Why is my boyfriend looking at other women and how do I get over it?

My boyfriend and I have been together for years, and already I know that means we're pretty solid. But he's never been the type to check other women out or objectify. However, recently it's become a bit of an issue. Yesterday is case in point, a girl walks down the road and granted even I noticed her, since she was dressed provocatively, and my boyfriend stares at her for a good 20 seconds whilst we were waiting in the car at a junction. I saw him doing it out of his peripherals but he refuses to admit it. My issue is the length of time he looked at this girl and his attempt to disguise it, maybe he just didn't want his ass kicked. He claims not to 'check people out', but I'm not naive. Now I just feel like it means I'm not good enough/not what he wants and also I feel like I should just get over it since everyone claims it's just a guy thing. But it's really hurt my feelings and I feel bad about myself now as a result.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • talk to him about it and make sure that he understands that you were hurt by what he did and how he denyed it. Trust with a boyfriend/girlfriend is the key thing and if you talk over your feelings with each other it just makes your feelings towards each other much more stronger to know what's acceptable and what's not. But do not put yourself down because of what he said, tell him straight and you must be good enough because you have been together for years and are solid. Always remember who you are and that's all that matters and love who you are. :)

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What Guys Said 30

  • You shouldn't feel bad. The guy was just responding to provocation in this case. It isn't a signal to you or anything like that.

    Just try to ignore his acting this way...It's normal behavior!

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  • You should make a comment whenever you see him checking out other women. Not something ridiculing, but just something that will make him aware that you notice him checking out other women.

    Like when you saw that girl who was dressed provocatively, you could be like, "Look at the way she's dressed."

    If you say something like that every time you see him checking out other women, he'll become much more conscious of what he's doing and probably do it less.

    Try not to act too jealous or make too big a deal about it, because high levels of jealousy are not particularly attractive. I also agree with shadley12345's answer. You can make your point in a joking way, showing that even though it offends you a little, you still have a sense of humor about it.

    Some of the other guys here are being kind of jerks, acting like it's your fault for blaming him. I see two sides to this. One is that this is a very minor crime at most, although I wouldn't say there's nothing wrong with it.

    In the ideal world, all other women besides you would be completely invisible to your guy. I'm sure that's what most women would want, and as a guy, I'd like the same thing too. But the reality is that no one is perfect. Before he met you, he was attracted to other women, and so it's a lot to expect that he'd no longer be attracted to any other woman. There may have been a period of time where he was paying so much attention to you, that he didn't even notice other women. If that's the case, then you're a very lucky person. Not all women get that. Look at it like that.

    Right now, you have to accept that you're not the only woman in the world he's attracted to, but if at the end of the day, he'd still choose you over all those other women, then that's what really matters. This is where trust comes into your relationship. You have to believe that you and him share something special that none of those other women could provide him. Yes, even the best guys do objectify women sometimes. It's not something we should be proud of. Intelligent gentlemen know the difference between a lady and a tramp, but there can still be a physical aspect to attraction that's hard to overcome even if our minds know better.

    The other side of this of course is that as guys we should try to be better. So the guys who say they have a right to "window shop" have a really bad attitude. Guys shouldn't be trying to window shop, but you shouldn't be trying to keep him on a leash either...does that make sense?

    In this situation, the best thing you can do is keep cool, don't get too offended by it, understand that guys aren't perfect, but don't completely ignore it either.

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  • first off, if things are really going well, the average guy thinks about sex in whatever form about 2-300 times a day...you might want to give him some slack...now, if this is a daily problem, then there may be something wrong with your relationship if you don't already know

    you should talk about it and how it's bothering you...maybe you should plan your get-togethers at places where the chances of that happening is less likely or you may just want be more provocative in your attire with him to distract him to you more

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    • I'm not going to be someone I'm not or dress differently to get him to pay me more attention?! I wouldn't be being true to myself if I did that. And as for sex, we have no problems there.

  • 1) You shouldn't feel as though you're not good enough, just because he checks other girls out. That has nothing to do with it AT ALL!

    2) Just because he's staring at other girls, doesn't mean they are prettier than you, not does it mean he's lost interest in the way you look.

    3) You have every right to get mad at your boyfriend for straight up staring at another girl for more than 2 seconds when he is with you. It's extremely disrespectful, and you can let him know you aren't going to tolerate it. Tell him that if he's gonna do that even while you're around, you're not gonna feel like going out anymore. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying to break up with him over this, but just the next time he asks you if you want to go somewhere, tell him you don't because he's just gonna end up staring at other girls and making you look insignificant. Say it like that, and he's gonna feel guilty the next time he decides to stare at another girl while you're there.

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  • You should tell him it upsets you that he does it so openly. There is no proper way to get a guy to stop it, almost every guy does it. I don't do it when I have a girlfriend, but to be honest I don't get out much. I spend most my time in my house watching TV or online. So that's probably the reason I'm used to go going around with a parter and not look at anyone else. Since I'm not really used to seeing other girls or people other than her. Which suits me fine, I'd not have it any other way to be honest.

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What Girls Said 39

  • Maybe there is something lacking in the relationship. Like, he is not as sweet as he used to be, or he doesn`t give you the attention he used to, and so him looking at other girls is making you feel really insecure, when deep down you know it means nothing. Don`t you notice attractive men? When you do do you think about leaving your boyfriend for him?

    Anyways, I think what you should do is start taking care of yourself, to make yourself feel pretty. Find something that will help boost your confidence. Maybe work out, or eat healthy, or buy new make up, or get a make over, a new hair style, buy new clothes - clothes that make you feel sexy... Just do something that will make you feel like a different person, a person you could look at in the mirror and say, damn she`s hot. If it`s not looks, then set a goal and accomplish it. (For me, accomplishing something boosts my self esteem. Because I do get insecure too. WHen it`s really bad, I usually change my hair style, or do my nails, or buy new clothes. It usually helps)

    When you start focusing on yourself more, you won`t feel too insecure and it won`t bother you so much when he looks at other girls. Also, remind yourself that he is with you, and he is just looking. I notice attractive men, and women too. It really annoys my friends, and boyfriend (or ex, whatever) because I get distracted a lot. But it doesn't mean I want to date any of them. I just admire their beauty.

    I used to get really jealous when my exex would look at other girls, so I talked to him about it, hoping it would fix it. But it didn`t. It just made it worse. I just started feeling insanely insecure, and knowing that he knew made it harder for me.

    So try focusing on your body, and flaunt your assets. Because when YOU feel sexy, people around you will see it. And another thing that helps insecurity is when people start checking you out. I know its lame, but it really helps.

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  • Guys will always look. It's unrealistic to think otherwise. The problem really isn't his looking, but his lack of honesty. I mean, cmon, I was with a man I loved for years, but that didn't mean I didn't appreciate a good butt or two on other guys! My guy didn't really have one. BUT I would NEVER want to go home with anyone but my then boyfriend.

    So rest assured, it doesn't mean he necessarily wants to leave you and go after another girl. And looking is normal. Now the lying. How did you confront him? Did you just call him out. "OMG why where you looking at her!" or "I saw you looking." Or did you float into it? "OK, OK, so do I need to buy a shirt like that, now?" The latter would have shown you are OK with it. That you trust him and understand. And it brings YOU into the fantasy. Beacuse now he's picturing YOU in the outfit. But jumping on his case means he's in trouble, and he's a guy and he's gonna lie to get out of it.

    Sit him down. Tell him it's not so much the looking as the being sketchy about it. If he trusts that you aren't going to go nuts because he's having a normal, innocent look, he may be more honest about it, and may even include you.

    I guess the advice is try the other way. Next time you catch him looking say something funny, like, pick out a piece of her outfit that would look good on you and put yourself in it out loud. "Am I gonna have to buy those jeans?" and wink at him. And smile, genuinely. If he goes along with it, awesome, and then maybe you can point out how it's not hte looking but the lying that bothers you. If he flat out lies again? Call him out. Tell him it's the lying.

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    • Well written giggity and it does and will get a better response from your man. It gets your point across and opens up some conversation.

  • I understand where your coming from. Guys are sh*tty sometimes! Don't let it hurt your feelings, and make you feel bad about yourself though. Looking at your picture, I think your a very beautiful girl. Hopefully, he realizes how much it upset you and he learns to control his wondering eyes.

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  • maybe I see things way differently than others but this is my take...

    If there's a woman dressed like trash, I stare too. I'm amazed at what some folks will wear...and then I feel sorry for them too. They can't respect themselves much...but I digress.

    After you both have had a good look. Say what's on your mind. Wow...she likes to show off her boobs doesn't she. (or whatever) When you get dialog started you can find out what's on his mind. If he says he likes it when girls dress that way ask what he'd think if you did. Most guys are smart enough not to want men oogling their girl so he'll likely say no.

    Don't make too much out of this, especially when you just have this one thing to go on. It's much better to see what he sees and talk about it!

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  • Ok, get some self-confidence right away, he looks at other women, you look at other men, and if you don't then you should take your blinders off. Admiring other people than the one you are with is just a human charectoristic. Don't worry about it, he's in the car with you right? You're going out with him right? Then don't worry. Women who constantly worry about their man cheating or being promiscuous, can worry whether it happens or not, it's just going to ruin your day. You have to just stop worrying about it, and see how much better that's going to make you feel! It is a very hard lesson, but a good one for that matter.

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