If I try leave or say anything she threatens to kill herself.

I have been seeing this girl for two years now,she moved in with me 8 months ago, we do everything people in a relationship would, she doesn't work, I pay for all her needs, she is in love with another guy who picks her up every so often at 12:00 at night. Takes her to a hotel and brings her back, he never buys her anything or never sees her during the day, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and she wants things with this other guy to work out, this other guy is clearly using her, She has dated other guys in between as well to try move on ,when we go out she sometimes goes home with other guys even if I beg her not to,she tells me that I mustn't tell her what to do. I'm not her boyfriend, But never me, if I try leave or say anything she threatens to kill herself, and she tells me if I move on that she will kill me, cause she loves me so much,I feel so helpless and confused, I still love her a lot and I don't want her to get hurt, I just wish I knew what to do, Please any advise will help thanks


Most Helpful Girl

  • How can you love someone who so obviously abuses you and shows no concern whatsoever for you? You are in a sick situation, and you need to move apart from her. She probably will take some pills or cut herself just to "show you" she was serious. Let her be serious. This is a bad situation. Even if she does kill herself, its not your fault. How could you possible take responsiblity for a suicide? Furthermore you yourself are a bad influence on her. You enable her hurtful lifestyle. She needs to get a job and go to work. Earning some money, and succeeding in something will help her self esteem. And the only reason she is letting herself be used by that evening pick-up guy is because her self-esteem is zero. She is abusing you by keeping you trapped in a hurtulf relationship with threats of suicide. She has to learn she can't treat people that way. The only reason I can think of that you 're still living with her and handing her your paycheck is that your own self esteem must be zero. I know, by the very fact that you're a livinig soul, that you deserve better than this abuse (even from someone you "love"). You are worth more than this. You need to discover your self worth. The best way I know to establish self-worth is through the Christian teaching that you are made in God's image, and when God values you your value is HUGE. If you're not religous than I guess get some coucelling, or read a self-help book. You need to also evaluate your true feelings. Do you really "love" someone who can abuse you so heartlessly? Or are you infatuated. Or you simply so afraid of being alone, and so sure that you won't be able to find someone besides her that you convince yourself that you want her? I can tell you this, if you break from her you'll have energy, money, and time to devote to meeting another girl. Hopefully one who will love you through her actions.

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What Girls Said 41

  • She is 100% taking advantage of you. She is responsible for her actions, not you, and she is using you. It's awful she does not work and she sees other guys. OMG, tell her you wish her the best but you have to move on with your life. Good luck!

  • She is using your generosity. I really don't think she will kill herself. It is something people say when they don't know how to deal with things, but hardly ever do they mean it. The best thing to do is stop taking care of her if there is never a chance with her. I mean, she knows she's hurting you by going off with another guy. What kind of girl that cares about you would do that? She's taking complete advantage of you.

    The best thing I would suggest to do is leave her. Contact the police and tell them that she's threatened to kill you and herself. They will check on her, probably scare the sh!t out of her, and set her straight... but you can't be her pawn for the rest of your life.

    She's not worth all the trouble and money. And she won't kill herself. Saying that is her last resort to keeping you around to support her. Sometimes, people are just crazy. And it sounds like you are a really nice, caring guy... so you deserve to find somebody who is going to appreciate that and return the favor.

  • I agree with all other answers ..

    obviously she has BPD, I knew few girls who have the same problem who actually are exactllly like your gf. one of them was my ex best friend, she turned my life into hell.

    she needs help big time, this is what you need to do.

    - tell her that she needs to stop sleeping around with other guys or you won't take her back.

    - obviously she will say you re not my boyfriend and am gunna do whatever I want so then you tell her that you don't want to be a part of this crap anymore.

    - tell her to get her things out by tomorrow and leave the apartment asap.

    - inform her best friend to come help her with the moving.

    - call a friend or someone you trust to watch her leave and witness all the above.

    - if she doesn't go and says she is going to kill herself. call the cops on her or better yet call the doctors so she could get treated and institutionalized.

    - change the locks, pack her stuff and send them to her family, friend or whoever.

    - don't trust anyone from her circle of family or friends. even if it was a common friend.

    - get a dog.

    - burn the photos or anything that reminds you of her and ask people not to ask about her.

    - move on and wait for a while untill you start dating again... when its time,. find yourself a decent girl and don't let her move in with you.

    P.S I would highly recommand recording this scenario! just incase

    • The BPD causes her to be manipulative, sleep with random guys, and the outbursts (among MANY other things). My ex would threaten suicide if I left or hung up on her, threatened to do stuff to me, was sleeping with like 5 guys during the same time period, had random mood changes (up, down, up, down, down some more). I've been a victim of all of it and more so I know that the only way to end this is to have her committed to a psych ward and get the help she needs because she NEEDS help.

    • I know, bothh of you are literally describing my friend, although I had no idea that sleeping around was one of symptoms, I thought just the manipulative and up and down thingy!

      Thats weird, I would highly suggest getting both institutionlized, I always say that about my ex friend because her case was severe and she was my friend for 5 years untill I just couldn't do it anymore! too much lying as well and drama as well.

  • That's one of the strangest situations I've ever heard. You're dating this girl, but not in a relationship...Okay, I understand that part. But for two years, and living together for eight months? Sounds like a relationship to me. The fact that she's seeing other guys, but still seeing you and living with you, and allowing you to pay for everything tells me that she's the one doing the using. She's been using you for everything she needs, and that isn't fair.

    My advice to you is dump her, kick her out, whatever it takes, and don't listen to her when she says "I'll kill myself if you leave", because let's face it, she's saying that to ensure you stay. If she wants a relationship with the guy that picks her up in the middle of the night, let her go at it, because she'll never commit to you. I was recently in a situation where I was dating a guy, but not in a relationship because I don't want serious, but I never, and I mean NEVER led him to believe there was going to be more than dating and having fun together, whereas this girl has done just that. By moving in with you, and keeping this going on for two years, she's got you convinced there's a chance of marriage or whatever it is you want out of it, and I'm sorry to say there isn't. Leave her, get away from this poisonous situation, and don't worry about whatever she says, because she's using you. She knows you'll pay for whatever it is she needs, because that's what you've been doing. She needs a dose of reality that most men won't tolerate this behaviour, no matter how much they love her.

    I hope this helps, and that your situation is resolved.

  • Are you insane? Get a restraining order and get the hell out! Let her do to herself whatever her immature ass wants to...They are empty, immature threats to control you...You are not responsible for anything but your happiness...Pack her shoes in a bag and toss them on the front porch and move on...You are the one being used...Save yourself.

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What Guys Said 23

  • Dude!

    DUMP HER! ... and start dating me!

    Common man, I'm serious.. just think about how much better your life would be!

    You can pay for all by bills, and cover all my needs. I mean, I'll only be seeing other girls, and you won't even have to ask me to never go with an other guy when we go out; I'll respect you and not do it our of caring and how much I love (how you pay for all my stuff) you.

    And I promise, I'll never threaten to kill myself or you if you leave me.

    Just think about how much happier you would be with ME!

    I think you should tell her that you've found someone else already.

  • Listen. She sounds like she is bi-polar or a manipulative shrew and there is nothing in that for you. Trust me I know after 12 years spent hearing that manipulation and those statements almost weekly during that span. You know you are being used but more importantly you are not thinking about how you would feel about all this behavior if she actually was your girlfriend someday. Its a doomed dynamic before you establish any connection and trust is already in doubt so get out of that crap and stop providing financial support for her. You'll see her true colors fast once you do. You will see !

  • I just want to laugh a little. My apologies.

    Cause she loves you so much? Stupid people deserve to die, if she wants to use you to your grave. Use her to hers. There's no if ands or buts about it. Bring teh authorities into the problem. Claim that your life was threatened, and they will seperate you both and allow you to remove your things from the house, or one other persons things. Get a restraining order, and that's that.

    Don't think about it, just do.

    You sound like those wifes that say "he kicks my ass til he breaks my bones, but no matter what I still love him." "or I can't leave him... I just can't!"

  • Ok my friend, here's my answer:

    Since you are a man, let us analyze this as the logical human beings that we are..

    - She says she loves you

    - She has sex with another guy

    - She want to be with the other guy, but not with you

    - She brings her defenses up every time you try and talk her out of it

    - She threatens to kill herself when you try to leave

    So, here's all this analyzed pretty accurately:

    She does not love you. She is using you as a safety balnket and I will explain to you why.

    This other guy that is getting the best out of her, is what men call a PLAYER. He knows female psychology so well, he knows exactly what makes her tick. This girl has a lot of self-esteem issues and want the best of both worlds, because one guy gives her sexual pleasure and another looks after her (women basically need both of those things, SEX and SAFETY).

    OBVIOUSLY, you cannot talk with her about it in a negative way, because women do not respond well to logic my friend. That's us males.

    Anything you say or do, she will interpret as you being selfish and egotistical. The reason she thinks like this is because, she is the manipulative, selfish and egotistical low self-esteem person in the picture. But, women are very good at manipulating and getting what they want, especically when a guy likes them. They use sex as a weapon and their body too.

    Think of it this way, if she really wants to be with the other guy. As soon as you leave, guess what...SHES GONNA BE WITH THE OTHER GUY. she's not gonna commit suicide or attempt to hurt herself, because that's only a cry for attention. Women love attention, and love to seek approval, well at least the low self-esteem women.

    The only way you can look at this, is the healthy way.

    The healthy way is to think of yourself and ur needs FIRST.

    If she is too much for you to handle, then move out, go away.

    She is fine, and will learn for herself that she is making a mistake.

    This other man will eventually get bored of her and dump her, so he can get other women.

    Do not try to logically persuade her, she will not respond.

    The only way you can turn this around, is a dangerous and possibly destructive way.

    Which is, you become a man and get what you want, which is her. You show her you are a TRUE MAN, and sleep with her. This is only destructive because it may backfire, and she may start sleeping with both of u, and it may destroy u, because you don't seem the type of guy who can ignore that fact, mainly because you probably don't have enough confidence in the person you are, to know that in the end she'll dump him and stay with u.

    So, the alternative is, put ur foot down, and send her packing OR move out.

    Do not feel guilty for doing so, its her life, she does what she wants with it, you cannot control her you can only control yourself!

    She will only get worse, you cannot fix her.

    She is not ur responsability, and as a MAN, ur responsability is URSELF.

  • I would get a restraining order immediately. In every state in the US threatening to kill or harm someone is illegal and usually a felony. When she threatens to kill herself, call the police quietly and from outside her earshot.

    You need to leave, move, block the number, and get said restraining order. She is using you badly. Once you have moved on you should seek some professional counseling to deal with this person and to help you overcome the emotional wounds she has inflicted, and she HAS INFLICTED emotional wounds on you, regardless if you see them or not.

    You need to get out of this situation immediately.

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