Have a boyfriend, but I like a coworker?

Question

I have a boyfriend. We've been together for about 2-3 years, and I'll tell you upfront it is long distance. He's in the Army. I've been to visit him a few times, and I really care about him. We've even talked about getting married and things like that.

However... About half a year ago a new guy started at my job, and my first impression of him was "Hey, he's cute". Nothing more than that. Unfortunately as time went on we started talking, and last week he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him on one of my days off. I said yes, and I kept telling myself it was just so our friendship wasn't limited by our lunch hour or 15-minute breaks.

I told my boyfriend about this because we always tell each other things like this, and he didn't seem too happy with the idea of me hanging out with him. At one point he even said it sounded like I was trying to convince him to let me hang out with the guy (In my defense, I was half asleep at the time of the conversation, but I will admit that was what it sounded like...).

So even though I probably shouldn't have, I hung out with him yesterday. We met at the mall and walked around, talked, went to a guitar store, and by then it was time to go because he had to work that night. He drove me home and on the way he mentioned how we needed to hang out again and how I was cool to hang out with. Then he started to say something else and pulled the wonderful "Ah, never mind" line. I am a total dork 99% of the time, so I jokingly told him that I would eventually get what he was going to say out of him, maybe not today or tomorrow, or months from now, etc. He decided he would tell me when we got to my house. We got there, and after having a very hard time saying it, he told me he liked me. He went on to explain that if I didn't like him like that it was fine and he understands, and we could still be friends because he does think I'm really cool and funny, then he just kind of waited for my answer.

I didn't know what to tell him or how to word it, so I was quiet for a while. He started talking about how he would like to be with me because he was looking for somebody who had an idea of what to do with life, and I seemed to, and if I didn't want to he was okay with that. I told him that that wasn't really it. I warned him I might sound like a horrible person for answering him without having time to think, and I told him I have a boyfriend. He then goes "Oh... I didn't know that." I just kind of nodded, then told him, "But if I didn't have a boyfriend... I mean, I do like you..." At that point it got really hard to talk and it got quiet again. After a few more of my dorky comments about how it felt like I swallowed my tongue and such, he had to go.

I gave him a hug and told him I'd see him at work.

I feel absolutely horrible about everything. I love my boyfriend, but at times it seems like we're drifting apart.

I just don't know what to do. It seems like every answer I get isn't the one I want.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Finra · Accepted Answer

Anyone in a relationship with someone in the military and then dumping them for someone 'general' is the worst. You have no idea how much it hurts the person in the military when he/she is already facing disgusting, horrible things everyday, all that pressure and stress they have that you'll never in your life can experience. They need love more than anything; to the government they are just tools; but to people who actually want to love them they are HUMANS not machines.

My boyfriend and I are 6500 miles apart, and he's in the military and I'm a university student. I've only been with him coming up to 4 months; so I wouldn't say I wouldn't be in your shoes after 2-3 years - I admit that. But Hell, breaking up with him is the equivalent to saying "Just go and die". He can't live without me; I give him all the mortality. He tells me all the time - We soldiers live on mortality; a soldier without mortality means death. - If you think about it; its true.

Let me tell you somethingg; his co-workers - knows about him being in a relationship with me. They laugh at him, and say how this relationship with me won't work, because I will end up finding someone else in real life and dumping him for a new guy. My boyfriend was being teased and abused publicly in front of his team that works under him - he is a Corporal. Being bullied like that; how would you feel? Put yourself in his shoes. If your boyfriend had the same thing, if he had to face the same situation; how would he feel?

Later on when I talked with him on Skype, I was being tough on him though at the same time I was being rather squishy; but usually, when my guy is weak, I'm automatically tough and strong. So I said - I don't want this happening anymore. I don't want you to be laughed at, being humiliated in front of your men and being treated like a machine/animal. Maybe its better for you to actually find someone in real life that is as strong as you are, and can fight by your side, defend you, protect you and you both can smash that mofo into bits for what he said.

Guess what his reaction was?

HE FREAKED. HE FREAKED OUT SO BAD.

He screamed and cried like a maniac - saying No No NO NO! Don't say that! Don't leave me Don't leave me NO - He cried like he never did before.

How can you leave someone like that? How can I ever stop loving this man?

I will never leave him because I truly with my heart and soul, LOVE him.

If I did, I would be the world's crudest woman in humanity.

I'll never want to be in a relationship anymore.

I don't want to face anyone anymore.

I'm so disgusting and horrible.

I gave hope to this guy,

and at the moment of his most vulnerable state, I leave him.

I don't think I can do anything worser than this.

I hope you can feel what I'm saying. This is just yesterday for me.

Think of dumping your boyfriend in the military as "Just go and Die" - its the same thing.

He'll be thinking of you every second and lose focus; and then be at risk; etc.

To me its a indirect murder.

shweta · Accepted Answer

Being a girlfren of a army man is a very precious thing any1 can do. You are giving him the love and emotinal support which he truly needs and if he told you not to hang out with your colleague and was hurt when you said it to him then it clearly is an indication of how much he loves you though its a sign of being possesive.

Above all the job he is doing is highly risky and responsible and every1 knows the kind of life a army man goes through. If you respect and love him and what he is doing with full your heart and don't want to be a reason for his failure in lyf because of mental depression he undergoes if you cheat him and if that makes you regret more leaving you with no option other than punishing yourself for the mistake you do then please don't move any futher with your colleague. Be his fren if you want he will also be a gud fren to you and no relation is as precious as friendship.

And who knows your colleague's may only be a crush on you wich may not last long. what will you do if he loozes interst in you once a person more interesting than you comes into his lyf ?

attractions are different and feeling for some1 is different.

THINK!

devotedlyopinionated · Accepted Answer

This decision's really hard. You just have to really examine your heart, eventually your boyfriend will be out of the forces and you could be together without the distance. Then you have to think about your coworker, is he what you want? Or even more, do you believe he's worth it IN THE LONG RUN, to dump your boyfriend for? If he's not for the long haul, you're going to miss out on the opportunity to be with your boyfriend really and end up without either of them. This is nothing people on here can decide, examine your heart, Is the coworker worth breaking up with your boyfriend? Because your boyfriend really hasn't had the fair chance to be your boyfriend in your town, getting to see you everyday. He's only gotten to be your long distance boy.

GuyAdviceFromGuy · Accepted Answer

Here is the thing.

I used to like my co worker. We got to talking a lot and even ended up going to the movies, going out for walks in the park, holding hands, talking for like 4 hours really late at night till the morning hours, telling her bed time stories over the phone, her singing for me, and I even drew pictures for her and even gave her a bracelet as a token of my affection. I thought she really liked me, but it was hard for me to figure her out because something...just something..was stopping her just enough to move into relationship status with me. I kept thinking why she would take 4 steps forward then randomly, 10 steps back. And she always turned everything around and said it was my fault, and she would "cause" or instigate fights at work and then take those 10 steps back. When she said she was no longer interested in me (I asked her out for dinner) she told me everything was my fault and that it could never work out. I got pissed because I pursued her for almost 6 months and thought she was single. She never told me, but it turned out she had been dating a guy for 3 years, from another state, and that she was engaged to be married. Found this out from a friend of hers who I had befriended. Also, things at work got awkward, eventually both of our behavior led to everyone at work finding out we had a thing for each other. I guess she liked me, but she was already in a relationship for a long time and it was causing mental and emotional conflicts in her head.

The moral of the story

--Don't date co workers

--You are already in a relationship, so even though it was very noble of you to tell your co worker off the bat that you are not single, it wasn't noble to go behind your boyfriends back and hang out with this guy.

--You asked your boyfriend if you could hang out with him. If he said yes, you wouldn't have felt guilty at all. This was your way of trying to deceive yourself into feeling no guilt when allowing another guy to "hang out" with you.

--Also, the fact that your co worker told you he liked you shows that he has no game whatsoever, and that should be enough to not pursue this. Who says after hanging out the first time they like someone?

--If you do go out with this guy, things will get really messy. Either for you (problems at work and in your relationship) or if all the sh*t get dumped on your co worker (like what happened to me) things can get messy for him. Find out how much you really love your boyfriend first, if you don't...by all means, keep your options open. Hang out with dude on a co worker basis and see if things progress intimately from there, who knows, you might not even like this guy after knowing him for a month.

--If you want to be a player and date more than one guy, do it in such a way that they aren't aware of each other. But you have a conscience, right?

TexPlayboy · Accepted Answer

Well it seems to me that you are missing your boyfriend and are in need of some attention. Maybe expecting you to sacrifice 2 or 3 (or more) years of your life waiting on your boyfriend is too much to ask. You are in the prime of your life and are having to live with a choice HE made. Having you at home meets a need for him, but having him in the military is not meeting your needs (unless you guys are financially co-mingled). So his needs are being met better than yours.

Now to address the situation with your friend at work (If the last two months have not made things more clear). The situation is almost exactly the same as you and your boyfriend but reversed. Now your needs are being met by your new friend (you are getting attention), but his needs are not being met because he can not sleep with you. Or if you have, then everything is compromised, and it is time to do damage control and make a choice. My guess is your military guy is not interested in allowing you the freedom to meet your new friends needs while he meets yours, and it be casual until your man comes home.

Everyone makes sacrifices, we all get to choose on some level which ones we sign up for. You are young enough to make changes in your life and still have a good outcome.

Good Luck,

James

Anonymous · Answer

I think you can't avoid the feeling of "drifting apart" because from my experience, long distance relationships often don't end well. Its very hard to stay away from someone you love. It is not unusual for you to feel the need for a man in your life. You have to be very careful of who you love. He chose to be in the military not you, you are not a bad person for wanting to live a normal life. God forbid anything happen to him, you will be devistated. I think you should have a long think about your boyfriend. Do you guys really have a very special connection that you will never have with anyone else? Or is it just 1 of the many loves you will have in your life? You have put your emotions aside because love is an emotion and people can feel it many times, even with the wrong person. You gotta ask your self; Will you guys have a good future together? I don't recommend hanging out with your co-worker again before you make the decision of whether to dump your boyfriend or not. A lot of unfaithfulness starts out as "being friends", and you don't wanna turn into that type of person.

Hope this helps, good luck

Anonymous · Answer

okay you choose.

it's the army boyfriend who misses you a lot or this new guy you just met.

ask yourself, who loves you the most?

and place yourself in each man's shoes.

you should have told the new guy that you already had a boyfriend. I think you should stay away from him for awhile. lunch breaks and other work breaks will be fine but after work? I don't think so. it'll be like dating. and make sure that when you're with the new guy, you have someone else to accompany you so that it won't seem like you're dating him.

you're already committed to your boyfriend so I think it's wrong to flirt with other guys. if you don't stop with the new guy, you'll end up hurting hearts.

littlemisspetite · Answer

I would say stick with the boyfriend in the Army...whose to say it will work out with the co-worker...and you may end up giving up something great for something that ended up being a fling. Dating someone in the military is hard but its a reward in itself...and the outcome will be well worth it. You will look back and be proud to say that you are/were a Army gf/army wife... Don't break your mans heart by some momentarily high school crush. If you really love him stick by him..

awaken03 · Answer

Your feeling horrible because you like the new guy and all, but you actually did the right thing and telling him your committed..Now if your not sure of your current relationship with your Boyfriend better break it off with him first if your gonna pursue the new guy..Don't feel horrible with what you did..you wouldn't want the idea of entertaining him behind the back of your Boyfriend because that's unfair and  cheating..

Captainyesii · Answer

Okay, think about it will you put everything you have a stake for a mere crush? Relationships take time and effort, and sometimes that effort is keeping the romance alive try spending time with your hubby you haven't know the other boy for very long,who know it could be a fluke. I was once in you position and I chose the crush. I regret it to this day. Think of the consequences font act on impulse. I miss my ex, he was good to me. And I gave him up for a crush. Now I spend my days wondering "What if". && missing his g.morning and night texts.

Skybaby0214 · Answer

Its very common that people crush over their coworkers. I have had 3 jobs and always had a little crush over a co worker. regaurdless of what the conditions are, you should remember one thing. if you left your boyfriend for this man, and it didn't work out with this man, know that you still have to see him every day! I learned to never date o co worker or neighbor.lol

Vasillilaw · Answer

I think that you'll figure it out.  If anything like this happens again just remember this very important saying...curiosity killed the cat.  In some cases exploring what could happen isn't the best option.  Sometimes it can lead to very detramental things.

KaKaya · Answer

I think that you are just lonely. Don't hang out with this coworker again though because it WILL lead to something you'll regret later. Your boyfriends in the army. He's far away. Just wait for him to come home. See if everything is okay and you still "love" him and if so nothing bad happened with this other guy. If not then you can break up with your boyfriend IN PERSON and start talking to this coworker.

lericah · Answer

Your stuck in a tough place. I disagree people in the army are just as human as the rest of us so don't feel that his work somehow requires you to continue a long-distance relationship with him. You just need to assess who you'd rather be with. Will your current boyfriend be in the military long term or will he leave after the required time?

BamBamBoo · Answer

Do you love your boyfriend? I think that when you start questioning whether you do or not, that's when you aren't sure of your feelings anymore. Ask yourself are you wiling to wait for your boyfriend for as long as it takes, and give up the rest of your life or see other people. I think you should just ask your boyfriend for a break, and meet other guys, maybe not have another relationship but go on dates and flirt and if you know for a fact that's not what you want then you always have your boyfriend.

AlexGV · Answer

Well in my opinion it's just a petty crush, what you said about drifting apart, in my opinion I think that it's because of the crush you have with your co-worker. What you did was very wrong...going out with him while your boyfriend said no. So my advice is this , think ...and think really hard about what you want in your future, would you like to lose your boyfriend that you love for what seems to me like a high school crush?

And I don't mean to offend with the way I said the things above

Shaun · Answer

I don't understand men who have girlfriends AND enlist in the military. Not very bright, if you ask me.

Anonymous · Answer

wow that's really long. reading this question felt like homework. in the marines we have a name for girls like you...

Danikan · Answer

Sometimes you have to what feels right at the time and press with no regrets.

big_poppa_pump · Answer

go for the co-worker...n dump your bf

kevinfeng · Answer

If you decide ,you may do it.

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