that you'd like to do, then you should make sure she knows that that's what you want. Talk about different routes to have children, such as adoption or insemination.

Good luck! x

keahiamauloa · Accepted Answer

Well yes i'm just a teen... But well maybe you should just tell her. Like I have messed up ovaries and doctors said that I only have a 44% chance of having kids. And i know my boyfriend wants kids.. I told him everything, I even told him about my miscarriage. And he understood and told me that even though doctors say that we never know there could be a miracle and he is willing to be there for me snd love me no matter what. So you should just tell her and if she really loves you she will understand.. Even my older brother had testicular cancer so they took out his testicles and said that he would never have kids... Yet today he has 2 beautiful healthy children with a third kid on the way.. So maybe just like my boyfriend says you guys will "have a miracle baby. Just try and pray for the best" well I pray things go well for you. God Bless

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Please ignore any rude comments. It's a sensetive topic and it shows lack of manners and maturity on their behalf if they write such things.

I feel terrible for you, but this isn't necessarily 100% going to ruin your relationship. Speak to her, but when you do emphasize that it's something very personal to you and you wish to share it with her because of what she means to you. Explain to her why it's her who makes your life special and why your so serious about this relationship. Do you know for definite you are infertile?

evenlift · Accepted Answer

You need to tell her. You would need to, even if you two hadn't discussed children. Children are, after all, a common desire after marriage. But, you especially need to, since you know that she wants children with you.

You're just going to have to sit her down and tell her. Are you happy for her to get artificially inseminated? If so, tell her that. But, don't pressure her to say that she's happy to stay with you. The last thing you need is for her to bury her true feelings for a few years. As distraught as you would feel if she were to break up with you now, imagine how much more distraught you would be to face the emotional and financial strain of divorce on top of all that. And, if she does want to break up, my advice for future relationships is to mention this before you get too emotionally attached to a girl.

Meesterlijk · Accepted Answer

Tell her before the engagement. If she really loves you, there will be a way to work this out. It takes courage to talk about something like this, and it also brings risks. If you really love her, you should tell her rather sooner or later, because she deserves to know. If she really loves you, you'll find a way to live happily together. Telling her this won't make things easier but it is necessary to continue your relationship. Don't keep something like this a secret. I wish you the best of luck!

dipta · Answer

"She possess all the qualities I would want in a woman to raise my child, and she too has expressed her enthusiasm in our future child"

Actually you should have told her already when that situation came up? I understand you were fighting depression and all, but you need to tell her before you propose. You don't want to start a marriage or engagement with such a big secret between you.
I know many couples who couldn't get children because of infertility or maybe they got married late in life. There are other options, it's not the end of the world. And I don't know, how long ago was that? Maybe you could try and look for another medical opinion as well.

ChaosKilledTheDinos · Answer

Definitely tell her before you guys get married out of respect and it's the right thing to do. Because she likely truly loves you, she will understand and the two of you will figure out how to build a family together. There's more than one way to create one but since you want to get married to her you two need to talk about it and work it out as a team. This won't stop her from loving you but realistically this will be something she needs to process and she will need to shift her thinking a bit. I don't think this makes you any less of a man and I don't think she will either. That ex of yours sounds like a nasty piece of work.

pyramid_princess · Answer

Tell her NOW, you shouldn't keep it from her, because one day she will find out, and she will be hurt that you kept it from her. It would make you appear deceitful too, and maybe destroy the relationship.

If you tell her now , she can then make an informed decision on what she wants to do. She
may decide she loves you enough to accept it.

The longer you wait, the harder it will become to tell her. It will be difficult to tell her, but if you truly love her, you have no choice but to be honest with her

Willowlock · Answer

You need to be honest even though you might love her you need to tell her. She might end things but in the end it would be better that way. If she gets mad give her space but then approach. Tell her options about adopting or if your up for it a sperm donor so you can still have kids. Tell her sooner then later, in reality this should've been something you told her a while ago. If you ever start another relationship tell her on one of your first few dates.

Sit her down apologize ahead of time, then just tell her the whole story. If she really loves you she'll understand.

snowangle · Answer

Well, are you open to insemination (with a sperm donor) or adoption? Think about what you're comfortable with and then tell her. She needs to know if a future with you means she won't have your children, or won't have children period.

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Angelic_Girl · Answer

You should i mean you must tell her she have the right to know this and trust me if she really loves you and if she is really that good she will accept you and children are important in life but there is nothing like you should have your own children after marriage you can adopt someone if you are comfortable with it.

love is what matters and if you hide this also after marriage one day she will definitely come to know about this then she will hate you and think that you have cheated her but if you tell her truth she will understand may be she will react badly at first but later she will understand because whatever happened is not your fault i am a girl and i too love children and if i ever faced situation like this i will definitely support and accept my boyfriend.

All the best and be honest love is all about trust, truth and understanding.

Yc2K15 · Answer

I firstly want to honour your strength to reach out for help in order to not hurt your love.
Im confused as to why you didn't tell her, or how the conversation never arose. I talk about contraception and safety with every chick that I sleep with. Have you ever not used a condom? or have you just always pulled out?
the reason why I ask these questions is not to be intrusive but to help you understand that even though you have a obstacle in your life, that doesn't mean you should create obstacles for other people, especially not your loved ones.
I think you should just take deep breaths, come home as usual, sit her down and tell her the truth. I hope truly that this girl can understand you and work towards a happy future for both of you. but leaving this a secret is only going to become harder for you both to overcome in time.
You CAN do it right just believe in yourself and your partner!

Vesuvius87 · Answer

As others have mentioned, this is something you should have told your current gf (soon to be fiancee) from the start and if you haven't, you need to now. Sorry for the experience you went through and this is one of the reasons you just walk away from the cheater and whoever they're cheating with. Neither of them deserved minutes worth of your sadness and anger.
Frankly I don't know where are these few women who kick guys in balls are coming from. I never heard of a girl doing that in my HS; the most a girl did once was slapped a guy hard in the face (overheard how she bragged about that with her friends when I was in my junior yr).
If I ever have to actually kick a man in the balls it would be because he was trying to literally rape me or seriously hurt me (or a family member).

godfatherfan · Answer

You should have brought up this point when she started talking about kids. I mean like when you were just starting to date and the first time it came up you should have told her. What you did was deceitful and dishonest. Basically you have lied to her in a very cruel way. It was a really disgusting thing to do.
The right thing to do is be an actual man about it and tell her. I would seriously be prepared for her to leave you. Not because of being sterile but because of the deception more then anything.
My guess is you will take the coward way out and just not say anything and let it be a "surprise" to you that you can't have kids. She will think it is her until you both get checked out.
wow.. that is beyond disgusting...

Anonymous · Answer

You're just going to have to sit down and explain the situation with her. If she loves you, she'll be understanding. Talk about adoption with her. I know a couple who went through a similar situation. The woman was infertile but they really wanted kids. They were scared about adoption because they didn't think it would be the same. They wanted to go through all the steps of pregnancy and everything. They were worried they wouldn't love the kids as much as they would with a biological kid. They finally adopted though and they don't see a difference. They now have two children they adopted and they want a third. They're very happy and they love the kids.

Jennaluvsyou · Answer

Tell her now because it can cause problems In the future marriage. She may end up. Thinking she's infertile. So tell her now and if she truly loves you she'll understand. There are other avenues but you guess can still experience the pregnancy together. And I'm so sorry to hear the reason of your infertility that's a wicked woman

Kiwifun · Answer

First of all good for you for not hitting a woman although my thought at that point would have been to kick the living shit out of her in your own self defense. Good for you though!! I would be truly just honest and up front with her. Tell her exactly what happened. She should understand as it sounds like you guys are in love with each other. Adoption is always an option and you never know, she may surprise you and say it doesn't matter after hearing you're story and not need kids right away or just be happy with the two of you.

HonestWhiteGuy · Answer

I'd be so pissed if I were you, I really want kids and them to be from my seed, not someone elses. But first thing you should do is go to a doctor and make sure there's not any treatments or anything they can do, I've heard there's treatments to reverse male infertility. Secondly after you tried that you will need to just tell her the truth, she deserves to know. You can always look into sperm donor/adopting but like I said first you should see a doctor, maybe a few different doctors even to get different opinions.

Anonymous · Answer

Holy shit what she did was HORRIBLE!! I am SOOO sorry for your loss!
But please you have to tell her... If she loves you and I believe she does if she has come this far with you then she won't fault you... She may be a bit upset for a while for you not telling her sooner though so be prepared for that...
As for artificial insemination well there is different forms and don't necessarily require your sperm... There are sperm donor banks that you could consider. You'll have to think outside the box and it may be difficult concept for you as a man that you will use someone else's sperm but the option is out there if you decide to go for it...

foxsquirrell · Answer

OMG I can't believe. I true story where a guy got his balls broken and the girl actually broke his balls. I am in disbelieve. What the fuck you deserve more compensation for ruining your chances of having a child (that is if you ever wanted one). We can even stretch it to the point that in a way she effectively murdered you because you have no chance of continuing your blood line! I'm going to start respecting women more after this. I mean they can be very brutal :O.
Anyways I think your current girlfriend has the right to know.

AshleyMD · Answer

Just probation though?
Wow that really sucks. You could always adopt or find a sperm donor. You need to sit down with her and tell her that you need to have a serious talk with her. I don't think there really isn't any better way then to just tell her calmly and tell her about other options like adoption or sperm from a sperm bank.

beautifulife · Answer

I never found a kick to the balls funny. Some girls talk about it as a way to get back at guys for being jerks, and I've seen girls trying to do it, and it was never funny, cute, or even badass. Don't they know they can make him infertile? They can take away his future children, and it's terrible. The media doesn't mention things like that; they just make a joke of it like it's harmless. In any case, you must tell her. Do the right thing, even if it is hard.

britttybear · Answer

Tell her because she needs to know. You don't want her to feel like you have been hiding things from her. Just sit down and talk too her. Explain the whole situation and if she truly loves you she will understand. Adopting is always a good plan too do.

edeline · Answer

Sit her down and talk to her. What's happened to you is very traumatic and I am deeply sorry. Tell her, a wonderful woman would understand and support you through this highly stressful situation. Explore any possible solutions together, I'm not sure if this is even possible or if I am ignorant to the matter but perhaps artificial insemination? Can doctors take your semen to impregnate her?

lePoivre · Answer

Just tell her that you're infertile and keep in mind that adoption is always an option, as is false insemination. I personally would go with adoption, as there are roughly 400,000 children in foster care in the United States alone, but if she wants to have a child who has her genes, you could also go the other route.
Also, I just have to say I think it's really sweet how you two want to start a family together =)

How should I tell my soon to be fiance who loves children that I am actually infertile?

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