Do cheaters ever deserve forgiveness?

Question

This is just a hypothetical question because I have recently seen takes from "cheat apologists" who have awknowledged their actions and are "sorry" for commiting them. 

Do do you think a cheater who is geninely sorry for cheating deserves to carry that guilt with them for the rest of their lives, or do they deserve to be forgiven by the ones that they hurt and people close to them? Why or why not?

Do they deserve the satisfaction of being forgiven?

redeyemindtricks · Accepted Answer

I know at least one long-time married couple whose relationship is as strong as it is, at least partly, BECAUSE of cheating.

Hear me out here.

Dude in this marriage came from one of those classic broken families, with parents who just took off, foster parents who weren't really too much there either, the whole shebang. MAJOR trust issues with anyone, anywhere, anytime. I mean, he couldn't even leave his laptop bag on a couch at a party full of his own friends, ffs -- that's how little he trusted ANYONE with ANYTHING. He'd literally haul all his possessions right along into the bathroom to take a piss.

With his emotions, he was exactly the same way. His #1 instinct was to be secretive about absolutely everything -- even when NOTHING actually sketchy was going on. That was just the way he grew up, in an abusive household where literally any given random action could be "punished" arbitrarily, sometimes severely.

Ok, you get the kind of background, here, that we're talking about.

Anyway, long story short, dude got married to one of my girlfriends, and he fucked around with this ex of his, behind her back, a few times. It wasn't just one time, either -- it was probably a few liaisons, at least, before it all came out. Who knows, mb he was hitting other pussy too and only God will know.

She found out, and she was absolutely devastated.

and then HE was absolutely devastated, because he REALLY DID NOT REALIZE the impact that his actions would have on his wife.
Really, he had NO concept of "trust" at all, because of the way his whole life had been, up to that point. He simply had no idea of this whole notion that he was violating in the first place.

He was absolutely devastated, by how devastated SHE was.

She thought about leaving him. He came to me about it, because, well, I like to talk to people. I could tell that this whole emotional light bulb had flicked on inside his head. A whole new world.

Along with others, I convinced my girlfriend not to leave him.

It was the right decision.

Directly BECAUSE of that experience, her husband actually understands what trust is, and what it's all about, and how fragile it can be. His whole behavior is literally night and day different -- he doesn't even have the weird secretiveness about random shit, anymore. He's so... normal, now.

And let me tell you, that boy is gna be faithful to his wife, now, until his last dying breath.

These issues are not always one-dimensional.

Latéstériä · Accepted Answer

This question is funny to me, because it evokes some sort of gigantic, cosmic book, floating in space, listing who deserves what. Perhaps some people believe such a book exists, but I'm not one of them.

The Universe doesn't care if you cheat on your girlfriend or not. It doesn't care about you at all -or me. If I have a really, really bad day, I don't deserve a treat. I may deserve one according to my values.

But I don't deserve one according to the Universe. And when I've been an asshole, I don't deserve to be punished according to the Universe, because it's incapable of caring whether I'm good or bad. I may deserve punishment according to some people's legal or ethical systems.

Sorry is a relatively useless word when you have done something terrible to someone else. Sorry is useful when you bump into someone by accident. Bumping into someone is no big deal.

Sorry makes up for it. Cheating on someone is a terrible thing. Sorry does not make up for it. It doesn't matter how sorry you are or how many times you say it.

A.

Hidden_P · Accepted Answer

Generally, almost all times, I believe no forgiveness or trust.

Only once have I heard a story and felt truly sorry. It was a woman on Jeremy Kyle who was with her man. They had been together and trying and trying for a baby for literally 30 years. Eventually, he had an illness, possibly cancer that was aggressive and slow. It made him wheelchair bound, unable to please her and he could see he was becoming a burden to her and unhappy. She was working, caring and cleaning the house alone. He told her to go and seek sexual pleasure from someone else and if he could help her burden that was fine too. She denied but eventually felt a need to share the weight. The man she chose helped her and it made her husband incredibly sad, jealous and conflicted and she hated herself for finding happiness.

It's the only time I felt truly sorry and felt sympathy for BOTH sides.

Most situations and normal people... no. No forgiveness, no trust. Understanding maybe, but doesn't mean it's okay.

EllieLexis513 · Accepted Answer

If you cheated just because, I'll forgive you down the road but our relationship is done. You cheat, you can be forgiven, but I'm not obligated to do so nor am I obligated to give you a second chance.

HeWhoPonders · Accepted Answer

The users that you are talking about generally provide excuses for their behavior, I don't believe all of them are like that. There are those who are naturally disloyal and there are those who make mistakes (yes, I am aware of the controversy around saying a cheater made a mistake. I will point out that something doesn't have to be an accident to be a mistake). Those people who are clearly in the first category, those who have proven time and again that they are cheaters to the core and see nothing wrong with it, do not deserve forgiveness as people like that are unwilling to atone for what they did.

But then there is the second category of cheaters. These are people that have cheated before and hate themselves for it. These people are not unapologetically disloyal by nature (which I know goes against the belief that if someone cheats once, that person must be a born two timer, which is wrong by the way). Instead, these people may instead have insecurity problems which eventually resulted in a situation where they pile up girls/boys around them so that they can feel better about themselves. After they hit this rock bottom, people like this will most often try hard to change, unlike those from the first category who will consider it a job well done. I think that these people do deserve forgiveness, but not trust. These people shouldn't be constantly put down for what they did because much of the time they already hate themselves for it. They should be yelled at once when they do it, but not beyond that. No grabbing a bunch of your female friends and physically beating them, save that for category #1 guys. There's a difference between bad people who did bad things and good people who did a bad thing. That doesn't mean you're obligated to date him again. If you know he is generally sorry for it, I say he deserves forgiveness but don't put your trust on the line again. Habits like keeping admirers lined up are hard to break, but if you know he's really making steps to break it, don't give him more crap than necessary.

Prof_Don · Accepted Answer

Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions, and those people deserve forgiveness.

BUT, the person they cheated on with... has absolutely ZERO obligation to give that person another chance. As far as i'm concerned that relationship prospect is immediately dead.

DustyBlue · Answer

The people who have cheated on me did it early on in the relationship. It has not happened to me in a tried and true long-lasting relationship (more than a year), so I can't speak for that most shocking of betrayals. Those who did it to me did it because they were still working on establishing a trust with me and getting over their insecurities and suspicions and paranoia and didn't truly emotionally commit their loyalty yet. That faith just hadn't solidified yet at that point of knowing them. That or they consciously abandoned it. I gave them my faith, but they weren't ready for that kind of trust yet and they were still weighing other options aside from me and weren't totally convinced yet to stick with me.

The point is, these are shallow, reckless, impulsive people with no integrity or sense of duty/loyalty/responsibility/accountability. If you want a flower to bloom, you gotta keep watering it and let it grow. They shook off their faith too early and severed future prospects of trust and hope. It was dead just as it started budding. Even if they did have those qualities of trust/loyalty and respect, they chose to suspend them for a whim, disregarding the irreversible long-term consequences that are inevitably down the road. That is not someone you want to rely on, someone who thinks "it's okay this time, it's okay if I do it, I have this or that reason, fuck them, I am justified in doing this".

It doesn't matter if you forgive them or not, that's up to you. Just don't associate with these types. Have a standard and follow them. Sift through the bullshit and get with people who wouldn't dare betray you so callously. If they were willing to do this to you, then it clearly wasn't meant to be and you didn't have the close trust/bond you hoped for. They fucked up years of a meaningful bond for the sake of something as trivial as 10 minutes of getting it on. Someone so impulsive and morally flexible is not really worth your trust or your time/effort, let alone giving your heart and future to them. They have no principles or convictions or integrity if they do this, and if you have the heart to forgive them, it means you deserve someone better. Someone you won't HAVE to forgive. In the meantime of searching for whoever will respect you right, respect yourself, don't stick with people who exploit you, and enjoy your own company. If you end up finding someone you CAN safely rely on, great, but rely on yourself first. Build the guts to not NEED a romance.

Bluemax · Answer

If the person who has been hurt chooses to forgive them, then they deserve forgiveness. I personally know married couples where someone cheated and was forgiven and their relationship is good.

I find it very strange and astonishing what people CAN overlook/forgive (unprovoked violence, theft, lack of integrity, etc.) in light of what can NEVER be overlooked (hired a hooker and cheated seem to be big ).

P. S., I have never hired a hooker or cheated, so I don't have a personal interest. Furthermore, everything I have mentioned I can overlook if the person has made every effort not to do it again.

Jeremy1787 · Answer

You should forgive, but not forget. Previous behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. But what you're forgetting is that forgiveness is not for the person who does wrong, it is for the person to whom the wrong is done. Hanging on to that hate, anger and anguish and thinking that somehow the person who cheated is going to suffer because of it is like drinking cyanide and thinking that the cheater will die. It makes no sense. Letting go and forgiving the person is something YOU deserve, and you should not begrudge YOURSELF that mercy, because you have done nothing wrong. As long as you hang on to what an awful thing was done to you, you will be amgry, hateful, resentful and hate your life. You deserve better than that.

noneoftheabove · Answer

i definitely think you should forgive, however that doesn't mean you have to still talk to them or associate with them. if you hold onto unforgiveness you dont realise what it does to you as a person. it can create a bitterness/anger/confusion that you will carry round with you. in someways it can also affect your future relationships.

forgiveness is something you have to do so you can move on with your life no matter how much it hurts you. you will notice a complete transformation in how you feel about things if you do indeed forgive someone whos cheated. it might be hard to do it but its supposed to be as it takes all your will power and it also shows what type of character you are too.

forgiveness is important in everything.

Tdieseler · Answer

Before deciding something like this, you gotta put yourself in someone's shoes. would You like to be forgiven and trusted again or not.
I know I've cheated and the ones i wanted forgiveness for were the ones i confessed to. or else, why would i confess?
so its quite irritating when someone confesses to infidelity and the other person starts crowing and strutting around like its some kinda blasphemy, looking all in the past and missing the fact that they would have stayed as ignorant as dumbasses if the "cheater" wasn't truly sorry and loved them enough to open up and be at their mercy.

xHoneyxBeex · Answer

I don't really think it's a matter of "deserving" forgiveness. I think it just depends on whether or not the person they hurt is willing to forgive them. Cheating is not the worst thing in the world but it does hurt people so I really have no sympathy for cheaters who are later sorry and regret their actions.

I have been cheated on and to be honest, I have forgiven him, but his actions completely shattered my trust so I felt it was best to end things. I would not trust someone again after being cheated on. All actions have consequences and that's one consequence of cheating; your partner may never trust you again and the relationship could end because of it. So I guess what I'm saying is, I can forgive a cheater, but I will not forget what they did or trust them after that point.

dragonfly6516 · Answer

In most cases, no. Cheating is NEVER an "accident". It is ALWAYS a conscious choice to hide it. When you choose to keep that secret, you take away their ability to protect themselves. There are some very few cases where I would forgive a cheater. I would never expect the one who was cheated on to HAVE to forgive and stay, and I would never judge them for staying. Cheating isn't always about sex. I've known a few people who cheated because they were terrified of falling in love, and in one of those cases, the guy couldn't even get off, and realized that he really did love his boyfriend. They took a long break-up and sorted out a lot of shit before mutually agreeing to try again. They're getting married soon.

rjroy3 · Answer

Forgiveness does not mean a second chance. That's faulty logic. Just because someone is forgiven doesn't mean they deserve or should get a second chance.

Now do they "deserve" forgiveness? Well... did they even ask for it? Do they think what they did is wrong and asked for it? Did they feel guilt, apologize, do things to make it right and change their behavior? These are all things that point towards being deserving of forgiveness or even a second chance. It definitely makes them deserving of forgiveness, but you don't OWE them that forgiveness. And even if you grant them forgiveness, making it right doesn't make them deserving of a second chance. That is entirely up to the other person.

fuqthegovt · Answer

I lay the ground rules on Day 1. It's pretty straight forward. Cheat on me when we are supposed to be in a closed relationship and then lie about it in an attempt to cover it up and I find out some other way and we are done. Come clean and admit it soon after (not after months or years of lying about it) and I'll probably be pissed and end up killing the guy you cheated with while taking advantage of "crime-of-passion" statutes. If it's a girl you cheated with I'll be even more pissed that I was left out of a 3some. But I will get over it. Well, mostly, due to the fact that cheating pretty much annihilates a huge chunk of trust the relationship is based on. Trust/reputation is one of those things once lost is very hard to get back.

sixnineanon · Answer

@johnnywoods wrote one of those takes "Why My Bisexuality Didn't Ruin My Relationship." It was easy to forgive him because I wasn't the one he cheated on and he's my friend. I seen some other good things about him besides his cheating. His ex, it's her choice to forgive him or not.

I can't forgive a woman who cheats on me (I mean I have can but i won't take her back) but I can easily forgive a person who cheats on someone else. I won't agree or like what they did. I just don't hold grudges against people who haven't done anything to me, especially if they regret what they did.

Cheating is a despicable action but there are actions even worse than that. I am open to forgive all humans because no one is perfect. There might be some good things about the person besides what they just did.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Anonymous · Answer

I voted C. Not all of them and not always of course, but sometimes.

The other brutal reality is that while there are some cheaters who are just... habitual liars who had some reason...

Most often cheating is because things were not right in their relationship. And cheating was not the 'right' way to handle it, and they have to own up to that.

But things can't go back to how they were. How they were was not good enough.

For the relationship to work, they need to apologize and mean it but they also need to own up about what was wrong. They need to raise why they were unhappy the right way, and the other person needs to work with them to fix it.

Victorianne · Answer

I could never forgive any kind of betrayal. I value loyalty so i would never accept less than i am willing to give.

I do believe a person can be genuinely sorry and full of remorse , but once a person cheats then that will always be their potential. You can never get back the same level of trust as you had before

Rcjh1987 · Answer

To some degrees I think its good for the person who was cheated on to forgive for their own happiness instead of carrying the burden and hurt, and let it go because to some degrees it will always be in the back of your mind with the next person that they are with. For example my sons dad cheated on me from the time I was 9 months pregnant until he was 6 months old. which was when I found out. I was extremely hurt as anyone would be but it hurt especially knowing that whenever I was home all by myself taking care of our child he was always with her. but it was easy for him to do so because we didn't live together. he ended up marrying her... It took ne a very long time to get over the hurt that I felt. But I decided for my own good I decided that I was going to forgive him so I could move on instead of sulking about it. Its not easy to forgive and to be honest not everyone can and that's ok there is nothing wrong with not being able to forgive the person who wronged you.

Frost_Byt3 · Answer

I think they deserve to be treated as a normal person. They shouldn't be insulted or spat at. I wouldn't mind being friends with a remorseful cheater, but I don't think they should be trusted under romantic circumstances.

I think they deserve friendship and normalcy, but they don't deserve love.

Sirakyus · Answer

Do they "deserve" forgiveness? Nope. Not at all. Forgiveness for wronging somebody in anyway period is never deserved. Especially from the person they wronged/cheated on. But I agree that a person shouldn't have to let it torture them for the rest of their lives. They'd just have to accept the fact that they most likely messed up beyond the point of forgiveness from the person they cheated on a move on knowing that they'll probably never be forgiven

thecd1979 · Answer

When they get older and grow out of the "chasing tail" mentality, many of these cheaters will look back and realize just how ridiculous, selfish and immature their actions were. It's almost always a great girl that these guys end up cheating on and they'll regret it later on down the road. Many of them will need to find it in themselves to forgive themselves.

heavenonearth · Answer

They're not entitled to forgiveness or acceptance, but even if you break up with them, it's good to forgive and not hold on to bitterness. For yourself as much as for them. And if the partners of people who cheated and others choose to give them another chance, that's their business.

TakeMaker · Answer

I don't think it's anyone else's business other than the two people involved. No one else's opinion means anything, it is up to them if they want to try and forgive and move on. It might not work, it might make their relationship a lot better. I've seen both situations.

vonasaurus · Answer

i forgave a cheater once, and i got burned.

i've always said that i'd be more likely to forgive someone who was forthright about his or her indiscretions, and i mean it. but i certainly wouldn't stay with that person; i can't be in a relationship with someone i don't trust.

ThisDudeHere · Answer

Forgiveness? Yes. They are only human apteral. We all make bad decisions.
But acceptance for their actions? Fuck no.

If you cheat on me, I can forgive you, I can even be your friend and help you move on, but in no fucking way are we ever getting back together.

Do cheaters ever deserve forgiveness?

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