What's the point of having serious relationships while you're young?

[evo220]

I've read and heard that you shouldn't date anyone younger than 22. people who marry young get divorced much more often than older people.

every relationship I've had has taught me a lot, so I understand why older people are less likely to divorce - they have more experience and have learned more lessons, so they know what they're getting into and know how to handle it better. BUT every serious relationship I've had has caused me and the ex a lot of pain.

so, why do we, as young people (I'm 22 by the way), want to get into serious committed relationships when it's almost guaranteed to end painfully? ESPECIALLY in college when we probably live far apart over the summer and will probably end up far apart after college is over.

I want really badly to have a girl to share life with and learn about and love another person, and to have sex be about love, discovery, communication, appreciation, and excitement instead of just satisfying my shallow needs. BUT I don't know if it's worth the inevitable pain that is very likely to come when the relationship ends.

what do you think people?

A.It's worth while to have a serious relationship when you're young

B.Relationships are a waste of time, energy, and emotions while you're young

Updates

+1 y

this is a great discussion, thank you so much for responding. I've seen some great logical points and some very interesting opinions from people who would rather follow their hearts.


I'd really love to hear more stories/details from personal experience; especially from people who are not in their teens and early 20s, but maybe from people who are in their late 20s or early 30s and have 'been there.'


keep it up, everyone

[toulouse]

If you marry young, you will be young enough to date for years before getting married again, should you divorce after the honeymoon period is over which is 6 months to 2 years.

dating young gives you experience, that's all. thays the only reason. its rarely for marrying. but if you do fall in love early, get married you have wiggle room for divorcing & remarrying.

i mean dating young- why not. if you want to break up, you can. so what's the harm. you still meet people in a profound way if only for a few weeks or a few months. life is to be lived and experienced. so why make meaningless rules.

relationships don't waste energy YOU do. you would have to let it waste you. experiences are ALWAYS valuable. obviously if you are not compatible you should get out. staying where you do not belong, is draining. but if you like each other, its no big deal. should not be anyways,

if you are afraid of pain.. well you will be in pain whether you date or not. Its part of life. you get to choose some of it, but you can't avoid any of it. its part of growing up. growth spurts come in physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, intellectual forms.. And you can't escape pain. but you can learn from it, grow stronger and wiser from it. life continues whether you decide to join it or not. I think its better to be a willing participant.

of course if you do not WANT to date. do not. but do not use lame excuses like age. people mature at different rates. Some 15 year olds are more mature than some 40 ear olds.

do what you want, but Love does not escape any age, so that's a retarded reason to not get involved with someone. bcause you are under 22. lame.

I do not think you SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT have relationships when you are young. I believe you SHOULD have as many healthy experiences as you can in life, and when you are young, experiences often find you in the for of a person who inspires you intellectually & turns you on sexually & comforts you emotionally & keeps you moving physically.. They just often come to you as romance.. but if not do not worry about it.

I would neither look for, nor run from relationships, go with the flow of life as it finds you & as you run towards it. its what human beings do, they taste life. while they can..

[Anonymous]

I didn't date until I was out of college. When I was in high school I liked a boy but only from a far. I wrote in my journal of the qualities that I knew I wanted in a man and the qualities that I knew I didn't want. When I grew up and finished college I went to a new state and had a fresh start with a new reputation. Back home I was the shy girl who was not talkative and very secretive and not a big flirt at all. At my new place I was still that same person but I let the neighbors, my new found cousins and so on and so forth know that I wanted a serious boyfriend. I went out with about 20 guys in 1 year. A lot of guys wanted to know why I was so good looking, smart, and wise and yet without a guy. So there was a line of guys waiting to date me after I was done with college. I didn't sleep with anyone because I value the act of sex too high to sleep with just anyone, I wanted to save it for marriage. So I waited and found a nice guy whom I use to know when I was kid, in the state I was in. Then we "dated" and talked for a few weeks-months and then got married a year later (so I dated near age 23 and got married near age 24!). I am now 25 and still married, so I guess it's OK.

Even though I didn't have "sex" and a real relationship with any guys, I did get to know a guy from my church really well. We knew each other as kids, and he did break my heart really bad. I liked him since I was 16-22 and I still love him now. He was perfect in every way, he didn't go clubbing, drink, do drugs, he was mega smart and pre-med and now going to get his ph.d in medicine. I mean he was all around perfect for me, but the thing is I knew we were going to go our separate ways after High School. He got accepted to a really high bar school (like you had to be super smart to go there) and I went to the college in town. So I mean, I let him and me focus on school instead of make each other a big deal. I knew that afterward he found a girl from college and married her a year later after me (on the exact date I did too, only a year later). So he just got married this year :).

[queenofpeen]

I think that the experience and lessons learned are worth the pain.

As I get older, every relationship is better than the last, because I've learned so much about myself from the past AND learned about what makes relationships work. I think it's possible to meet someone perfect for you but still screw it up if you aren't mature about relationships and know how to handle any problem that might come up.

The pain is usually temporary, the "wisdom" is usually permanent.

[evo220]

looking back on it. I agree

[BrighteyedAsh]

Well said.

[ryanrhino]

Well, I fell in love at 19, got married, and yes, we are getting divorcing, but not by my prompting. I did fall out of love with her, as she fell out of love with me, but it took months of her inaction.

My parents were high school sweet hearts, so I know it can happen. I have a mix of friends who dated in high school and are still married or divorced.

Personally, I think a serious relationship young teaches you an incredible amount about yourself and what you really want in a partner. Your surface needs will change over time, but your need to connect at your souls will not change.

I would not change anything that has happened because I would not have my beautiful daughter nor all of this knowledge to use to help others.

[evo220]

thank you very much for sharing that. it's interesting that you fell out of love simultaneously, or at least almost at the same time. I usually see one partner growing away from the other, while the other is clueless about it and ends up heartbroken. I'd love to hear more about this if you don't mind.

[ryanrhino]

She fell out of love with me months before she told me. Then, over the course of a few weeks of me feverishly working on those things she asked me to improve upon (which I had been great at when we were dating and became complacent), I asked if her feelings had changed after I had become an even better partner.

It's tough to love someone who doesn't love you back, but what you truly want is for them to be happy. I was angry and hurt at first, but now I'm happy that she's happy without me.

[evo220]

that sound almost impossibly difficult to me. but if you can do it it must be possible.

[ryanrhino]

Well, before my divorce, our first break-up 10 years prior was the hardest thing I had to deal with, so this was just scaled a bit higher in intensity. You'd be surprised what our souls can handle. Movies sure dramatize the situations, or do they? ;D

[TM123]

relationships are good at a young age, they help you become more confident with the opposite gender, which is a good quality to have in life. they also help you for future relationships. even if you go through a breakup at a young age it makes you stronger in the long run. kinda sounds cheesy but its kinda true

[hazeleyes91]

I used to think that dating when a person is young was pretty pointless. I ended up in relationships with some pretty bad guys and got hurt one too many times. Around my junior year of high school I had no desire to date at all until at least college began, if not well into college. I figured there would be no decent high school guys and that it would just end in hurt. I had fun having friends that were guys and flirting for a couple months. Then, I started talking to this guy (Nick) and we just had a blast hanging out. We shared a lot of the same interests and values. In the process of becoming best friends, we realized we were perfect for each other and that we really should be together. For about a week or two into dating I was afraid that I may get hut, but he put all my fears to rest. I had no clue guys like him existed. He treated me in the most loving way imaginable...as if he was the most honored person in the world to be with me. We fell in love within a few months and I knew we would be together forever because there is nothing I wouldn't go through for him. All of his good qualities far outweigh the bad and I refuse to live without him. Life just wouldn't be as great and full of joy without my love. We've had our rough times and came out even stronger. After graduating high school and starting college, we had to go through the obvious transition into young adulthood instead of being so dependent on our parents. There was a point that we either needed to choose to work through some tough times and them as a chance to grow together OR allow ourselves to drift apart and move on. We were mature enough to admit what needed to change and to actually go through with changing it. Now our relationships is better than ever. I think part of the reason why young people have a high divorce rate is because they start to change as they get older and grow apart rather than focusing on sticking together. I do think that it is rare to meet someone worth while when a person is young, but it can happen. There are high divorce statistics, but I am confident we are the lucky few that make it out good. A huge reason in my opinion as to why the divorce rate is so high among young people is the fact they marry for the wrong reasons. I have heard people I graduated with say their problems will be fixed if they could just get married, or they want to get away from their parents, or that they should have a baby and get married to unite them together and make their problems turn into love. They are so clueless about why people should get married and what it takes to have a successful marriage. I can totally see where you are coming from, but give love a chance if you meet a good woman...if not you may be missing out on the best thing that will ever happen to you. You can't put a time frame on when someone will find love.

[buggab0oxx]

I think it's important to get in long term relationships while you are young. You never know if that person could be the one. I'm in college too, and yah distance is hard but I see it as if it's worth it than both people will make it work.

When we end long term relationships we end up learning more about ourselves and what we want in a relationship. It will always be painful no matter how old you are when you end a relationship. But I think it's good to find out what we want in someone else when we're young so then we are not naive about it when we marry. You don't want to have just flings when you're young then when you're 25 have your first serious relationship and jump into a marriage or engagement that could potentially be very bad because you have no prior experience for relationships.

Any person who you think is worth being serious with, you should be serious with. If you break up then so be it, at least you can walk away with something from it and use it in your lifelong relationship that is in the future.

[saphirasilverwings]

I don't really agree with either choice. If you meet the right person while you're young, a relationship with them can be very worthwhile, but the relationship needs to be limited to what's appropriate for that age group. A pair of twelve year olds shouldn't be acting like a married couple no matter how much they care about each other, because they're still kids and they need to have a childhood. And teens (and everyone, really) should be careful for their emotional and physical health. Getting too serious, physically or otherwise, can obviously be a bad idea at times.

But how can you learn and grow if you don't let yourself experiment a little? Being in a relationship can teach you communication and partnership skills. Besides, when you meet someone who you really like and you want to be with, I don't see the point of not being with them just because you might not marry them. Things could end up working out better than you think. Or you could just have some great and educational life experiences on the way to finding someone who is a better match.

[evo220]

it sounds like you're choosing A. now, in response to your last sentence, I think the hardest thing is finding the right match at the wrong time. after that fails, because you're too young, you tend to not give others a chance because they are not as good of a match... even though you have learned from the experience, it's hard to classify it as just that, a learning experience.

[saphirasilverwings]

Well, better to find the right match at the wrong time than never to find it at all, I would say. There are lots of difficult situations that can arise, but that's just how life is.

[jkdoub]

I'm almost 21 and I'm engaged to a 22 year old, so it's obvious what side I'm going to be on...

There's two sides to the whole 'what age should you marry thing.' Yea, a lot of people who get married young don't know what they're getting themselves into. The rest of your life is a long time to be with someone, and there's a lot you're going to have to go through together. But I think if both people acknowledge that and are determined to work through anything that comes along, it's fine. My fiancée and I have been together for 2 years and because we've worked through every problem we come across, we have a great relationship. The downside for getting married later on is that you're already stuck in your ways and its normally very hard to get used to another person's way of doing things. This can be from doing dishes to dealing with arguments, whatever.

But when it comes down to it, it really depends on the people. There's plenty of really clued on 18 year olds and really immature 40 years olds.

[Eiffelgirl21]

Here is what I do:

I date to find my soulmate...to find the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. When I was younger I dated for this reason. But, was naive to know that no boy would be serious at the age of 15. I did find one boy...but, it didn't work out..We dated for 2 years..but, we were both immature and had a lot of growing up to do. There is nothing wrong with dating young, in my opinion...I am looking for the "one" when I date. And it is worth the pain...because you learn from your past mistakes.

[Shiner4]

When you are young you are going through so much already and there is so much pressure to find who you are. It is a time in life to expirience freedom and opportunities and too often I have seen girls give this freedom up because they believed they were "In love". While I am only a rising sophomore in college I see that effects of putting all of your high school years in to a relationship in my best friend. She and her boy of 4 years just broke up and after the break up she had a pregnancy scare. There is so much overwhelming and unneccessary drama that for me wasn't worth putting up with to be in a relationship. I'm only 19 and I'm very happy with the decisions I've made so far. Someday I want to fall in love but right now I like casually dating and getting to know different people. I want to make the most out of my freedom and enjoy life!

[OjosOscuros]

Everyone is different. I got into my first and only serious relationship when I was 16. I went into it wanting to have a serious relationship, to perhaps marry my high school sweetheart, and not be about games like the rest of my peers. It lasted 3 years and ended with pain of course. It helped us discover what we wanted for our future so we realized we were not meant to be. He got married a year later and I am enjoying my freedom at 22. My sister had been dating around since she was 13 with older guys but then when she was 16 she met a 19 year old boy from her high school. 10 years later they are still together, holding strong, making it through the good and the bad :).

[Anonymous]

Here's an idea... have a serious relationship, but even if it lasts till you're in your 20s, don't get married until you're absolutely sure.

I had a 'serious' relationship when I was 14-15, inevitably we broke up and I was heartbroken, but I had so much fun with him and I'd do it all again.

My current boyfriend and I got together when I was 18, now I'm 21. We're both mature, and so we have no thought of getting married any time soon, at least not until we've lived together for a year or two.

The problem isn't youth, it's maturity and people making big decisions too soon.

[Eiffelgirl21]

I agree

[FashionNerd]

It's not stupid to have a serious relationship when you're young. Yes, divorce rates are higher for people who get married at like 18 and such, but that doesn't mean don't have serious relationships at those ages. How else are you going to get relationship experience for when you do get married, if you're going to get married later? getting hurt is a part of life, and not every relationship is destined for failure, even if it starts young. A teacher at my school married his high school sweetheart and they have been happily married for more than 20 years.

[ShootingStar5]

Because we learn from the pain and everything that went wrong or just didn't work. That's why relationships usually work out better when you're older. Because you can reflect on your past experiences. If you don't date til you're older then you wouldn't have the previous experience so you'd probably still go through the same troubles, just later in life.

[Phoenix1991]

quite true =)

[kimmy28]

I wasn't sure about answering this question as I am older but I know people who have been together since they were younger than you and are believe it or not very happy...still I also know couples who married before 22 and after 27 wanted to leave but stayed for financial reasons etc. I think relationships depend on the 2 people and working as a partnership, becoming not only lovers but best friends. Growing together is about the hardest thing young people have a hard time with...but I do believe it is possible.

On a note the ratio out of 10 couples who marry young before 25 only 3 will still be married by 35...young people including myself could learn something for seniors today.

[cutebubble]

well there's something meaningful in having relationships when you're young. You need to learn right? You need to practise, just like any other skill. Because the first relationship doesn't always go perfectly. Yes there may be heartbreak, but you have to experience that too. You have to go through all the things that will make you stronger as a person, make you understand more, turn you into a better person so that you will treat other people better. Only one of my relationships with a partner I was abused, but the rest of the relationships I could see the good sides in people and it taught me what to do too, to be more giving.at will make you stronger as a person, make you understand more, turn you into a better person so that you will treat other people better. Only one of my relationships with a partner I was abused, but the rest of the relationships I could see the good sides in people and it taught me what to do too, to be more giving.

[-StillWater-]

People need to learn..and what better way to learn than from experience.

While you're young you meet people, you decipher them. You learn body language and other forms of non-verbal communication. You make friends, you take part in relationships. If a young person is in a long relationship they feel secure, they see what it's like and if it's going well they have something to compare it to later on in life so as to see if that prior or latter relationship was/is in fact good or not.

However, I do not condone relationships that lead to marriage in such an early age, but everyone should be able to decide for themselves. The problem stems from the fact that people under the age of 25 don't really know themselves all that well yet, and those that say they do aren't looking hard enough (introversion and introspection are often times extremely underrated).

Hope I helped =)

[brifaye]

If you don't date until you're older, you go into the dating scene completely clueless...A serious or semi-serious (as almost all young relationships are) can start to prepare you for future, more serious and long lasting relationships...It can sometimes help with responsibility and any emotional problems.

[Dylan1989]

How old is ''older''?

[brifaye]

like late 20s

[Anonymous]

I say relationships are a waste of time, energy, and emotions while you're young and here's why:

With all the girls cheating, destroying marriages and engaging in casual sex, guys who get in a relationship young without as many partners or having experienced sexual acts that their partner get retrospective jealousy;

From their past experiences girls build up likes and dislikes, and enforce that with new sexual partners in a relationship. So a guy wanting to try something his girl has experienced will feel shafted when she doesn't want to let him experience it. This again causes more retrospective jealousy;

Eventually the retrospective jealousy gets so bad from eating at them until they break off the relationship sleep around, experience what their girlfriend did and when they are satisfied with having experience enough sexually, then they look for a relationship again.

[Stereotype]

You learn something important about yourself every time you give yourself to someone else.

Even if the relationship ends badly, you still are better for the experience. And it's a lot better being single if you have the perspective of a relationship in your past.

[trinababy_x]

My mum told me at my age (18) I should be having fun, and not settling down. But I don't think she's right, I think at any age especially 18 if you like someone, and you can see yourself with them in the future then you should give it a try, although most guys would disagree.

[lananoel]

Agreed.. Why give up someone who is TOTALLY worth having to date a buncha random guys that probably will only want to screw me cause they're "YOUNG" ...

[fabulous_13]

I'm barely eighteen so as of right now I don't see the point in being a serious relationship, I rather cassualy date. I don't want to waste my youth on one person. I've seen to many other people waste months and even years and in the end they regret it and realize it was all a waste of time. I'm not completely against the idea of being commited. If I'm in a relationship I'm in it. In order for me to want that though the person would have to be something special.

[colt1819]

There is no point besides the learning experience. It depends on the person whether they learn anything or not. More than likely those that develop great marriages in the future are those that learned. Seems most people do the same stuff over and over, that is why the divorce rate is so high.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

If you can't figure it out, you shouldn't be bothering with one and just find girls who are similar like that. No big deal, everyone's different.

But it's so enjoyable to me. To be with someone who you love who loves you. Putting each other first and spending our young lives together with the energy it entails and the lower responsibility. It's nice. Sure there are things we won't have until we're older, but it's worth it imo.