How to confront a guy without scaring him off?

[Anonymous]

This guy knows he did something wrong. We've been on and off, and he knows I like him even though we hadn't talked I na few weeks. We hooked up last night, and he didn't tell me he was seeing someone, I found out whenever she called first thing in the morning to bitch at him for something (not sure if they're official or not).

I need to confront him for my own sake, but I'm trying to figure out how to go about it. I need him to be receptive to what I'm saying to obtain the answers/explanation. Generally, I'd choose not to contact him and act as if I don't care and let him come to me, but I'm not sure that he will in this case. And I know I'm going to obsess until I talk to him about it.

All of this happened last night/this morning. Would it be a good idea to confront him about this tonight, or should I wait? Also, how do I go about asking him why he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend without coming off like I'm attacking him? He and I are alike where we avoid conflict, so I know that if he feels attacked, he's going to do what he can to avoid discussing the situation.

[Tamikaze]

What did he do wrong? Not sure if last night was the first time you guys hooked up, but when you are in a casual sexual deal with someone, they owe you nothing as far as being exclusive. At least you know where things stand. He just wants some casual fun with you. If you are up for that, then let this go. If you are not, then you have nothing to lose by just calmly asking him who the girl was and if she is a girlfriend.

Overall, what are your expectations here? Are you hoping this will turn into a relationship? It isn't starting off very promising. He knows you like him but you had not talked in a few weeks and then, when you do talk, it turns into a hookup and ends with some random girl calling him. Just be aware that whatever your expectations are, they will show in one way or another when you talk to him. If you are hopeful this will become a relationship, own that and know that is on your mind, so you can better discuss the situation with him rather than be blindsided by your thoughts.

Good luck!

[Asker]

It's about the fact that he has a girlfriend (I am sure of it by their conversation that she is more than just a friend) and didn't tell me, else I wouldn't have hooked up with him. It's less about what he owes ME it's what he owes HER. But I never wanted to be placed in the position to be the "other girl". And no, it's not the first time we've hooked up. A relationship isn't right for us at this point in time. He's too busy for the effort that a long distance relationship requires.

[Tamikaze]

FWB is about no strings and no explanations. When you go the route of a casual sexual deal, you enter the realm of ending up where you are at right now. She may be a hookup buddy too (you said you are not sure they are official), so let your guilt go. If he is a douche enough to be fooling around on a girlfriend, well doubt you will get the truth out of him. Even jerks don't like to paint themselves as a jerk.

[Tamikaze]

Overall I think you have more feelings for him than a hookup buddy should have, and you should end this. I am not a fan of casual deals like this, no matter the circumstances, because someone usually catches a dose of feelings and gets hurt. This guy owes you nothing and he obviously feels that way or he would never take the risk of you overhearing this conversation in the first place.

[megahnalexandria]

First thing is first, honey you have a reason to confront him. It is so not cool to mess with people's emotions. He knows that you like him and so he hooks up with you even though he has someone else he is seeing. When you see him simply tell him exactly what you think, but do it calmly without yelling and he shouldn't feel attacked. Ask him why he didn't tell you he had someone else and why he hooked up with you when he knew you liked him and that he would wind up hurting you. Your situation seriously makes me a little angry, not at you but at him, he shouldn't play with your feelings. I hope he has a good excuse!

[Asker]

I could get over it if he hooked up with me knowing I liked him, because we can't work out a relationship right now because of distance anyways, what irks me is that he didn't tell me he has a girl. That put me in a position I never thought I'd be in and feel immense guilt for, even if I was unaware of the situation. Unfortunately, I can't do this in person because of the distance, or else I would :( But thank you, I appreciate it!

[megahnalexandria]

Ah, so it's not that it was just a casual hook up it is that he didn't tell you he had a girl and now you feel like the other womean or something? I would do what you planned on doing, confront him and try to get over the guilt because it wan't really your fault that he cheated on his girl it was his.

[Asker]

Don't get me wrong, I am very upset that he hooked up with me knowing full well that I still had feelings for him (whether it's mutual to an extent or not). It's just that my guilt in regards to the other girl is overriding that hurt at the moment :( As well as my anger towards him blindly putting me in that position.