My girlfriend overthinks a lot, any ideas on how I can help her?

[Anonymous]

When she's home alone during the week when she has a day off and I'm at college, my girlfriend tends to find herself overthinking about our previous arguments and problems and makes things worse for herself, which causes us to argue more. Any suggestions of things I could do or say to help this? Please? It kills me to see her in this way..

[timbu2]

Try not to think of it as, she thinks too much. See it for what it is, and talk it through before an argument starts. It sounds like she is questioning the trust between you, which you both are responsible for building and nurturing. That could be either our both of your fault, who knows. Saying she thinks too much, you are immediately dismissing her feelings and the argument starts, which is usually not the best way to communicate. You signed up to be with her, so unless you want to back out, you're gonna have to learn to figure out why her very real to feelings are in conflict here. If you aren't questioning her, then apparently she's doing something right. It could be any number of reasons why she is not feeling reassured, talk it at. Step one, don't ever say she is thinking too much, and run with WE aren't communicating enough. Good luck

[Asker]

I am more than happy to go through anything with her, however rough it may be! She is my everything and I will do everything in my path to sort this! Perhaps I should bring up the fact we don't communicate enough outside of our arguments, thank you for your help!

[timbu2]

I had not read your other responses, where you have mentioned you made some mistakes. Make sure you are patient with this, don't say I never intended to hurt you, instead try to just own up to them and try to show her you understand her feelings and your past actions were not your character, but steps, mistakes into realizing who you want to be, not just for her, but yourself. Ask her to be patient with you and always be ready to talk her through those times she might be thinking she is setting herself up to hurt again. I was married and in love with a manic depressant woman. One thing they do is constantly test your commitment, pushing you to your limits. That's when you wrap your and around them and say I will never give up on us. If you walk away in anger once, you just started back on square one again. Good luck to you and remember, you can't save people, you can only try to help them save themselves.

[Dim1213]

Take her in your arms and tell her how much you love her and give her a loving and long kiss. Make her feel secure in your relationship.

[Asker]

I've tried this too many times, some times it's comforted her, sometimes it hasn't. When it does comfort her, those thoughts last merely a day and it's back to square one..

[Dim1213]

The she is just an insecure person. Try telling her it was what it was then. Your thoughts and opinions might have changes since then.

[Unesjomajo]

I thinks its so so great of you that you actually worry about this and are willing to to do something about it.

To your question: Make lots of positive memories together, go out in nature, camping, to museums, swimming, whatever and take pics as a souvenir. And when she is feeling down you can send her a pic with a cute message and remind her of those nice moments you two shared together.

Your girlfriend sounds like me and this helped me every time.

Good luck!

[Asker]

Thank you for your helpful reply! I have suggested to her reading letters that I've written her, to watch our videos back that we made together, and to also think about our future and the things we have planned, but it seems as if she finds it hard to battle the number of negative thoughts, almost as if she's fighting a losing battle with herself. I seriously believe she's strong enough to overcome these thoughts, however I don't think she believes in herself as she doesn't realise how capable she is..

[Unesjomajo]

Is she depressed? If yes, maybe she should go to a doctor and you can go with her.

[Asker]

She isn't, when she's not overthinking, or the bad thoughts are not in her head, she's the brightest, bubbliest loveliest person anyone could ever meet! There just come times where something small could trigger the bad thoughts and she'd end up overthinking for a few nights straight, which makes things rough for both of us

[Unesjomajo]

Are the bad thoughts always related to you/the relationship?

[Asker]

99.9% yes they are. Usually to do with mistakes I've made or how I've made her feel.. I love her with all my heart, but I've been stupid enough to make mistakes which even babies couldn't makes..

[Unesjomajo]

Oh boy that sounds bad...
I hope they were not too big mistakes...
Did you cheat on her or something like that?

[Asker]

No no no! I'm stupid, but not that stupid! I once admitted that I sometimes found other girls attractive, and with her being quite insecure, she feels as if she'll never be good enough, and that's emotionally scarred her.

[ThatUnknownGirl]

Try to get her to go out with friends during that day or find a hobby to keep her busy. Sometimes people overthink things because they have nothing to keep their mind busy so they think about the past which unfortunately she thinks about the bad instead of the good.

[Asker]

I suppose we could try to find a hobby for her, unfortunately she lacks in friends, so she won't be able to be occupied by them.. I just know she won't be open to any suggestions which I may come out with, it's difficult🙄

[ThatUnknownGirl]

Does she see her family? It sound like she isn't getting a lot of conversations with other people and isn't doing that much that will interest her so that's the only thing for her to think about is what you two talk about. Maybe get her a game to play if she enjoys video games or something to keep her busy and she will just think you bought her a gift 🙂

[Asker]

If her family was home on the days she's at home and I'm away, she wouldn't have this trouble at all. However with her parents working and siblings at school, rarely is anybody home. Buying her a game is a very good idea to be honest, I've not thought of that before. I shall give that one a try!

[ThatUnknownGirl]

The sims if she would like that kind of game would probably keep her on the computer for ages if you have a computer. Or you could get her a multi player game like call of duty or something that interests her and headset if you have a console so she can talk to other people if that's something she would be interested in 🙂

[Asker]

She actually already owns these games, however I know of a few more which she would most definitely enjoy so I will try to get that sorted as soon as possible!

[ThatUnknownGirl]

Ok hopefully it stops her mind from overthinking 🙂

[Mesonfielde]

Well if she starts arguments then the real question is how to stop her from being emotionally abusive

[Asker]

She has reason to argue, I've done a number of wrong things in the past, all mistakes that I've stupidly made. But they've emotionally scarred her and I can't seem to get back from that..

[SovereignessofVamps]

Have you directly apologized for anything?

[Asker]

I've apologised for a number of things, I'm a very forgetful person and have made a number of mistakes over the course of our relationship. I am always trying to improve myself, however some mistakes I make are the things she overthinks about, which could potentially and has done before, put our relationship on thin ice.

[SovereignessofVamps]

I thought it could be that she argued because of pent up emotion. But if you apologize then... it sounds like she just starts drama.

[Asker]

She has a lot of emotion within her, medication also adding up the hormones and emotion levels which do not help, but I have unfortunately given her a number of things to be mad and upset about, I'm someone who makes a number of mistakes which has led to the majority fo our arguments..

[SovereignessofVamps]

What kinds of mistakes?

[Asker]

Too many to name. The worst one was that I admitted that I found some girls attractive. But the situation we was in at the time was the worst time possible, she was upset about her insecurities and felt she'll never be good enough. Soon after I for some reason said that shit and that's what's affected her most. It kills her..

[SovereignessofVamps]

You don't srsly believe that?