I've never had a long-term relationship...why?
It has never made too much sense to me...
I'm 40 - I've been wanting a girlfriend since 8th grade. As incredible as this sounds (particularly to younger readers), it's the truth.
Maybe I'm too picky, but I'm not sure that's it. I have had some short relationships (usually a month or two) before I get dumped.
I sometimes read up on the "nice-guy" syndrome...but you'd think after so many failures I'd be able to change my behaviour, but it doesn't seem like anything has worked.
Friends say I try to rush into things...and that kills it before it begins. About half of my friends are married, but the friends I spend most of my time with are my single friends...which isn't too surprising because often single people hang out more with single people.
I live in a major city, so when I meet a woman for a date...it's likely I am one of two or three dates she's got that week.
I am not a 10, but I am much better looking than average and I've always managed to attract women throughout my life - HS, College, adulthood, etc. However, I have found myself dumped by guys that were - less physically attractive, less educated, and not even as witty as I am (if I may say).
I've been told that I lack confidence (at this point sure). I've been told that I am too much of a "doormat". That I fall to quickly. All of the usual things that someone would say in this case.
I guess my question is...am I doomed? What I have done is be myself...however, that comes across as a weak and insecure person (which is maybe who I really am deep down). Thus, I have lost (several) women that I'd have married. In the last 10 years there have been 4 and 3 of those in the last 5 years.
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
It definitely seems like you need to change your approach with women. Trying to hold back and jump in 100% right away would probably be a good idea. It may sound cliched, but most women want to feel like they have to work a little bit to get you. If you are just immediately completely available and accommodating, they tend to lose interest and/or get annoyed.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist to work on your self-confidence/esteem issues. That is probably a big part of what is holding you back. You won't be alone forever if you don't want to be. You just need to work on yourself a little before trying to dive into another relationship.
What Girls Said 3
You're 40, so you're past the age of wanting to have kids (most likely). Do you typically go for younger women who are at that point? Who are you dating? Do you have a "type" of woman you are dating that keeps dumping you? Are you shooting for a 10 when you should be going for a 6 or 7? What are your actions when you are dating? Do you call everyday (creepy)? Do you text incessantly? Do you drop everything to spend time with her? Do you have a life and hobbies or do you spend all of your time searching for "the one"?
Do a little introspection here.
From a woman's perspective, its kind of creepy when you find out the guy you are dating has never had a long term relationship, but has "always wanted one". Someone who has found 4 women they would like to marry in the last 10 years, yet who has never had a relationship for over a month, has some serious soul searching to do.
I can't speak for all women, but I do know there are things I look for in a man that make him more attractive as a mate/partner:
1) is he driven, does he have goals, has he achieved said goals?
2) does he have secure employment (yea, it's cliché, but I don't want to be the one paying the bills)?
3) Does he have long time friends?
4) What are his hobbies, is he willing to share the hobbies he has?
5) Does he have a solid relationship with his family?
6) Is he planning for the future? Does he have a retirement plan? Does he know about investing?
7) Does he have a pet? Is he responsible?
8) Is he clean, does he take pride in his appearance?
9) Does he eat well and drink in moderation?
10) Can he hold an intelligent conversation WITH me (or does he do all the talking)?
Obviously these aren't all the things to consider, but they are things that I know I look at.
There's a lot that goes into a relationship, one of the main things that will turn a girl off, no matter what is the "creepy" factor. There is this leer that some guys have, that really creeps women out. No amount of money or material possessions can eliminate it. If you want to know what it looks like check out Millionaire Matchmaker, its the episode with the duck embryos (that guy still gives me the creeps).
I could keep going on what makes a man an attractive mate, but I think you get the drift. And to end with my favorite expression: "Be the person you want to find"
My 0.02: Hang out with men more often; don't read self help books -they may be informative but are not pro-active tools for self acceptance; can't go wrong seeing a therapist who actually talks; get a big punching bag and whack the hell out of it daily; don't talk about your relationship with women; and be really careful about doing what I tell you to do because I have no idea what it is like to be a man.
Just be more interested in the girl and what her wants and needs are. First go slow and just get to know her as much as possible. Once you are dating ask her what it is that she wants you to change about yourself to make her happier.
If you are really interested in getting help go to the self help book section and find a book on dating. Buy a few and read 1-2 books a week and try to make yourself more of what women want.