Why doesn't my wife like sex?
I don't understand. I do everything she asks of me. I support her on any choices she makes. I put her first and foremost above anything else. But I'm lucky to get it once every couple of months. It's starting to really get to me. When I bring it up she gets angry and tells me I don't need it everyday, and I'm not getting it nowhere near everyday.
I do my best to meet all her needs both emotionally and sexually when I get the chance. But ever since we got married she has had hardly any physical desires for me. I don't know what to do. It is just as emotional as it is physical to me. I LOVE her with all my heart.
But I don't know how much longer I can take not feeling wanted or desired in any way. Any helpful advice from anybody is welcome. I don't want to leave her and I need advice to help me work this out with her.
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
I can relate to you on this one, but I'm not sure I can help you. I'll just tell you it happened to me as well. I had the same problem with my ex-wife of 5 years, and looking back on it, I think its all about honest communication, or lack of it. There's obviously something between you two that's putting up a wall, and translating into your sex life. She doesn't feel close and intimate with you for some reason. You need to find the root of this, or it will just go on, and get worse. That I DO know. Mine ended up in divorce. Not just because of this issue, but it sure didn't help us stay together.
Whatever you do, don't go outside of your marriage for sexual satisfaction. That WILL end it! If you reach that point, you probably are better off divorced. Because all intimacy is lost with her if you cheat. My best advice is to try talking it out with her, and try to find the root of your problems. Whats keeping you from communicating? You may even consider counseling if she will go. Just don't let it go on...it doesn't go away with time. I hope this helps you a little...Good luck!
What Girls Said 5
Do you think perhaps she feels a bit suffocated by all your efforts to please her and meet her emotionally? Do you constantly ask her to do it? You said that since you got married, she has not had sexual desire. Do you recall any changes in your behavior since you have been married? Try to figure out what has changed since you got married and maybe that is where the problem lies. She could also be struggling with something internally that maybe has nothing to do with you. If she is i.e. depressed, she might not feel sexually desirable. So try to think about it clinically and try to be understanding of her feelings. If you constantly ask her for sex, she will pull away. Try spending time with her and relax and not ask for sex. See what happens...
Well I would try going on dates again, just because you're married doesn't mean you can't do the things you guys did before you got married. Do little things like if you get home from work before her buy roses and drop the petals starting at the door leading to the bath tub. Run her bath water and put rose petals in it and light candles for her. Make sure you let her enjoy it alone. And see what happens.
This is a tough spot, and is a form of "abuse" in a way--we need to feel wanted by our mates and when we don't get that nurturing, it can be a form of emotional abandonment. You need to let her know that the lack of intimacy between you two is making yo feel undesirable--talk out your feelings. The best way to do it is to try to plan some time alone. Take the kids ( if you have any) to your parents, then cuddle up and chat. It could end up in a fight, but that is good too--let it all out.
In the end, you can't force people to do what you want. If her emotional detachment continues, and you can't resolve it, then you may have to do a trial separation. Maybe if she sees that you are willing to make steps to go on without her, she will realize how much this is hurting you. Let her know it isn't just about sex, it is about closeness and the desire to be with her in a physical way--it is spiritual and bonding. Just tell her how you feel--bare your soul...Good luck--I'd like to know how it goes for you!
Do you have children? after childbirth some woman lose their desire to have sex. If you do not and your not having other marital problems then it could be something she is going through physically that she herself is not proud of either. she could need medical attention and is embarrassed to bring it up. it could also be something psychological that she is going through or that is from the past and sex brings it up. Talk to her about it without forcing the issue let her know you do not have to have sex that you love her regardless but if she is having issues you want to help her get help and if she feels comfortable with the idea you would like to help her get through whatever she is dealing with be understanding and realize she may be feeling just as upset about this as you are
You should definitely talk to her about it. Tell her that it makes you feel unwanted, that it's not just about the lack of physical satisfaction.
There's also the possibility that sex is painful (although I would *think* you would have gotten some sort of indication before now...), or there's something physically wrong.
And maybe try to start with little things - kisses on the cheek, backrubs, stuff like that that's not necessarily sexual, but increases physical contact.
What Guys Said 4
When we were dating, my wife was an absolute total freak -- ANYTHING GOES was her policy. For the first time in my life, I found a lady that could keep up with me -- there were times we took each other to the bedroom seven to nine times in a day. No matter what I did, she loved it and it showed in the way she responded -- screams, moans, sighs, body trembling, cumming again and again and again NONSTOP.
Then. We got married. She didn't want to cum anymore because it 'takes too much energy to go off' on me; she's there for me, not for her; she's tired; she's stressed. Kinky. GONE. Giving me head. GONE. She swears that she loves sex with me, and that there is nothing wrong; she's just stressed and tired.
I sat her down and explained to her that I love her, I am mad-crazy about her, that I don't want anyone else but her; but, I NEED her sex; that I miss her -- the way she looks while having sex; how she tastes; how she smells; how she feels. Talk with her, tell her exactly where you are at -- that you want her and you want to serve her in the bedroom.
What I do for my wife may work for yours:
- Draw her a hot bath in a candle lit room; play some soft music; if you have kids, YOU handle the kids while she chills out -- tell her YOU are taking the reigns.
- Let her soak in the relaxation for as long as she wants.
- When she is ready to get out, come in, gently lead her out, then begin drying her off. As you do, kiss her body. twith her cheek, then her neck, shoulders, then her chest; turn her around, drop to your knees and begin drying her lower back -- kiss her lower back softly, then her legs -- kiss her thighs -- especially the back;
- Bring her in to the bedroom. Lay her down, and explain to her that she is not in her bedroom -- she is in her private massage palace. Have her lay face down, completely nude (Have a blanket handy in case she feels chilled), then drape the area of her body that is not being massaged. Take your time on her. As you begin massaging her, kiss her body some more -- great erogenous zones to be aware of: Back of her neck; shoulders, her arms and hands; ribs; hips; thighs front, back and inside; feet; stomach, chest; front of neck; sides of neck; cheeks just below her eyes.
If she is getting wound up (Turned on) you will know it, gently spread her legs as you are kissing her and slowly and tenderly begin caressing her lips -- if she is wet -- AWESOME! Use that to begin 'covering' her clit. Tenderly and slowly begin rubbing her clit in a circular motion -- SEE HOW SHE RESPONDS -- if she arches her back and moans or begins breathing harder keep going -- slowly. This is when you begin kissing the front of her body as you are moving down the front of her body. You have one goal: Go down on her slowly, passionately and intend on working her G-spot -- she will cum harder than she ever has.
RESULT: She will want more sex -- way more -- than now.
Well my friend, join the club. Ive had many women in my past being a 44 year old Army vet and having a chance to travel. I'm now 10 years into a marriage with 2 children. My wife will have sex with me about once a week. But she's not into it with me. I don't want a partner who not interested like me. After countless conversations about exploring what turns her on or if it's a physical problem Ive realized one thing. She has to want to make the change.
Some women just don't like sex and there is nothing that will magically change that fact for them. Nothing you say or do will change that unless they feel they need to change themself. I give up after all these years. I have a lot of resentment towards her about this and it reaches into other aspects of our life now as well. I do have 2 great kids I enjoy but I know my sex life will always be much less than I expected. Be honest with yourself at this point in your life. Can you go on in your current situation knowing it will be the same or worse later in your life? I promise you that's what will happen. You will not change her. She will wear you down until you quit trying. Be prepared.