Why does he talk to me like that??

I am in a relationship with a man who I truly love and he tells me he loves me all the time and his actions tell me that he loves me as well, however sometimes when we are talking on the phone he gets short with me or he raises the tone of his voice to me and sometimes talks down to me as if I were a child. I tell him not to talk to me like that but the thing is he does realize that he is doing it. So when he starts to talk to me that way I tell him not to and he just gets louder and says that he isn't... The way he talks to me really hurts me because it makes me feel like he doesn't respect me... What should I do?

UPDATE: We are doing much better now, we talked about the way he talks to me and I can tell that he is truly trying to work on the tone of his voice. I know that it is not easy but that fact that he is willing to try makes the world of difference.


Most Helpful Girl

  • If he loves you, your feelings would be important to him. And even if he doesn't realize what he's doing, he would want to learn to understand it.

    Is it a "normal communication problem"? Maybe-- especially if he really doesn't realize how he is talking to you. But my biggest problem with your story, is that when you tell him not to talk to you that way, he "gets louder and says that he isn't". Maybe his experience is that he is trying to communicate and isn't shouting, but you need to honor *your* experience-- and he should respect your feelings. HE IS NOT RESPECTING YOU when he gets mad at you for asking him to speak with you differently. Frustrated, would perhaps, be understandable. But that does not excuse *any* hurtful language (including tone, intended or unintended).

    I've been in abusive relationships in the past, and they both started exactly the way that you are describing. It is worth trying to work out, and Slyguy did have some good tips about waiting until things are cooler, and saying things like "it hurts me when". You need to stay true to YOUR experience, and that means not accusing, or making assumptions about HIS intentions. Make sure that you use "I messages" when you communicate, like this "I feel ____ when you _____ because ______ I want/need you to ______", for example, "I feel disrespected when you speak to me with the tone that you used this afternoon, because I felt that you were short with me and didn't really listen to what I had to say. I really need you to try to be more aware of the way you speak to me, and if you are getting annoyed or something, I need you to express that in a different way."

    The way that the boys have responded also concerns me. They are supporting the type of behavior that both men and women should reject (sometimes guys are ass holes and gals are bitches and that's just the way things are is a horrible attitude! It accepts immaturity and abusive behavior from both parties). Don't let stereotypes about what a "Man" or a "Woman" is/should be limit the expectations you have for one another. You shouldn't accept him being heavy handed, possessive, or inconsiderate (aka an "ass hole") just because that's "guy stuff" anymore than he should expect you to be manipulative, suspicious, and shrill because that's "girl stuff" (aka a "bitch"). Both types of behavior are unacceptable from anyone, male, female, or alternative gender identifying individuals.

    You both need to EXPECT RESPECT from one another. Right now, it seems like you aren't expecting respect from him. You deserve it. And he deserves it from you too. Be sure that you aren't snapping at him yourself in response to his tone. Talk to him the way you want him to talk to you. Start to teach him by example, and through I-Messages how to speak with you. If he doesn't start catching on, GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. You deserve someone who will work WITH YOU. and RESPECT you, your feelings, and your experience.


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What Guys Said 2

  • you shouldnt do anything big. he is a man in the end of the day and he cares for you. if he is showing you all the love and respect you need and treating you well then small things like that shouldnt bother you. Once a guy loves a girl she becomes a child, a friend, a lover and even a sister to him.. I'm surprised you are seeking for help for something that small... We do yell at times we are loud at times and we are cocky at times. That doesn't mean your a child, neither that we don't respect you, nor that we don't love you. No one is perfect and if he is talking down to you maybe you gotta listen at times and see what's his point of view instead of focusing on the way he is talking to you. If your acting right then he wouldn't be talking like that. Consider those too, Girls are not always right.

    Noone is better than the other in a relationship.

    Good luck

    • Right On!!

    • It's not small to people who are very sensitive to words. I would rather a guy never say "I love you" than for him to speak to me in a nasty tone, but I am a rare case of preferences because I am very sensitive to tone of voice and a kind voice happens to be an important characteristic to me.

  • I got to agree with t1989.

    There are sometimes when girls act the exact same ways, you know what time I'm talking about. Not to repeat his whole post but hey if he is showing you all the love and affection you say he is, then he's just being a guy. Sometimes we are as*holes, sometimes girls are bit*hes it happens. If he loves you as much as he says he loves you and its not every single day of the week every single time you talk to him or see him.

    Just a suggestion though, when he does it don't call him out right then and there, trust me that will make it WORSE! Discuss it later, and perhaps don't use the don't talk to me like that tone that sometimes set us off. Say something like it really hurts me when you act like that, but again wait till the situation is calmed down not right in the heat of things.

    Sounds like normal communication problems that 100% of all relationships have. Nothing at all to be concerned about.

    But yea +1 to t1989.


What Girls Said 8

  • My guy treats me like that too. He tells me it's because he's just genuinely happy to talk to me, and that's how he is.

    if he doesn't stop when you gently tell him his actions hurt you, here's something that could work:

    if he talks to you like this all the time, get together with him and a couple of your friends. If he starts to treat you like a kid, your friends will notice. (beforehand, tell your friends to be on the lookout for this. Tell them to give him a little nudge into place if they notice).

  • Idea #1: get a voice recorder or use your phone to record what he sounds like then play it back. Idea #2: Do the same sh*t back to him and see how he responds. Sometimes people need to see or hear what they sound like before they get a clue. You could also condition him to stop by doing something annoying every time he acts that way. Or, instead of saying something to him, walk away and leave him by himself. Go somewhere for a couple of hours and return later with no explanation. Make an annoying noise or if there's something you do that he really enjoys stop doing it. Telling him about his issue isn't working so you need to take some action.

  • tbh with you I wouldn't be to worried. that's just the way he is he obviously can't help it and its just his reaction I wouldn't do anything just say " calm down please" or phone him when he calms down

  • ithink he's treating you that way cz he cares about you sometimes guys treats girlz as a child cz they care about them and love them but if its really bothering you tell him not 2 cz its hurting you and avoid what makes him mad and you should actually listen to his point of view he may be right when your wrong .. best wishes xD

  • get out of that relationship ASAP. It starts with the voice and it gets worse... Just get out now!

    • Ur so ignorant...

    • Show All
    • You're a teenage girl? Shocking, I wouldn't have figured that out otherwise

    • I agree with this in a small way. It's not necessarily going to lead to something else but in rare cases it can. Like my father, for instance. Mean voice / Yelling / Arguing / Fighting / Hitting / Jail. It stems from anger. But once again it is rare that it can escalate that far.

  • It sounds like he has a serious attitude problem. If you have drawn his attention to it before and it has not stopped, it probably will not stop any time soon.

  • Check out www.AdoreMeDating.com

  • I was in a realtionship with a guy who still does the exact same thing. My ex seems to have these"mood swings" all the time. But no it isn't a loving thing, it is a control thing. My ex was psychologically abusive and still is(we have a son) to me. He does this becasue you aren't agreeing with what he wants or wanted you to day or do. I would tell him to stop doing this and treating you this way or you'll leave him.

    Other comments say that he must care about you. I understand the type of thing they're referring to but from what you say it sounds like my situation. It really is a control thing and you will only feel worse. I was so afraid to even speak to him that I would feel nautious and severe anxiety because I might make him mad.