Why does my boyfriend think it's OK to live off of me?

[wowseriouslywow]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. When we first met, he told me he worked as a process server, lived alone, and supported himself. After we were officially together, I found out that was a lie. He is a process server, but hasn't had any work calls in the entire time I've been with him. He lives in a mobile home his mother owns. He has had roommates who pay rent to his mother. She does not live there.

I live with him now, and our roommate and I split the bills. I work very hard for my income, and I financially support him...which is very hard to do when working in retail.

He smokes weed. I am allergic to weed, but he still smokes it in our bedroom and doesn't care that I have to stay outside until the smoke/smell goes away. This is very annoying when I have to be awake by 7A.M and he smokes in our room at midnight. I've said, 'I'm sleeping so you can't smoke in here right now', but he just lights up anyway.

I wondered where he got the money for weed, and it turns out he works odd jobs for his mother and gets about $100 from her about twice a month. He had been telling me that his friends give him weed for free.

He recently got more money from his mother. And, at the same time, magically got 'free' weed from a friend. I've told him I know the weed isn't free and he spends the money he should be spending on his groceries and gas(which I buy) on weed. He gets upset about it and lies more. Lies to cover up lies.

My main problem is, I feed him 3 meals a day, and pay our rent, and buy whatever he needs, and he spends all the money he gets on weed, even though he knows I'll be angry and hurt.

Why does he think it's OK to live off of me, and spend the grocery and gas money he gets from his mother on weed? Especially when we end up going without meals for days at a time because I am trying to support two adults on retail pay?

If this means anything, I'm 27 and he is 40. I thought it was a point of pride for men to take care of themselves and their woman, and not want their woman to support them.

I can't break up with him. Not only because I love him, but because I have nowhere else to go. I don't know anywhere I would be able to get rent as cheap as I'm getting it here.II can't afford to live on my own, and I'm scared of moving in with people I don't know. As cheap as my rent is now, I am fully capable of supporting myself, but not him too.

How do I get him to realize that it's not OK to lie about how he spends his money(it all goes to weed) and he shouldn't let his girlfriend support him his whole life?

P.S. He does nothing but play on the internet all day, and he won't cook or clean.

Updates

+1 y

He's making a lot of changes, giving him one month to see if they are permanent.

Updates

+1 y

He 1)flushed his weed down the toilet 2) Has signed up for an externship to gain experience with a possible job commitment within 30 days 3) Signed up with a temp agency.


Thank you everyone.


If this doesn't pan out, I have a place with a friend.

[MandMandM]

> I am allergic to weed, but he still smokes it in our bedroom

Selfish prick. By its self this enough to move out for. Your health is second to his high.

> He had been telling me that his friends give him weed for free.

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

> Lies to cover up lies.

We get the character reference. Move on from him.

> I feed him 3 meals a day, and pay our rent, and his needs, and he spends all the money he gets on weed, even though he knows I'll be angry and hurt.

And you put up with this because … ?

> Why does he think it's OK to live off of me

Because you allow him this option, with a relationship thrown in. Why?

> If this means anything, I'm 27 and he is 40.

Means nothing. You should each support each others needs according to your abilities.

> I thought it was a point of pride for men to take care of themselves and their woman, and not want their woman to support them.

Too simple. You should both be there for the other if needed, and stand on your own feet and use any surplus to do nice things for the other if you are able. So for example if I was a factory worker and 10 years into a marriage I had an industrial accident, and couldn’t support my family the same way, I’d have no guilt being supported by my wife or children till I recovered and retrained myself to contribute in a way compatible with my new capabilities. Similarly I’d have no resentment if they needed more help from me.

This happened to me, my wife had serious heart failure in child birth. With transplants she lived another 10 years, but with reduced capacity and not able to earn as much when recovered after 8 months in hospital. She worked her a$$ off within her new capabilities and we supported each other through the whole thing with no resentment or a second thought.

> I can't break up with him.

You can and should.

> Not only because I love him

Sorry, what is to love here? He needs a sharp ultimatum and to change radically and quickly, get off his a$$ and contribute or you should go.

> I don't know anywhere I would be able to get rent as cheap as I'm getting it here.

The rent might be cheaper there, but what’s the point if you spend everything left over on this 40 year old child? Talk to the person who also lives with you and see if you could jointly afford something modest to get away from this guy.

> How do I get him to realize that it's not OK

Leave.

> He does nothing but play on the internet all day, and he won't cook or clean.

Like I said, a 40 year old kid. I seem to manage all these things and to bring up a couple of older kids as a solo parent, and hold down a job to fund us all without welfare.

You firstly need to reclaim your independence, then to find an adult to get close to.

[25yrsofmarriage]

Make a list of pro and cons for this living situation.. also, if you keep doing what

you are doing and expect a different result, I think you will be disappointed.

I think that you deserve to have more for yourself. You only have the here and now

and this is looking like bad news and rough seas ahead..You aren't getting any

younger. Give him 2 weeks to find gainful employment or send that boy packing!

[da5id]

spot on!

[Paulay]

The question was quite specific "Why does my boyfriend think it's OK to live off of me?", so I'll attempt to answer that. A simple answer to this might be if it's OK for girls to live off of guys, then in this day and age, whyshouldn't it be OK for guys to live off of girls? Apart from this, it seems to be a lot easier for girls to get jobs, compared to guys. Barriers to employment are basically dress codes and having "the right attitude". These concepts are applied quite differerntly to girls and guys. I found this question after doing a search for some advice, then I decided to register on here. I wonder what you were getting out of this relationship when you posted this question. Sutely you thought there was something that made it worthwhile? I hear that a lot of people in the USA have been dying of unemployment, but this isn't reported on TV or in the newspapers. Your boyfriend may just have been trying to avoid that fate. As for me, I'm not currently working, thanks to obstacles put up by employers. I have an income of about $738 per month, so that's a lot more than in your post about your boyfriend. I don't smoke weed. I drink alcohol, but I don't have drunken rages or smash things up. I think that by the time they've read this far, a lot of people on this site will hate me, claiming that I'm more or less as bad as the boyfriend you mentioned in your post. To them I say I don't care what you think, because you're sexists and neoliberals! My skills and/or qualities are that I'm an artist, a musician, a linguist, and I can make alcohol. That's four things I could do which I should be able to earn a living from. The fact that I'm not doing that is the fault of the economic system. I don't think that in this day and age "it was a point of pride for men to take care of themselves and their woman, and not want their woman to support them." This isn't or shouldn't be necessary. It now seems impossible for lots of males to do this, even if they wanted to. In your follow up to your question you said that your boyfriend had signed up with a temp agency. I did some temporary office work, but then due to economic conditions the market dried up. I was once registered with ten temp agencies, but didn't get any more offers of temporary work. At the end of the day, unemployment is caused by the economic system. For moe information, search for "Benjamin Franklin" and "Colonial Scrip". I hope this answers your question.

[Anonymous]

I while I can't say I was in the exact same situation I was in one slightly similar on a much less smaller scale. I had a boyfriend who didn't work and the f***er couldn't even drive so I was basically the man. Taking him out on dates, dropping him off at home (he wouldn't even call to see if I got home okay) but at the time I really cared for him and I worked hard for money just to keep him happy. I too also thought that men were supposed to be proud to take care of their women, while good men are proud of that there are losers out there who can't take care of themselves and really just don't care. I know how it is when you can't imagine yourself with someone else because you're so dead set loyal and you probably don't want to hear this but if he's not going to look out for you and take care of you then you have to do that for yourself and that also means putting yourself before him. Also if he's 40 he's going to do whatever he wants to do, he won't change. He will continue to live off of you and get a free ride for however long he can. Also in working in re-tail I don't see how you could handle the crap you probably have to deal with at work and then deal with a grown man that doesn't want to grow up when you get home. Either kick him out and let him fend for himself (or move in with his mother) or try to move in with family or friends. You're 27 do you really want to support a grown deadbeat for the rest of your life?

[missinugianna]

He's an immature ass who thinks about nothing but himself and is totally disrespectful to you. You say you love him but when I read your complaints, what's there to love? My returning question to you is, you've been with this sponging, 40 year old bachelor for 2 years and you haven't dropped his ass yet? Why? ...And by the way, you shouldn't have to TELL him what he needs to improve on, ...he's a 40 year old man who's life is half over. By the time you two would decide to have children and they graduate from college, he'd probably be in his late 60's early 70's...old enough to be your childrens grandfather. And another thing, he's 40 and has yet to propose to you? What kinda crap is that? He treats you like a maid, and his mommie. Start working for money for YOU TO SAVE AND MOVE OUT ON YOUR OWN! You obviously aren't happy, imagine what it will be like in 20 years when he gets so used to you being his crutch. (If you decide to make the unfortunate decision to stay with him just because you "love" him.)

[toosexualcat]

Um... why does he? Because you let him! Hello! Wake up... wth?! 40 year old loser who smokes weed... why the HELL is that appealing to you!?!

Dude, throw the arse out! It's YOUR apartment, not his. Your name on the lease, not his. If it isn't go get it put on the lease. You're a smart girl. You're better and deserve SOOOO much more than this!

Go rent a room until you can get roomates to pay for an apartment but trust me, you need to leave this loser. Don't waste your youth on an old washed up loser! Please don't!

[KarKingJack]

Who the f*** spends $200 on weed a month? He must be on the hyyyyyype shiiit.

Anyway, why your obviously totally in the right, I don't want to agree with you. Maybe I'm a subconscious non-conformist, which would p*ss me off so much, but I just don't. I mean, it annoys me that its totally alright for a girl to want to be supported by a man, and its expected even in this day and age of a girl who's reached adulthood only to look for men with serviceable incomes or job prospects. Whereas if a man wants a girl who'll support him, he's denounced, excommunicated and humiliated.

I don't care very much though. I think everyone should be either dirt poor or filthy rich, haha. And anyway, none of that affects me or ever affects me. And once I leave this question, I'll never think about any of that again. And I've heard that point made before, and its always by a real lameass. Like a real self-righeous f***hunter. So I don't like that point very much, LOL.

The other thing is, however, that you asked this question without even thinking you might be wrong. You very callously railed your boyfriend, and decimated his character, to everyone. Which makes me question your faultlessness here. I mean, seriously.There's something about the way this is written which just really pisses me off, and I don't know what it is.

I'm not saying anything though. because there have been THIRTY FIVE answers already, so everything useful that has been said has already been said. So, doll, I'm just talking sh*t, LOL.

[HonestAbe]

What were you doing before you met him? You were thriving on your own before, right? I'm assuming that you're staying with him since you say that you have no place else to go. If this is your place, then you'd be able to kick him out. Which should be in order if you're at your place. You say that you can't make it on your own anywhere else with rent as cheap as it is... Think about it.

You're living with a 40 y/o man that doesn't contribute. I'll assume that he takes showers normally. That almost doubles your water bill. While you're working, I'm sure that he is hiking up your electric bill too. These are lights and computers and whatever else that otherwise wouldn't be turned on if you were at work. You've said that he eats 3 meals a day. That's a lot of food in a month. Especially if he's a pot head. They eat more. You know this. It's not rocket science. You can take the money that you save by NOT having him around, and you can afford to live somewhere else.

So in conclusion, if this is your place, kick his ass out. If it's his, then you CAN indeed afford rent elsewhere. And don't get me started on this love BS. He treats you like crap. And you should have more pride and self-confidence than to put up with him. He's a leech. Take away his blood source. AKA, dump his lazy, good for nothin, ass.

[M_A_X]

Honey, it sounds like you've gotten yourself involved with a douchebag... and you shouldn't love someone who lies to you. You seem like you're more than smart enough to find a guy you can have a fair, balanced relationship with, so it's just a little disheartening for me, as a good guy, to see women wasting their time on a mess like this.

I'm glad you were assertive enough to talk to him about it at least, though, and I hope that the changes are permanent and that things do work out for you, if only so you don't have to be broken hearted... it just doesn't sound like he has any respect for you, though.

[ArtyGirl]

Constant feedings, working to put a roof over his head, and his absolute immaturity. He is not your boyfriend, he is your son. I understand that you cannot deny your love for him, albeit him sounding so unlovable, but you are only prolonging your own upset. Dumping him in the long run is both easier and wiser than playing caretaker to an inconsiderate loser with no direction in life. Your reasonings for staying with him are substantiated but you are not content or comfortable enough to settle for this. Face what you have to now.

[Cerigo]

The only reason he lives off you is because you allow it to happen. How can you love someone who doesn’t respect you? Someone who lives like a leech from your hard work?

Break up with him. Everything will be alright, I’m sure you can find somewhere to live with a new roommate. He is very comfortable right now, so he will probably try to make you think that you can’t live without him, that you need him, that you need the apartment… well those are lies meant to trick you so that you keep working for him, too keep him living a life of luxury while you work!

Get yourself out of that destructive relationship before you start losing your self-respect.

[lost2010]

WOW! he is a grown man! 40 years old and if he has not changed by now he might never but if he has good luck to you! I would tell him that you lost your job keep him waiting on the back burner that you applied for ui unemployement and still go to work and state that your looking for( work ) JOB save at least two check and bail! get out on your own! honey if you can take care of you and HIM you can do it on your own! IT will be hard but sound like you would be better off with out him you are worths so much more !

[playa_pan]

Seriously, just break up with this 40 year old douche bag. Literally, he lied about working when he has no money, works at "odd jobs" and gets "free" weed from his friends, lights up a joint when HE knows you are ALLERGIC to the smell and cannabis etc.

What a real sore loser~

And look at what we have here! A 27 year old female WORKING and PAYING BILLS and PUTTING FOOD ON THE TABLE for a 40 year old home-less dude... that is embarrassing =/

As far as changes, it's really the lifestyle and seems like he'd be rolling joints and smoking behind your back... in other words, spending money on cannabis

[Broseph2112]

OK, more like... Why do you think it's okay to stay with this loser?

Do you not like yourself, or something? Why are you even asking such a question, and where is you self-esteem?

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm sure you are much better than what you are settling for because you are with a weak boy who will never be capable of ever taking care of a family. Unless that's what you want, which, in that case, your answer is to get another job, or just do what other insecure females do... sell your body for money.

[islands7]

1. Honey, you'll have to move out or the sheriff will coming to get you & your weed, both of which are killing me. If you love me, you'll move out today with no protests nor arguments.

2. Didn't work? You can trust strangers more than weedman .. that need a 3rd of 4th occupant in their rent house to pay bills ... practically as cheap as you have now. Move out - check lease laws; if not near renewal dates, sometimes the old landlord will take reduced payments (about the same as what a tick/leach is costing you now).

3. Move in with his mother or her trailer w/o him!

4. Go home to family.

5. I've heard of girls tricking the guy out of the house, while gone throwing all his stuff out the window, then calling the police to help when expecting trouble but you don't sound mean or tough enough.

[lovergal2010]

I've read most all the comments and I really hope for the best with you and your situation. Please don't let him use you.. I am going through a similar situation although I do NOT live with him. If your guy doesn't get the help he needs please find some strength and let him go. It is really sad that he knows you are allergic and he still does it... I believe he needs some professional help if he puts weed before your health. That saddens me... I know its hard when you love someone. My boyfriend didn't smoke weed when I started dating him and now he does DAILY..i hate it basically because it's ILLEGAL and he emotionally checks out from me. Read my question and you will see I have similar problems...let me know what you think...u can read it through my profile. If you need/want to talk addd me to your friend list and we can since we both have similar situation.

[emzy-89]

he does it because you haven't done anything to stop it. you need to confront him and say enough is enough and leave him. he's not good for you, anyone who knows that something that they are doing is causing medical problems for you and continues to do it doesn't care about you. you deserve better. cut all ties and move on.

[MikeK]

Allergic to weed? =(... This guy sounds like a scumbag.

I've been out of a full-time job for nearly 2 years now and I live with my brother (who's about the same age) but I go to school full-time, work part time, I do all the cleaning and cook quite a bit. I earn my keep as much as I can.

Saw the updates... good luck with that

[TheCheshireCat]

Because he's a user, & figures as long as he has you to support him, he'll never have to get a job, have resonsibilities, or do anything with his life. I call these men leeches, my sisters go for this type of man as well. The best thing you can do with a leech is stop letting it suck you dry & get rid of it. You deserve better, it's better to be alone than stay with a jerk.

[Anonymous]

PErsonally I would say leave but since your not willing to do that just simply stop paying for his sh*t. besides rent. No gas, no specific foods he likes ect... Still act like a couple but when he asks say well if you want gas so bad you will not buy weed and buy gas, if not that's your own problem, its not like you don't have a choice

[liars_paradox]

I don't think that you should continue to be with him, even with the progress that you said that he's making. That progress could really just all be lies and it shouldn't come to you as a surprise if that turns out to be the case, because he's lied to you numerous times in the past already.

Leave him, send him back home to his mom. And, move on with your life. You don't deserve a selfish liar in your life.

[JaredRN]

Are you serious? You need some self esteem and kick this loser out of YOUR place. YOU pay the rent not him, YOU let him take advantage of you. Therefore it is YOUR problem to get rid of him. Trust me, YOU WILL get over it. The sooner the better I suggest.

[randipink]

One thing you should know is that you are empowered to make your own choices. there are option and you need to try and figure out why YOU allow this person to take advantage of you. There is a relationship code called social reciprocity. from what you you say, there is NO reciprocity on his part. when this happens, its only a matter of time before your love for him turns into resentment and then hate. You sound like a wonderful caring person. this is a double edged sword because sometimes your caring and helping becomes a NEED for you to do in order to feel valued. This guy sound like a looser and there are so many red flags. Trust your instincts!

[ikarus]

wow you sound like...amazing...no joke, and this story almost had me in tears till the very end! hahaha! I was gonna be like...i have a guest room! jk. but really, I really do hope he straightens out his life and makes up for past misdoings because he's got a good girl on his hands and it'd be a tragedy if he didn't realize that...

[mab5275]

Okay I was so annoyed by the situation that I stopped after the weed paragraph. He thinks it's okay to live off of you because you LET him live off of you.

He's 40. Once boys hit the age of 25, nuless they have kids they stop growing and changing. MEN DO NOT CHANGE THEY ONLY ADAPT. You may be scared of living with strangers, so find some friends and ask to stay with them until you can find some roommates you do trust.

[Anonymous]

Ok...1st off...You've clearly stated how you CAN'T break up with him because you're in love his freeloading 40 year old stoner lazy ass, and seeing how your too chicken s#$%t scared to move forward on your own, even if it means finding a new place to live, then why are you on here venting all this out to us? Your in a totally mentally and physically un-healthy situation and you're only way to deal with it is by coming online and writing out your sorrows to a bunch of online strangers, who even with our replies, you're not going to take anyones advice anyhow because you've clearly made your decision to stick by your pot head loser man? Hun, stop clogging up these boards with your gripe and groans about your Fk'd up life. Thanks...and have a nice day and oh ya...god bless the soap stone.

[wowseriouslywow]

Actually, honey, things HAVE changed. I packed my stuff and said I was leaving, and he 1)flushed his weed down the toilet 2) Has signed up for an externship to gain experience with a possible job commitment within 30 days 3) Signed up with a temp agency.

So I'm really glad I 'vented all this out' and 'wrote out my sorrows to a bunch of online strangers', because the combined advice really gave me the courage to do what I had to.

[wowseriouslywow]

P.S. Isn't this site made for coming to strangers because you can't trust the advice of the mutual friends of youself and the person you're having problems with?

P.P. S. I find you very offensive, and it's no wonder you have posted anonymously when you are such a nasty person.

[Opinion Owner]

wow, he's made these lifestyle changes in such a short time span, now let's see if he sticks to it, which I very much doubt. Yes, I was blunt, but given that, it's the truth. I'm sorry I gutted you with my reply, thus why you deem my reply offensive. I'm glad to hear that the advice and replies are giving you the courage to do what you have to do. But like you said in your initial comment, you CAN'T leave him, nor do you want to...so...meh, what's the point.

[missinugianna]

...and it SHOULD NOT take for you to threaten to leave him in order for him to grow up, do the right thing and learn what REAL love is all about. is that not completely and utterly obvious to you? he's 40 years old for God's sake! he should have learned those lessons in his 20's, not 40's. you've been with this man for 2 years and he's yet to propose to you. this man is not looking to settle down or grow up anytime soon. and that's a very toxic thing, in the end, you'll be the one who's hurt.