How to deal with a guy who is bad at expressing himself verbally?

[Anonymous]

So me and boyfriend have been dating for half a years. Everything went good and pretty stable, I met his family his friends and we are serious in the relationship. But one thing always hurt my feeling. He is very bad at expressing anything verbally.
He is a workaholic, I do understand since he got kids to take care of so money is important to him. Today he sent me message saying good morning as usual, and told me he is going to work throughout the weekends for a couple weeks. I feel happy for him that he also got a better wage raise but half of me feel sad. Since when I replied him saying.."Oh, so I won't get to see you then.." he said.."Pretty much" .. then nothing..
Its not the first time he is saying something like this, a few weeks ago he told me he will be extremely busy so I was like "so I can't see you around then" He said "Yeah" then nothing...
This hurts me because we live far away from each other, its not easy for me to see him often. I said that he is not good at expressing things verbally because, everytime he seems cold at saying stuff like that, but whenever I see him in person, he becomes so affectionate. He also secretly make time and will tell me once he got time.
But I wonder why he has to say something like that? Like if your bf/gf said things like that to you, the reaction is like "so it doesn't matter to you if you cannot see me for a long while" ..
How can I deal with it? Everytime he says this and I feel hurt...
:(

[btbc92]

That's just him. You just deal with it and stop emotionally investing yourself so quickly into the relationship. He isn't touchy feely like you are. That shouldn't be a problem if you really care about him. But if your going to behave as if he doesn't care about you, then move on. Don't make him feel bad because he isn't another you. Come on now. You've been dating him about 6 months and you mean to tell us your have NEVER noticed this within the 1st month of dating? Rule of thumb: don't get so preoccupied with somebody to the point you miss important cues about the person. Otherwise that is not his fault. That is yours. There is nothing wrong with him. You're just very emotional and get easily attached to anybody while he's more laid back and confident in the relationship. If you don't feel the same, talk to him about it and see what he says. Don't play mind games with him. Be direct and honest where you personalive concerns are, but give facts NOT emotions. Men are not mind readers, their doers. Speak his language and he will communicate with you at a level he believes that you will understand.

[Mzcoco95]

My boyfriend does this too! He will text me goodmorning every morning and just be kinda dry in text message or he'll just let the conversation end after we have exchanged words. I'll be getting mad like so that's it? U don't wanna see me? But then he'll be trying to find a ride to come see me without letting me know about it. He seems so careless through text but when he's with me he's just all over me and soo affectionate. He just has to hold my hand in public. But u wouldn't think he's the same guy on the text messages 😂. He's just not that great of a communicator. Not good at expressing himself. I feel like he doesn't love me sometimes but that's only when we aren't together. I don't know what the deal is with that. But at least I'm not the only one with someone who acts like this.

[Asker]

Its pretty funny he always initiate but talk less in text, but extremely affectionate and expressive in person, Im the opposite, I talk like an AK 47 when texting, but Im so passive in person, like I never initiate a kiss or hug or anything, he is the one who always initiate physical contact.

[Confused_chick89]

Oddly enough, I'm facing the same thing. We've been together for a year, but he barely texts and doesn't like talking on the phone at all. However he's very affectionate and loving in person. I find it easier to express myself through text or on the phone and I feel like I desire that connection. So I brought it up and said it was important to me that we talk on the phone sometimes. He said he doesn't like it at alllll. But that said we live pretty near by and manage to see each other at least twice a week. I think if you called him and said hey... I think it's vital for me that we speak on the phone sometimes, even though he may be uncomfortable with the idea... since he cares about you... I'm certain he will make an effort.

[Asker]

I dont see him often coz the distance between us. I guess most of the guys just better at expressiong themself in actions? Haha.. He talks a lot usually only except when he works, he is a workaholic works from 7am to 12am almost everyday.

[kholland65]

Sounds like a pretty typical guy. I'm like this. Or so I'm told.

I definitely have a capacity to love and be emotional. All of my serious girlfriends have raved about how well I treated them. I just feel weird and goofy saying mushy things out loud even if deep down I'm madly in love with the girl.

For me I show my love through gesture. Whether it's taking care of her when she's sick or having a bad day, taking her out for a night on the town, paying for her meal, buying her a gift, helping her fix something, etc.

For me and othe guys like me, we just like to know that what we do for you is appreciated and not taken for granted which I think women today commonly do. They see this type of thing as an obligation on he part of men meaning he should be shown appreciation for doing them.

[Asker]

He is very affectionate as in person, he pays and makes me laugh, tease me, touchy etc etc. I do appreciate and I do my best as in return like making him food all the time, giving up good sex, being reachable whenever he needs me. The only thing is when he is busy, he would even forget to eat. I don't know how can I show him I want him to take care of his health,, I want to let him know I am always here to support him in a better way...

[oddwaffle]

You need to cherish the few moments you have with him. Time is exceedingly valuable for busy people. It is the quality time that matters the most to time, not the amount of time they can spend.

He took his time to text you, that's saying a lot. He cares enough to give up his precious time to let you know. Workaholics don't have enough hours in a day to sleep.

Imagine you just got home. Exhausted, starving, sleepy and is in serious need of a shower. That's how busy people feel when they got off work. If that moment you can still send a text then you're probably not human. I slept in front of my house because I was too tired to open the door.

[Asker]

Thanks, this helps with my feeling. He is single dad with 3 kids n has 3 jobs. He works from 7am to 12am almost everyday except Sunday once in awhile. I feel so glad that he is still texting me every single day throughout this 6 months. He is one always initiate and check on me every few hours even he is working and always have hard time to type since his hands always dirty coz of job type. I know he is really tired everyday so he falls asleep once he touches the pillow. He only got 4-5 hours to sleep in average. People say texting doesn't mean anything, but for me, for us, it means a lot, as you said, it tells a lot since he cares enough to move his fingers even he is super exhausted. He is able to say good night and tease me a little before he passed out on the bed.. Even it takes 4 hours for us to travel to each other, he still tried to reach out when he has time. Its appreciated what he is doing.. The only thing I always feel bad is that I dont know how to be supportive.

[Asker]

I keep making food and dessert he likes and bring them in whenever I go see him. And everytime we meet, we both have the best quality time together and he always ask if I enjoyed the time with him. I dont want to make myself being like nagging, and I want him to feel better...

[OlderAndWiser]

Is it possible that he is involved with someone else? Don't jump too quickly to say "no;" think about it!

[Asker]

If the trust is broken, I have already broken up with him long time ago.. I see him like once every 2 weeks average. But we text everyday. He is a single dad, his ex wife cheated on him and he can't accept and don't understand why people cheat under any circumstances. This case would be excluded since I have not detect any behavioral changes and he is always like that, once he work, he even forget to eat sleep and his mom talked to him about it too.. I feel so bad for him and also feel happy that he is doing a great job. We text every 3-4 hours asking me what Im doing and what he is doing... we trust each other but probably the distance is an issue too that we can't get to each other easily. Well I do work as full time too..

[OlderAndWiser]

Some guys are happier being married to their job. Is that the kind of husband you would want? This behavior represents an attitude that probably won't change.

[Asker]

I got older friends around telling me he is not boyfriend material but husband material... haha but if I have to choose, I rather choose someone work hard then work less and staying home most of the time. I would okay with it when we live together and he is busy, that is fine. The biggest issue now is he is busy and we can't get together very often..

[OlderAndWiser]

If he is The One, eventually one of you must move. Why not take that step now?

[Asker]

I am still working and it takes 2 hours to drive if I move closer to him, he of course can't move to me since his shops and kids go to school there. He is a Mormon, he is not baptised but I know his parents wouldn't let us live together until the day we get married...

[GingerGuy]

You need to talk to him about how you feel and how what he says hurts you and how it does. Communication. Some guys (a lot even) have a hard time expressing feelings or talking about them (we're taught by society it's not manly), so you have to work on him. It's possible he won't change and that's just the way he is though so you have to decide if you can handle that about him or not. You guys may not be compatible and as much as you may care for him, you'll have to end the relationship and find someone you're more compatible with.

[Asker]

I always want to try to figure out a way to talk to him, at the same time I dont want to stress him out even more...

[GingerGuy]

That's good, but the lack of communication is also hurting your relationship with him. I imagine that it's always going to be stressful for him until he learns or gets used to talking more/better with you... if he does.

[oldanddecrepid]

If you are texting then dump the phone... those stupid emoticons are no comparison to the real thing.

If I were him and I had to work some weekends that would cut into my time with my girlfriend, I would have called and made sure she knew that I would miss her greatly.

I also would have tried to find some way to make it up to her by promising some additional time in the future together. If I had some holiday time, I would include her.

This is a really valuable lesson to guys who just don't say enough to give their girl some feedback about a potentially negative setback in your relationship. Be proactive and tell her how you feel, just don't leave it dangling!

[Asker]

Yes I got what you mean, unfortunately there are far more guys will not know how to express their emotions than girls do. Especially those negative feelings.. Its like he is too tough and too optimistic all the time. He owns a car shop and as a contractor that he needs to cut metal all the time. So when Im at his shop, I always say be careful when he cuts the metal with the machine. He will say something like "No worries, if I lose one finger, I still have 9. Hahaha..." that kind of person... I want to help him but I dont know how to at the same time won't hurt his ego.. but your right, guys need to open up, it hurts for girls and we really can't understand.

[oldanddecrepid]

Sometimes girls have to educate us guys about opening up. I know guys like to be tough and all in the face of their girls, but they also need to learn to be vulnerable too!

If we can't do that with the one we are with then we just carry those things around with us until it becomes too much and makes it an even more awkward/difficult situation that strains the relationship.

The tough-act only lasts for so long, then it actually becomes a hindrance in the relationship.

[lightbulb27]

That's hard. he really isn't being considerate of feeling or expressing he misses you. Guys can function differently than women and be ok being away for weeks and return like nothing happened or was wrong. They may not feel the disconnect like a woman does. Realize he has kids to keep busy and work occupying, so his mind is occupied while your heart is yearning.

I don't know how to solve this. Can't visit him and spend some time or talk? If not, you have to live with it and enjoy your time alone, or you have to find someone else since he really isn't available.

[Asker]

I dont want to let things out that easily since I know he cares amd shows it as in actions. He lives around 2 hours away from where I live so its pointless if I drive up there and he is not available or being too late that we won't have much time to spend together. I am thinking should I tell him how I feel but Im scared to screw anything up, since as you said, men are different, he probably dont find anything wrong with it. Then I would look like stupid. I just hate the feeling when he told me "I will be working through the weekends and they just raised my wage a lot" Then I said "Congrats on it" He replied "I won't have any daysoff for a couple of weeks as far as I know. " so i said "Oh, then I won't get to see you then" He just simply replied "Pretty much" And thats it. You know the feeling that it looks like I care but he doesn't, and when he told me he won't hv daysoff for weeks, does it hv hidden meaning? I hate this feeling..

[lightbulb27]

He isn't saying muich about you and him, almost like he's making an excuse or to get away... that's how it sounds.. because there is no... but I'll be in a better place and we can have fun after that... not hearing that. it may not be meant that way, I don't know. You can ask if there is something to look forward to at the end of all that? That you don't like being apart so much, but you understand and will make the most of your time.

It's not easy, I know girls don't like separation. I wrote a funny short story on that for someone else to epxlain difference in thinking. But guys don't typically feel the disconnect so much, but girls totally do since they are more emotion. Example... when Iwas away from my xGF, I was focused whre I was at... she was worried and thinmking bout me. drove her nuts. I just think where I'm at most of the time.

[Asker]

Yea true, men and women are totally different. The funny thing and which makes me feel so ccnfused is that its not the first time he saying things like that. Everytime he say he is busy but then whenever he got time, Im always the first one who got noticed and he always ask me out once he has day off. So I guess he is not getting away. Like he have made some plan after his busy schedule with me already but he won't tell. All he will tell me is that he won't be available. Probably he doesn't feel like words like this hurt my feeling? I slowly adjusted to separation with him, due to we both work, he got 3 job 3 kids. And I already found my ways to entertain myself sometimes. Now struggling should I tell him my feeling or will I look stupid.. haha

[lightbulb27]

Write down what you would say and lets review it here. you can express you rfeeling, but you cannot attack him. he just laid down a boundary and communicated. you aren't allowed to beat him up for that... especially if he hae so much obligation.

what he really needs... what every guy on planet wants... is a woman that is supportive and undersatnding and flexible and availble when he wants:) I know not easy and not fair to do, but he doesn't need more stress. So you can say "You do what have to do, I'm proud of you for working so hard. You know I miss you and being with you and make me sad. But I know you are doing best and I trust you. When get chance, let me know so we can spend time together." There... that is some feeling while being uplifting and will make him stronger...
you must be Chinese...:)?

[Asker]

Reading the last paragraph you wrote make my eyes watery. Haha.. yes Im Chinese straight from Hong Kong. We live a hundred miles away, I understand he got a lot of obligation so I have been very supportive. Im the one who always drive up to him, everytime I bring his favorite homemade dessert, I give my best to him in everything I could do for him. We both belong to people dont know how to say sweet words. We dont call each other honey or babe. He calles me crazy girl, I call him weirdo, he calles me old lady.. I call him old man, he calls me trouble maker, I call him heart breaker. I never said a word I miss him so he is the same. But we feel it, we truly know we care each other by actions. So. Saying stuff like that as you mentioned is a big challenge and he might think I got something wrong and Im pretty sure he won't response or give me a short response. Haha..

[Asker]

for how to tell him my feeling, I just want to let him know Im always here and I always ask him to "add oil"<<< a Chinese slang to encourage someone, he is a White and he learned some now. But I dont want to make it sounds like its not me.

[lightbulb27]

yes, put in your own words, needs to be authentic. I'm just saying try to convert your feelings of insecurity, loss of connection, fear, loss into positive. it will work better. what you are feeling I think is normal for female, or many... thousands of years of insecurity and loss... and universal.

[Asker]

Thanks for your help... :) I will try...

[3Didnt7say]

I would love to tell you that you can make him be more expressive but some people are just not meant to be and if you love him enough you'll understand that and learn to live with. Because sometimes trying to change our partners to fit our purpose might seem like a good idea but in doing so you might change what it was that made you fall in love in the first place. Hopefully i helped good luck.

[Miladoll1]

Ugggggh! I know EXACTLY how you feel! It's terrible I myself am dealing with the same thing! Maybe it's just some guys.. I don't think they realize how it can honestly hurt a woman.. women over think and men are just straight to the point. Talk to him about it maybe? I don't know I'm going through the same thing. Stick in there girl

[Asker]

Yea it sucks. I don't know what to tell him or how to talk with him. Like I shouldn't be mad because the truth is he really needs to work and busy and temporarily unavailable, he is not lying or keep secrets. He already explained that very clearly that, he will be away for couple weeks. So what should I talk about? I guess he is that kind of person bad at phrasing? I dunno... It sucks, seriously.

[Miladoll1]

No I know, but a conversation should come natural. If texting or messaging doesn't work why not just call him? I hate texting my boyfriend he's the worst at texting he even uses "k" like it's not a bad thing lol guys are just so simple minded sometimes they don't know that women over think everything they say lol

[Asker]

I don't like calling coz I have nothing to say and I'm slow at thinking a response lol some people suggest that he would be sad too, I mean he is extremely affectionate when I get to meet him, I can feel he missed me a lot too. So probably he is sad the truth is he needs to work as well? I just don't want to add stress to him by saying anything wrong. At the same time I want to show that I do support him too...

[Aperfectcircle]

Honestly he sounds a bit like me just not really much of a texter. He may just be texting pretty much and yea because he doesn't know how these things will sound in your head without tone of voice and if he's like me he's not super big on emojis either. Try not to read much into the texts. One thing I will say tho is that there is definitely a difference in how intense my feelings are for a girl when I haven't seen them for a while. When I finally see them again I get pretty affectionate haha just let him know how important quality face to face time is to you and work with his schedule

[Asker]

He texts a lot when he is not working... but when he works, he would forget everything. And yea i got your point tht texts won't tell me his tone when saying. Plus as you said he never used emojis so I dont know sometimes if he is joking.. or being serious. The only time I will receive stickers from him is when his kids have his phone.. haha I will try to talk to him in a nicer way... thanks.

[abundantlyrich]

One of those technological new age problems... oh my

Texting isn't for everybody especially if a guy has a big index finger struggling to type a tiny digital key letter. Personally, i find that It gives a feeling of feeling small, limited and condensed when i text or even talk to people online through messaging.

[Asker]

We based texting a lot since we live pretty far away from each other... and both of us dont like talking on the phone or doing facetime. So texting became a way to connect with each other every single day. He always initiate in texting and I do too, just that he does more.. Even though he is not super busy, I only get to see him once every 2 weeks or rarely once every week. I work as retail so sometimes I work through the weekends and he usually have days off on weekends. The biggest problem of texting I have found is I dont know his tone when saying it coz he tease me always and it gets to a point that sometimes I dont know if he is teasing or being serious, sometimes I ask him is it really.. he will be like Im teasing calm down crazy girl (that is how we call each other.)

[Anpu23]

Guys SHOW their feelings, not tell them. It comes down to how mens brains are wired, emotional centers are tied to the action centers. Women on the other hand have their emotional centers tied to their speach centers. It is quite hard for a guy to speak about his feelings, so instead watch how he rracts to you, how he acts, that is how you can get a "read" on him.

[Asker]

Yes its probably all about how men's brain work so different than women. He does show his love and care in person, and since I can't see him often, sometimes I feel up and down.

[FakeName123]

Did you ever consider that its not him being bad at expressing himself, but you as well? Understanding each other isn't a one-way-street. Yes, his answers are short, but yours are some subtle hints of "throw me off my feet, prince charming."

If you want to spend more time with him and dislike him working too much, YOU should experss your needs and not blame him for doing what he does.

Because reality is most guys text like this and barely any guy actually does like texting.

[Asker]

We text a lot daily since we dont get to see each other often. He is the one who always initiate a conversation. But you are right, we have very similar personality which we both bad at expressing emotions. I had told him to let me know whenever he got time for me so I can get to him, he said "I dont even have time for myself, I eat breath and work.." so then I was down, but then the next day he texted me saying he tried his best to get his works done so he spared out Sunday so we would hang out. Im gussing if some guys will do things like that because they are really stressed at work, somehow feeling sad and mad and have nowhere to go?

[Anonymous]

He show you his affection by ask you if he wounldn't been able to see you... You know it's normal for a guy to be like this. They're all like this, a bit macho and doesn't want to show to much their feelings. you have to read and see all the sign he give you.

[Miss_Behave]

I don't see what's wrong here, tbh. I mean, He's a guy... And a very busy one too (as you've said). Most guys aren't big at texting, let alone expressive over text.

[Anonymous]

I think he probably tries not to discuss the fact he can't see you so much because it is a little painful for him to think about. As you said, he is loving and affectionate, but perhaps it's easier for him to stay "detached" when he knows he needs to be away for work, rather than be reminded of how he'd rather just be with you. It makes sense to me, at least.

[Asker]

I have thought of that too.. Since we have similar personality and always keep the most stressful things to ourselves and thinking the best way not to add stress on others. But it hurts even more seeing him like this and I feel like I can do nothing much.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand. Perhaps you just need to talk to him. Tell him it is OK if he just wants to call up/text/skype/email whatever to tell you how much he loves you and misses you. If you can encourage him to be more open in this respect, perhaps this will make him feel better about being away to work, and will be good for you too.

[mostwomenshouldstfu]

He has kids and you don't? If so, why are you wasting your time? Having kids is not necessarily a sign of responsibilty. Sounds like he doesn't want to get serious, and neither do you if you think you can "manipulate this". Like, if he can't express himself well, what the hell are you doing for 6 months?

[Asker]

I personally dont feel like Im wasting my time because he got kids while I dont. He just can't express himself well through words most of the time, especially when it comes to he gets busy.

[mostwomenshouldstfu]

He sounds like a crap father if he can't express himself, or he is purposely doing to you because of some resentment for you. If he likes you, he'll make time. F*** that kids excuse, if he'd had a wife, he'd make time for her. Else he's not worth it

[modeve]

You seem to be more concerned with his inability to express himself verbally, rather than his quality of love, care and affection which he has in heart for you.

[Asker]

Yes. Since I can definitely feel his love for me, even both of us hv never said it verbally. Im more concerned and worried about his stress and his expression and how can I help him..

[modeve]

Helping stress nd to bring him out from it is commendable. But don't worry. Love always dominates. Stay happy.

[Asker]

Thanks..:)

[modeve]

I am happy that I have successfully conveyed my thoughts. We women mostly come into grip of charming dialogue and appealing expression. To my mind, most appreciable is warming and loving heart. Your boyfriend genuinely cares for you. Unwritten expressions are more lasting than written thesis.

[Asker]

He does genuinely love and care me I can feel it... We have a very similar personality so I can feel him, you know that feeling that you can even smell him if he is being sad or happy without saying a word? Haha... while Im saying he is not good at expressing himself, so do I. He is just sensitive enough to make me feel safe time to time... I just feel like it hurts when I see him hide his negative feeling since I know it hurts, I do the same thing. Maybe its a man thing.. haha

[modeve]

I find your thinking very mature but slightly disturbed by emotions. You both care each other, realize and also think of others' mental/emotional comfort. Don't spoil such excellent relations.

[Asker]

Thank you..:) I have been feeling better these 2 days.. I really appreciate your opinions and comments. It fuels me up. Haha..

[modeve]

Thanks, dear.

[Anonymous]

He needs to get it all off his chest somehow, maybe by keeping a diary. Also, try to make him feel more relaxed and comfortable but don't force him into anything if he's busy and make sure you don't overwhelm him lol. Good luck!

[Asker]

I will try to do so... i want him to let out himself a little more.. thanks.

[MJas16]

He's probably bad at texting. Unfortunately some guys are like that.. Talk to him

[HARLEYSCHOOLBOY]

It hurts him to say it. He does not want to start an argument just before he won't see you for awhile and leave on those terms. Just try to be hot for him when he gets back and let your pheromones do the rest.

[Asker]

You mean he feels hurt to say anything more about it? Im always here waiting for him..

[HARLEYSCHOOLBOY]

He is afraid it might totally destroy the relationship.

[nightwing66]

you should sat him down and have good talk. because, the one important in a communication. if you do not have that. you will not work out. that is one thing in a relationship.

[Asker]

You think so? Im afraid of I tell him this, may put even more stress on him. He already have to take care of his kids, his jobs his personal issues and I try to not letting him take care too much of my own emotions..

[nightwing66]

so he is not for him

[Anonymous]

How often do you see him? He just make time for you so your relationship can work. Tell me a little bit more?

[Asker]

I see him like once every 2 weeks, rarely once every week. He works from 7am -12am almost everyday. I do have a more flexible schedule so I always wait whenever he got time off..