Are romantic partners supposed to be completely transparent to each other?

[reixun]

With text messages, thoughts and everything

Yes

No

I don't know m8

[ak666]

I can't operate in a completely transparent way. I need my independence and my privacy, even for her own sake.

For example, how am I supposed to surprise her on her birthday without any hint of privacy whatsoever? She'll know the gift I bought in advance, will see the receipts, she'll see the text messages I sent to my friends to arrange the surprise party, etc. etc.

A relationship without any privacy and joined completely at the hip sounds incredibly unsatisfying to me.

I believe in trust. That implies that the relationship isn't 100% transparent, since otherwise trust would be unnecessary. And I believe in building that trust not through increasing and increasing levels of transparency, but by strengthening the bond between the couple, through love and devotion.

Last but not least, there's the need for tactfulness towards girls. I've yet to meet a single girl who could operate on blunt honesty alone with no level of sensitivity towards how such unfiltered thoughts would make her feel. I don't think I could manage either so well if a girl just spoke her completely unfiltered opinions and thoughts about me all the time with no regard for how it would make me feel either.

[Matt21]

not 100% transparency.
I believe you absolutely have to be transparent where it counts about important issues that are relevant to the relationship.

If for example I was planning a surprise it would be completed acceptable to not be transparent. Also if for example I went through a great deal of effort to cook my girl a meal and asked her how it was. Even if it tastes like shit she might say that it was great because she knows I took pride in it.

I know it sounds wrong to say but sometimes white lies are perfectly acceptable since they benefit the other person or protect their emotions.

[lumos]

This is very true. Also, here's another possible scenario where full transparency is a bad idea:
Say that your ex messaged you last night and told you that they miss you. You don't have any feelings for your ex. You don't plan on ever replying to the message. You know your partner gets jealous easily. Would it really be a good idea to let your partner know? No. They would most likely just get jealous, even though you have no interest in responding to the message. It could end up hurting them, it could even escalate and turn into an argument. In a situation like that, where your ex and the message they sent don't mean anything to you, it would make more sense to not tell your partner. It's a non-issue that could just hurt your partner if they took it the wrong way.

[Matt21]

honestly, in this situation, I think I would tell him.

this really isn't a big deal and if he ever found out that you tried to hide it from him it would be suspicious and hurt more than the actual message itself...

just explain the truth, you received this message but have no intention of responding and he has nothing to worry about.

[lumos]

Oh it was a hypothetical scenario, hasn't happened to me personally. I just feel like it would be unnecessary, in a situation like that, to mention it.

[Matt21]

I guess it would depend on the details for that one in my opinion

[kaylaS91]

yeah, I think that being completely open with your s/o is pretty important for a good relationship. I always tell my boyfriend within a few hours whenever another guy at the gym has approached me and/or messaged me on FB, for example. He doesn't really hang out/interact with any other girls as he's doing a degree in physics/math but he holds himself to the same standards.

I mean.. if either party has anything that they're making a conscious effort to hide from their s/o, that doesn't bode well for the relationship, right from the get-go.

[lumos]

I don't think so. You still have a right to your own privacy. You don't have to tell your partner EVERYTHING, as long as you're not hiding important information or doing shady shit behind their back. Full transparency in relationships would be impossible, and quite frankly I'd argue that it could even be harmful in the long run (would leave more room for misunderstandings and pointless arguments).

[Salohcin22]

how would the extra communication leave room for misunderstandings? that seems pretty un-intuitive to me.

[Salohcin22]

wouldn't it be the opposite? (gosh I wish I could edit comments, 5+ years and GaG still doesn't have it)

[lumos]

@Salohcin22 in the sense that your partner might take things very personally or become jealous if you let them know about every single detail. Like the fact that someone hit on you at the bar. That your ex contacted you out of the blue. That some girl in your class has been messaging you quite a lot lately, even if it's mostly been just about school stuff. If your partner is kind of insecure or has a tendency to become jealous, that sort of information might make things worse. Even if you're not doing anything wrong; like you're not planning on talking to your ex, you're not planning on going home with some random person from the bar and you're not planning on talking about deeper stuff with that one classmate. Those things might seem pointless to you but if you keep talking about them with your partner, they might start to take those things a bit too personally.

[lumos]

@Salohcin22 plus if you keep talking about stuff like that, they might think you're doing it on purpose just to make them jealous/mad. Which is obviously hurtful.

[vishna]

To an extent, if it becomes slave like or full of pressure, then no. But they should be honest and transparent with each other. However, I also think it's smart to not make someone upset over nothing (cheating once but promising it will never happen again is not nothing) haha. So, it's a mix, 95% transparent though.

[OlderAndWiser]

No one wants to be completely transparent to their partner. I don't want my partner seeing me when I am sitting on the throne. :) I don't want her watching when I am cleaning myself in anticipation of frolic time. I don't want her to know every time that I get slightly aggravated with something she has said or done; it's not a big deal to me and will soon pass.

Romantic partners are supposed to be respectful of each other and they should be honest, but that means don't tell lies. It doesn't mean expose your partner to your stream of consciousness.

[MazeOfLove]

From a relationship coaches perspective I say yes and it depends on how we define transparency.

Transparency as in we tell our SO all of our deepest darkest secrets, let them have access to all of our social media accounts and let them check all of our e-mails and texts? Uh, no. That leaves absolutely no room for someone to have an outlet of any kind. And we all need outlets. We also need people we can talk to and run things by, specifically as it pertains to our relationship with our partner.

[Maxenios]

No. I'm true and honest and won't cover things up , but some things I just don't share with everyone, and not every friend (romantic or not) is eligible for the same thoughts, the same intellectual or emotional level, or the same kinds of private matters and intimacy.
Sure, I value that person but I'm pretty sure I don't know everything about them either. Some thoughts may never leave my head.
I may still open up to them and share almost everything with them, but it shouldn't be a requirement for being their friend/partner. Nor would I expect my friend/partner to tell me about every aspect of their past, their thoughts. They may just not want to talk about it (yet or at all) and that's good enough for me.

[Chico_brah]

I don't know how it's supposed to be but I'm pretty transparent with most everything I do in general. Girlfriend has messed around on my phone plenty of times. She's seen our chat. Even talked to red one time briefly. We even troll some of the people that will come on to me or her together aha. She has seen me on gag. I really have nothing to hide. She is the same way. I've messed around on her phone before laughing at her pics. Seen some of the creepy ass dudes that message her on social media.

[reixun]

What would you say about a woman deliberately deleting messages with her friends because her boyfriend reads them *all*?

[Chico_brah]

Well I'd say both are in the wrong. Girlfriend is obv up to no good if she has to hide msgs with her friends. Boyfriend is ridiculously overbearing to be reading all of her messages with suspicion. Sounds like a shit relationship tbh.

[reixun]

Ikr 😂 well that's about my friend and the messages are weird jokes that are funny to us but are considered "bad" and "sinful" by her future pastor of a boyfriend. Glad u agree though, I think it's a shit relationship too

[Chico_brah]

Sounds dumb af. Convince your friend to breakup with him lol.

[Cosytoasty]

Lol @ the guys voting no and the girls voting yes.

Fwiw I voted no, I think both sides should be transparent as far as not doing anything shady. But I'd never let my girlfriend have full access to my phone, I have some convos on there that are between me and the other person (no nothing sexual).

[Salohcin22]

what if your girlfriend never asked but you gave up your phone in case she wanted to look through it? Is it that you don't want her reading certain conversations which are private to you or you have something to hide that you think isn't a big deal but she might?

[Cosytoasty]

@Salohcin22 Just certain convos where i've said i'd be confidential about it, some of them are from my own cousins (for example).

As for the second thing, my girlfriend already knows i talk to other girls, i wouldn't bother hiding some harmless flirting from her.

[Salohcin22]

@Coytoasty

ohh ok, was just curious. Everyone should have the right to privacy I was just wondering your situation.

[madhatters4]

i don't know if you need to have 100% transparency. like expressing every single thing you feel and think. but you should have absolute trust that they are being honest and open on everything that needs to be disclosed and trust that they aren't keeping things from you that should be known

[TripleAce]

Anything is significant yea. And you know what is significant --> as in something he would want to know and you should tell VS something that can just ignored

We almost always know... if you're asking then it means you feel guilty

[Ephemera1]

Not from what I experienced last night, no. There are certain limits especially when someone is in a state of vulnerability.

[AleDeEurope]

100%? No, but they should be as transparent as possible. You always gotta keep something for yourself.

[Nightinggale]

Whats ur profile pic from mate?

[AleDeEurope]

@Nightinggale Best hockey team, aka, the Chicago Blackhawks. I'm offended you didn't know that >.>

[Nightinggale]

I don't keep up with any sports haha :D

[AleDeEurope]

@Nightinggale I'm even more offended now >:(

[Nightinggale]

Well calm yo tits bruhh

[AleDeEurope]

@Nightinggale Did you just assume I have tits?

[Nightinggale]

Oh shit! Umm... no.

[Wingedz]

img.memesuper.com/...what-to-do-memes_800-797.jpeg

[Angelzplay85]

What does that mean? I like honesty. I like being able to know whats going on. So i know whether to stay or get gone.

[coolbreeze]

If only they connect on every levels. Then it depends on the type of romantic relationship it is and what they got and have.

[Anonymous]

I said yes because for the vast for most stuff but I'm not gonna drill my boyfriend. trusting that he's not doing something shitty is just as important as us being transparent with eachother

[Opinion Owner]

Haha I meant to say "for most stuff"

[TheSwedishGuy]

It was so hard for me not to vote C just because of the "m8".

...
Actually I ended up voting C

[Anonymous]

Depends on the partners in question. In my relationship yes. I think it's important to find someone who thinks the same way you do about it.

[alice55]

Not always, I think everyone deserve privacy even if they're in a relationship.

[Nightinggale]

No. That's impossible for one. And if someone feels the need to know someones every thought they are wayyyy too insecure.

[Anonymous]

Yes but most people are afraid of transparency, truth and consequence.

[guy366]

I believe so. in my opinion lack of transparency from my ex girlfriend is what killed the relationship.

[Anonymous]

transparency = drama.
Be transparent if you want drama :)

[Salohcin22]

what? how is transparency drama?