My boyfriend is unemployed, and I want to break up with him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend just graduated from college a year ago, travelled the world, and is now looking for a job. I feel like he isn't actively pursuing a job, and instead just hanging out with his friends and getting high all the time. He says he's making an effort and just hasn't found anything that works for him (he got a few job offers, but the distance was too far).

I'm just worried that I'm going to end up dating one of those guys who's unemployed and still lives with his parents when he's 30. It's honestly starting to freak me out to the point where I'm having a hard time feeling positive about the relationship and even backing off a bit. I wish he would at least share where he's at with the job search, and even let me help. But he seems determined to do it on his own, but to what cost? How long does he plan on just 'waiting' for the perfect job to appear?

I'm tempted to break up with him before I get too invested, otherwise I'll have more to lose in this relationship financially than he ever will. Am I being too harsh or insensitive? Please give me some tips on how to help him! He has a lot of potential, but I think he needs to actually put in the effort to actually realize that potential. I can't be his saviour, and I don't want to be ~ I want to be in a relationship with a MAN who takes charge, and leads the way. Him having a job makes a huge difference in this regard for me, not in terms of how much of a man he is, but in terms of reflecting on his qualities and our chances of lasting in the future (maybe even marriage). This is definitely affecting his own self-confidence, and sense of security. The last thing I want to do is break him down, but why should I let his lack of success affect me negatively?

Sorry if I seem heartless, but I'm just trying to figure out what's the most productive and effective action to take? The last thing I want to be is a security blanket for a guy who really just needs a push

Updates

+1 y

So I brought up the conversation of his lack of a job last night, and my boyfriend and I talked quite seriously. The poor guy started crying towards the end because he was really stressed out from not being able to find a suitable job. He claims he's applied everywhere! I feel like breaking up with him right now would be the most heartless thing to do... but at the same time, is it fair for me to wonder if I'm being emotionally manipulated? He strikes me as very genuine, but I don't know...

Updates

+1 y

The issue has been resolved! Thank you for your responses.

[BearsAnswers]

It's not heartless. For a lot of women, a major element in what they are looking for in a relationship is that sense that their partner will be a good provider. That can be a deal-breaker. And that doesn't have to mean that they make a ton of money, just that they have the type of personality that will at least make an effort.

A lot of lazy guys try to hide their laziness behind 'waiting for the perfect job'. The longer it goes, the harder it actually gets. If you are the type of woman that cares about a provider, then this guy's behaviour is going to be huge problem. A guy without a job should never be spending his time getting high. That's completely counter-productive and shows a huge lack of responsibility. If you have a job, then sure, use it to unwind. And buy it with the money you make from your job. With no job there are more important things to spend money on.

This is the type of guy who will be 'holding out for a management position' even if they don't have the skills or experience to be a manager. The type of guy that just wants to cruise. If their partner is super laid back and doesn't really care about the future, then that can work just fine. You, on the other hand, sound like you DO care about the future. And so a guy that lacks the drive and responsibility to secure their future is going to be a constant source of stress for you. It will constantly be draining your emotional reserves, which is not how a partnership is supposed to work. And not how one CAN work, long-term. That is a sign of long-term incompatibility issues.

Basically... he has the right to just... sit around and get high. But you have the right to expect a partner actually takes action and acts responsibly. But those are incompatible desires. Someone is always going to feel like they are compromising how they are as a person.

[Asker]

Thanks for the thorough advice! I can definitely agree with all you have written, especially the management line. He's applied to a lot of positions, but he seems unwilling to go the distance. He gets quiet whenever he states what he thinks is a valid reason to keep waiting, and I provide him a solution that actually works. I've only been dating him for a month and half and really do believe he could be the right guy if he gets a job and stops getting high all the time, do you think it's worth it to stick around? Or should I end things and move on with my life? I'm willing to help him, and work with him through whatever it is he is dealing with, but I'm not going to sacrifices my own potential or goals for anyone.

[BearsAnswers]

To be honest, I think that it is NOT worth sticking around. Those are really incompatible personality types. He is totally within his rights to just want to sit around and get high. But you are within your rights to not want to deal with that. A 'go-getter' and a 'slacker' are always going to be at odds, even if they have other things in common. That's just such a fundamental part of the mentality that it permeates all sorts of other interactions over time.

If you try to help him, it'll just come across as controlling or mothering. And it will piss him off. If you don't do anything and he just sits around waiting for money to fall from heaven, then it will piss YOU off. No matter how this plays out, one of you is always going to be getting pissed off at the other.

It's only been 6 weeks and this kind of stuff is popping up. That's a terrible sign for long-term viability, and an excellent sign that there is compatibility issues. Irreconcilable ones.

[MrExplorer]

I don't think you are being too harsh at all. If the two of you plan to have a future , he needs to step it up. He may never find the "perfect" job. I worked a lot of "shit jobs" out of necessity when I was younger simply because I wanted to be independent and not wait for things to be handed to me. I would let him know precisely where you stand. If he is a big boy he should be able to take some constructive criticism. Seems a lot of younger guys don't understand the concept of "working your way up the ladder". You gotta start somewhere.

[Asker]

Thank you for the advice! He's worked plenty of student jobs, but since coming back from his trip I feel like he's been in permanent vacation mode. Plus his family is comfortable enough that his parents' aren't pushing him to hurry into a job either. I just hope I'm not being too pushy on him, maybe if his parents' are okay with it then maybe I should be too for a few more months? Either way, I still have another 3 years of university to go but I'm already much more independent than him (I work extremely hard - have my own place (rent), pay for my own tuition, and my own living expenses ~ am completely financially independent from my parents'). Is it too much to expect him to be making the same effort? I feel like his circumstances have made him complacent... how can I encourage him to make an effort? or to challenge himself?

[MrExplorer]

Basically, I would flat out tell him that if he expects to have a meaningful relationship with you that he is going to have to end the vacation and learn to be a provider. Tell him it's time to "man up".

[Darkfairie17]

If the job search is causing him anxiety (which I can totally understand), perhaps he just needs some help and direction?

Maybe have a talk with him about how you can help. Try to make the conversation as positive and light as you can. Don't nag him or bring up negative stuff. I could be that he is really trying to find a job, but isn't having much luck.

Now, I know that finding a job can be very tough and make a person feel anxious. I definitely can see where that comes from. I would feel bad for him, but the reality is he needs to find a job. Perhaps he needs to be less picky and take something less ideal for the time being?

Also, if he just recently graduated from school, maybe he needs to look into what resources are available to him? I lost my job in the summer, and when I did I was able to find a few resources in my community. One of them was a place where I could take workshops on how to do a good job search, what educational programs were available to me, they even had job coaches and even had workshops on doing interviews. Perhaps he just needs some help and direction? I know when I did those workshops it made me feel a lot better, I felt as if I had more control over my job search.

Maybe if you two sit down and you help him plan out a job search strategy it might help ease some of his anxieties.

I find sometimes sitting down and making a plan with someone helps to ease the burden. It makes me feel like I have someone in my corner. Try to be as loving and supportive as you can.

He won't be out of a job forever.

If you can help him search for some resources and get him some help, maybe it will turn his situation around?

[LyssaNicole]

Maybe look at it like this: you both seek to have different values and goals. If you guys want different lifestyles/major choices it's not going to work out between you two so you should end the relationship

[BertMacklinFBI]

if he's serious about the relationship and you explain to him what you just stated here, then he will take 1 of those job offers, regardless of it being the perfect job, he will take it for now and start earning something while he can still pursue his dream job on the side. people who drift are so annoying and I always doubt them. they always anticipate hope and never act on shit, like as if they're waiting for the perfect opportunity to just pop out in front of them and say "grab me!"

[Asker]

I feel the same way, I told him that it was better to have to commute for two hours and have job rather than doing nothing. Because he would at least be building his resumé while working there. He could even be looking for other jobs while working there, and hopefully land something bigger and better and more to his liking! But he just got quiet, and complained that he doesn't have car. To which I responded, ask your parents for a "starting loan" to help kick him off (which they're more than capable of providing, and even willing to do!). But he's not willing to do that... I'm at a loss for words in regards as to how I can help him further.

[BertMacklinFBI]

trying and doing something is always better than doing nothing, he is missing out on many potential opportunities that could be. he's being a lazy bum.

[BertMacklinFBI]

its like he just wants summer all to himself.

[Klaatu51]

if U have a job and get paid... y do u care? it's his life... u don't depend on his money... no?

[Asker]

That's true, but if he wants to be in my life then he needs to shape and get his shit together.

[Klaatu51]

guess u r shy 4 him then, and u don't want 2 introduce him 2 others if he's unemployed basically... correct?

[Asker]

Shy for him? (sorry I don't know what that means :S) but yeah, I've kind of pulled back from introducing him to my friends, at least until he gets his life together.

[Sexualchrist]

Yeah, what a bum loser. Break up with him and get a real man who has loads of money and a fancy car

[Socialrealist]

So you're not genuinely interested in him as a person. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Business is business. You need to let his ass go!

[Asker]

Thanks, I really wish it was as easy as that.