Is this an emotional affair?

[Anonymous]

Two people who once had a physical/emotional affair. Woman is still married to the husband she cheated on, the guy has a partner of several years (they weren't together at the time of the affair). They text often but have no physical contact, due to distance. Her husband is unaware of the continued contact via texting.

There's no flirting or love/sex talk in their texting. No emotion at all to see at least not from the man's side. The woman is very open and easy in her texting. Lots of LOLs and awwws and emoticons. She's just there, listening. Lots of childish banter between them. Her husband and the man's partner are rarely mentioned apart from when there's a reason for it. The man says some negative things about his partner, a few things that have irritated him about her. No name calling but "Partner is always doing x" Not major things the partner has done wrong, just minor irritations. He also overshares personal information about her/their relationship. The other woman just lets him say these things, she doesn't challenge him about anything.

They're just friends apparently. Yes, the woman was still obsessed with the guy even for a while when he was first dating his new partner but she got over it eventually and now they're friends. When confronted by the man's partner the other woman starts to shit-stir and tell her things she didn't know. This causes huge drama. Neither one wants to stop contact either, despite the ongoing drama and pain it's causing the guy's partner. She is not sure what to do, apart from tell the woman's husband or leave.

Would you consider this an emotional affair, given the previous history and ongoing secrecy? Even though there's no obvious flirting or sexual goings on between them?

[AskAlthea]

Yes, I would say this is an emotional affair. Especially on the heels of a previous physical/emotional affair.

An emotional affair is when one partner is secretly channeling emotional energy, time, and attention into someone other than their partner. He is certainly turning to her for emotional support (to be there for him when he's having difficulties with his wife), they're both secretly spending time and attention on someone else other than their partner. An emotional affair doesn't have to be flirting/sexual, it's the emotional intimacy that is built between the two.

[Asker]

That's exactly it - his texting time with this woman is time he could be putting into making *me* feel secure in our relationship and getting to know me better, not chatting to some married woman he used to screw...

[AskAlthea]

Have you talked to him about it? If he's willing to make this marriage work, I think he should be willing to cut off communication with her. It's not an unreasonable ask since he cheated on you with her, it's not like it's just some innocent friend.

[Asker]

Yes, many times. We're not married though. She is the married one, who had an affair with my boyfriend before we were together (although they might have still been involved not long before we actually met). But yes she's not an innocent friend or even a high school girlfriend getting in touch after many years, which I wouldn't mind. She's obsessed with him, or at least she was (judging from things I've seen onine she saw him as a soulmate or something). But still she chose to stay with her husband when the shit hit the fan so. She's just one of those horrible women who can wrap another man around their finger and enjoys trying to come between couples. But she's very subtle and my boyfriend doesn't see it at all :(

[Asker]

Online, not onine

[MrsWrong2061]

Yes it's emotional affair if there is secrets. They must have some special connection if they don't want to let each other go.

[Asker]

He said he "thinks he knows her in the spirit realm". I said well that's no excuse for hurting people in the here and now. I also mentioned emotional affairs - that a lot of guys think affairs are only physical but that's not true. I said that often people who are caught in affairs think their connection is 'special' and 'different' and that they are 'soul mates' but this is because they are in the Affair Fog. I told him she'd been using him as an emotional crutch (a mutual friend who has met this woman told me the same thing). I told him I'd nearly broken up with him because of it. He seemed surprised at that and said that it had been inappropriate for him to do that, he understands that now.

So, hopefully I'm slowly getting through to him.

[Fullbucket]

Yes. The fact they're even messaging this person still after what took place is a major breach of trust as is.

[Asker]

It's just getting him to understand that it's wrong. I think because of the distance between them he thinks it's fine. But it's not fine.