Is it wrong to flirt with a guy if he has a girlfriend?

Question

Back story: I see Ryan every Wednesday for 3.5 hours for lab and every Friday for an hour for recitation and we sit right next to each other. He's attractive, smart, older, and we have so much in common it's not even funny. We make each other laugh like crazy, always say hey and bye to each other, and have little inside jokes. He always compliments my outfits and especially shoes and says he likes them.

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until he mentioned her once when our other lab partner said her name was Brittany and he said that's his girlfriend's middle name. I was so disappointed when I found out he had a girlfriend but he hasn't mentioned her since.

We have such amazing chemistry that it makes me so frustrated that he's not single because I would date him in a heartbeat. My friends tell me I should break them up but I don't know. I want to know what the story is with his girlfriend, so I was thinking about asking about her casually when we see each other next on Wednesday after fall break.

What do you think? Don't give the generic 'he has a girlfriend, back off' because I already know that's what I should do but it's not necessarily what I want to do.

dreamtime · Accepted Answer

Honestly, there isn't anything wrong with what your doing at this point as its just harmless flirtation.

At this point, I'm going under the pretense that your friends with him and he conciders you as such. Unless he gives you reason to believe he wants more, everything will be fine... you'll just have to deal with the fact that your friends that have chemistry which does suck for you.

Theres no reason for you to back off or dodge him because at this point, there isn't any reason to be however if he'd be trying to obtain more while still dating his girlfriend, you should keep him at a distance as I doubt you'd want him to cheat on her in order to get together and if you would want anything to happen, you'd rather have it happen while he's single.In that scenario, its fine to actually mention your point of view if need be.

I wouldn't drop it in conversation that your into him and would date him in a heartbeat as it'll mess with the friendship you have at this point, he might start dodging you to prioritise his relationship which I assume you don't want either.

Spend time with him as friends and sooner or later he'll tell you about his relationship most likely, if he mentions its all good then you don't have a chance even if you'd apply yourself, if it wouldn't be going well then you do but only if he realizes that himself.

just my 2 cents

Yeahhbro · Accepted Answer

you are still thinking about this guy Ryan? I have read two questions of these, with this name (maybe its just me) and you are still not together, its time to move on. I mean you always talk about guys should have balls and talk to girls and how guys shouldn't talk to girls because they are afraid of rejection (didn't you write an article about it too?) even if their experiences have made them unable to do so. Well the same applies here, why are you even thinking of breaking somebodies relationship just so you can fulfill your own desires...do you know how unethical does that sound? The funny thing is that if you try to do that, he might actually end up liking the other girl more than you or he would end up just using you and if you end up breaking them up, at the end of the day he is going to go crawling back to his girlfriend.

Funny thing is that you say that you already know what to do, then I don't even know what you are asking here, if you already know the answer. Its OK if you are friends but as far as breaking them up, that is just crazy.

fascination_streak · Accepted Answer

Let's flip the situation around here...let's pretend you ARE the girlfriend in the scenario. You find out second hand your boyfriend ,who you care for deeply, you believe you have an amazing connection with and feel complete with had this type of interaction with another female. I'm sure you will feel uncomfortable, see some red flags and your defensive mechanisms will shift into high gear. But, imagine he decided to leave YOU for her. Your heart will shatter, your disappointment couldn't be measured and your faith in the opposite gender will officially go in the toilet.

Believe me, I know what it's like to meet an amazing guy you feel this incredible chemistry with. You truly believe your path crossed for a reason then you find out about HER. Oh yea...the brick walls crash down upon your heart. However, who's to say their relationship will last? It may or may not.

In the meantime, I think you should do the 'right' thing and keep things platonic, if you can honestly do that. I think if you plot to break these two up, without it happening naturally (If it does), that you will regret it. Moreover, I ask you to revisit my initial point about how you would feel if the roles were reversed. You need to keep a clear mind here so you don't attempt to do anything too impulsive.

missxbrightside · Accepted Answer

please don't be a homewrecker.

i dated a guy for 5 months then moved overseas. he was my first time and vice versa. we kind of grew apart because of me moving, so 3 months later we agreed to break up. I later found out that he cheated on me with his best girl friend after I moved. he is still with her, 3 years later. sure that would be a good outcome for you, but for me it took me a year to finally get over him. it broke my heart because he was my first and I thought I could trust him, but then to find out that he had cheated on me when he knew he was my first and that he meant a lot to me. I don't know it just killed me. it still hurts today.

so there's a story from the other side. maybe you'll disregard it, but please understand that it hurts the other person, no matter what. I'm kind of like what these other people are saying how "they are growing apart, etc." but either way, I still cared for him even though we were growing apart and it still hurt after I found out he cheated on me.

FierceMegan · Accepted Answer

Your first paragraph - He likes you as a friend for sure.

Your second paragraph - He never mentioned her because either he is not 100% in love with her, having hard times with her, or he's on love and wants to keep it on the down low.

"My friends tell me I should break them up" <---That is not cool. I don't suggest that.

What do you think?

I think you two should remain close friends. Close enough that he can talk to you about his girlfriend. If anything bad ever happens he can talk to you about it.

How do you do that?

Ask about his: family, friends, school, work, girlfriend, etc. Ask lots of questions so you know everything about him, and he feels like he can come to you.

Be there for him always, and never talk bad about anyone (which I am sure you have no problem doing).

TheGodEmperorLeto · Answer

Your friends are horrible people...

Look at this logically. If he is able to be broken up by one girl from another, how long until a new girl comes around and does the same? Would show he's not good at commitment.

And it's terribly dishonorable, immoral, and a serious lacking in integrity that they are saying you should break them up :\

As for the flirting, I dunno, I don't think it's a big deal when you didn't know. If he's flirting and has a girlfriend, he seems unloyal to me. You flirting when you didn't know, no big deal. Now that you know? I'd say it's wrong. But if you're not actively trying to break them up or anything, I don't think it's horrible, but ya...

And being a grown up is often realizing when we need to do what's right even if it's not what we want to do and then doing what's right. Sadly, so many people never grow up or at least entirely (hell, I wouldn't say I'm fully grown up >.> if I was I'd do work before playing games or watching TV or going out instead the work gets put off until after.. hehe)

Prof_Don · Answer

"What do you think? Don't give the generic 'he has a girlfriend, back off' because I already know that's what I should do but it's not necessarily what I want to do."

Funny that you asked this ?, but you said this in your answer, pretty much denoting "tell me what I want to hear".

I will NEVER defend the "break them up" option EVER. Doing that is bad karma, plus it show that he's weak to temptation. Why date a guy that is THAT weak to temptation?

I know for females finding a good man is hard to do. This guy's girlfriend definitely found a good man. Respect their relationship and leave him alone. Don't be a selfish relationship-wrecking whore.

If he wants to break up with his girlfriend WITHOUT YOUR INFLUENCE...then by all means go for it..

P.S. Pardon me if I come off overly strong. I simply feel very passionate about respecting relationships and not doing anything to jeopardize such.

kkandbb · Answer

I don't think anybody appreciates the "My friends tell me I should break them up but *I don't know*" wow... that's kind of mean. Don't think of her as another girl, think of HER as your friend. If another girl was trying to break up your friends relationship what would you think about it? Would you have the same callous disregard? You and your friends aren't horrible people but you are too self-concerned and aren't looking at it from anybody else's viewpoint but your own.

I know you like him and keep flirting but try not to be too mean about it, eh? And DON't be the other woman or break them up on purpose. Cause when it happens to you, you can't say you don't deserve it.

Apodyopsis · Answer

Put yourself in her shoes. Poor girl's probably going to have trust issues for like forever because her boyfriend cheated on her with another girl.

Not to mention that it's a REALLY bad start; given how you guys would start off, how could you trust him not to do the same with you later on?

IMO, bad bad idea.

ryanrhino · Answer

You DON'T see me every Wednesday. Quit lying (heh).

If you were his girlfriend, how would you feel if another woman was trying to break you up?

Do the honorable thing and just be a friend, please. Don't cause any pain.

Consider that Ryan a test and me the wiser, older Ryan helping you avoid a situation you may later regret.

taster · Answer

He has spoken no vows or oaths...he can break up with her at any time of his choosing...I am not entirely sure what my opinion is regarding flirting/seduction...technically, if he is not married, then he is fair game.  I see ALL kinds of married people going out on each other...and so will the rest of you when you are older...does that make going after someone's girlfriend or boyfriend ok?  I don't know...I guess I am OK with it...marriage, after all, is for when you have FINALLY made up your mind.  At the very least I am fine with you asking about her..if he never talks about her..have to wonder how important she is to him...might have already have broken it off...I would actually encourage you to ask about her...

karenirving307 · Answer

yeah that can be hard to flert with a guy who has a girlfriend and I don't think you should try to break them up I mean if he's happy with her and she's happy with him then y'know if its ment to be its ment to be but if he feels the same way as you then that's awesome but then again what if his girlfriend really loves him its hard in these types of situations but for now at least just be he's friend and mabe in the future if him and his girlfriend break up then just be together its not a good thing to wait for someone either trust me know you could be waiting to get a chance with this guy for years and still never get it so I think you should just be his friend at least right now and see if you have stuff in common with another guy

Catie101 · Answer

i am long distance with my boyfriend and if my boyfriend were in this situation I would be devastated. I would follow the rule treat people how you would want to be treated. if this guy were your boyfriend you wouldn't want some girl flirting and trying to take him away from you. its okay to be happy, but find it with someone else. there are plenty of other guys out there you don't need to screw up a relationship to make one. when I was single, even if I liked a guy in a relationship I wouldn't try to break them up and I would try not to flirt with them because that's disrespecting his girlfriend (even if I didn't know her). now I know you were likely looking for reassurance that it is okay to flirt with him and try to steal him away so I am not just going to tell you what you want to hear. there will be plenty more guys you fall for... you don't need to get your heart set on a guy whos already taken.

BoobMan · Answer

I'd say don't worry about it, but don't get ahead of yourself either.  The two of you are just flirting and having fun.  Nothing wrong with that.  But no need to focus on "breaking them up" or anything.  If you're fun and flirty and he always has a good time with you and you always have a good time with him, that's enough.  If he ends up breaking up with his girlfriend for whatever reason, he knows where to find you.  In the meantime he may have some parties you could go to or friends you could meet which will broaden your social circle and will likely result in a few good dates or even a boyfriend.

Verimas · Answer

If you want to go for someone in a relationship the why the hell not? It's not like your friends with his girlfriend. If you find out you can win him over then there's nothing wrong with that, it's his choice who he dates not the other girls choice. And if that happens obviously their relationship wasn't that strong or serious anyway so it was a matter of time anyway. And to those who say that's not fair, it's a competition it's may the best man/woman win not let the competition win because you better and don't want to hurt their feeling or whatever

PoeticNinja · Answer

I think he is interested you but has no intention of leaving his girlfriend.

Personally, I don't agree with your friends. Karma can come back and bite you in the ass for that.

Maybe, his girlfriend doesn't deserve this guy that you like. Be yourself, show him that being with you is more fun.

Be fun, flirty.. Don't give him whatever he wants. Make sure he knows, that he can't have you till he breaks it off with his current girlfriend. I don't think you want to be the 'other' woman.

Missionoftri · Answer

If you want to be respectful to his girlfriend then the obvious answer would be to just remain friends and don't pressure him. But in all reality you are single and not doing anything wrong. You've got no personal commitments. It's up to him to refuse your advances. Otherwise all is fair.

KERMlT · Answer

Just be his friend and playfully flirt with him. He didn't seem to be bothered by it to begin with so obviously it's okay with him. He will also get a chance to get to know you and perhaps it will work out in the future.

Draw the line at some point where he isn't cheating. You don't really want to date a guy that cheated on his current girlfriend with you. It might come back to bite you in the end.

icecreamlover · Answer

i think its bad to have the title of homewrecker, even if your intentions are good and you feel like you have more chemistry, you have to be a good person at the end of the day and leave it to destiny, if he really wants to be with you he will make the call for it but otherwise its not a good idea to flirt with him and such...

also if he leaves his girlfriend for you now, what if tomorrow he leaves you for another girl, is he really a trustworthy guy?

whattodoo · Answer

1) how would you feel if your boyfriend was flirting with some other girl or if some girl was flirting with your boyfriend? can you take it?

2) How would you trust a guy who hasen't mentioned his girlfriend to you?and the fact that you got to know of it because of someone else...probably he would have never told you..isin't that cheating..having a girl friend and flirting with someone else?

you are in the euphoria..on cloud 9..life is much more than that...get out of this before things get too complicated...

FrancoBattiato · Answer

Do as you would be done by. He avoided mentioning his girlfriend, so he'd probably cheat, which means he'd probably cheat on you aswell. Put yourself in her shoes, she's got this guy who as you said is amazing, and you're defending the 'break them up' option.

You already know the right thing to do, it's whether you will do it or just try and take what you want and f*** the consequences anyway that will show you your own integrity.

Longshot · Answer

You're always free to inquire about his relationship with his girl. It could be a strong one or you may find that things aren't going well especially if he's flirting with you. You never know about relationships.

Your friends advice about breaking them up may NOT be too good. Things like that get messy and ugly. Even if you did break them up, --- where would his head be --- with you or still with his his ex. Breaking them up would never be clean.

kriskiss · Answer

well a girl I liked neglected to tell me she had a boyfriend for awhile but still flirted with me like mad. in fact she referred to him as a friend when we first talked(women are sneak)

from a guys pov--if he is super into you he will either cheat on his girl with you or dump his girl altogether and date u----trust me. if not he's not super int o you or really luvs his gal.

Lucky-bella · Answer

I think its okay to flirt with a guy who has a girlfriend, but its then what the guy chooses to do afterward that is a problem. I don't think you should try and split them up. If you really are meant to be with him it will happen naturally, right now I think he is just your friend.

bobmorane88 · Answer

Honestly, I don't think you are doing anything bad, right now it's just innocent flirting right?

However what you shouldn't do is make him cheat on her with you, because this will show that he is the cheating type of guy and you don't want to be with that type of guy.

Yes I think you should ask him a little more about his relationship. Maybe you are right and they are drifting apart. If that is the case then you could probably start dating. AFTER he breaks up with her. There is nothing wrong with that, happens all the time, its not like they are married.

But if he's relationship is good, then really you shouldn't try to make him flip over. If you do that somebody could get really hurt (might even be yourself)

Is it wrong to flirt with a guy if he has a girlfriend?

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