Been in an affair for a year and the wife found out?

[Laneyboggs]

I have been involved in an affair with a man for a year . We worked together in a town a few hours from his home. He kept an apartment here and went home on the weekends do to his work. We were together night and day for 6 months straight. I tried to break it off with him a few times but he begged me not to leave him as he was in love with me and needed me in his life. I continued the relationship with him because I had feelings for him also. He unexpectedly lost his job and had to move permanently to his home full time with his wife. It just about killed us both. For the first few months were missing each other very badly.Then after awhile I could feel him getting distant from me. I ask him if he still loved me and he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me but his feelings hadn't stopped. A few times we discussed letting the relationship go but we couldn't just stop. At this point we were only seeing each other physically about once a month, but were communicating everyday. 1 month ago his wife found out and she lowered the boom on him. She called me and ask me what was going on between us and I told her the truth BECAUSE he told me he had told her the truth. Now it seems as though our TRUTHS don't match. He is severely downplaying our relationship. She threw him out and is filing for a divorce. The night she found out he came to me and has continued to be with me and talk with me as much as he can while having to commute to do so. The day before yesterday he told me that he has no feelings inside for anyone and that a counselor had told him that he needed to stop talking to me. That was it. Haven't heard a word since. Thoughts please.

[da5id]

ok here is what happened:

the guy, lets call him joe, wanted a little cooch on the side, maybe some adventure, spread his genes and throw around another woman for some time, cause he is a hotshot and what not. but he is also sloppy and thinks that he is smarter than others, everyone thinks that by the way...

yes of course he begs you to stay, after all you are his entertainment when he is away from home.

now suddenly the hotshot looses his job and has to get back to his woman at home.

and because he is getting his there from his wife, he gets distant with you, the reason why he keeps contact is because, well yeah, you never know when hotshot joe is back in town...

but from this alone you can clearly see where he puts his loyality. so now because he is sloppy, his wife was suspicious about the calls, he had all the time and probably checked his phone and computer, and found you.

she confronts him about being the good housewife, staying at home all the time, watching the kids etc. while joe is out f***ing all the time thus loosing his job, at least that's what she thinks and even if she doesn't she probably said it, because she is angry.

because he thinks he is smarter, he tries to play it down, waters the story to something like "oh my, we were working so hard, until late at night, had a few drinks, to loosen up, it only happened once or twice etc. etc.

because he is not smarter than his wife she calls you right away to confirm his story, and sloppy joe did not think about that, he didn't tell you what to say, so of course the lie breaks his neck, she throws him out.

now joe is back in town, although not quite how he imagined it to be, especially since he is running low on money and space to live, so he does the next best thing, he tries to move into your place, cause hey, its free.

but since you and your place are only second choice, he asks his lawyerfriend, or counselor to help him get out of this mess i.e. get his life and wife back, cause if she divorced him he would loose not only the house but also half of his remaining money, maybe more cause joe is at fault and he probably didn't make a marriage-contract.

now his counselor friend tells him to get out of your place immediately, because any second he stays at your place he is slowly impaling himself on a divorce since obviously that would mean that he feels something for you because he immediately went back to you after she kicked him out.

anyway, what he does is trying to get back what he lost in the first place after being shocked and not knowing what to do when his wife kicked him out, he stopped at your place, f***ed you for good measure and to calm down, sleep think of a way to get back into the game.

either he is fighting the divorce, or he is already fighting his wife.

in either case he is probably not coming back for you unless he lost horribly and is broke at which point he will also be unattractive for you, since the time he was attractive has gone you just haven't noticed yet.

cheers

[da5id]

You should move on and find somebody new. also loose double standards (think about how you would react when your man goes off and f***s someone else, looses his job etc.) that would probably make it much easier to find somebody willing to settle with and for you.

better luck in your future though.

[da5id]

for all the haters:

(I know my answer isn't really comforting but far from flaming)

your comments are useless.

people do immoral things, wether they are aware of it or not, and wether you bitch at them or not.

it is simply because of limited resources, and yes limited options.

now the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone, hard to understand for some 16-25 yrs. old person but that's how it is. for women the game ends sooner but not by much, and so they get increasingly desperate once they near 45-50, after all you want to have your own kids, a man that supports you and loves you etc, there is just not much time left to do it all.

so suddenly you see roads where you would have never thought about before and you also walk them down because a chance, even if it is very very slim, is still better than nothingness.

i would even go as far as to say that everyone acts that way once he runs out of options.

there is a saying that I can't recall exactly but it goes something like this "only those that have enough of them can afford to ignore options" - once things get tight, everything that is thinkable will also be done at some point, as long as you still have a thread of hope left.

think about that and yourself really long and hard before you bitch, it only makes you look really stupid and immature (but that's just my 2 cents so whatever right?)

[urmama]

LEAVE THE MAN ALONE! You have no idea of the pain you have caused! You may think you do but you don't! You claim he stated he LOVED you, how/why would you believe him? Think!

Love is a commitment between Two not three!

What are the TRUTHS that don't match? The only truth is he is an adulterer and you a whore! Whore= immoral woman, unscrupulous person!

[jacquesvol]

@urmama, whore= a prostitute, a person selling sex for money, not the case here.

7They kept on asking Jesus about the woman. Finally, he stood up and said, "If any of you have never sinned, then go ahead and throw the first stone at her!" John 8:7 KJV CEV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%208:7&version=CEV

[Laneyboggs]

I understand your anger toward me urmama, like I said I am not going to defend what your saying. The truths that did not match were that he denied to her the depth of his involvement in the affair. He denied telling me for six months that he loved me that there were serious problems at home and that their marriage was on it's way out. He denied haveing a physical relationship with me that had continued the entire time. He had told het that it only happened twice.

[urmama]

Jacquesvol: Just one of the ten = Thou shalt not commit adultery.

27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away! It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into hell. 30 If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away! It is better to lose

[urmama]

Jacquesvol cont': of your members than to have your whole body go into hell (Matthew 5:27-30).

[xsimplyxpaigex]

I don't want to post mean comments like everyone else, but.. You got what you deserved. Women like you are one of the reasons over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. You don't go around f***ing another man's wife and expect the outcome to be positive. I'm really sorry, but I am totally against adultery, and you just helped a lousy man commit it.

[Laneyboggs]

I am not going to defend myself against anything you have said except for that he is just as much if not more responcible for their marrige ending . I cannot tell you why I got involved with him I never would have thought in a million years that I would have got involved with a married man but I did and it isn't as black and white as everyone may think. No one is as sorry as I am.

[xsimplyxpaigex]

Oh, no, I totally agree that he is twice as responsible! He had a wife and he should have kept his eyes on her and his d*** in his pants. Like I said, a lousy man. I'm really sorry for being mean about this, but this is a touchy subject for me. My dad cheated on my mom several times. The ultimate end result was divorce. Its hard to recover from something like that.

[Laneyboggs]

Urmama cont : He also denied that he had been the one who iniciated the affair. He denied to her that I had tried to break it off with him 4 times and he begged me to continue because he loved me. I can prove to her that all of the these things his is telling her now are nothing but lies but by doing so I know that it would devistate her even more. So I have decided to just not do anything at this point. I am not and never was trying to take him or win him from her.

[Clair]

i'm just curious... why would you want to be with a man that could quite easily look directly into the eyes of his friend, partner, lover and mother of his beautiful children, and down right lie to, every day for over a year?

I'm just curious to know, what exactly about that turned you on?

[xsimplyxpaigex]

Good question! I would also like to know the answer to this.

[Laneyboggs]

They do not have children together, which is really beside the point, although I do agree that would have made what we did even worse. All I can say in my own defense ,although there really isn't one, is that I listened and beleived him. But truthfully the question that you just ask me I have asked myself many many many times.

[Laneyboggs]

As far as the turn on part , He and I spent a lot of time together at work. We talked a lot starting out as nothing more than co workers , then friends . I went through something VERY tramatic and lost someone in my life and I was shatterd, no warning , no diagnosis , just here one day gone the next. He came to my rescue and spent time trying to get me through it, we became even closer. After awhile we both claimed to love each other , need eachother, want eachother. It was true on my part.

[Littletad]

For one, six months straight you continued to be in a relationship that you surely knew would destroy a marriage, and the people in that family. If he wasn't being honest with his wife about you, then what made you think he was ever going to be honest with you. Not only that, he lied in his "truth" version that he told his wife. This tells me that he he's a man of the lowest worth, not even man enough to at least tell his wife the truth. And yet, you still wonder if he will contact you again. If you can't see that you've wasted your time for the past year, then I don't know what else to tell you.

[Laneyboggs]

Thank you for your input. It's not that that I can't see the writing on the wall. I am trying desperatly to deal with what I have done , what he has done, what she is going through. Wether it was wrong or not or wether I deserve it or not I am experiancing some devistating feelings of regret, guilt , anger , confusion, remorse and pain. Just need to talk , sorry.

[Littletad]

Well that's a better attitude than most girls out there. Though I'm sure there will be more answers and most will judge you on this. Notice I didn't, I only warned you of the factual consequences that are sure to be played out. We can't help who we fall for, and sometimes we become oblivious to what's morally right and wrong. What you can do though, is understand your ordeal and what you've learned from this. Only then can you move on.

[jacquesvol]

@Question Asker,

IMHO, he lied in the "truth" version that he told his wife because he wanted to stay with her (eventually to continue his double life) He's simply keeping you as a booty call.

Don't regret things that cannot be undone and don't get you in front of a judge: it just helps nothing. Take it as a lesson for life.

[Anonymous]

I think at a certain age you are looking for a certain adrenaline rush. Especially if things start to get boring. I think that was what this guy was doing, his life got boring and wanted to break the pattern. You were probably his escape for whatever he was going through, and now that he is not in a marriage anymore, he has already escaped.

[Laneyboggs]

Not saying that your wrong but that hurts.

[Anonymous]

You're a home wrecker and you deserve the pain. Affairs aren't meant to last. Just be happy it did this long. Find a man that you can have a serious relationship with that will last and I do emphasis SINGLE!

[Laneyboggs]

I am sure many people would agree with you.

[jacquesvol]

Most married men go back to their wife in cases like that. Lots of wives accept them back and mistresses stay behind.

da5id seems to be giving you a very correct answer.

[Anonymous]

Good. You're pathetic for sleeping with a married man. Good going home-wrecker. Get some respect for yourself and find some morals.

[jacquesvol]

A mess, as was to be expected.

How old are the kids involved? His kids, yours?

[Laneyboggs]

No children involved. He has children from a previous marriage which he is not been allowed to have a relationship do to the fact that his wife does not like then, this is what she told me herself as well as he did.

[OhGawDuhhh]

Please don't waste your time with childish games that have very adult consequences.

All you'll do is regret all the great stuff that you could have done with all that time.