Why is my boyfriend looking at other women and how do I get over it?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for years, and already I know that means we're pretty solid. But he's never been the type to check other women out or objectify. However, recently it's become a bit of an issue. Yesterday is case in point, a girl walks down the road and granted even I noticed her, since she was dressed provocatively, and my boyfriend stares at her for a good 20 seconds whilst we were waiting in the car at a junction. I saw him doing it out of his peripherals but he refuses to admit it. My issue is the length of time he looked at this girl and his attempt to disguise it, maybe he just didn't want his ass kicked. He claims not to 'check people out', but I'm not naive. Now I just feel like it means I'm not good enough/not what he wants and also I feel like I should just get over it since everyone claims it's just a guy thing. But it's really hurt my feelings and I feel bad about myself now as a result.

markml · Accepted Answer

You should make a comment whenever you see him checking out other women. Not something ridiculing, but just something that will make him aware that you notice him checking out other women.

Like when you saw that girl who was dressed provocatively, you could be like, "Look at the way she's dressed."

If you say something like that every time you see him checking out other women, he'll become much more conscious of what he's doing and probably do it less.

Try not to act too jealous or make too big a deal about it, because high levels of jealousy are not particularly attractive. I also agree with shadley12345's answer. You can make your point in a joking way, showing that even though it offends you a little, you still have a sense of humor about it.

Some of the other guys here are being kind of jerks, acting like it's your fault for blaming him. I see two sides to this. One is that this is a very minor crime at most, although I wouldn't say there's nothing wrong with it.

In the ideal world, all other women besides you would be completely invisible to your guy. I'm sure that's what most women would want, and as a guy, I'd like the same thing too. But the reality is that no one is perfect. Before he met you, he was attracted to other women, and so it's a lot to expect that he'd no longer be attracted to any other woman. There may have been a period of time where he was paying so much attention to you, that he didn't even notice other women. If that's the case, then you're a very lucky person. Not all women get that. Look at it like that.

Right now, you have to accept that you're not the only woman in the world he's attracted to, but if at the end of the day, he'd still choose you over all those other women, then that's what really matters. This is where trust comes into your relationship. You have to believe that you and him share something special that none of those other women could provide him. Yes, even the best guys do objectify women sometimes. It's not something we should be proud of. Intelligent gentlemen know the difference between a lady and a tramp, but there can still be a physical aspect to attraction that's hard to overcome even if our minds know better.

The other side of this of course is that as guys we should try to be better. So the guys who say they have a right to "window shop" have a really bad attitude. Guys shouldn't be trying to window shop, but you shouldn't be trying to keep him on a leash either...does that make sense?

In this situation, the best thing you can do is keep cool, don't get too offended by it, understand that guys aren't perfect, but don't completely ignore it either.

bersaba · Accepted Answer

1: Why does he do it? Because he's a male

2: "But he's never been the type to check other women out or objectify" Yes, he has been, he's just been hiding it better.

3: Why is it more noticable? Because he probably feels more comfortable around you after years of going out, and so feels 'safe' to look without pretending not to.

4: In much the same way when you first started going out, he probably was trying to glance down your top every chance he could without you noticing. See point 1.

5: I honestly don't think females 'get' just how trigger happy male sexuality is. Females tend to think a guy sees a female, then thinks "I'm single, so I can look to see if she's attractive" then we look. No, it's more like this. "Boobs. And they're attacted to a female that's good looking. And, hey did anyone catch me looking? I hope my girlfriend whom I love didn't see that".

Now, how do you respond?

Option 1: Consider it a personal attack in that something is wrong with you, get annoyed, angry, and wish he stopped. This really won't work.

Option 2: Ignore it entirely, and it'll continue to happen and, despite knowing why, you'll still be annoyed.

Option 3: Talk to him and say "hey, you can look, but make sure you look at me too". That way he won't feel attacked, but he should "get the hint" that you want to feel appreciated.

Look. I know I might sound like an overcrazed pig from what I wrote above, but really, that's how ALL guys are. Every single guy I know, single, married, dating, every single one... when a pretty girl is nearby all look. Wear a lot cut top and ride on a bus one day and you'll see what I mean.

It's not that we're intentionally looking to hurt a girls feelings.

And it's not that we're thinking "she's better looking then my partner"

That's not how it works at all. It's just body parts we notice without even a thought passing.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Don't worry. He's just looking for material to whack off to. Or to picture he's having sex with when he's with you.

And all of that "it's natural" stuff, total bullsh*t. Y'know what, it was also natural for men to take a dump whenever and wherever they got the urge, in Neanderthal days, but somehow we've made it to the point of repressing THAT socially unacceptable act. Men, if you're going to claim it's in your nature to ignore the feelings of your girlfriend when it comes to behavior you CAN control, then you're basically labeling yourself as ignorant assholes completely lacking in self-control who don't deserve the women who put up with you.

As for claiming "women look too!", yes, the ones who are bored with their relationships do, because they just don't care about the fragile male ego of their partner anymore. I know if I "notice" a hot guy walking down the street, I make every effort to keep my eyes on my guy because I know it would bother him. Just because women are emotionally stronger doesn't mean you get to do whatever you please with no attention to consequence.

I don't know why Google sent me to this site. Most men that actually respond to relationship questions like this are retarded, and no one should be asking them anything that doesn't have to do with a car or sports, or how hot Megan Fox is. Especially not about relationships.

Anyway, none of your self esteem needs to come from him, but it is annoying that he does it. I would trust your instinct, and even though he denies it, be adamant about the solution you want. Do you want him not to look when you're around, do you want some compensation for the fact that it bothers you, or do you just want him to admit to it in the first place?

I know when I catch mine and he denies it, that's what bothers me the most. He makes it out to be that I'm the one looking for hot girls FOR him to check out, which is just obnoxious. But, then again, I'll usually just chock most of his "stares" up to "you look at a lot of people in a day", just to make myself feel better. I mean, check yourself. Half the people that catch my peripheral attention in a day aren't even good looking.

lost-angel · Accepted Answer

Maybe there is something lacking in the relationship. Like, he is not as sweet as he used to be, or he doesn`t give you the attention he used to, and so him looking at other girls is making you feel really insecure, when deep down you know it means nothing. Don`t you notice attractive men? When you do do you think about leaving your boyfriend for him?

Anyways, I think what you should do is start taking care of yourself, to make yourself feel pretty. Find something that will help boost your confidence. Maybe work out, or eat healthy, or buy new make up, or get a make over, a new hair style, buy new clothes - clothes that make you feel sexy... Just do something that will make you feel like a different person, a person you could look at in the mirror and say, damn she`s hot. If it`s not looks, then set a goal and accomplish it. (For me, accomplishing something boosts my self esteem. Because I do get insecure too. WHen it`s really bad, I usually change my hair style, or do my nails, or buy new clothes. It usually helps)

When you start focusing on yourself more, you won`t feel too insecure and it won`t bother you so much when he looks at other girls. Also, remind yourself that he is with you, and he is just looking. I notice attractive men, and women too. It really annoys my friends, and boyfriend (or ex, whatever) because I get distracted a lot. But it doesn't mean I want to date any of them. I just admire their beauty.

I used to get really jealous when my exex would look at other girls, so I talked to him about it, hoping it would fix it. But it didn`t. It just made it worse. I just started feeling insanely insecure, and knowing that he knew made it harder for me.

So try focusing on your body, and flaunt your assets. Because when YOU feel sexy, people around you will see it. And another thing that helps insecurity is when people start checking you out. I know its lame, but it really helps.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

talk to him about it and make sure that he understands that you were hurt by what he did and how he denyed it.  Trust with a boyfriend/girlfriend is the key thing and if you talk over your feelings with each other it just makes your feelings towards each other much more stronger to know what's acceptable and what's not. But do not put yourself down because of what he said, tell him straight and you must be good enough because you have been together for years and are solid.  Always remember who you are and that's all that matters and love who you are. :)

MeeshMosh · Answer

Guys will always look. It's unrealistic to think otherwise. The problem really isn't his looking, but his lack of honesty. I mean, cmon, I was with a man I loved for years, but that didn't mean I didn't appreciate a good butt or two on other guys! My guy didn't really have one. BUT I would NEVER want to go home with anyone but my then boyfriend.

So rest assured, it doesn't mean he necessarily wants to leave you and go after another girl. And looking is normal. Now the lying. How did you confront him? Did you just call him out. "OMG why where you looking at her!" or "I saw you looking." Or did you float into it? "OK, OK, so do I need to buy a shirt like that, now?" The latter would have shown you are OK with it. That you trust him and understand. And it brings YOU into the fantasy. Beacuse now he's picturing YOU in the outfit. But jumping on his case means he's in trouble, and he's a guy and he's gonna lie to get out of it.

Sit him down. Tell him it's not so much the looking as the being sketchy about it. If he trusts that you aren't going to go nuts because he's having a normal, innocent look, he may be more honest about it, and may even include you.

I guess the advice is try the other way. Next time you catch him looking say something funny, like, pick out a piece of her outfit that would look good on you and put yourself in it out loud. "Am I gonna have to buy those jeans?" and wink at him. And smile, genuinely. If he goes along with it, awesome, and then maybe you can point out how it's not hte looking but the lying that bothers you. If he flat out lies again? Call him out. Tell him it's the lying.

leilainlove · Answer

Guys are visual. Don't take it personally; my boyfriend of 3 years still does this sometimes. It's not a reflection of how much he loves you. It's more like how if there's a car crash that happens on the street next to us, we're all going to wheel around and gawk for as long as we can. It's just like that for boys. He's just staring because it's something new happening in front of him, and if her boobs are falling out of her shirt than that's especially not fair for him, he has no choice but to look in case they do fall out lol. Boys like looking at girls, don't hold it against him.

I'm not going to give useless advice like try to get over it, because that's not really helpful. However, try to think of it as an instinct guys have. Plus you have the opportunity to be an awesome girlfriend and just make fun of him for it but still allow him to do it. Don't let him feel he has to disguise his glances; if he becomes trained to be secretive at this, what else could he learn to hide from you, you know?

Also, telling him that if he's allowed to look at provocatively dressed women, then you should be allowed to look at sexy men walking down the street too. Couldn't hurt if he gets a taste of his own medicine :P.

Good luck!

TimeAndTimeAgain · Answer

1) You shouldn't feel as though you're not good enough, just because he checks other girls out. That has nothing to do with it AT ALL!

2) Just because he's staring at other girls, doesn't mean they are prettier than you, not does it mean he's lost interest in the way you look.

3) You have every right to get mad at your boyfriend for straight up staring at another girl for more than 2 seconds when he is with you. It's extremely disrespectful, and you can let him know you aren't going to tolerate it. Tell him that if he's gonna do that even while you're around, you're not gonna feel like going out anymore. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying to break up with him over this, but just the next time he asks you if you want to go somewhere, tell him you don't because he's just gonna end up staring at other girls and making you look insignificant. Say it like that, and he's gonna feel guilty the next time he decides to stare at another girl while you're there.

girlbehindthechair · Answer

Ok, get some self-confidence right away, he looks at other women, you look at other men, and if you don't then you should take your blinders off. Admiring other people than the one you are with is just a human charectoristic. Don't worry about it, he's in the car with you right? You're going out with him right? Then don't worry. Women who constantly worry about their man cheating or being promiscuous, can worry whether it happens or not, it's just going to ruin your day. You have to just stop worrying about it, and see how much better that's going to make you feel! It is a very hard lesson, but a good one for that matter.

DB_217 · Answer

we will allways check other women out.. it is our nature to domanate, when we are with a girl and we get caught of course we will lie about it if your our girlfriends we don't want the is she prettier then me question or get in a fight over it. Best thing I can say Who did he sleep with last night. Who is he with right now. That's who he wants to be with. I am saying YOU is who he wants to be with he is with you right. It is just natural for a guy to check out a girl we can't help it really we can't even when we try not to look it makes us want to look more. Yes, get over it every guy your with will check out another women but it is if he goes for the other women you should worry about. That will only happen when things are bad in the realationship.

Jonny_ · Answer

You should tell him it upsets you that he does it so openly. There is no proper way to get a guy to stop it, almost every guy does it. I don't do it when I have a girlfriend, but to be honest I don't get out much. I spend most my time in my house watching TV or online. So that's probably the reason I'm used to go going around with a parter and not look at anyone else. Since I'm not really used to seeing other girls or people other than her. Which suits me fine, I'd not have it any other way to be honest.

m3TALchick · Answer

I wouldn't worry about it. He was looking not touching. Its normal as human beings to stare. My boyfriend does it and I'm not gonna lie, I do it to. As long as he treats you like a queen and loves you more and more everyday you have not thing to worry about. I wouldn't be jealous of something dressing like a whore, that's for damn sure. It would make me kinda happy actually that I don't need to dress like that to get a man. I would actually feel kinda bad for her.

DegenDen · Answer

The bottom line is this: Girls will eventually always look at other guys and guys will always eventually look at other girls. If you can't accept this fact you're lying to yourself.

In your case he has gotten comfortable enough to take these chances. At the begining he was probably so into you that he didn't want to hurt you and could control himself. Now that its been 3 years the comfort is there and there is a possibility the spark is fading or he's losing interest.

He is wondering what its like to f*** other girls at this point and has been wondering for a long time. I'm sure he still has feelings for you but they aren't as strong as they used to be. This is natural and happens to every married couple out there.

If you're planning on getting married soon I would have a sit down with him. I guarantee you will eventually do this as well whether it is soon or further down the road. That's how people are hardwired.

Trihill · Answer

first off, if things are really going well, the average guy thinks about sex in whatever form about 2-300 times a day...you might want to give him some slack...now, if this is a daily problem, then there may be something wrong with your relationship if you don't already know

you should talk about it and how it's bothering you...maybe you should plan your get-togethers at places where the chances of that happening is less likely or you may just want be more provocative in your attire with him to distract him to you more

BadAnna · Answer

You and every other women with a guy under 40. I deal with this too. Normally he argues that , I'm just jealous or a glance isn't "checking out". Scantly dressed females are hard to ignore for a hot blooded young man. Do not back down! Lots of older women say ,Oh he can't help it, yeah right! Understand it is hard and it is something he needs to work on if he cares about you! Address it calmly,let him know how it makes you feel. Explain to him that all he did was give the girl a big head and knock you down. No way to get action in the sac. Don't feel bad about yourself, it's like instinct for them and takes time to fully let their small man brain know they no longer need to look...probably couldn't have it anyway, especially if youre' already with someone. Forgive him, but don't accept this behavior..just expect it and call him out when he does it. Also pay attention to the clothing the female is wearing and get yoursef something similar. It helps.

Taken-lady · Answer

maybe I see things way differently than others but this is my take...

If there's a woman dressed like trash, I stare too. I'm amazed at what some folks will wear...and then I feel sorry for them too. They can't respect themselves much...but I digress.

After you both have had a good look. Say what's on your mind. Wow...she likes to show off her boobs doesn't she. (or whatever) When you get dialog started you can find out what's on his mind. If he says he likes it when girls dress that way ask what he'd think if you did. Most guys are smart enough not to want men oogling their girl so he'll likely say no.

Don't make too much out of this, especially when you just have this one thing to go on. It's much better to see what he sees and talk about it!

Anonymous · Answer

We all check out people. Sure even I do it. But remember he is with you and even though he looks at other girls, it has no bearing on your relationship, unless you make an issue out of it which you are doing. It is obvious that it is making you feel insecure with him. You do need to take a breath and step back and take it easy. It is not a guy thing, everyone checks people out.

You should not feel bad about it at all. As I said you are with him, these girls are not. You are good enough and you should not think to deeply about it. People stare for how ever length of time it takes for them. There is no time limit. But you do need to talk with him about how uncomfortable it is making you feel and that you feel less important because of it. I don't think he is aware of how much it is affecting you and I think if he loves, cares and respects you then he will stop, curb what he is doing.

But you do need to let him know again.

starbucksaddict14 · Answer

This is what my best friend always says:

"Just because I ordered, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."

It's natural for anyone to look at someone of the opposite sex... I mean hell if I'm with my boyfriend and I see a good looking guy I can't help but check HIM out, but I'll do it secretly so that my boyfriend doesn't get the wrong idea.

And even though I do look at other guys- guess what. I love my boyfriend and definitely would never leave him for another guy, no matter how good looking.

But the mistake is accusing him as strongly as you are... Because he's not going to just not look at people.. you know? :(

minnie12 · Answer

Men and women are just different.  Men are more visual and I think that many times they don't even think about what they are doing at the time - its really not conscious.  Yes it can be very irritating but if he is good to you in other ways and doesn't physically cheat or flirt with other women then it is something you might have to let slide.  After many years of this happening I'm more likely to just tease them and laugh when they do it.  Usually they will snap too and realize they just dazed out and feel silly for doing it in front of you.   A man looking at another women in my opinion doesn't really have anything to do with me - he's just looking.

Don_Garb · Answer

Dogs sniff each others' bums, that's their nature and you can't stop it. Men look at women that they find attractive. That's the world we live in, you won't be changing it.

Try looking at the girls with him and talking about them. It will bring you closer.

Anonymous · Answer

Im gunna say how I see it. I know being a girl and your boyfriend doing that makes you feel sad and what not but he's a guy.. alllll guys look at other women weither they are taken single or married. Just like how us girls see a hot guy and talk about how hot he is with our friends.

If it really bothers you just tell him and talk to him about it. If he's with you he shouldn't be looking at other girls while you are right there its just disrespectful. But I totally know how you feel when he does that.

Good luck hun

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, it's a natural thing. You'd do the same thing if you saw a hot guy! But realistically, do lovers really care that much about these physical things?  Jealousy is a natural bi-product of relationships.  It's unwanted--by you, and him. He is, however, pretty stupid to be doing that while you're around. I do wonder whether he values the relationship or not.  He does deny that he was looking at her, so maybe that's a sign of him still wanting to keep the relationship. Don't be too worked up over it.

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t think him looking at other women is the death or your relationship or anything nor does it mean that you’re not good enough however it does mean that he’s being disrespectful to you. Men look as do women, no doubt. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you all of a sudden can’t appreciate an attractive person. However, if he’s gong to look (and he is) he should make sure you don’t notice him doing it and make it brief.

My advice to you is to talk to him about it and make him aware of it. I’m sure he’ll be conscience of it after that. Don’t approach it in an argumentative way though, just say something like you noticed him looking at women, one for an extended amount of time and it hurt your feelings and made you uncomfortable. I’m sure he’ll understand. You’re a pretty girl, be confident and don’t get lost in thinking you’re not good enough.

ScepMan · Answer

You shouldn't feel bad. If a girl is dressed particularly provocatively or such, it's an instinctive reaction for guys to look. It's something sort of hardwired into our brains, so to speak, and it's just a bad habit that can be difficult to break. If he's trying to disguise it, then that's at least a step in the right direction: he realizes that it's something he probably shouldn't be doing, and chances are he's just as ashamed about his habitual action as you are about what he did.

properplay · Answer

honestly when I'm checking out a girl, she's degraded in my mind, there is no love when I'm thinking sexual. I can not combine love and f***ing. when I love a girl I admire her. when I want to f*** her I look down on her. I can love and want to f*** the same girl at different times though.

you're going to feel jealousy towards your boyfriend at times, it's an important piece of a healthy relationship. there will be pain. accept it.

Why is my boyfriend looking at other women and how do I get over it?

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