How do I get my boyfriend to stop taking me for granted?

He is a good guy with a lot on his plate. He works hard long hours and has a lot of family drama. He hurt his back and is tired all the time. But, I also work long hours at a high stress job, have a ton of family issues ( which everyone expects me to have the answers to and fix), I work hard physical labor too and I

injured my back and knee (I don't know who's pain is worse - he thinks his. It's not a competition for me).

ever though I am tired and busy I make time for him. Try to let him know I am thinking of him while apart ( our jobs are different days and hours, so are lucky to see each oter 1 hr per week).

he rarely answers my text, but now acts hurt

that I stopped texting him. I reminded him he didn't text either and he said he was too busy.

i'm not asking to be the center of his world. Just somewhere on his priority list. I need to know I mean something to him. I know he loves me in his own way and he tell me he is just bad at communication and has been his whole life. He tells me I am right when I call him out on rude behavior like not bothering to answer me or forgetting a date. He may even step up for a week, but the starts to slide.

how do I get him to realize this is important to me?

how do I get him to wake up and step up?

I'm not asking for wine and roses (though a romantic gesture would be nice), just a little effort.

am I being silly? Asking for too much? Being to demanding?

I don't want to be the needy girlfriend, but I don't want to be the door mat either.

help me out here! Tell me what you think.

Give me some ideas before I give up and walk away. I don't want to do that!

he is not trying to hurt me, he just gets lost in his own stuff.

Updates:
I've been trying to set up a time for us to talk now and maybe spend more timetogether for for 3 days now, but he is too busy.
to make it up to him. Since he is too busy to meet. I think I may put my feelings down in a letter to him. I need him to know and I write better than I can speak in person sometimes. Maybe it is not the best way, but I really don't know what else to do
i'll try not to place blame. Just tell him how I am feeling and what I need in a relationship. Map out some boundries and offer him the chance to do the same. Tell him I love him, but I am hurting now. Get things all out there and see how he responds
I mailed the letter yesterday. I said we need more time together and need to try to figure something that works for both of us. That I can see a distance growing between us and I don't want to loose what we have, but some thing need to change.
I said I was not blaming him. I just want to make things better for both of us. I thought that would be a start. He should get the letter today. There is more we will need to talk about in person, but this should let him know some of my feelings
I tried to catch him as he got of work today, but saw he was working late and busy so left. I guess the letter will have to do. He should get it this afternoon and then we will see how and if he responds. He tends to "check out" of things when he is busy
I know he has a lot on his mind, but I just can't let him put me on hold any more. I didn't say that is the letter. Just that I want both of us to be happy and protect our relationship. The rest will need to be said in person.
he called! Wanted to meet. We only ahd 30 mins. He was late for fire meeting. I was late to do something for family member ( caugt h*ll for it, but it was worth it). He got the letter and saidhe was sorry. He didn't realize he was hurting me.
we touched some key issues that we wil need to go into more later. I told him some of what I was felling and he promised to try harder and treat me better becaused he loved me and I anm worth it. I deserve it. Time and his actionswill tell. I hope he does
I didn't place blame and he seemed very worried that he had hurt me.We had a good talk. though too short. No ones fault on that. I hope we can make things work.We love each other. We justhave to keep working. We both deserve to be happy and treated right
we have been having some really good talks latley. No blame or guiilt, just honest talk about everything. It has been wonderful. I feel an ease between us that wasn't there before. I can't explain it - it just feels right.

we meet tonight and I'm not even sure how the conversation started, but I said something about I like to see where things ends up on something. He asked if I wanted to see how things end up with us. I wasn't sure what he meant. Then he said
"what is at the end of the road for us". I thought he was ending it right then. He saw the look on my face and quickly said not an end like that, but the end of one thing and the start of something new in our relationship. That's when he proposed.
I couldn't beleve it. In the beginning he had told me he might live with someone, but would never marry again. I said I could live with that and never expected more. So tonight it took his words a little while to sink in. I was so very happy and shocked.
I know we have a long ways to go, but I think maybe we might just have a chance. Will not rush into anything with him . To do things right, we need to take our time. He asked if forever with him scared me. I told him not at all.
as long as he is at my side, nothing will scare me.
Well, it's been 3 months since I asked this question. I talked to him. Told him how I felt & did not place blame. He said all the right things. Even asked me to marry him. Then turned right around and went back to his old tricks.
He got worse. Became more and more disrespectful. Was playing lots of head games & was not treating me right. I finally respected myself enought to leave him. All his nice words sounded great, but he failed to follow through on any.
I learned talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. When his words failed to be true. I took action and left. Smartest thing I did in a long time. I feel happier now than I have been in months.
 

What's Your Opinion?

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What Girls Said 16

What Guys Said 15

  • Talk to him

    • I did. First he pretended to listen. Would change for a week or so, then back to the same old stuff. I talked to him again & he acted like I was stupid. Started playing head games with me. Asking to meet, then never showing. Saying one thing. Then doing something totally different. Treating me really bad. I finally left him & $e was convinced I would come running back. I didn't. He tried to get me back, but I stood my gorund. I think he finally saw I didn't like being treated like a game

  • hahah just ignore the donkey lol just give him his space and you takes yours go out with your mates get together some times have great sex he will app you more men hate needy woman I know sometime when you like a man it comes natural but that's life lol that's donkey is bad give him a slap good luck :)

  • I am going to be honest and blunt here. I don't want to hurt your feelings at all, but the answer to this question is to stop LETTING him take you for granted.

    • I am happy to hear that things have gotten better for you and that he has stepped up and the adjustment is going well. It shows that you really do have something with this guy and you both care for each other.

    • You're not hurting my feelings at all. You're right. I have taken some steps to do just that in the last few weeks ( while trying to be fair and open minded to his feelings at the same time). It has taken him a little bit to get used to some things too, but he is pretty reasonable so can usually see my side of things when I explain. I'll really have to say, he has stepped up and while we still have a ways to go, I now have hope for us in the future. Thanks!

  • I see your point and the only thing I can say is take a break and stop contacting him - he proposed to you? That is so silly, he wants to keep you but doesn't want to call/txt you sometime. Contacting him takes some strength too, I think it's unfair if he doesn't do so but you have to.


    If you want him to text call every once in a while, demand it! Say "I need to hear your voice every once in a while, please call me." You're a couple so I think such a demand is legit, even if he is busy.


    I'm into a guy like that and I stopped calling him and he called me back after a week and was not amused because I didn't call him...I didn't react to that and he called again after some days. It was OK with me, because we are not a couple...not even really dating, but you, he is your partner and you have some rights here too.


    It's about your well-being here, if he can't do you such a small favour, you might not be able to count on him when it comes to the tough issues. Just sayin'...I read between your lines that you're loving this man, I understand that, but you need some love and respect for yourself as well.

    • love should be that hard. Love should be a partnership. Be healthy and balanced. Full of understanding & caring. Not tears and heart ack. Some day I hope to find REAL love. At least now I know some of the pit falls to watch for. Now I'm focasing on loving & respection myself. :)

    • thanks for your help all those months ago. :) I know I gave the relationship my all. He just want willing to try. In short - I chose the wrong guy. Sad but it happens. His words were perfect, but were hollow without acton & follow through to back them up. When I started standing up for myself, he got angry & didn't like it. Looking back, I see how sad & unhappy I was when we were together. I kept thinking I wasn't working hard enough for the relationship. Now I see I was working too hard.

    • Thanks for your update! 'Actions speak louder than words' - so true, I also learned that the hard way. So glad you are happy again! Good luck!

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  • First off, you can talk all you want, but men rarely respond to words, sad but true, they respond to distance. Think about it, even as boys growing up, mom gives them a tongue lashing, they take it, improve for a while and then do it again. When mom enforces consequences, then the bad behavior changes.


    You don't have to vanish on him, but perhaps start having more of a live without him. Go out with friends, fill up your time. Start getting your needs met elsewhere, chances are, he will notice. Ultimatums don't work, that is a struggle for power.

    • I understand what you are saying about men and words. As far as filling in my time without him, that isn't really a problem . Between work and home I have very little time as it is. I just feel if you are in a relationship both parties need to make time for each other or it isn't a relationship. We are taking things one day at a time right now and what time we schedule is in smaller blocks (10 min here 30 min there). So far so good

      and I agree about ultimatums. No one wins. Thanks

  • Leave him alone, move on. He can't stand you. Move on, your relationship sounds like a joke, there are so many people in the world why waste your time with someone you never even see. Your in love with a fantasy that isn't real

    • Ps.

      to me he is worth one more try. What is life without a few fanitasies , just as long as they have a chance of making you happy :)

    • If not seeing him much makes him a fantasy, then I must be a fantasy to him too.

      love is never perfect or simple it all comes down to how much each person is willing to put into it and how much it is worth to you. Thanks for the comment . ;)

  • Hi there...

    You know I'm in the same trust me same to same thing ! Worse is we are in a long distance. He has ego problems and don't know I feel like I mean nothing to him. But when I even slip once like get late calling he starts doubting me. I wish you do help me too ! :((

    • My guy is very simular. Says I text too much, then complains when I don't. Except he never says I don't care. We both have demanding jobs and fam. He shuts down when upset or tired, ect. That happens a lot. I just don't know how to get through to him. I asked him not to shut me out and he says he doesn't know he is doing it. I kniw he works hard, but I feel like nap time is more importand to him than me. As far as the letter - I don't know what to do. I can't get a hold of him in person.

    • My guy is on a demanding job. Most of the time he's frustrated with his job & family. He takes it out on me.I understand as his girlfriend I should handle him but he never msgs. And he says I don't care about him. I mean if I call him he gets annoyed if I don't he says I'm not bothered. :( I've tried the letters they don't work.

    • With us seeing so little of each other I feel like we are in a longdistance relationship. Then he gets stressed and checks out of our relationship. I feel like he is always putting me on hold. Something needs to change

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  • sounds a lot like my relationship I don' know what to do either some people say you have to play games with men to get them to want to be with you because they only want what they feel what they can't have and even if they're busy they will call you then and really want to spend time with you and that this is the only way they will ever care for you! this to me is like no hope for a girl who wants more than to play games and would like someone who is REAL !

    • We can each stand alone and be - alone. At least when I was on my own I knew I wouldn't have anyone to turn to. Something has to change. He did text me at 4:30 am Mon - to ask a favor. Which I did. But otherwise he is too busy. I know he love me, but this love is starting to hurt too much. I need to stand up for myself. First I will be gentle and try to keep from hurting his feelngs. I want to be fair. But if things don't get better, I must respect myself enought to say I deserve better.

    • I know what you mean. I do not want to play games. I want a mature relationship where there is mutual respect. I don't expect to be treated like a qeen, but I do expect to be treated with respect. I feel like I am fighting a battle to save our relationship, but I am all alone. I want a partner in life. Someone to stand side by side with. He has my back. I have his. But nstead I just feel alone. And I am tired of it. I'm going to tell him we can face the world together and be stonger for it or

  • talk to him

    • I can ever g et him to agree on a meeting I will. I know he is busy, but we must talk

  • I think you should stop doing the things he takes for granted ...what ever it is ..just stop.. he will ask you why you stopped.. just talk to him and tell him that it bothers you.

    i hope this helps good luck

  • well he has to learn to be more responsible about how he deals with your emotions. he needs to be sensitive to what you want.

    you talk to him in the most nicest way you can and just maybe try to reword it in your mind in a way that he'll be content with what you have to say as his girlfriend. there's nothing wrong with setting or outlining how things should be to make you happy.

    I've been the door mat in my earliest relationship and after that I'm a hell raiser or at least assertive. It's good that you realize that hey you got to let your man know where your borders are and what's acceptable and what isn't in a diplomatic and easy to understand way.

    It's up to the guy to change. If he doesn't change for you then that means he's just being a jerk. but at least talk to him and see how things go. good luck

    • Thanks. I did some of what you said. Set boundres and rules that I need. I didn't place blame, just said needed somethins to change - to make things better for both of us.

      so far, that seemed to really get his attention. He has stepped up a lot, tried to show he cares and worked to make more time with me. That was all I was asking for - just to know I mattered to him.

      time will tell how things continue, but I am willing to keep working on things as long as he is too. Thanks!

  • I've known this type. Honestly, if you find that you are putting forth way more effort and sacrifice than he is and he isn't willing to respond in the same manner, I'd back off a little. Sometimes people take something for granted when it's too easily accessible or just given to them without them having to meet you halfway. If he doesn't bother to answer your texts, don't send them often. Let him reach out and contact you. If he's really interested, he will. No one is 'too busy' that they can't take a second out of their day to send you a quick text. If the president has time to go on vacation, I think he can find a second to make you feel prioritized. If you only see him an hour a week and that isn't enough incentive for him to try to contact you more, move on and find someone else. Any person that really cared about you or was ready for the relationship would make an effort to keep in touch with you and find excuses to be around you, no matter what the obstacle. And even forgetting dates?! Wow, let it go. This guy is a jerk. I know it's easier said than done, but from what you are describing, I don't see any other healthy choice. He shouldn't have to realize this is important to you, you've already told him what you want and expect and he's not delivering. If he isn't putting forth the effort now, imagine what he's going to be like a few months from now? If someone doesn't have the empathy to realize you work hard and deserve to be cared about too, you are again with the wrong person. You are being a doormat by continuing to put yourself out there for this person again and again just to be either rejected or met half-way. I made that mistake once myself, I'll never do it again. Respect yourself and start by thinking of this situation realistically and let him go. He's going to bring down your own happiness and sense of self after awhile, I'm sure he already has. Find someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. As for your theory that he's not 'trying' to hurt you, you don't know that, and regardless, his behavior IS hurting you. So why keep it up? Getting lost in your own stuff isn't acceptable in a relationship after awhile. We all have our own stuff, every single one of us. Yet we still have commitments and responsibilities to the other human beings on earth. If this guy only thinks about himself, let him be by himself.

    • You are righht in many ways. He is the first man I ever opened my heart to and so it is hard to even think about letting go,but if things don't get better soon I know I must. I keep wanting to I've him the benefit of the doubt. But not at the expence of my own self worth.

      part of me worries I may be choosing to let people into mt life that kind of walk on me and expect me to take care of them. My family kind o does that and I have heard poeple raised and that type enviorment end choosing mates who

  • but he should not be taking you for granted... even if he has a lot on his plate dear... :)

  • stop being so available for him and doing so much for him. fall back until he learns to reciprocate and show some appreciation. if he doesn't change permanently then leave him. you can't change someone. if that's how he is then don't stick around. it sounds like he isn't going to change though, he is just one of those dudes that doesn't care enough to put in the effort so maybe you can let him find a girl that is willing to put up with that

  • Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". See if you can get him to read it, too. It helps a lot with communication issues and understanding each other. Not everything in there is totally right, but a lot of it helps a lot.

    • Oh yeah, and what Jhova said is totally right. If you want him to think of you, then you have to think of yourself first. When you do, he will appreciate you more.

  • Communication is the key in a relationship. If he lacks communication this relationship is not going to work regardless of how much effort you put in.


    If he really does care to be with you, I would let him know all your needs and wants, just get that out there. Wait and see if he does anything. If he doesn't, to wake him up and make him step it up would be to leave him. Leaving him makes him realize what he lost, and if you meant something he'll come running back doing things you wanted him to do in the beginning to win you back.

    • I agree - communication is key and our relationship is only as stronor as weak as our communications skills.

      i'm going to back off and tell him how I feel and I will put as much into this relationship as he does. If he wan

      ts more fromme - I need more from him.

      the sad part is, I really love the guy and he is a good person - just clueless som


      etimes. If it comes to a piont where I've stated my case and he still doesn't try I wilhave to leave.I hope I don't haveto but I have to respect myself

  • Selected as most helpful

    You can't make him realize how important you are. It's totally up to him and he's definitely taking you for granted. You might want to stop trying so hard. I mean he gets upset you don't text anymore, but he rarely texts you. And his excuse is he's busy well so are you. He's seems to be spoiled and just expect you to go above and beyond for him.


    For your second question, it's the same answer as the first one. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. I mean would you really want to force him to do things he doesn't want to do. It will just blow up in your face. Kind of like when he's great for a week but slips back to his old ways.


    If he is treating as you stated, then no it's not to much to ask. Especially if you are doing all you can to show him you appreciate him. And last but not least you can't make excuses for him (he is not trying to hurt me, he just gets lost in his own stuff). If that's the case why is he upset that you don't text him, when he doesn't respond. You made him the KING of your world and he knows it. Start taking care of yourself more and see what happens, either he starts appreciating you more or he leaves.

    • I wil put in the same amount as he does and that way it will be more fair and balanced. If he gets mad about me doing the same amount as him - oh well. His problem. If he wants more from me - I need more from him. That's sounds pretty fair. I will try to put it in a way that is not harsh - just truthful..

      thanks again.

    • Thanks. I think I will tell him I need to reset the priorities in my life and I need to change some things in our relationship. I'm not mad and I'm not blaming him. I just need to change a few things so I don't end up feeling hurt and dismissed all the time, then feeling resentment and chewing him out. That is not fair for either of us. I'm not going to push him into doing something he doesn't want to do. So feel the best thing it to meet him at whatever level HE sets.

    • Just be strong and don't be afraid to lose him. Because when you inform him about your thoughts he could start ruining the relationship. It might not be on purpose but it happens. Be prepared for anything he says and if you can don't get into an argument. Let him know how you feel and you are not trying to make him feel like it's all his fault. Remember you have a right to be treated right especially if you give do pretty much everything. You can do bad all by yourself. Don't argue if pos

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  • How? you get yourself someone who doesn't take you for granted, dump him.

    • in truth - I was only his play toy. Now the toy is gone and the selfish over grown child is left crying. I am free now and ready to start healing my wounds. The sunshine has returned to my life :)

    • I told him time to say goodbye before we could hurt each other any more and ended up hating each other. At first he thought I was bluffing (even though I never threatened to leave him once. Always tried to find a way to SAVE the relationship). When he saw it wasn't a bluff he acted all shocked and hurt, then angry. He didn't understand that you can't play ames with someones heart and emotions and not expect them to eventually get enough and walk away. I only thought I was his girlfreind .

    • chase after him. He liked the idea of having me "around" waiting in the wings, but he didn't want to waist any of his time on me. We almost broke up a month ago because he was being such a jerk and I was starting to see how he was using me. But we agreed to give it one more shot. I told him I would give him his space. But I would no longer beg . He would have to meet me half way on things. He really started playing the head games then. "come here. No! Go away!". I finally got enough.

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  • I know it will be hard to do, but play a you left him joke on him, and wait 3 days to see if he will come crawling back to you. if he don't you deserve better. if he does, it will wake him up to what could happen if he don't straiten up.

    • I did one better. I left him for real. Now I am free :)

  • That's great.. Blame and guilt is the enemy of man. And by not going there... you can always resolve any problem. Just make sure it doesn't sound like you're blaming him even when you're explaining how you feel..And of course letting him tell you how he feels about the same thing after.

    • Guilt trips and angre just make things worse. I don't ever want to do that to someone I love. It's been done to me too many times & hated it.

      the first thing I said was " I'm not mad or blaming. It's not your fault. I just need you to know how I am feeling, & you to tell me how you feel so we can make things better between us".

      we had a really good talk and even better ones since.

      he is a good man.

      thanks for the comment. I agree. :)

  • Omg if I were him and you talk even half as much as you type I would suffocate myself with a soldering iron.

    • Hahahahha hahahha your bad lol

    • This is how I take out my stress. Leave me alone. Fatty.

    • Remember the old saying "do upto others and you would like them to do unto you".

      best of luck

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  • I here by take full responsibility for not only you guy staying together, but his proposing to you. No thanks needed :P

    • Your advise did help a lot. Most everyones did. I tried to pick best answer, but couldn't because there were so many good ones. Yours was definitely towards the top. Thanks.

      we have a long ways to go, but I think we have a chance at making it now. Thanks to everyone! :)

  • well girl seems like you 2 need a vacation to have some quality time together, make a date for it, take a whole week off of work it will do you both some good.. me and my girl both work opposite shifts the only time I get to see her is when she climbs into bed at night and when I kiss her in the morning b4 I go to work, they say time apart makes the heart grow fonder and it does, now me and my girl take off of work one day a week so we can have a full day together instead of an hour of sex each night, it is important to have communication in a relationship without it it will crumble, thoughts roll threw your head and angst and anger take over, seriously life is to short so take some time off and live it up a little :

    )

    • You are very right. Life is too short and time together and communcation are key. We are trying to work out something time wise. Like you said - things roll threw your head and worries take over. Work, family and other stresses don't help.



  • STOP TEXTING! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT! Impersonal things like texts are worthless and today's people are ignorantly pushing everyone away with this insipid technology, try talking which you say you are no good at, and who is this p**** who does not appreciate you? You want a date? I am sick of being treated the same way by women. Leave him and find someone who will appreciate having a good looking and intelligent women there. Let him know that you are special and deserve to be treated as such, you do not have to be aggressive about it just say: "Hey, you should know I could have any guy I wanted but I chose to be with you, I choose to be with you because I love who you are and if you can't do the same I can find someone who can, but would rather be happy with you." If this does not spring him into backrub action then run run run away.

    • I didn't tell him I could or would find someone else, just told him how I felt and what I needed in as gentle a way as I knew how.

      He did seem to spring to action and I did get a back rub out of the deal. Thanks for the comments :)

  • have a breakup, then wait for him to come back to you

    • I don't want to play games. That is wrong. I we breakup - it will not be a game. Hearts will get broken

  • take him for granted

  • he obv has feelings for you but there's only one way you stop someone from taking advantage of you. and it might sound harsh but its really the only way...an ultimatum. say you need to treat me better and try to work on "us" or "us" won't be happening anymore. and ull really find out how he feels.

  • Try to fake a serious incident like the ER or like lay on the floor and fake a passout and have friend play along and you'll hear more I love you and I need you and you mean so much to me and I can't live without you.

    • Typo. Small Cell phone key board. Fast fingers. And a "joke" is supposed to be funny. That was just stupid and childish. I stand by what I said. Miss spellings and all.

    • The adult that spells adult wrong lol I believe he was joking country girl...

    • Thts f***ed up

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  • You can talk to him, if her really likes you he might try to change but in the end he is the way that he is and the reality that you are presented with won't change...its about trying if he doenst and you have and you are still not happy it might be time to look for someone else...

  • The fact that he noticed that you stopped texting him, and cared enough to bring it up to you says a lot about how he feels and that he does in fact notice the things you do, but he just doesn't know how to express it correctly.

    • You are right. We do need more time together.

      It is hard with work and family the way they are, but we need to try.

      I love the guy with all my heart and want thing to work - even when he driives me nuts and I am mad as all get out. Even at my madest, it only took him 10 mins, for him to get me to forgive him. He has that way about him when we are together. I don't want to say something that makes it sound like we are over. I am trying to fight to SAVE our relationship - not end it.

      thank you

    • Find a way to see each other more and I bet it will all sort itself out. I have story after story of where women I know were about to break things off because of a long list of reasons and I told them they need to look at what is happing in there lives and see what the real problem is (Working to many hours, doing to many things with friends, being a brides maid at 8 different weddings) Texting and calling can only supplement contact not make up for it's lack.

    • Honestly to my ear that would sound like "We are done but we are going to drag this out"

      You should not base your actions on his, you should text as much as you feel comfortable with and he will do the same.But I think the biggest thing here is that you use need to find more time together. To me texting is bullsh*t and it might simply be that he doesn't like to text. But really I bet that the not having time to be face to face is what is causing this strain not lack of input.

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  • Just tell him that you Know what He's going through and you will always be there for him but tell him you need the same and your not getting that

    • We did. I called in sick ( the only time I have ever done that. Next day I was sick for real and had to work. Carma is h*ll). He hurt his back that day, so wasn't feeling good and was kind of grumpy, but I will have to say, he came anyway. He tried. He could have just said forget it.

      if he is willing to work with me on scheduling, I will sugest setting up more time together.

      thanks again.

    • Thanks. if its possible try to set a date with him and say this is our day to be together and do what we want.

    • Good advise. I have told him I understand his situation ( our simular surcomstances is part of what brought us together). I have also promised to always be at his side and have his back and I want to that. I just need a patner in all this. Not just someone else that expects me to carry the load because they are tired. I'm also afraid of getting hurt or him thinking of me as another burden in his life.

      I will talk with him. Thanks

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