Told my boyfriend that sometimes it feels like he's raping me and now he's a lot more distant?

Question

We've been together for 2 years. Sometimes he gets home from work when I'm in bed and I wake up to him about to put it in. Or he'll get in the shower with me and just push me up against the wall and fuck me, without saying anything. I have never said no or stop. Honestly, I'm okay with him doing those things, I like it most of the time, but sometimes he's more rough and it does feel like he's raping me and I wanted to be honest with him.

When I told him he replied with "Jesus fucking Christ [name]... Raping you?" Then he walked out and went to work. This was three weeks ago. Ever since, he's been way more distant. He hasn't initiated sex at all. When we're in bed, if I start kissing him or stroking his chest, he just turns over. We're still talking, but it's only about what's for dinner and the like.

Was what I said wrong? I told him the truth. I have no idea what to say to him. Like, seriously what do I say?

ajboarder · Accepted Answer

I think you just went about it entirely the wrong way. Rape has SUCH a negative connotation. It destroys lives. Your boyfriend, who I am sure cares about you, probably really felt awful and blindsided to find out that he was hurting you and that you didn't appreciate the sex.

The guy definitely should have been asking for a more direct form of your consent than just assuming that because you are together and because you didn't say no, rough surprise sex is okay... but you went overboard with the comparison.

Sit him down, apologize, and tell him exactly what you told us. That you didn't mean to say that you think he's a rapist... but that sometimes when he 'surprises' you, it really hurts and that you'd appreciate it if he was gentler and more deferential when initiating sex.

If your relationship doesn't survive after that... well... nothing you can do really. He was unintentionally hurting you physically, but you hurt him pretty bad emotionally.

JustinCaseUDontKnow · Accepted Answer

I think it's better if a girl would come on to me
if is she wants to make love/ sex.. I think any guy who
sticks his penis in you when your sleep that's wrong
unless your guys suffering from a sleep disorder called
Sexsomnia.. Sleep sex, or sexsomnia, is a condition in
which a person will engage in sexual activities while asleep.
This condition falls within the broad class of sleep disorders
known as parasomnias. In extreme cases, sexsomnia has
been alleged, and accepted, as the cause of sexual assault,
including rape.
What i wonder if your BF got this sleeping disorder
also wonder is your BF sleeping and he wakes up out
of his sleep and comes into the shower and starts doing
it to you but if he doesn't have any of these disorders he
really is committing a form of rape and whether you mind
it or not you know this is not a healthy relationship
with his actions with you.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

He shouldn't be trying to have sex with you without even waking you up.. there's no consent. I think he has a serious problem. You say you don't mind most of the time but obviously the lack of communication and lack of appreciation of your feelings is bothering you. He should really care how you feel but it doesn't sound like he does. This might sound extreme but it kind of sounds like he wants to dominate you without any input from you, and now he's pissed that you have an opinion. Honestly it sounds like he was using your body, because it should not freak him out that much that you actually want to take part in the sex rather than being mindlessly fucked.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You're so stupid. Of course he's gonna be distant. You said that it felt like he was raping you. Rape is a serious crime. If I were him I would've broken up with you and find someone else that appreciates the sex. You could've told him in a nicer way, I'm sure he would've understood and not distance himself.

CommieDearest · Accepted Answer

I think there was a way better way to approach the issue than to tell him you feel like he's raping you. Something needed to be said, but not necessarily like that. I think you need to explain to him what you meant exactly, and try to talk this out. I see both sides here.

CootiesInfection · Answer

Are you fucking kidding me? this is why we're so fucking paranoid around women. stupid bitches like you. he's not raping a damn thing. and if you're gonna go running off at the mouth about some life ruining shit like that just because you're too stupid and fucked in the head to think it through properly then you don't even deserve a fucking boyfriend

Anonymous · Answer

I know the exact answer because I've been there.

Tell him it's how you feel and that you aren't calling him a rapist. Guys take stuff like that VERY seriously when it comes from his female. It feels VERY offensive and it hurts a lot.

I would say that you should apologize for hurting him as that wasn't your intention. I would also ask him to talk with you about it. He's waiting on you to talk to him because you messed him up in the head. Tell him you trust him... You just feel the way you do.

Him being a rapist DOES NOT = you feel he is raping you. And you both need to understand that.

Rloco · Answer

You basically told him you felt he was doing these things against your will in a violent way. you should have just told him he did it without asking and did it rough. rape has a huge negative connotation and implies you felt he violated you and it bothered you in a very serious way. you need to tell him you used the wrong words and exaggerated. let him know your ok with him doing these things. and if you like that he does this tell him it's ok. If not just tell him to ask you first.

CHARismatic110 · Answer

Well rape is something serious. You basically told him that you feel like he's forcing himself on you. Probably not the best way to approach that situation. If the roughness is what bothers you then try explaining that you didn't mean it the way it came out. But I can understand the cold shoulder, you basically called him a rapist.

JackKerouac77 · Answer

Gosh, I wonder why. Poor guy is probably shitting bricks wondering whether a police report has been filed. Maybe a better choices of words would have been "Sometimes you are too aggressive and I wish we would go slower/be more passionate"

Bellibooo · Answer

It wasn't wrong, but rape is a very strong and negative word and he probably felt really upset that if you didn't want sex, didn't say anything in the first place.

Prof_Don · Answer

"rape" is not a word to be used lightly about describing a guy's actions.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah, I've woken my girlfriend up with sex before. She likes it. If suddenly she told me she thought I was raping her, I would be pissed as well. Rape is a big word.

bubble_tea · Answer

Jesus fucking Christ.. how does it not hurt you every time he goes in dry? I would cry every single time.

becca123 · Answer

There might have been nicer ways to get your point across.

Anonymous · Answer

I think he should not be entering you when you were sleeping... rest I don't know... but you should have said that he should not do it so hard... rape? I think that was a little too much...

Anonymous · Answer

yes sounds like you are being assaulted by him.. and yeah it sounds like a rape.. you should be respected

Anonymous · Answer

"Be more gentle" =/= "YOU ARE TAKING MY BODY AGAINST MY WILL!" You're an idiot.

Told my boyfriend that sometimes it feels like he's raping me and now he's a lot more distant?

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