I'm afraid my husband doesn't love me-- he just wants to control me

[Anonymous]

I don't think my husband has ever loved me-- only that he loves "having" me. He controls everything I do, from what I can watch on TV (he won't let me watch anything I want) and if I do watch something when he's not around, he makes fun of me for it. He also tries to control everything I eat, harping on me if I eat a cookie or something-- and he says I eat way more than I actually do.

He won't have sex with me (last time was in December) and he keeps telling me he wants a baby but won't say when -- it's always "it's not the right time". I'm horribly afraid that he's just controlling me and I don't even know it.

He gets so jealous when I talk about other guys (my boss, coworkers, etc...) and often says things like "who are you dressing up for", when I'm just trying to dress professionally for work.

I feel completely disrespected all the time because he refuses to do anything I ask. He won't even throw away crumpled up, used paper towel or Kleenex. He just leaves them on the counter. He also won't ever go to bed when I want to, blares music, leaves the lights on till 1 am, regularly.

I'm contemplating leaving but I can't really make it on my own. I just can't stand this anymore. Am I wrong? Is this treatment justified because he pays all the bills? He doesn't treat me like a partner, just an object.

Your advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

[only-lonely-me]

The problem is him & not you.

I don't know you but I have seen similar situations.

I know I hate those soap opera or soap opera type shows. Look at desperate housewives.

Yikes who would want to live there. They just don't make any sense to me.

Now if you are to watch them when alone that's fine, I could care less.

Controlling what you eat? Strange. Is he in great shape? Is he a health food nut or one that watches everything he eats?

Sex, well probably nothing on the side but he's lost interest because he's been there & done that?

Kids, he probably doesn't really want any & possibly never told you the truth when you were dating . Another reason why he may not want to have sex.

Jealousy, well if he paid more attention to you he wouldn't have anything to worry about.

Why is he jealous? Not sure.

He unfortunately now sees you of more of a maid then his wife. Knowing you'll clean up after him. Why do you?

He could care less if you get a good nights sleep for work & is thinking only of himself.

Your right that does show total disrespect.

I suggest counseling. Keep a journal of all the things he does that show disrespect.

Can you live with someone during a trial separation?

I'm sorry to paint such a bleak picture but as I first wrote I have seen this before & have even written to one girl from this site extensively about a situation such as this.

I want to say that it ended badly but she is no longer a second class citizen anymore.

Please try to get some help. If he's not willing then you have another very tough decision to make.

[Anonymous]

You married him, you knew what he was like, people don't change, if you are tired of it find someone else, you only live once... if you have kids you will be stuck with him

[Anonymous]

Um yeahhh all the signs are there. He is extremely controlling! You can't even eat or watch TV unless he approves? WTF I'm mad at that. You have to gain inner strength and stand up for yourself!

Try to find a close friend or relative you can stay with until you get back on your feet. Even if you have to go back to your mom and dad's, doing that is better than staying with him. You have lost yourself and given up all your power to him. He isn't treating you the way you deserve and there is no reason to be with him any longer. If he is like this now, he will get even worse as time goes on. Was he this bad when you first started dating him?

The worst thing you could possibly do is to get pregnant by this man. Please make sure you do not, you think it's bad now, if you had a child dependent on you your situation would be 10x worse.

Start quietly planning to leave now. Start a secret bank account before you get home from work that only you know about. Withdraw as much money as you can every week and stash. Build emergency money so you can survive without him. Even if you have to downgrade your lifestyle it is worth it. I wish you luck!

[airiver]

You are not wrong...Get the hell out! What a terrible and unhealthy person to be around...Please don't even consider having a child with this idiot! You will figure out a way to make it...get a room mate or whatever but you are in a very disfunctional relationship that is very harmful to you. You are an adult and do not need to "ask" permission for anything...Lean on your family, who I would have a hard time believing they can't see what he's doing, and get away from this "boy", who obviously has some very serious security problems, and go live a beautiful and fulfilling life. There are 3.5 billion men in this world. There is no reason what so ever to SETTLE for an emotionally abusive _ss hole! Be strong. You can do this. Cheers!

[wonderw]

First of all, please use birth control and do not get pregnant now! Is there someone you can talk to, friend or family? Please look into get counseling, your husband does sound controlling and once you pull away from someone like that they can potentially get violent over their loss of "control". If you have no one to talk to and can't afford counseling I would also suggest finding a toll free abuse hotline to call, they may be able to refer you to someone. Although it doesn't sound like he's physically abusing you, from what you have described he is clearly an abusive individual.

[PixelSmile]

Well, I'm only 16 so don't depend on my advice but from what I'm reading it seems he's very controlling. Try talking to him first and if that doesn't work then I guess leave him..

[fezmonki]

Its divorce time. Today. Do it. You don't even have any kids yet in the way thank god, jump ship.