Why do women lose interest in sex with their husbands... but find other males hot?

[Anonymous]

Why do you think this happens?

After a few years of marriage, a wife will often show a complete lack of interest in sex with her husband. But if she gets to f*ck another man, she'll do it with a whole lot of enthusiasm...

Have you experienced this?

In my case, it happened both ways...

My best friend's wife once phoned up to say my wife was "having fun" with her husband.

In another case, the woman I was having an affair with was the hottest I had ever taken to bed. She was better than a porn-star! When I asked her about her relationship with her ex-husband, she was very embarassed and just gave a number of excuses of why they had stopped being intimate. Ironically enough, my own wife was depriving me of sex at that very point of time. It's not that I was good in bed with one and terrible with the other.

So is the human being not made for monogamy? Do things automatically spice up when we get into bed with a new mate? (If true, this has strong implications for the survival of our families, and the implications it has for our kids... while our own personal sex-life gives us an incentive to 'cheat').

What do you feel?

[thetundrawolf]

It has less to do with a board generalization of predisposition for cheating, and more to do with a severance of a heart connection between two people.

Many factors come into play.

Were you intimate before marriage? That is very, very bad for the longevity of the relationship.

Was she your everything? Did you hold ANYTHING back from her in your heart? I think the people who can honestly answer this "yes" is likely less than 9" of all couples, everywhere.

The same goes for her.

If she is not your everything- not only at the beginning of the relationship but ten, twenty, thirty years into it, if you do not have the wisdom and strength to keep her at the highest height of your heart, in the most intimate recesses, if you can not wait to see her at the end of the day, every day, then you are holding back. You are letting the petty BS get between you and her, or you never truly loved her in the first place.

Love is an easy emotion to feel, and even easier when you are having sex. True, lasting love comes from denying yourself and getting to know and love her heart, forever holding it far above your own. If this is the case there will be no cheating, because neither of you took the easy way out and became selfish and self centered.

The truth is you would rather say "All humans cheat and are not monogamous" which is very weak, rather than saying "I utterly failed at my duty to cherish my wife above all and/or I foolishly married a selfish, wicked, self absorbed, proud and evil woman, but because I was sleeping with her before I got married, I didn't even see it."

[TheWiseOwl]

Marriage takes an endless amount of effort, self-sacrifice, commitment and time in order to make them last, sadly people are too selfish and it's always about "me, me, me" so if people have that attitude then of course infidelity will be rife because it's far easier to have an affair then it is to continue to put time and effort into spicing things up.

The modern day human being is nothing but a feral, wild savage animal and they can never uphold a marriage because they lack the basic human characteristics needed to ensure a marriage is constantly being reinvented. The sooner marriage becomes obsolete the better, it's an absolute farce nowadays. When wankers like Russell Brand get married you know the institute of marriage is dead on its arse.

[emmabee11]

let me get this straight.. . you would have sex with a woman behind your own wifes back and then allow other people to do it? WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YU THINKING? show some respect to people man... you don't just go and cheat on your wife... clearly when this happens you stopped communicating with each other and have some problems to work out and when that happens a woman especially will definitely let you know that by not having sex with you, so instead you go and sleep with another woman behind her back... very low man... you both definitely have a lot of problems to sort out between you but if you do that she definitely cannot trust you or the people you hang out with.

[Asker]

emmabee11, when you're under 24, I agree that's how it sounds. When you go through a 20 year marriage, these things do happen. Not just once.

I didn't "allow other people to do it". When you grow older you'll realise that these things happen without your (or your spouses) control!

I don't agree with the view that all the problems in the world can be solved simply by "communication". I'd think brain chemicals might have more to do with it.

[emmabee11]

No... in no world should cheating be the right thing to do no matter what age you are... if i found out you did that and i was your wife id be completely hurt and devistated, especially when we have been together for 20 YEARS!, you have to ask yourself what did that 20 years with her actually mean to you?, because when you cheat you are throwing that all away, and when your best friends wife may then tell her husband that's it... your going to also lose your best friends and then possibly your wife too, completely irresponsible and actually i am 24 and i've been through a whole lot of disrespect from guys over the past 6 years... if you have problems talk to your wife, communicate don't just go and cheat on them... you are really unbelieveable and if your wife found out and your BEST FRIEND of all people... i highy doubt they could trust you again, actions have consiquences even for you.

[Asker]

You got it a bit wrong: my best friend's wife accused her (my wife) of doing something (with her husband).

Take a look at the other side of the record. I've been through 20 years of a sex-starved marriage, so one affair is not a bad record by any stretch of imagination. It could have been better, agreed, at zero. But then, I'm not a saint.

[emmabee11]

Then if your unhappy and refuse to communicate with your wife to sort anything then don't continue this... divorce or something but it's just not right to go and sleep with other women behind your wifes back... in no world is it right... so it's ether open up or pack your bags, i think if 1 day she finds out and shit hits the fan (and women aren't stupid by the way we just know... lol), she will eventually tell you the same thing... so get some sense man come on... if you can be better than that then BE better than that.

[Asker]

The question is about women losing their interest in sex with their husbands, but being horny if they had the chance to do it with another man.

I think you're turning the tables by focussing exclusively on an affair which ended four years back!

[emmabee11]

Well i think they are stupid lol agan in no world is having affairs right so they have to communicate with their husbands if they have problems, it takes 2 to tango, but the fact you seem completely fine with it happening... it realy worries me for your wifes sake.

[Asker]

This idea that "communicating" can solve all problems is simply too simplistic.

[emmabee11]

*shakes head* when you guys get too cocky like this and think you can get away with everything is when shit will start to hit the fan, this really isn't a way to treat others at all.

[Asker]

I don't see a convincing argument in what you say. Just cliches.

[Janett21]

I have read an article about it yoh are right many wifes loose interest in sex with their husband but dont loose interest in sex generally. It is mostly because of emotional reasons, women feel that they are unwanted and that their husband dont care much about them. Women want to hear that they are loved and wanted and appreciate every kind of compliments. If you don't show her that she is still special to you after so many years of marriage, the woman won't want to have sex with you..

[Asker]

It might not be that. Read somewhere about the two-year-itch which hits women sometimes.

If they wanted to be loved really, they wouldn't go with any jerk who's using them simply for sex, no?

[Janett21]

Look, personally I would NEVER cheat on my bf, married lr not. But I can understand why some women do it, if you are right to her and treat her with respect she will. love you and have sex with you as much as you want. But if not, she willbe searching somewhere else for sex. Most times women are cheating they get with the 2nd person, while men are staying mostly with their wife.. its a fact but I find 2 sexes do crap because if you do have a problem. with each other you should just discuss it, cheating is so bad.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are difficult and sex is easy. so it's easy to build resentment for your spouse due to a multitude of daily issues that a novelty partner doesn't have to deal with. Small things seem to add up in daily partnering to create a large gap in connection.

[Asker]

That makes some sense, but still doesn't answer this paradox...

You don't want me but almost anyone else will do (if we're married).

You didn't want your husband, but a useless me would do (if we're not married).

[Opinion Owner]

Because of the lack of built up resentments, annoyances and disappointments. I have a notion that even a small thing like separate living quarters could possibly drive up sexual desire in monogamous partners.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't see it as much of a lack of feeling appreciated as an excess of feeling irritated by each other.

[Asker]

Right. Separate bed rooms would do that. Because the other is more inaccessible! Agree with you.

[Asker]

Doesn't feeling irritated simply come with time?

[Opinion Owner]

Possibly? I'm not sure.

[JackKerouac77]

1) Humans are most likely not biologically suited for monogamy. But make up your own minds on that.
2) Anything "new" is exciting, whether it's a dick or a donut.
3) Many marriages crumble because of lack of proper communication
4) Some people aren't meant for marriage to begin with, but do it because it's the "right" thing to do.

[aamy811]

You act like only women do this. I usually notice that in relationships guys get bored the fastest and would most like to have an open relationship. But still it's just because hinges get boring, Doug anything for a long time eventually gets boring

[Asker]

For guys it's more straight and upfront. Most of the times (though guys won't admit it that way), it's just one factor: lack of good sex that makes them feel manly and powerful enough!

[Lance1965]

They lose the emotional attachment they had with their husbands so they seek it from someone else. A guy is expected to perform at 100% or close to it forever which is humanly impossible. Once the guy starts to slip, sexually, emotionally or isn't giving the attention she once had she will cheat, bail or both. The average length of a marriage is only 8 years. The average length of a second marriage is even less.

[Anonymous]

I believe the newness May spice things up. My girlfriend had a one year affair. We had sex pretty often but I was always working and was focus on my career. I always thought are sex was good. She kept sleeping with this guy. I found out a year later. I bet she was all over him and probably had better sex with him

[Creole_Flavor]

There could be a number of reasons. He let himself go, she isn't attracted to him anymore sexually, she is bored, she wants emotional attention, she wants to try new things in bed, lack of romance

[dugroc]

I can agree with this, but what if she is to blame more than the man and still finds enthusiasm in an outside encounter?

[Creole_Flavor]

It depends on what she is more to blame for? Whatever the reason, cheating is wrong and if she is more at fault and cheats then she is not taking responsibility and has given up on fixing things if she would rather just cheat.

[been_waiting]

I think both men and women do this. They get used to the other person's body and having sex with them.

But I don't think it happens each and every time.

[kheserthorpe]

The simplest answer probably is 'nature wants you to not put all your (genetic) eggs in one basket (father's DNA)

[TedStar]

New dick > old dick, just like with guys (with regards to the V)

[Asker]

Are you sure it's all that simple :-)

[TedStar]

Not that simple, but the theme is. Humans are naturally curious and routine and boredom are major relationship killers

[GingerBiscuits]

I think you're all garbage and need to be divorced & single to mess about

[Asker]

Sweetheart, life IS messy! We're humans after all... Despite the mistakes, am trying to make it work! Thanks for your comments anyway.

[GingerBiscuits]

Making it work isn't tripping into someone else's vagina.

[Asker]

I agree with you. Mistakes happened both sides. I cannot live in regret eternally or commit suicide because of that! Am focussing on the future.

[Anonymous]

I find my husband hot! I would never cheat on him. Marriages have ups and downs. Your question can be reversed also, then you can answer it yourself.

[Asker]

How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

These factors, to my mind, seem crucial...

[Opinion Owner]

12 years and yes we do.

[Asker]

Cool, you're a rare exception.

[Anonymous]

Because they already got the ring... I'm kidding!! I don't know. Maybe because if you have children then the wife wouldn't want her child to see her as a sexual person.

[Asker]

Good joke. But even I won't be so harsh on women.

I think many of them do it without even realising the causes. It's just the chemicals to blame. They no longer get the high which they once got. The author Esther Perel explains this well (google her).

For a moment I wouldn't believe women do this deliberately or consciously.

[Anonymous]

Why do men lose interest in sex with their wives... But find other women hot?

[Asker]

Most of the time, I'd say, men just feel deprived of sex, and unwanted. Which is why an affair -- with all its risks -- seems like an option!

[Opinion Owner]

Of course. You're always the victims.

[Asker]

Not victims, but there's a hidden side of the men's story which never gets told. (After all, we're brave, right?)

When younger, I used to see my dad as largely to blame because of his many affairs, which really traumatised us as kids. However, more recently, being a male in middle-age, I've come to understand how my mum herself played a crucial part in this by (i) depriving him sex most of the time (ii) being quite a prude...

[Opinion Owner]

You're not happy in a relationship? You either work it out like fucking adults or separate/divorce.
There are plenty of married women who have sex with their husbands on a normal basis where both of them are satisfied.
Maybe the men in your family don't know how to pick out a good wife.

[Asker]

Not all cultures allow for divorce so easily. Plus, there are kids and I'd not want my lack of a good sex life to mar them for life!
Also, I don't think there's anything as "picking a good wife". How this shapes out depends on a whole range of variables.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh you don't want to divorce because you don't want to hurt your kids but, somehow going around sleeping with other women won't? You're hurting them way more then you think.
You need to grow the fuck up.

[Asker]

Hurting whom? The kids or the "women"?

Incidentally, it was just one "woman". Not plural.

[Opinion Owner]

The kids. Oh and your wife.

It doesn't matter how many women there are.

[Asker]

That's the past tense. Why are women so unforgiving about men who err in a sex-deprived marriage?

As someone argued, if sex is not at all important to the wife (when it comes to doing it with the man *only she* can give it to) then why do wives kick up such a fuss when the man sleeps with even a single other woman?

[Opinion Owner]

Because adults should act like fucking adults. How should I make that more clear? Especially if there is a child/children in the home.

[Asker]

Darl, when you're in a long term relationship, come back and tell me what you feel about it.

[Opinion Owner]

I won't need to.
Don't make your bad decisions in life in being in a long term relationship. Every relationship has their 'things' you learn to work through then or if you can't you seperate/divorce.

And I don't plan on marrying a douche like you or 'denying' sex to my husband.

[Asker]

Good for you. I hope it works as planned. My wife was the sweetest woman when we married two decades ago! She gave me far more sex then I even wanted or needed, then.

[Asker]

Why is 'denying' in quotes? Sex-deprived marriages are a reality!

[Opinion Owner]

I never said they were not a reality. I said there are mature ways to work through them.

[dugroc]

I think a man will lose interest if the one they are with begins to control sex and it's frequency or completely loses interest and or sexual drive. It would be hard for me to stay in a committed relationship, even harder for me to want a healthier sexual relationship if they soon realize their actions are hurting the overall relationship. But finding another person hot is such a normal thing, I also don't believe a man easily loses interest in having sex with their wife unless adverse factors are involved. This I believe goes for the woman as well.

[Opinion Owner]

And? That gives a man a right to cheat? That means that kids deserve to grow up in a home where the parents act like fucking children?
I never said to stay in the relationship and pretend that everything is okay when it's clearly not. I said to work through it. Like human beings.
@dugroc

[Asker]

Agree with @dugroc. I'd be very grateful if my wife gave me just plain vanila sex twice or 2.5 times a week. But even that can be hard to get at some stages of a relationship.

Speaking for myself, 20 years into a relationship, she still turns me on, and I'm never complaining about weight, age, etc... but just telling her how sexy she is to me.

[bubbletrouble]

I don't know maybe people aren't wired to be monogamous. That's my guess.

[Asker]

That makes some sense. Take a look at any romantic elder couples, and you can guess that (i) either they're not married to each other (ii) their relationship is less than 2 years old.

[Anonymous]

Probably because you get boring and repeatative and don't care if you get off.

[Asker]

Nope, I put in all the enthusiasm that I ever could. And tried my best to get her off...

Also, what other women say (lack of intimacy, lack of appreciation, no flowers, not help with the housework, the pressure of kids, etc, etc) seems like just crappy excuses... Because these are NOT issues at the start of a relationship for a woman.

[Anonymous]

Probably because most marry for personality and financial reasons. Attraction just isn't there and after marriage there is no reason now that they have been married and are secure.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you but
1 your wife might a slut
2 you need to improve your creativity in bed

I've been with some wives and does are mostly the top 2

[Billlewis]

Because they want to experience hotter sex.

[JennieF]

I haven't.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy is a myth