My boyfriend broke up with me and says he doesn't love me anymore or care about me as anything but a friend.

We had been together for 3 years and 8 months. This past summer he lost a lot of weight and started changing and becoming way different than he used to be. He started getting really friendly with a coworker which I asked him to stop. But then he just got mad and said I was trying to control him and I couldn't trust him, even though this girl was being flirty and obviously wanted to be more than friends. Finally he realized we couldn't have a healthy relationship with her in it. So he told her to not call and text him anymore and that they couldn't be friends. Things dramatically improved! We became so much better I felt love like I hadnt in months and it was like things used to be! Then out of no where he says he doesn't think he loves me anymore, only as a friend. We decided to try and work it out, but less than a month later he's broken up with me and refuses to try anything to save our relationship like counseling. He says he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't know why he just doesnt. I asked him if there wasn't anything from the past 3 years and 8 months worth saving and he said just our friendship. The thing is the night he did this he spent a half hour after work talking to that girl about our problems. I caught them when I went looking for him when he didn't come home. Then the day after he broke up with me she starts calling and texting him a lot and asked him over to her house. He went! I had asked him earlier that day (not knowing they had already talked) to not hang out with her to talk to her right away out of respect for our relationship and friendship. We were supposed to meet up when I got off work but he was at her house and didn't leave until I was already off. He didn't even care that this would hurt my feelings, he said I can't place restrictions on him if we're not in a relationship. Later he admitted that it was mean and he wishes he hadnt hung out with her (the source of so much pain in our relationship) the day after he broke up with me and he wished he could take it back. But somehow my wonderful boyfriend turned into a jerk. What happened? A year ago you could have not convinced me that this could have happened or that he would have been so mean. They say someone never leaves a relationship unless there's someone else, and I think that happened but he wasn't looking for a girlfriend just another best friend to replace me. He doesn't have any close friends besides me and always said he was lonely and that this girl was a good friend. They had never hung out before how could she be such a good friend? I feel like he cheated on me maintaining a relationship he wasn't supposed to with her. Like he replaced me or is trying to replace me as his best friend. He says he is just tired of trying in our relationship and doesn't care anymore and that I can't ask him to pretend to love me. He also dropped a lot of clues that he left me bcuz I was trying to control him in that earlier situation with her or that he wants to be able to do what he wants.

Updates:
The day after we broke up he and that girl went on a walk on the beach together and confessed their feelings for each other and every day after that have been telling each other how much they love and miss each other and want to be together.
I don't talk to him anymore, I am over him, there's no reason to keep talking about this so I'm deleting it.
 

What's Your Opinion?

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • ok this is what you do

    if he doesn't want to be with you , then give him his wish

    u won't be friends with him... its either you are together or not. not in betweens. why let this guy think he still has you when you guys are broken up ? he knows ull always be around and that's why he's taking advantage of you. it is true you cannot control him but at the end of the day you were his girlfreind. not some random girl. his GIRLFRIEND. if he didn't have respect for you enough to not test the waters with this hoebag then he isn't gonna have respect for you chasing after him. itll be hard, but just leave him a lone for about a month. itll make you stronger. this will make him realize finally what he shouldve realized the moment he broke up with you and that is "OH CRAP. THIS GIRL THAT I LOVE IS OUT OF MY LIFE AND I MISS HER LIKE CRAZY! I NEED HER BACK. I HATE BEING WITHOUT HER. SHE MEANT SO MUCH TO ME" and trust me love, he will EAT HIS WORDS ... and he most likely will come back saying how sorry he is. don't let him backk too quickly though. he needs to earn ur trust back.

    us girls make it too easy for these guys and go chasing after them all the time,

    he says he deosnt want you?

    alright. give him what he wants,

    take yourself out of his life

    and hell realize how much he loves you

    :)

    • Right now uve kinda been hovering over him and staying by his side. unless he has some supernatural powers , he could never forget about a 3.5 year relationship and the person he was in it with ! he says that now because he is mad. you need to go on without him for a while. at first hell feel freed of the fighting and all that stuff, but later hell feel lonely and realize that no one was like you were when you guys were together. all guys make mistakes.. he just needs time away from you to realize how

    • Thanks girl, it helps hearing that so much. I want to hate him and forget about him but it's hard after caring for almost 4 years. But ur so right! I am afraid though things were OK between us but the other night we had a huge fight and he said he never wants to talk to me or see me again and could never be friends with me again and hasn't called or texted me since. So now I'm afraid he really won't feel bad or miss me anymore because of that. What do you think?

What Guys Said 7

  • It's been over for a while - even before you realized it. Time to move on. Good luck.

  • I can completely relate to your story, it runs almost parallel to mine. My boyfriend left 2 months ago under similar circumstances...I found a text message on his phone telling someone else he loved them =( a similar situation happened previously last year and he also promised it wouldn't happen again and things did get better between us.

    At this stage I have to say that we had a very good relationship and he even professes to say he was happy and that we were strong together he can't give me a reason for not loving me any longer and it was a realisation he had, suddenly that he didn't feel for me as he should but he does care for me/us. Very sad and difficult situation. He has completely ruined the life we began and thought we had. I have a son too and a lot of uncertainty as to our situation in the country as I moved from another country to be with him.

    I love him dearly and wish with all my heart he would be back. we still manage to get on when we see each other, and feels strange then when he leaves. I still feel that we could have worked things out if he had only communicated what had been going on for him. I can only try to let him go even though inside I weep a river of tears.

    My heart goes out to you, and hope you find some happiness soon. Like me you have to try to get beyond this and find a peace inside to be able to move on in spite of how hard it seems for you at the moment it will stop hurting eventually.

    • Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you too. I wish you and your child all the best.

  • You mentioned that he lost a lot of weight. I'm guessing you were his first real girlfriend. Not his true first, but the most serious. So this means that for those 3 and a half years you were together, you were living in a world that surrounded you both.

    When he lost weight, he saw himself in a different light. For all these years, he never thought to try talking to someone else, or thought to think outside the relationship. Now, he is doing that. I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like he is simply trying to find more interesting things than what he's been used to all this time. He's confused about this, cause all he really knows is you. This is why he was confused about being with that girl. Cause he's never really had good friends, just you.

    So I'm sorry to say this, but it seems he has grown tired of you and the relationship. And he simply wants to move on. And I think, for your sake, you should do the same thing. It's a horrible thing, that he simply wants to view his life outside of the both of you. But that is basically what he is doing.

  • You weren't controlling it at all! Everything you did was what any girls would do when their boyfriends starts loosing interest and seeing another girl. It's really hard to maintain and keep a close relationship like it sounds you had for that long when you're not married. Even then couple lose interest especially when they've already had the whole spectrum of sex stuff together before they even got married. It not only takes love, but also total trust in each other and total commitment to each other. Unfortunately, he started getting bored with what both of you had together for whatever reason and started having an open eye to other girls. It just so happened that the girl where he worked was just what he was looking for. I assume you guys had sex together and that'd be a big reason in itself because couples not married eventually get tired with that because the excitements dwindles away gradually and what they once found overly attracted to the other doesn't look as attracted anymore. This is the case far more with guys than with girl. Seriously, I don't know what you could have done different because if you had not checked on him he'd probably cheated on even much more. That's the story of mankind. He just happened to be one of those guys that probably hadn't planned on sticking it out with your for keeps. He just decided that the grass looked better on the other side of the fence. You can think all day and more than likely will still never figure this out because you can't read his mind and he's the only one that knows what triggered that. I don't think there's anything you can do now except to let him go. He's gone and I doubt very much that she'll turn out to be anywhere near as good a girlfriend as you were to him. He needed something to blame his roving eye with his coworker on and blaming you for being controlling is bull. He had already started the flirting and missing around. You did what was right, and that was to attempt to protect the relationship with him that you loved so much. Not to do that would have shown you didn't care. This is very unfortunate and I feel sorry for you. He's not worth getting back now, so the sooner you can get over this the better. He broke his trust and he ran around behind your back. A guy like that isn't worth having. Look for something better because you deserve it. You'll soon find out that he's not the only guy in the world that you can love. You may also find a better bargain than him.

  • "and I think that happened but he wasn't looking for a girlfriend just another best friend to replace me. He doesn't have any close friends besides me and always said he was lonely and that this girl was a good friend."

    That's what happens when people object to their partner having any other (opposite sex) friend than themselves, even if the contact is non sexual:

    "I feel like he cheated on me maintaining a relationship he wasn't supposed to with her. "

    Some men accept that women demand that kind of exclusivity, even in non-sexual domain. Others feel they're "pussy whipped" then and react. (I've 'received' that expletive here from some male posters who didn't like my answers. I had to look it up in the Urban Dictionary LOL)

    He did not feel he was cheating and may have resented it as an exaggerated accusation, a lack of confidence (there had been no sex between them at that moment, if I read you right)

    In this case he reacted by running away from you (even more than running to her) but thus choosing between you two.

    Had there been other similar incidents before? He seems to have resented it as unjustified jealousy and if nothing had happened between them at that moment, I can understand his feeling. He really should then have talked about it to you.

    "He also dropped a lot of clues that he left me bcuz I was trying to control him in that earlier situation with her or that he wants to be able to do what he wants."

    It's not really important if you were/are controlling him, his perception of you controlling him is way more important and you seem very well informed concerning his whereabouts. Of course, if that girl had an eye on him she's likely to have fuelled his feeling.

  • You're romantic relationship with this man is over. You're broken up, and this implies certain things. It's none of your business who he sees, now. You can express your unhappiness. You can even have a good cry. But that's about it. If he wants to do this hottie, he's free.

    I bet if you looked back over the end of your relationship, he probably dropped numerous hints that he wanted a little space. An unfortunate lesson a lot of girls learn is that if space isn't given, it's taken.

    Note: while you missed his hints, his new girl didn't. She saw her opportunity, and seized it.

    Your only remote chance with this guy, is to let him go. Wish him well, and walk. This way, he can't accuse you of controlling him, and he can freely make the choice to return.

  • Sounds kinda interesting- I would say that he's not worth it. . .Its better you found out that he was like this now, rather TEN years down the road when you are married and have kids. or something. Guys can be really manipulative sometimes; I would say let him go. . .Thats just me though...From a guys perspective; I think he is immature and a chickensh*t...and possibly a cheater.

    • Thank you for answering my question!

What Girls Said 14

  • omfg! my best friend jessica is going through the exact same thing, I feel so bad for u, and its har dot get over him but when you do ull be happier then ever :)

  • Im so sorry, I hope you are ok.

  • Omg how do you know that them two did that! So now them two are together! That slut! Omg I'm so mad for you! She stole him from you. She is his co worker. She and him became friends in the beggining but she didn't want to seem like she liked him so he wouldn't see her in a bad way. So she started talking to him and getting closer to him telling him personal problems, I don't know just things. And somehow she makes him fall for her but she still keeps her little skeem going as if she doesn't want to hurt your guys relationship together. But at the same time she flirts with him. That gets him confused and makes him want to spend time with her and get to knoe her better. He slowly got attached to her and now he doesn't know what he wants. 3 years is a long time to drop it just like that. Member when you said you asked him to stop talking to her. Well he didn't stop. He kept talking to her because she made him break up with you. That is not kool at all he wants something else but doesn't realize he is hurting you deeply. Their is no way he could love that other girl. I hope you guys have resolved your problems since this was posted almost a month ago. Sorry I'm new to this. I hope I helped somehow. Goodluck!

  • dont worry about it... just because theyre kinda together doesn't mean he doesn't think about you.. even if they get in a relationship it most likely won't last long because hell miss you .. and if they end up being "together forever" then you can be glad that you didn't waste any more time than you did with him and move on . remember, when one door closes, another one opens.. you might not wanna hear that right now, but still you might end up with another person and even be more in love with that person than this guy ur worrying about.. honestly, try to stay calm and not think about him and his every move a lot because itll kill you . most likely hell be back one day.. and remember hell never forget about you and nobody can ever completely fall out of love with someone they shared they lives with for about 4 years.. ulll always be in his heart and maybe one day you won't want to be :) just wait it out. who cares about what theyre doing.. it might mean not much at all ..

  • I understand your problem. Listen if he doesn't want to go out with you anymore, than change your image. Change your hairstyle, put on something that he will regret he didn't break up with you, or cheated on you. Make him what you can't have. If he is going to break up with you than its his lose. If that still doesn't work than go out with someone else that is really hot, but a jerk, find out where he is going on that night and make him jealous. Once he sees you with a jerk he will come over and comfort you and make you feel better. If he says he wants to get back together with you say no, and tell him why then that will make him feel guilty by breaking up with you. If you guys do end up back together make sure he doesn't cheat on you again. So check his emails, calls, messages, work, and anything else you can think of. If he is doing it again break up with him, and go out with a couple of friends and have the time of your life and that will make you forget about him!

  • Let him go, Its over. He is a jerk and a guy that is wish-washy like this is not worth your time. One, he lost a lot of weight and now has a confidence boost so he is going to leave his devoted girl friend High and Dry. Jerk! Two, He most likely has feeling for this other girl and has had them a while and he thought that he could try and cutting off their relationship but when he did that he realized that he really likes her possible loves her and that his feelings for you not only faded but that there are new and exciting feeling for someone else.

    He used you pressuring him as an excuse to end thing. I know its seems like 3.5 years is a lot of time invested to give up but its not. Your young and you really don't have a choice if he is the one holding all the cards. Don't give him any more power or a minute more of your time. There is someone better for you out there, he is not it.

  • You are a control freak and need counselling for your unhelathy obsession. You are a bully and possessive. You are quite a nasty person and good for him that he is getting on with his life without you. Good for him!

    • Lnkweaver2: Calling her a child is not calling her a name it's calling her what she is. A child. And she shouldn't be on this site because she's not giving advice she's slinging mud. There's a difference. And I'm entitled to defend myself from a child who doesn't understand what they're talking about.

    • You are entitled to your opinion. This is mine. Believe it or not, there are people in this world who think and feel differently to you. Your ex left you for a reason and I would feel the same in his shoes. That is all I am saying.

    • Aren't you doing the same thing? Calling her names? Why is it any better when you do it? (and saying "She started it" will not prove your maturity)

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  • That guy's an idiot. Kick him out of your life and pretend he's dead. You don't need someone like that. He was into that lady before the relationship ever ended man. And hell, he'd get mad at you and claim you've got a problem. Screw him. Didn't even want to respect your friendship like that after three years, that guy...he's worth nothing to you.

  • obviously he doesn't love you anymore & just wants to be friends, he likes that other girl now. & you need to stop controlling him. he isn't your puppy dog .

    • Couldnt I juss state my opinion ? I may be a child but, that doesn't mean I can't state my opinions on situations like this.

    • Lnkweaver2, she is a child, and so are you. You aren't even legally considered an adult yet and neither is she, and you won't mentally evolve into an adult until your 20s. You are not helping the situation at all and you need to move on. This is a site for relationship advice not about who's mature or not. I am a 21 year old senior at UCLA you have nothing on me don't even try. You can't even pretend you know what being an adult is.

    • Inkweaver, she is a child, and so are you you're not even legally considered an adult and neither is she. You won't mentally evolve into an adult until your 20s. Get off this site, you are not helping anything. What are you really trying to accomplish here? Move on. This is a site for relationship advice not on who's mature or not.

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  • just because a guy looks good doesn't mean his personality is good

    if he's that two faced, it's better to be free froma guy like that

    in the long run, a relationship with a guy who's that shallow isn't going to last anyway

    when he's all old and ugly, I wonder what he'll do

  • When someone falls out of love with you, there is no amount of counseling that can get that back. Counseling is for people that are still in love but are not getting along. The weight loss and other changes are the type of thing that happens when people are unhappy or fall out of love and are opening themselves up to meet someone new. It happens all the time. We had a friend of the family who had been married to his High School sweetheart for 20 years. He dressed the same way all that time. Well all of a sudden he started changing the way he looked, dressing better and just overall having a different attitude. Come to find out he was having an affair and he ended up leaving his wife. I personally think that some, not all, cases of someone suddenly improving their appearance could be a sign that you should revisit your romance and see if you need to tune it up.

  • who says"they never leave unless there is someone else." ? that isn't true at all. To be honest, your boyfriend was a half hour late and you went driving around looking for him? It sounds like you were a bit controlling. You need to realize that people are going to do what they want, even if its behind your back. Guys get nervous when girls get overbearing. Let him free.

  • If he doesn't care about your feelings anymore, it means that he's not interested in you any longer. Next time, find a guy who really care about you. Also, look at his actions not talk only. At least he's being honest with you. We also can't make people love us because we can't control their actions, we can only control ours. If they don't love us then forget it and find someone who does. I know it's hard but someone who cheats or lie is really not a good quality.

  • Something similar happened to me a few years ago. My boyfriend and I had been dating for several months then out of nowhere he said he didn't love me or want to be with me. I later found out that he had a thing for one of his coworkers. He went to work after breaking up with me and started talking to that girl. He, like your ex, told his coworker about all of our relationship problems. She baby talked him and told him everything would be ok. He then asked her out. She told him that he needed to wait for a little while since he just got out of a relationship. HE wanted to try to make ours work again. We tried again for a few months, but it wasn't the same. He was lethargic and wasn't interested in me. All he thought about was that other girl. I finally ended it--for good! The way I see it is it's his loss.

    I know its going to be hard, but put on a smile and move on. I'm sure he'll realize what's he's done in a few days/weeks and try to come back.

    • Leave him alone, ths is a growing experience for you

    • Ok ur not controlling you have every right to ask him not to communicate with this women out side of work that was ur right as his girlfreind of 3.5 years!!!!

      it's always been thought that men and women can't be friends well that's bollocks most of my friends are men now my partner asked me if I had a problem with him having a woman as his best friend and I don't as I trust him 100% ur ex is a looser he walked away from you and he will regreat it but you need to move on

      good luck.

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