Why is my ex blaming me for everything? and why is he the victim?

[Anonymous]

I dated my boyfriend for a year. He was my first love etc. Things began to change a few months ago. He had less and less time, and I was less and less important. I spoke with him about this, but things didn't change. I began getting my on life. We then broke up. I was tired of never being a priority. He panicked and begged for another chance. I told him that we could try. By trying he meant for me to be available 24/7. He did not want me to spend time with friends etc. He is controlling and has a very bad temper. When he gets mad, he doesn't listen to anything. I was put on the back burner for months. He cancelled plans, would ignore me etc. for months. So now that I have tried to move on he is very angry. He tells me that me caring for him was a lie etc. Our whole relationship was based on his rules and his schedule. I supported him and his busy schedule for months. Now somehow I am the bad guy. I asked him if he wanted to think about things, and he said that he had and that he was tired of being hurt. I am so confused, because he knows we broke up because he blew me off time and time again. So now I have hurt him? so my reply to that was OK. He then got angry and said that this was so easy for me. I said no I am just respecting your choice. I have not replied anymore. Please someone help me understand why I am the bad guy? becasue I don't understand

[JoshRS]

My ex girlfriend demanded a lot of my time and if she didn't get it there would be hell to pay. Of course, when she was filling her time with me she would get agitated and say I was smothering her. It was back and forth like this all the time. She never canceled plans with me though, but as far as affection went I was second place to her pet cat.

When I would try to make plans with friends she would get mad, but I heard from these same people that she told them "I never get out of the house and spend way too much time with her."

WTF woman. The constant push/pull feelings she had for me got annoying to say the least. She controlled my finances, my personal habits, told me who I could hang out with, got mad if I had plans and they didn't include her, but wanted space if I was around her.

I said some things to her that "she doesn't think she deserves." and now we're no longer talking. Tried telling her that in order to respect her spacial needs after the breakup we couldn't keep chatting like we were still a couple, and that pissed her off. I just couldn't do right by her, before or after breaking up.

You're not the bad guy. You're just dealing with an emotionally unstable person who can't figure out their own needs and feels hurt when you 'wrong' them, and trust me when there is control and anger involved, nothing you ever do will be right.

Just walk away. Stop responding to calls, texts, email, etc. If you don't you'll be at it for weeks, if not months and just keep hurting yourself. I didn't want to end mine either, but not feeling guilty and like I am on eggshells is a wonderful feeling now that we no longer keep in contact.

[FutureJarHead]

I'm a guy and i just recently lost my ex. I am so protective of her and end up being a controlling boyfriend according to her. I just told her not to talk this one guy because that guy was the reason I was depressed for a long time. I told her when she talks to him it just reminds me of the past and she said she understand me but she kepts on doing it, she starts deleting their messages bc she said I'll get mad at her and the texts are all innocent ( oh Yea they live right next to each other ) then she said I was controlling. And she gets mad at me when I tell her to pull her shirt up so her cleavage won't show and I told her when she wears spandex its a see through, I never told her to stop wearing it I just told her my opinion. Then every time we argue I would always ask her if everything is ok and she would say yes and no more down feelings for each other, when she broke up with me she changed all of her answers, she said that we never really solved our problem together. She brought everything in the past when she broke up with me. She blew up on me and blamed me for everything. She also broke up with me because I have to work and I'm busy 24/7, she told me that she understand that. I'm the one who always call her during my break on work and Skype her at night. After 3weeks she tells me that I don't make an effort to see her when she knows I'm busy. She tells me that I play the victim part of our relationship

[Anonymous]

Honey, I have been there...

He is a typical controlling, manipulative and posessive person. Just like my ex. I thought he loved me so much but that was part of the game. He doesn't love you my dear. He just love the idea of you. You give him an ego boost because probably you're the narcissistic supply he gets. He doesn't want you to leave because loss of control hurts them alot. He has to take this decision not you. I have to tell you that they get worse ..never better. If you stay any longer, you'll be used, manipulated, lied to, etc... and this will affect your self-esteem badly. Living with a narcissist or sociopath like those is definitely a traumatic experience. I've read a lot after I left my ex because I didn;t understand why he was doing that. He leaves you empty, confused and in denial. He blows hot and cold, It's all emotional abuse dear. Please leave. Just hold your head up high and leave. Save your sanity.


You'll feel so much better. It will be hard at first but trust me it's been 3 months now since I left and I feel great now =)

[Crimson_Petal]

He's projecting. He knows he screwed up and he's not ready yet to come to terms with that so it's easier to just push the blame on you for the time being. To some guys the way to not get upset is to make others upset. It's not grown up or nice but it's just their coping mechanism. Just try to get on with your life and everything will turn out fine. He just needs some time to really accept what's happening and his place in it.

[Asker]

Thank you! I agree that that is what he is doing. I guess it's hard to see the guy who I loved and felt safe with turn out like this. I've decided to move on and leave him alone. I have also decided not to reply to him if I hear from him. At least not until some time goes by. I miss the old him, but there is not much chance of him returning. And I don't like the one who appreared a few months ago. I'm just gratefull I found out before we went any further. Thank you again!

[angelwithin]

I'm going through this right now and I'm fighting back. Soo the advice I'm giving is from my current situation and I'm following it too. Don't look back.. you're not the bad guy and you have done Nothing wrong - at all. It took forever for me to figure this out. Just move on with the new guy.. he will treat you Much Better, I am sure of it.

[Asker]

thank you! I decided that fighting back is completely pointless. He is only concerned about himself, which is the way it has been for a while. I have chosen not to reply to him and move on! its time for me to smile a little, and not be so stressed out by him

[angelwithin]

i'm taking the same advice to my situation as well. good luck to us! hope we are happier soon.

[Asker]

good for you! its a little harder than I thought. I think because I am so used to hearing from him. But I am just doing my best to stay busy

[angelwithin]

I wish it was easier for me.. mine keeps trying to contact me and if and when I reply, he ignores me on purpose. but yet he keeps contacting me whenever I finally feel a little better.. it's like hell.. I ignored him really good the last time he tried to talk to me (Monday) so he has not talked to me since and it's driving me crazy. I had to delete my messsengers and I'm going to change my number (hopefully), because I realize I keep waiting for him to talk to me.. and he won't even care if I die

[Asker]

i understand completely. it is like I don't want to talk to him, but yeah I want him to apologize. I havnt talked to mine since last Friday. I have heard that he has been drinking, drugging, and hooking up with random girls. Which all three of those things are not what he normally does. He has put it all on FB. I chagned my profile so I wouldn't see his post anymore. I have to constantly remember that he blew me off for months and treated like a 2nd class citizen.

[angelwithin]

yeah its easier this way.. moving on is the best. the wrong guys do what they want to get our attention only when they want it and that's not the type you need

[DaveJord]

See people like this guy, pick their victims very carefully they seek out people they feel strong towards, because they know that they can use and manipulate them. Its usually a form of BPD.

They use tactics like love bombing, gaslighting and blame shifting. They shower you with affection at the start, then they start gaslighting you then blame shift everything as if was your fault.

They do this as a means of controlling your emotional state and use that power to emotionally manipulate you. So, for example if they can make you angry, then your anger is to blame. If they can make you feel guilty, then your feeling of guilt is the issue. They can rationalize everything in a way that puts it back on you. They literally are projecting their feelings on you then blaming you for the way they feel.

Its total manipulation game, and mind fucking... you start to question your sanity at some point because none of it makes sense. You start questioning everything, because at the start they were so amazing and they treated you great, but they have conditioned you to accept their emotional abuse... because they could really be this great person, but it is you that is messing it up not them.

Through all of this whole process they never once take any responsibility for their own actions.

So, you are still playing this game, and you are still under the mind fuck, because you still believe there is something to figure out. When honestly you already have figured it out, but you can't except the truth... because if you have truly and honestly accepted the truth you would not be talking to this guy or wasting any more emotional energy on it. Be you are still under his spell, because you thinks some how if you could really understand what's going on maybe you would be in a better place.

But truth really is you are already in a better place with him.

This has everything to do with him and his emotional state... and nothing to do with you.

[Oreodere]

Well, there it is... He's a manipulative asshole and you are not obligated to deal with his childish behavior with that disgusting tantrum of his... You are not that bad guy ! He's gonna suck the life outta you ! Leave him... Periodt.

[Staximus]

You're not the "bad guy" you're dealing with a narcissist. Somebody who never thinks they are at fault. Nevermind that idiot and move on with your life.

[nat4210]

He is blaming you because he cares, and he loved you, and probably did a lot for you..

to guys... it seems like we are thrown away.

He is just hurt, and he will get over it. just discontinue contact with him for couple months..

[Asker]

thank you:) and actually I did a lot for him. The last few months of our relaionship was filled with cancelled dates, never anytime, and only wanting "certain things." I communicated how I felt several times, and tried to be very patient. I finally had to make a decsion and take care of me. He panicked when I broke up with him, stating that he would change then. He didnt, instead he blames me...i miss him, just nothis behavior.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to understand, you know that you're not and that's enough. You have nothing to prove to him. He doesn't deserve anything from you including the energy you are spending on this