Why is my boyfriend looking at other women and how do I get over it?

My boyfriend and I have been together for years, and already I know that means we're pretty solid. But he's never been the type to check other women out or objectify. However, recently it's become a bit of an issue. Yesterday is case in point, a girl walks down the road and granted even I noticed her, since she was dressed provocatively, and my boyfriend stares at her for a good 20 seconds whilst we were waiting in the car at a junction. I saw him doing it out of his peripherals but he refuses to admit it. My issue is the length of time he looked at this girl and his attempt to disguise it, maybe he just didn't want his ass kicked. He claims not to 'check people out', but I'm not naive. Now I just feel like it means I'm not good enough/not what he wants and also I feel like I should just get over it since everyone claims it's just a guy thing. But it's really hurt my feelings and I feel bad about myself now as a result.


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What Guys Said 30

  • Selected as most helpful

    talk to him about it and make sure that he understands that you were hurt by what he did and how he denyed it. Trust with a boyfriend/girlfriend is the key thing and if you talk over your feelings with each other it just makes your feelings towards each other much more stronger to know what's acceptable and what's not. But do not put yourself down because of what he said, tell him straight and you must be good enough because you have been together for years and are solid. Always remember who you are and that's all that matters and love who you are. :)

  • Yeah I feel that same way. And my boyfriend says the same thing. I disagree with that being a guy thing because not all guys are into trash. And I never dressed provocatively and I've had a couple guys compliment me just on my jeans or shirt. I think most guys are pigs and were never taught how to respect women, for who they are, not for what they are.

    I believe there are guys out there that can control themselves, and eventually not care about how provocative women may be. If he has to lie about it, and do it behind your back, obviously it's not working. And I say that because him doing this behind your back means he can easily do other things behind your back as well. And if he knows he can get away with one thing, ... things can easily escalate from there. Guys are stupid, and they will take their chances with things like this even though they know the outcome could be for worse.

  • WELL, my man does the same thing, he started checking out women in front of me for the first time ever while I was pregnant. I would bring it up to him and tell him how it makes me feel and he just says, I wasn’t doing anything, I don’t know what your talking about. So the last time I saw him doing it he was staring (for awhile) at the neighbor bending over in tiny shorts with her huge body builder husband next to her, so I yelled, THAT IS ONE NICE ASS YOUR LOOKING AT HONEY! He turned and said what? So I thought I must not have said it loud enough, so I said it again even louder, THAT IS ONE NICE ASS YOUR LOOKING AT! He looked at me and looked at her husband and he looked scared. Never did it again! LOL I am a bitch but that’s what you have to do, or they will walk all over you..

  • Babe don't worry about it. My boyfriend does the same thing and NEVER EVER admits it. and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. I used to get VERY upset over it and cry in public a few times and even harmed myself. ( I know that sounds crazy but just telling you the full story:)) Anyways, I'm starting to get over it because I know he loves me and finds me incredibly sexy. And also, us girls spend toooo much time worrying about if we are enough for our boyfriends, when really all we need to worry about is making ourselves happy and making ourselves feel sexy. Easier said then done I know but soon you will realise, I promise. I'm sure you are very beautiful and your boyfriend is super attracted to you, otherwise he wouldn't date/make love/hold your hand/take you out/ kiss you. So try to stress less and remember, all that matters is making yourself happy. Hope this helps xoxoxo

  • maybe he misses a spark?

    i think it's good that he denies it, better than claiming that there's nothing wrong with looking at another girl

    if it doesn't happen all the time I would just let it pass for once

  • Guys are visual. Don't take it personally; my boyfriend of 3 years still does this sometimes. It's not a reflection of how much he loves you. It's more like how if there's a car crash that happens on the street next to us, we're all going to wheel around and gawk for as long as we can. It's just like that for boys. He's just staring because it's something new happening in front of him, and if her boobs are falling out of her shirt than that's especially not fair for him, he has no choice but to look in case they do fall out lol. Boys like looking at girls, don't hold it against him.

    I'm not going to give useless advice like try to get over it, because that's not really helpful. However, try to think of it as an instinct guys have. Plus you have the opportunity to be an awesome girlfriend and just make fun of him for it but still allow him to do it. Don't let him feel he has to disguise his glances; if he becomes trained to be secretive at this, what else could he learn to hide from you, you know?

    Also, telling him that if he's allowed to look at provocatively dressed women, then you should be allowed to look at sexy men walking down the street too. Couldn't hurt if he gets a taste of his own medicine :P.

    Good luck!

  • I would tell him how that makes you feel. If he really loves you, he will feel badly about it and change his behaviour. If he laughs at you or acts like you are overreacting, he isn't able to empathize with you enough, and he probably isn't your ideal mate. Men may have high sex drives, but they are perfectly capable of controlling themselves in public, and besides, he has you you stare at. The biggest mistake women make is over-compromising and letting men get away with stupid things. Don't do it!

  • I am constantly checking out other guys with my boyfriend because I think I am subliminally on the prowl and know that its over between us.

  • Don't worry. He's just looking for material to whack off to. Or to picture he's having sex with when he's with you.

    And all of that "it's natural" stuff, total bullsh*t. Y'know what, it was also natural for men to take a dump whenever and wherever they got the urge, in Neanderthal days, but somehow we've made it to the point of repressing THAT socially unacceptable act. Men, if you're going to claim it's in your nature to ignore the feelings of your girlfriend when it comes to behavior you CAN control, then you're basically labeling yourself as ignorant assholes completely lacking in self-control who don't deserve the women who put up with you.

    As for claiming "women look too!", yes, the ones who are bored with their relationships do, because they just don't care about the fragile male ego of their partner anymore. I know if I "notice" a hot guy walking down the street, I make every effort to keep my eyes on my guy because I know it would bother him. Just because women are emotionally stronger doesn't mean you get to do whatever you please with no attention to consequence.

    I don't know why Google sent me to this site. Most men that actually respond to relationship questions like this are retarded, and no one should be asking them anything that doesn't have to do with a car or sports, or how hot Megan Fox is. Especially not about relationships.

    Anyway, none of your self esteem needs to come from him, but it is annoying that he does it. I would trust your instinct, and even though he denies it, be adamant about the solution you want. Do you want him not to look when you're around, do you want some compensation for the fact that it bothers you, or do you just want him to admit to it in the first place?

    I know when I catch mine and he denies it, that's what bothers me the most. He makes it out to be that I'm the one looking for hot girls FOR him to check out, which is just obnoxious. But, then again, I'll usually just chock most of his "stares" up to "you look at a lot of people in a day", just to make myself feel better. I mean, check yourself. Half the people that catch my peripheral attention in a day aren't even good looking.

  • Guys will always look. It's unrealistic to think otherwise. The problem really isn't his looking, but his lack of honesty. I mean, cmon, I was with a man I loved for years, but that didn't mean I didn't appreciate a good butt or two on other guys! My guy didn't really have one. BUT I would NEVER want to go home with anyone but my then boyfriend.

    So rest assured, it doesn't mean he necessarily wants to leave you and go after another girl. And looking is normal. Now the lying. How did you confront him? Did you just call him out. "OMG why where you looking at her!" or "I saw you looking." Or did you float into it? "OK, OK, so do I need to buy a shirt like that, now?" The latter would have shown you are OK with it. That you trust him and understand. And it brings YOU into the fantasy. Beacuse now he's picturing YOU in the outfit. But jumping on his case means he's in trouble, and he's a guy and he's gonna lie to get out of it.

    Sit him down. Tell him it's not so much the looking as the being sketchy about it. If he trusts that you aren't going to go nuts because he's having a normal, innocent look, he may be more honest about it, and may even include you.

    I guess the advice is try the other way. Next time you catch him looking say something funny, like, pick out a piece of her outfit that would look good on you and put yourself in it out loud. "Am I gonna have to buy those jeans?" and wink at him. And smile, genuinely. If he goes along with it, awesome, and then maybe you can point out how it's not hte looking but the lying that bothers you. If he flat out lies again? Call him out. Tell him it's the lying.

    • Well written giggity and it does and will get a better response from your man. It gets your point across and opens up some conversation.

  • Maybe there is something lacking in the relationship. Like, he is not as sweet as he used to be, or he doesn`t give you the attention he used to, and so him looking at other girls is making you feel really insecure, when deep down you know it means nothing. Don`t you notice attractive men? When you do do you think about leaving your boyfriend for him?

    Anyways, I think what you should do is start taking care of yourself, to make yourself feel pretty. Find something that will help boost your confidence. Maybe work out, or eat healthy, or buy new make up, or get a make over, a new hair style, buy new clothes - clothes that make you feel sexy... Just do something that will make you feel like a different person, a person you could look at in the mirror and say, damn she`s hot. If it`s not looks, then set a goal and accomplish it. (For me, accomplishing something boosts my self esteem. Because I do get insecure too. WHen it`s really bad, I usually change my hair style, or do my nails, or buy new clothes. It usually helps)

    When you start focusing on yourself more, you won`t feel too insecure and it won`t bother you so much when he looks at other girls. Also, remind yourself that he is with you, and he is just looking. I notice attractive men, and women too. It really annoys my friends, and boyfriend (or ex, whatever) because I get distracted a lot. But it doesn't mean I want to date any of them. I just admire their beauty.

    I used to get really jealous when my exex would look at other girls, so I talked to him about it, hoping it would fix it. But it didn`t. It just made it worse. I just started feeling insanely insecure, and knowing that he knew made it harder for me.

    So try focusing on your body, and flaunt your assets. Because when YOU feel sexy, people around you will see it. And another thing that helps insecurity is when people start checking you out. I know its lame, but it really helps.

  • you don't get over it that is so disrespectful bring it to his attection that he is doing that and how that makes you feel or you can just get dirty and give him a tast of his own medicine.

  • Things are getting boring! Time to spice up your style, remind him why he had the hotts for you. Don't allow the solid part of the relationship make things routine, ritualistic, or too comfy. Things are fun when you're on your toes.

  • Im gunna say how I see it. I know being a girl and your boyfriend doing that makes you feel sad and what not but he's a guy.. alllll guys look at other women weither they are taken single or married. Just like how us girls see a hot guy and talk about how hot he is with our friends.

    If it really bothers you just tell him and talk to him about it. If he's with you he shouldn't be looking at other girls while you are right there its just disrespectful. But I totally know how you feel when he does that.

    Good luck hun

  • All guys are going to stare at a girl dressed provocatively. Maybe he's ashamed and that's why he won't admit it. I know I've checked out a guy or two while I've been in a relationship. And I think other guys besides my boyfriend are cute. However, that's not something I would openly admit to my boyfriend. Just remember that this girl only got 20 seconds of his time - barely. You've gotten years. He obviously cares about you. Get over it.

  • have him watch new moon with you and look at jacob and lick your lips. ha ha he's so sexy! but hell get the picture

  • Your crazy!... Get over yourself before your over bearing ways drive him away.

  • Well sense you can't officially tell w/o reasonable doubt I'd let it go, but if this becomes a constant thing then I'd tell him my feelings. Also, don't feel bad about yourself, she was dressed provocatively so anyone would have looked at her not for her beauty but for her skankiness. lol

  • I don't think there is any reason to be upset really. He lays down with you every night and is by your side. My rules are look but don't touch. Maybe its just me but I think you have to pick your battles. Somethings just aren't worth the fight. He's a man, he's gonna look at other women no matter what you do or say.

  • Guys will Always check out women you just won't always see it. Don't fee like you're not good enough that's a turn off to any man. Just let him know you noticed him checking her out and that it hurt your feelings but don't make a big deal out of it. Do you check out men? Of course you do but do you let him see?

  • This is what my best friend always says:

    "Just because I ordered, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."

    It's natural for anyone to look at someone of the opposite sex... I mean hell if I'm with my boyfriend and I see a good looking guy I can't help but check HIM out, but I'll do it secretly so that my boyfriend doesn't get the wrong idea.

    And even though I do look at other guys- guess what. I love my boyfriend and definitely would never leave him for another guy, no matter how good looking.

    But the mistake is accusing him as strongly as you are... Because he's not going to just not look at people.. you know? :(

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  • As long as he's just looking... and not sleeping with them... I don't see the problem. Guys happen to be very visually-turned-on. I can't help looking at a nude woman/porn. But that doesn't mean I'd want to sleep with them!

  • You should make a comment whenever you see him checking out other women. Not something ridiculing, but just something that will make him aware that you notice him checking out other women.

    Like when you saw that girl who was dressed provocatively, you could be like, "Look at the way she's dressed."

    If you say something like that every time you see him checking out other women, he'll become much more conscious of what he's doing and probably do it less.

    Try not to act too jealous or make too big a deal about it, because high levels of jealousy are not particularly attractive. I also agree with shadley12345's answer. You can make your point in a joking way, showing that even though it offends you a little, you still have a sense of humor about it.

    Some of the other guys here are being kind of jerks, acting like it's your fault for blaming him. I see two sides to this. One is that this is a very minor crime at most, although I wouldn't say there's nothing wrong with it.

    In the ideal world, all other women besides you would be completely invisible to your guy. I'm sure that's what most women would want, and as a guy, I'd like the same thing too. But the reality is that no one is perfect. Before he met you, he was attracted to other women, and so it's a lot to expect that he'd no longer be attracted to any other woman. There may have been a period of time where he was paying so much attention to you, that he didn't even notice other women. If that's the case, then you're a very lucky person. Not all women get that. Look at it like that.

    Right now, you have to accept that you're not the only woman in the world he's attracted to, but if at the end of the day, he'd still choose you over all those other women, then that's what really matters. This is where trust comes into your relationship. You have to believe that you and him share something special that none of those other women could provide him. Yes, even the best guys do objectify women sometimes. It's not something we should be proud of. Intelligent gentlemen know the difference between a lady and a tramp, but there can still be a physical aspect to attraction that's hard to overcome even if our minds know better.

    The other side of this of course is that as guys we should try to be better. So the guys who say they have a right to "window shop" have a really bad attitude. Guys shouldn't be trying to window shop, but you shouldn't be trying to keep him on a leash either...does that make sense?

    In this situation, the best thing you can do is keep cool, don't get too offended by it, understand that guys aren't perfect, but don't completely ignore it either.

  • If I were your boyfriend I'd be looking at other women too. Matter of fact, I do it no matter what the situation is... because it is HUMAN. If the girl looks fine, then the fineness has to be checked out.

    Think of it this way... Its not because you're on a diet that you can't look at the menu ;)

  • Hmm, I've reached the stage in my relationship where we're now comfortable to look/stare/check out other people/couples and not worry about. I use to get sprung doing it and felt a bit embarrassed. That may be a reason why...

    Just another 2cents.

  • You shouldn't feel bad. If a girl is dressed particularly provocatively or such, it's an instinctive reaction for guys to look. It's something sort of hardwired into our brains, so to speak, and it's just a bad habit that can be difficult to break. If he's trying to disguise it, then that's at least a step in the right direction: he realizes that it's something he probably shouldn't be doing, and chances are he's just as ashamed about his habitual action as you are about what he did.

  • Yeah just cause your better at disguising it out of courtesy does not make you a saint either. Think about MySpace for example, ever added a guy because he was hot? Same damn thing, get over it, if he loves you he will be there and won't cheat, if you make him feel guilty for just looking you are making him into a cheater, or there is something you are either doing or not doing. Think on it.

  • Now that you are together for 3 years and he's doing it more I think signifies something...be careful...he's not just 'checking people out'...when I started to get bored with my gfs, the first sign was that I would look at girls more and with less discretion...

  • All guys look at other girls. It's just a curious look is all. Don't let it get to you. He probably knows it bothers you but honestly he can't help it.

  • maybe simply talk to him. when he does...ask him in a fun not penetrating way "does he like what he sees...does he want you to wear something like that?" who knows, maybe it can be a fun way for you to be a couple. but let him know also, later, that it hurts a little also. He needs to cut it back a little at least.

  • Just because your off the market it doesn't mean you still can't window shop..

    end of the day he maybe looking at her but he's going home with you

    stop being insecure and listen to Marques Houston - That Girl

    you will understand

  • honestly when I'm checking out a girl, she's degraded in my mind, there is no love when I'm thinking sexual. I can not combine love and f***ing. when I love a girl I admire her. when I want to f*** her I look down on her. I can love and want to f*** the same girl at different times though.

    you're going to feel jealousy towards your boyfriend at times, it's an important piece of a healthy relationship. there will be pain. accept it.

    • Yea man, I was thinking about how to answer this and then I saw your comment.. it just puts everything I had in my mind in words.

      Soph86, properplay said it all.

  • im sure if you saw a good looking guy you would look too...but I understand why it'd bother you how long he look or that he lied about it. unless he's really stupid it's pretty understandable that doing that in front of your girlfriend is disrespectful

  • You shoudn't feel bad about yourself that's life it doesn't mean your relationship is coming to an end. You're probably or will probably start looking at guys but that doesn't mean you're dissatisfied with your boyfriend is just means you're looking at guys. It will happen. It means nothing.

  • maybe its because you "havent been giving him enough" now I know most girls are ganna start attacking me for this but that might be it try giving him a B.J

    • That's ... shallow.

    • Thats not a g f youve got its a contraption.

    • Or maybe she can't give dome?

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  • thats funny because when I hang out with my gf's friends they always talk about celebrities and how hot they are. like those guys from twilight. think about that next time before you complain about us guys looking at girls.

    • haha, I agree with this

    • Motherf***er THIS. Best answer ever!

  • its just natural, you just go look at other men like that, he'l stop with it

  • If you really feel bad about it, then you must talk to him. If not, you'll just keep getting hurt. Although yes it is a guy thing to look at girls, 20 seconds may be a little long. I don't believe that you have much to be worried about though. If he wanted to leave you, he would have. However he chose to stay...which means he still has strong feelings for you. Just have a talk about it, if he loves you he will understand.

  • Hes probably thinking about leaving you

  • 1: Why does he do it? Because he's a male

    2: "But he's never been the type to check other women out or objectify" Yes, he has been, he's just been hiding it better.

    3: Why is it more noticable? Because he probably feels more comfortable around you after years of going out, and so feels 'safe' to look without pretending not to.

    4: In much the same way when you first started going out, he probably was trying to glance down your top every chance he could without you noticing. See point 1.

    5: I honestly don't think females 'get' just how trigger happy male sexuality is. Females tend to think a guy sees a female, then thinks "I'm single, so I can look to see if she's attractive" then we look. No, it's more like this. "Boobs. And they're attacted to a female that's good looking. And, hey did anyone catch me looking? I hope my girlfriend whom I love didn't see that".

    Now, how do you respond?

    Option 1: Consider it a personal attack in that something is wrong with you, get annoyed, angry, and wish he stopped. This really won't work.

    Option 2: Ignore it entirely, and it'll continue to happen and, despite knowing why, you'll still be annoyed.

    Option 3: Talk to him and say "hey, you can look, but make sure you look at me too". That way he won't feel attacked, but he should "get the hint" that you want to feel appreciated.

    Look. I know I might sound like an overcrazed pig from what I wrote above, but really, that's how ALL guys are. Every single guy I know, single, married, dating, every single one... when a pretty girl is nearby all look. Wear a lot cut top and ride on a bus one day and you'll see what I mean.

    It's not that we're intentionally looking to hurt a girls feelings.

    And it's not that we're thinking "she's better looking then my partner"

    That's not how it works at all. It's just body parts we notice without even a thought passing.

    • Why not? Like I said every single male I know is like this, and for the most part, the partners are OK. Also that said the girls do it too. For instance my mates Girlfriend (and mother of their 2 children) often will comment on 'beefcakes'. My Girlfriend points out pretty girls at times. It's just noticing a sexy girl or guy, not cheating in any way.

      Frankly, get over it. To suggest people can only notice sexually attraction of their partners is stupid and a lie.

    • So you are saying that he should have his cake and eat it too?? Yeahhh no....

  • we will allways check other women out.. it is our nature to domanate, when we are with a girl and we get caught of course we will lie about it if your our girlfriends we don't want the is she prettier then me question or get in a fight over it. Best thing I can say Who did he sleep with last night. Who is he with right now. That's who he wants to be with. I am saying YOU is who he wants to be with he is with you right. It is just natural for a guy to check out a girl we can't help it really we can't even when we try not to look it makes us want to look more. Yes, get over it every guy your with will check out another women but it is if he goes for the other women you should worry about. That will only happen when things are bad in the realationship.

    • Ok, agreed mostly.

      What about if you've been nice to your boyfriend, have given him his space and time and took care of yourself, but he went and cheated on you? What should you think? What should you DO? =/

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