He took back his proposal after I asked for a ring?

[Thebeck]

So my boyfriend and I have been together about one year. Both of us were pretty down and lonely when we met each other. Anyway, he asked me to marry him about 2 weeks ago and he didn't have a ring. At first I thought he was going to buy one later so I didn't question it. But after a day or two I asked him when will I get my ring and he said he wasn't going to buy a ring. That we didn't need it and should save the money for our house. (We live with some roommates in a big house.) Well, we got into an argument and at the end of it, he told me the weddings off and he moved out of the house the next day and is staying with one of his friends and refuses to talk to me. Why the hell did he over react? I admit that me wanting a ring is stupid but I still want one. It doesn’t have to be a 2000 dollar ring or something.

1. Why did he overreact?
2. How do I get him to come back and marry me?

Updates

+1 y

We're back together! So no more need for opinions.

[Goodgirl1]

There is no doubt in my mind that he over-reacted. He is also hurt and feels your perfectly reasonable request for a ring questions his ability to provide. And that may very well be the issue here. If he can afford it, would he be so pissed off? Probably not! But should that cause him to storm out? No! There is a fragile Ego (his) at play here and that is a recipe for disaster for any relationship least of all marriage. Someone needs to grow up first before they get into marriage! So if down the line his child is unruly or challenges him he is going to throw his hands up in the air and resign from being a Dad? He needs to grow up. You did nothing wrong by asking about the ring, honestly, he shouldn't have put you in the situation where you had to ask for the ring at all. A nice ring that does not break the bank would have sufficed! Would he marry you and exchange vows at the wedding without the ring. How did he chose to decide that you need the money for the house and you don't get to be part of that decision-making process? Afterall it is your house/home as well. I think it may be best to speak with him face to face and perhaps get someone he respects involved in your discussion to call a truce. If he refuses, may be he is doing you a favour and you have just dodged a bullet.

[gray_sailor]

You misunderstood the particulars of this question. The wedding rings (his and hers bands) had already been provided for. What the asker was wanting was an engagement ring to wear prior to the wedding.

Her boyfriend thought that given their meager financial circumstances, saving for a house was frugal but buying an engagement ring was extravagant.

They are back together now and that is good.

It would have gone better for her at the beginning if she had suggested the affordable ring mentioned by one of the responding guys.

Just demanding a ring without specifics suggests that the value of the ring was important. Guys would assume that a ring that is demanded for must cost thousands of dollars because who would torpedo a relationship over a $16.95 ring?

[xHoneyxBeex]

Honestly, I think you're the one who overreacted. A ring is more important to you than saving money to buy a HOUSE with the man you are going to marry? In my opinion, he was thinking logically and rationally. If he doesn't have a lot of money already saved up, it makes sense to save for an actual home for you to live in after marriage rather than paying hundreds of dollars for a ring.

He probably feels that you are more concerned with jewelry instead than thinking about a future with him. Look at the situation from his perspective, your actions probably hurt his feelings. I understand wanting a ring, I really do, it's a traditional thing and I'm a traditional girl. But sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and put yourself in someone elses shoes. Think about how your words/actions may have made him feel.

I think you can work it out though if you try to talk to him from a place of understanding and compassion. Just be mature about it and hopefully you will be able to come to some sort of compromise or figure out some other solution.

[Anonymous]

To begin with, I know everyone is going to be telling you you overreacted and stuff like that, but let's be real, you guys got into an argument. I know your upset for not getting the ring, but he was thinking about your future. He may have been watching shows and movies where when the partner isn't wearing their ring a whole bunch of drama happens. I am a bit shocked that he left and I'm not surprised he called off the wedding I think he just needs time to clear his mind. He just wanted to be a somewhat bigger person instead of arguing. He was clearly hurt and I think he might realize how much the ring meant to you. I would back off for the next few days then try to approach him with an apology, but make sure not to stay on your argument as the topic or else it might stir up another fight.

[Anonymous]

Saw the MHO, and you should listen to the guy because unlike the other attempts here, his actually hit the mark.
You made him feel incapable to fulfill the role he likely thought he would have in the future when you married. I am not saying that men have to be the sole providers or even the main providers, but being unable to provide makes us feel insufficient and making a life-long commitment (even when you love someone) that you feel you can not live up to, is heartwrenching.

Now I understand your side too. It isn't just some shiny bauble but a small acknowledged little token that shows you and the entire world that you are his.
And you wanting it is something that should make him smile. If he could see it your way.

And maybe in time he will see the same thing. But as of right now all he sees is likely you telling him that he would make a useless partner, husband and father.
MHO already gave you good advise so I will skip that in detail. Let him know you want him. That you realize what you did wrong. That you know he will be great at it and... Quite frankly you probably know how to reassure your man better than I do.

I realize this was not a pleasant read, but I felt I had to emphasize which answer is actually (most likely) correct.

[Anpu23]

You do understand that you hurt his feelings, right? That you, in essence, questioned his ability to provide? What you were saying (in guy speak) I need the expensive token to prove your love, and when he said "I was hoping to save for a house, he heard "well that's just not enough." remember this is tied to his feeling as a provider, and his feelings of worthiness in the relationship. Guys react to emotions by acting, not talking, we are literally wired that way. So him moving out, was him showing how badly you hurt him. When girls wonder how guys show their emotions, this is the way. How do you get him back, you need to, first off recognize what he is feeling and apologize. Yes you can probably work this out, assuming that this is an isolated incident (no other money and wage arguments), if, on the other hand this is part of a pattern, this might be the end.

[gray_sailor]

Best answer right here.
The other guys that have replied so far are talking out their collective asses.

MHO worthy. I don't need to write my own reply.

[Anpu23]

@gray_sailor Thank you.

[gray_sailor]

Older dudes and the girls get it. The young dudes are out to lunch on this. Glad you gave the asker good info. This situation is salvageable but only if she understands the gravity of her mistake.

[Thebeck]

We never had money problems before. A house is pretty expensive and I get that. But I'm not asking for the biggest ring or anything. I'm sorry but I just don't understand this.

[Anpu23]

The whole point is that you do not. He sees it as a criticism of his ability to provide. This is about how he feels, not what you have said. This is internal dialog on his part, not anything that you have done, but his perception of what you have said.

[Thebeck]

So how do I fix it?

[Anpu23]

First, understand why he feels the way he does. Your request isn't unreasonable, and I am sure that you also feel that your the wronged party here. So start by saying that the two of you are a team, that as a couple, you are in this together and you don't want him to go at it alone. Recognize and validate his feelings, and start an open and honest dialog about his needs and hopes for the future (the house is tied directly to those desires and feelings). Next let him know that you support him in that, that you understand that the need for stability is important, and that you are as excited about your future together as he is. Let it develop from there. As to how to get to him, just put it out there that you are ready to apologize, and let him come to you.

[Lioness]

Maybe she bruised his ego, but so what? That is going to happen in relationships, and if he can't get over it then shows he's insecure. You think it's ok for him to move out of the place they live in together? That sounds rational and productive? The man needs to find his balls, insert into place and crawl over to her and beg for forgiveness. He fucked up.

[Anpu23]

@Lioness No she F'd up. and yes, he can and will end this if she doesn't fix it. It's not an ego thing, as much as an attack on his ability to be a husband and provider. Remember a guy goes into marriage with this whole set of personal expectations, and if he doesn't feel that he can meet those, he won't do it. And if she doesn't understand that, then maybe this thing might actually be a mistake.

[Lioness]

I understand what you are saying, but the biggest issue I have with this is him leaving. That was an irrational and impulsive move on his part. Leaving for an hour to calm down whatever is one thing, but moving out? Over this? Wtf she just wants what 99%women want. Would it be ok if she said only sex on Holidays and special occasions when married? If he is going into the expectation of regular sex? That is an expectation as well. Point is it was a misunderstanding and he overreacted. That is not how you handle arguments.

[Anpu23]

@Lioness Perhaps, but the expectation of a relationship is just as valid and binding as the expectation for sex. Honestly it sounds like he ended the relationship, and she's working to get him back. Is it unreasonable for him to end a relationship over money? Most people would certainly not think so, and that's how he sees it. He left her, and stopped contact, that's the end as far as he is concerned. This isn't him going and pouting, this is him walking away from the situation, and the relationship. This was goodbye.

[Anpu23]

Don't be mad @Lioness she's also trying to understand. This is one of those situations that many girls (and many guys for that matter) just don't seem to understand. So for her to try and work through it as well, is fare, I will help where I can, and if she can learn as well then that's good too.

[Lioness]

That's what I don't understand though... it's not like she cheated or spent $1,000's of dollars on gambling, or anything like that. There has to be more then just this. Do you think he was already on the way out and by proposing was a last ditch effort to the relationship?

[Lioness]

I apologize, I shouldn't have called him that. I think he shouldn't have moved out and it upsets me most everyone condones this type of behavior.

[Anpu23]

@Lioness No I think she triggered his feelings of not being ready for the marriage. And he bolted over his fear of the commitment.

[Lioness]

So then it wasn't about the ring or her bruising his ego so much? In essence things played out the way they were going to eventually? So the 'ring' was the convenient excuse to get out while he still could?

[Anpu23]

@Lioness No, I don't think he was ready to bolt, as much as he was getting cold feet. He wouldn't have left and I don't think that it was destined to fail. I think it was more, "oh my GAWD what have I gotten myself int?" and he was worried about where things would be, he just took on a bunch of extra responsibilities. He would've settled eventually, but this just triggered his growing fears.

[Lioness]

Ok, but then realistically anything could have set him off, as weddings/marriage is very stressful so my point is I guess he would have bolted only a matter of time?

[Anpu23]

@Lioness No, I think he would've calmed down. I still think that he might.

[Thebeck]

But he's been talking about marriage since our early teens. Family, wife and all. I don't see how he can get cold feet when he's the one who proposed without me ever asking or hinting for marriage. That and I just checked the place we are supposed to get married at and he hasn't canceled anything. So that's a good sign, right?

[Anpu23]

It is, you're probably going to be fine here.

[Thebeck]

But what should I do now? Back off? keep trying to call and visit him?

[Anpu23]

let him know that you want to apologize and let him go to you. If you keep pushing it'll just keep hitting that wall. If you have a mutual friend that might be the best way, as they could mediate it for you.

[Thebeck]

But what about the ring? I know the marriage to my man is more important but I just want something from HIM. Something just for me.

[Anpu23]

get through this, and then perhaps talk about it. But if you go in with the ring in mind this rel;relationship will end.

[Thebeck]

I guess you're right. He comes first. maybe I'll get a ring from a coin toy machine and tell him to give me that. Or would you think he would get mad again? Never mind, I'll just forget about the ring for now. Wish me luck and I hope I won't be back on here.

[Anpu23]

good luck, then.

[M_A_X]

This is an accurate and mature answer. I can only hope to be able to reach this level of understanding someday. Good on you, @Anpu23

[Anpu23]

@M_A_X Thank you

[Alaina77]

That is a relly good explanation! I am sorry that that jappened to you too!😔

[Jania14]

Honestly, my husband and I dont see this as a money thing. But think that he though that she had different values than she does. That she was not materialistic and could wait awhile for that ring. Maybe he was even waiting to surprise her and at the end was like.. "who the hell am I marrying." Then again, we dont know their relationship nor duration nor them.

[Dave20154]

To young to get married anyway

[Marttinez]

@Jania14 I agree with you as well with @Anpu23 . we also have to keep in mind how young he is and that marriage is a scary thing. if he freaked out now because he's having second thoughts, better now than later. there is no need to rush anything..

[Anpu23]

Thanks for MHO, and congratulations on things working out for the two of you.

[Thebeck]

Thanks. you and... some, of the others were a big help.

[AbraCadaverus]

@gray_sailor Ditto.

[AmandaYVR]

Anpu, you guided her through that like a true mentor. You're very good at this. What an asset to the site, with wisdom and compassion like that.

[RasmusAiken]

Stick to your guns, girl. He'll return when he realizes what he's lost.

Setting a wedding date and having a ring are essential to being engaged. If one of these essentials is missing then you aren't seriously engaged - you're pretending.

You need a date because there has to be a deadline. Otherwise you're stringing one-another along rather than working together toward a goal.

You don't need any ring that costs big bucks but you need to wear a recognizable symbol that means you're spoken for. It's important for you. It should be important to him.

[Thebeck]

I told him that I wanted a ring and that it was to show that I'm married but he just told me that's what the wedding bands are for. And he did have a date set. He knows I don't want a big wedding or party or anything. So he already had everything planned from what I told him a long time ago.

[Lioness]

He sounds controlling... he decides to marry you, he decides no ring, he decides the date... he has it all planned out. I dunno I get red flags about this guy...

[Thebeck]

@Lioness Not controlling at all.

[RasmusAiken]

@Lioness Yeah. This ring is exactly $16.99 and free shipping on eBay. It's what I'm talking about. This guy is whacked out or something.
i.ebayimg.com/images/g/RqUAAOSwaNBUbOOA/s-l300.jpg

[Lioness]

Yeah that's nice! I was engaged at 20 as well (OP) and received a cheap ring from the Commissary that came in the mail lol. I loved it though because it was symbolic of my future hubby's love. Something not right about this guy.

[MissMcK]

this ring is sooo pretty!!! thats what i want mine to look like

[Punkin45]

You're letting him off way too easy. I made the same mistake, and my ex never took me seriously. He should want to put a ring on your finger to prove that you're his and let other guys know you're taken. Plus, his extreme reaction shows that he's not ready to get married. He's not emotionally mature enough to think like a rational adult.

Yes, I understand that his feelings were hurt. However the whole point of a ring is to prove that he is a good provider.

If I were you I would just let him go. Ignore him for awhile. Let him calm down and think about things. Eventually he may come back and want to talk to you again, and then you can work it out, but in no way should you try to win him back or try to get him to "re-engage" you.

I speak from deep, bitter experience that you are much better off without someone immature and emotionally oversensitive like that. I made so many excuses for my ex and he just could never "get it." He didn't know how to be secure in himself.

[craftypumpkin]

materialist things like a ring does not matter. he probably is done with you for how shallow you are. he wanted to give you a place to make it a home for the both of you as a family. that is more thoughtful than a piece of jewelry. I'm sorry you fucked up.

[RasmusAiken]

I gotta disagree. This is not just another piece of jewelry. A guy that commits to his girl should want the world to know that she's his. She deserves to wear a symbol that she is spoken for and in turn has committed to her guy. The ring is a symbol for all the world to see that he & she have made a promise. A CZ fake diamond will serve this purpose just fine.

[Thebeck]

@RasmusAiken I told him the same thing but then he just said that's what the wedding bands are for.

[Lioness]

When you announce your engagement, what is the first thing people ask? "Let me see the ring!" It doesn't matter the cost, it's the symbol and tradition. It's all part of the excitement, and it has nothing to do with getting a home if you don't spend a lot. Maybe his ego is bruised, but he sounds like he could have a short fuse or just irrational.

[Thebeck]

@Lioness He does get mad easily but he usually forgets the whole thing after 5 or 10 minutes. this time it's been days.

[Lioness]

Oh, I see from your other comments it's been days? Well maybe take him to dinner or something? Take him on a "date" something he would really like... you pay and show the effort and if he still wants to be a little bitch, then consider he did u a favor in the long run. Sorry for calling him a little bitch, but really that is very immature and inconsiderate behavior from him.

[Thebeck]

@Lioness Just no. So maturity is just accepting everything? Always giving in and forgiving? I still want my ring but there is no way in hell that he's immature.

[Lioness]

Riiiight because moving out is the mature thing to do when one has an argument. ok.

[Anonymous]

1. I think he might have felt really guilty and insecure about not getting you a ring because maybe he feels he can't pay for it and thinks you want a nice 4000 dollar ring. Or maybe he just realized he's getting scared about marriage. Proposing kind of puts it into perspective.

2. Go to his friends house, find him, talk to him and explain to him that you don't care if it's a $10 ring but that you still love him and want to be with him and if he wants, you both can wait to get married if he feels that way so that you can work things out.

[JuicyBrain]

-Will you marry me? I think you are the right girl for me.
-Yes I will marry you ! Where is my ring? My prrrrrecious ring?
-I thought it would be more responsible to put the money on a house instead of wasting it on a useless piece of rock. Don't you think the same?
-NO I WANT MY RING AND I WANT IT NOW ! I don't care for the rest, I need my prrrrrecious ring !
-Nevermind, you are not the girl I thought you were. Forget I asked...

[Alaina77]

Lol. But its not funny to make fun of a situation like this due. Go make fun of me if you want to. But not her! K?😡😤❔❓

[JuicyBrain]

@Alaina77 it's not just humor. It's how he sees it. It is meant to make her understand what happened in his head

[Alaina77]

Ok. Sorry 'bout that

[meatballs21]

As per @anpu and @graysailor, he declared his love for you and intention to make a HOME for the two of you, and you threw it in his face wanting a small lump of metal with an even smaller lump of carbon on it. What's even better is that you accepted this offer and only changed your tune when it became obvious that the aforementioned bauble was not forthcoming.

"I admit that me wanting a ring is stupid but I still want one."

And you've learned nothing from this experience, either.

[Thebeck]

Everyone wants something stupid in their lives. Its just something I've always pictured and wanted since I was in my early teens. I don't care about the size or how cheap it is. I just want my one and only to give me something that he will only ever give me.

[CoolSky01]

A ring is essential the only other guy i know who had the same attitude as her boyfriend is in his 40s and not married

[meatballs21]

Here we go then, one ring:

i194.photobucket.com/.../...gement_zps13d92c10.jpg

[Jania14]

@CoolSky01 My husband does as well, and he is 23 and, apparently, married.

[CoolSky01]

@Jania14 cheap people find other cheap people and sometimes it works

[NedfromtheNed]

He didn't overreact. If anything, you were coming off kind of spoiled.

Does it really matter who is right and who is wrong. Will you let your pride get in the way of your relationship? If you truly love that man, you should be willing to be blamed for every damn thing thats ever gone wrong in the relationship. And it shouldn't matter because all you want to do is to repair his hurt feelings.
Welcome to an adult relationship. Running away not an option. Tough decisions required.

[MissMcK]

He probably thinks you're being a brat and that you don't appreciate him/love him or his proposal. Or that the problem is that you expect a ring. Communication is key. Maybe YOU could buy the rings? Or wait until you are settled together:) Personally I would be mad at my boyfriend for his reaction. Do you really want to marry someone who can walk away from you so easily?

[Thebeck]

Yeah, I still want to marry him. Like I said, we found and helped each other when we were pretty low in life. Even if we were/are young.

[RasmusAiken]

I think @MissMcK has hit upon the real problem. @Thebeck is interested primarily in the symbolism not the material value of a ring. This guy heard "you gotta spend big bucks if you want me to marry you." when that's not what she's saying. She just wants a symbol to show the world that they are promised to each other.

[Lioness]

Wow, that seems a bit extreme behavior from him... how old is he? I don't think he is mature enough for marriage. Yes a ring is important because it is a symbol of intention and tradition, but that is something that should have been discussed rather then him assuming you rather have a fancy ring then a house... a bit much. I would rethink the whole getting married until much, much later... otherwise you may be divorcing by 30 with little kids :/

[Thebeck]

He's 21. And we're both ready in my opinion. We want nothing more than to get married and have a family. And he doesn't believe in divorce. He said the only thing he can't forgive is cheating.

[Lioness]

Well I think emotions are pretty high right now so just let him calm down and come to you. Hopefully you can explain to him that it was a misunderstanding and it's important to you to have that symbol, but doesn't need to be expensive. Best of luck :)

[Thebeck]

Waiting huh? I feel like I've done plenty of that. Thank you though.

[Indigocloud]

Preferring a house to start a family in over a piece of metal? Yeah not mature at all

[orphanedmind]

Likely he realized you didn't have shared priorities. His goal is 'physical security' first (house), your goal is 'emotional security' first (ring). He is probably second guessing whether he can deal this mismatch of priorities once the relationship is well-established after marriage.

[KDA20]

I feel there has been a miscommunication here - Speak to him and repeat what you told us "It doesn't have to be a big expensive ring but just a thoughtful symbol of your love that doesn't cost the earth" - He probably thinks you want a shiny diamond and is worried about the money or the way you think

[SarahsSummer]

You hurt his feelings and gave him the idea that a ring is more important than the man of the relationship. I would apologize and just tell him he's more important and tell him you don't care if it's a ring out of a cereal box but you just want him and your future together.

[Jania14]

1. There could be many reasons. One could be that he realized your true colors/who he was marrying and did not like it. Another could be that he got anxious after proposing and any little thing would make him 2nd guess his decision. etc. etc.
2. You can work things our with him. You should know how to do that. This does not mean that he will jump back on the marriage wagon.

[CoolSky01]

if he can't get a rin he sure as hell can't marry you stick to your opinions and dont take no for an aswer, this has been going on for ages and he is not gonna change it suddenly cause he has better things to do , if you can't buy a ring you are not ready to get married

[mutedaisy]

A $200 dollar v. s. a $100k house isn't much. He can afford a cheap ring.

[AleDeEurope]

Well, it seems that you both don't have much money, so I think it's better to safe that money for something more important like a house, than for a ring that's gonna end up replaced in the wedding.

[Alaina77]

True and you could use a family airloom or something like that

[Pyrofox]

He could be fussing over the pricing I'd just be pacient and not add to the pressure of trying to find a ring. Just be the normal pleasant you and give him the pleasure of catching you off guard xD.

[AhGojira]

He didn't over react. You want a ring/money over love. That's an easy decision...

[timbergag]

Indeed. The ring is only a symbol. You're missing out on the real thing, just because you insisted on having the symbol?

[Jania14]

@timbergag Women...

[OrdinaryGentleman]

1. Why did he overreact? He didn't, you did.
2. How do I get him to come back and marry me? You wait, you can't force anyone to marry you lol that's just not how marriage works.

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

the dude was pretty smooth. that sounded like he set that up from the beginning.

[Thebeck]

How is that?

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

step 1- propose
step 2- figure out if you actually about dat life while knowing he isn't
step 3- say he doesn't have said ring
step 4- waits for you to keep asking about said ring
step 5- get into fight... probably about said ring
step 6- break up with yo ass!

it's a bit of a stretch, but i like a good conspiracy theory.

[Thebeck]

I highly doubt that. He's been talking about wanting a family and wife ever since we were in our early teens.

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

awwwe. i wanted some kinda convoluted plan. i still think he realized as soon as he said it, he ain't really about dat life.

[Lioness]

Interesting... yes OP, how did he propose? was their considerable thought to it? Or just, hey why not let's do this! It's all about intention and actions.

[Lioness]

*there

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

media.makeameme.org/created/it-was-at-8q8pgt.jpg

filler

[gaaxure]

There had to be some pretty terrible things said between "We don't need a ring" and "Fuck you and your marriage, I'm moving out". And the answer to your question is somewhere in those things.