I am a 27 year old single guy that just got out of a relationship in june.

Question

I am really not quite sure WHY there are many views to my questions but no responses, ...maybe because it is a runon sentence? in any event, I really am in pain and need help, please see below:

I am a 27 year old single guy that just got out of a relationship in june. We said we'd like to be friends especially since we work together. We were friends with benefits for 2 months but that made it weird and after that I slept with other women (as cheesy as it sounds ) in order to do d myself and fill some kind of "void".

I told my ex about it and now she's saying " she doesn't know me anymore " and " our relationship meant nothing apparantly".( which is totally untrue) I keep reaching out to her as a friend and she's so cold and bitchy to me. On top of this I really don't have any friends because I'm a workaholic and never go out(the friends I had were "our friends" but now they are really HER friends since they live close to each other etc, I'm an outcast)

. Do I just leave her alone and if she calls me she calls me? What do I do to be happy and not need love from others?keep g busy with work only helps so much. I like to think I'm a pretty good guy but why no friends or those that really care about me? ( I make tons of friends when I go on vacation)WTF

: btw we work together, all went out for new yeears last nite and she disrespected me but ALWAYS "i am the one" who screwed up, she never admits to anything and I called her a horrible name, now she's unsure if she even wants to talk to me anymore. I think

I need to give her space but it really hurts, I still love her but know a dating relationship wouldn't work, but she's so bitter at me for lying in the beginning about how many partners I have had...cut my losses?

, she's also saying our friends are on HER side, and she totally makes me feel like a loser and I am the only one with issues, like I am a bad person. very depressed here guys

amberview · Accepted Answer

1. Women and men play games. It sucks and no one should do it, but we teach each other how we want to be treated. If people just told each other what they really felt the world would be a much better place. No girl ever dumped a guy because he was being too nice. That's a common misconception. "Nice guys" lose out a lot from lack of confidence, not because they weren't assholes.

2. We women are bombarded with information about how men are assholes, cheats, liars, can't love...you name it. I'm not forgiving us for believing it, just giving you the reason for the problem.

3. It's hard to be friends with someone that you love. At least it is for a woman.

4. In order to have friends, you have to make them yourself. You have to ask another single guy to go for drinks after work, go to a game, etc. Try asking someone recently out of a relationship. You'll both have something to bond about. He'll like it because it will help him get his mind off his ex too.

5. If you want a relationship with her, then you should just tell her that. She may really want one and resents you for not wanting one. It's another one of those games that people play. "uh, I want what you want."

6. Sometimes women tell you that something is "ok" and it's not ok afterwards. It sucks. They shouldn't do it and it's up to them to change that part of it. You can feel free to point that out to us at any time though. Try saying the words, "I feel..." and finishing it with what you are feeling.

7. Never call people names. It doesn't do anything good for you.

8. You should be nice to her, but not a door mat. Don't feel guilty about the sex outside of your relationship with her. It was really none of her business if she wasn't in a relationship with you and you shouldn't have told her about it. Don't kiss and tell. If you had cheated on her and wanted forgiveness that is a different story.

9. If she calls you, be nice, to the point, and then get off the phone. If you are working together you shouldn't really play games and keep igniting a bad fire. Women don't like being ignored and sometimes act irrationally when they are ignored.

10. By the way, friendship with a previous boyfriend personally would be difficult for me, especially if I loved them. We get all these chemicals on the brain and they just don't allow for a lot of rational behavior as much as we want to be. I might could be a friend years later.

11. She may actually want a relationship and feel rejected and such that you don't want one with her. This goes back to the games that men and women play with each other. We both keep waiting for one to say what they want. When they don't answer, we start assuming what that means. I don't know how many times I have screwed up in my answer when a guy asked me what I want. I usually said, "uh, what do you want." I probably should have just said, I want to be your girlfriend...duh?" I was afraid of scaring them off...

introspective · Accepted Answer

I see two things here. First, you said "what do I do to be happy and not need love from others?" That is key. I hope you don't think I am sounding offensive because that is not my intent, but in order to have fulfillness in your life you really do need to find an answer to that question. You should not need others to be happy as you are just that.. needy, and to suck the life out of someone else to appease your void is just wrong and unhealthy, not just to the other person but yourself. Find outside interests from work, volunteer somewhere, take up rock climbing, etc., anything to find out who you are. If you had this much self love it would not matter whether people at work loved/cared about you or not. Go to work to do just that, do your job, get paid and enjoy your life outside of work. A confident man could care less who likes him or hates him. As long as you like yourself.

Secondly, you told her about having sex with other people. I hope you learned a valuable lesson in that. NEVER tell anyone what is between yourself and someone else. That is no one's business but the parties involved. Again, ask yourself why you told her that? What was the purpose for it? Did you have an underlying motive? If so, reevaluate yourself and refer back to the first comment I made. Move on and this will all blow over. You could sit her down and explain your feelings and why you did what you did to try and make ammends then leave the ball in her court to choose whether she can still be your friend or not. Whatever she and your "friends" decide is on them, respect their views and move on. It is the only healthy thing for you to do for you. If she cannot accept it, then you can see why you never should never tell your intimate encounters to anyone. They are yours and yours alone and not anyone else's business.

julialindsay · Accepted Answer

okay I see two sides... first of all, you need to take care of your own insecurities (sorry, bitchy I know) if you need to fill a void by having sex, that's a whole issue in itself, and that's probably the part she's upset about, but the fact that you do so to make yourself feel better. She probably assumes that she was just another fling to make yourself feel better. You are a valuable person and you don't need sex to validate yourself that you are interesting or desireable, and that's something you need to work on yourself. I also think she is wrong for being so bitter, she needs to realize that she too is human and makes mistakes. You have 2 choices, grovel beg and plead and do whatever she wants, but she will always have the upper hand in the relationship, and you will be at her whim for the entirety of it, it will be an unhappy and miserable relationship it will be worse than you feel now. Its a break up  because it broken right? or you can salvage what's left of your manhood, move on and realize that you need to work on yourself and then once you have improved your self security you can move on to someone else to lead a happy healthy life with functional realtionships. Note that the two of you may just not be meant to be. possibly have a talk and tell her you need to be civil because you work together that your sorry about what happened, but lets move on. if she won't answer the shone write a letter. if you cannot be civil at work, consider a transfer or other employer. As far as stealing friends...if she's even able to do that I'd question the quality of these friends in the first place, plus you can always find more. try a singles group- not necessarily a dating group, just an activity or outing club. Try to steer clear of sex for a while, while you heal. Sorry if that was harsh, I'm just trying to be straight up!

x0x-JLD-x0x · Accepted Answer

I really don't know what to say that can make you feel any better, and I don't want to tell you she's not worth it or you should forget about her, becasue I'm not sure about you, but when I ask questions about the guy I'm in love with, I always get answers back saying stuff like, his not worth it, his using you bla bla bla..and that really hurts when I read that because ok I'm really thankful for people who answer my questions because it helps a lot, but what I'm saying is..your never going to get the full story in the questions...the questions are usually one sided...so after reading your question I can't make any judgment on ur ex..because you haven't told me the full story, I'm not going to say ur waisting ur time because you haven't talkes about the good stuff with her..do you get what I'm trying to say? Lol

Anyways if I can give you any advice it would be..us girls can't stand knowing that you guys have slept with someone else..it actually hurts...we like to believe that were the only girl you've been with..we may already know that your going to move on whatever but when its said out loud it hurts...

If I can say anything else its that there is a possibility that ur ex is jealous and hurt about you being with other people, and she is trying to hide her emotions from you by ignoring you and changing her attitude towards u...the only reason I'm saying this mite be the case because I've been in a similiar situation and I tryed to ignore him to hide my feelings...just give her some time...don't give up on her straight away..ease off slowly..if she loves u...she will eventually come around.

Don't ask why we do this instead of just confronting you's about it..because I don't even know the answer to that lol...

Sorry if it was a bit long...but I hope it helpd abit.

tex151 · Accepted Answer

You broke up in June and your still venting man you need to get yourself another girl. Forget your ex they are called exes for a reason the only thing they are good for is random sex but other than that nope don't mess with them. They never work out again. Find yourself another girl, I am sure there are other girls you work with besides your ex, I am sure your guy friends know some women its really not that hard just move on, you have vented enough it won't work out with your ex so forget her and find a better girl sucks but a new relationship is what you need someone brand new.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If she disrespects you, then she isn't worth it. Also, I think your personality and demeanor are very bothersome to some people. It's possible she doesn't want to be around you because you depress her. All in all, you probably just need to find better people to be around.

jadiee25 · Answer

I would give it some time and space before you try to contact her again. She is probably hurt by the fact that she has found out that you have been sleeping with other women. I think you also need some space so that you can think about what you really want and about how you have been acting.

I would give it a couple of weeks before trying to talk to her so that you have both had time to breathe, think and clear your minds. I know this will be hard and that it will hurt but I feel that it is the only way to work through things. After a couple of weeks try asking her politley to her face if you can talk and figure things out. If not send her a letter or email apologising and saying that you think you should talk and work things out as you are both adults and have to work together. Show your mature side and your straight thinking head.

As for work, I'm not sure how you can deal with this. It maybe worth keeping your self to your self at the moment and letting things pass over. People will see what she is being like soon and will come round. You are all adults and I'm sure that you will work it out.

I have been in this situation myself, and by being an adult about it, taking the time out to think I managed to get things worked out. I become friends with my works colleagues again and with the ex. It just took a bit of time.

Taminar · Answer

This is why it's a bad idea to date people you work with. Be professional, but stop spending any time with her outside the office. I don't know if I missed it, but I don't think you say who broke off your relationship, you or her. If it's you, this "friends with benefits" thing was her way of trying to hold on to you. If it's her, she wants her freedom, but she doesn't want you to have yours.

At work, you just need to focus on your job and only talk to her about work subjects. You say you are a "workaholic." As much as you love to work, you need to find ways to meet new people. If it needs to be work related, try to find some networking events (check your chamber of commerce, join a Rotary or other service club, join a professional organization for your field). Otherwise, get a hobby and look for people who share your interest.

If you can make friends on vacation, you can make friends at home. You say "our friends are her friends," but then you feel betrayed because they are still her friends and not yours. So, get your own friends, get a new girl, and treat your ex- like a co-worker.

CaramelSkin · Answer

This is the part where you need to let her loose and move on. If she can't respect you and not be mature about being friends then you are better off with out her. I went through the same thing. I made the mistake of sleeping with a friend and when we decided to not see each other we would continue to remain friends. He couldn't do it. He acted the same way she was acting. There were times when he acted like he wanted me still and then there were times that he acted as if he didn't know me. I got tired of it so I decided if he really wanted to keep our friendship he would make that effort on his own so I walked away...

flurry · Answer

I think it's because you slept with other women. It might not make sense, but girls, even after the breakup, want to think we were so special that you were crushed and couldn't look at another girl. It's like a princess thing. It's not practical or reality since guys apparently sleep around without any sort of emotional attachment or to men it really can be "just sex" but not to girls.

After my last boyfriend cheated on me, I slept with other guys after we broke up and it really was "just sex". That was the first time it dawned on me that guys can be physical with other women (even though I've head it a billion times before) and still be in love with one girl or still have feelings for his ex. But still, it weirds out a lot of girls if you sleep with a bunch of girls soon after a break up.

rockmom · Answer

wow, you got a lot of views. 1st it's a bit lengthy and some won't stick around that long. 2nd some aren't logged in. 3rd some don't have any answers for you. it's a tough situation. if you were friends with benefits then you weren't that committed to each other, or at least one of you wasn't. it hurts her to hear you were with other girls, so she must care. girls get resentful and they dis you and they rally support. that's how they deal with the pain you're experiencing. go to work hold your head up high and don't let her get to you. move on and maybe she'll get jealous. if she doesn't who cares  because you moved on.

champ · Answer

Forget about her? Impossible since you work together. You must have had some sort of life before you met her? Friend, hangout spots, etc? Look them up. They might not be your BBFLs anymore since you haven't spoke them in how long? Find hobbies, girls and guys to hang out with and do those hobbies with them. Think of things you"ve always wanted to do, but never made the time for. Go to work, do your job, be civil, and go home and live your life.

This girl sounds like she likes making you miserable by reminding you of all the ways "you" messed up. You unless you're a scumbag don't deserve that, and as soon as you come to that realization you"ll be happier and won't feel so alone.

Loah77 · Answer

Try to imagine the situation if the shoe were on the other foot. If it had been her who had slept with another man, how would you handle it?

Chances are she's in full blown attack mode because she feels betrayed. It was a little bit of a stab. Trust me, I'm not trying to attack you, but I think you need to examine the situation from her stand point. Would you treat her the same?

My only advice, is to work on you for a bit. Establish a life and friends outside work. Try and put her and your situation on hold for awhile. You are not a loser, nor are you a bad person. Wait it out, if she still has mutual feelings for you, she will call. If not, move on, your happiness is not limited to the love of one girl. Good luck.

Amor3x0 · Answer

It didn't help at all that you lied.

Guys who have lied to me I became the same way; cold and bitchy to them plus I NEVER dated that guy again. I made them feel like shit too.

Without trust and loyalty there really isn't a relationship so just forget about it.

Your best bet is to just let her go she obviously doesn't want you nor would I if I was her.

Your life is similar to mine in that I just work and I don't really have any friends; however, I turned the being alone into my independence and being able to support yourself. So, I think this is what you need to do. Just become comfortable with being by yourself do things you'll like and just wait for someone else to stroll along. Note, do not lie to the next girl and don't lie in general or yes, you will have major problems and no friends.

I actually enjoy being alone now instead of being with people anyway.

breakingstyles91 · Answer

Dude you are confused man. You don't love that girl, she was just your play toy from what I get from your inquiry. I'm sorry I side with the girl. How can you say you love her when you hardly even know her and told her after your stint you slept with other girls. Why did you break up with her? If you loved her you would not have done those things. I didn't sleep with other girls, I just partied every time I got the chance to, danced with ladies on the dance floor, and had zero contact with my contact yet she said I emotionally cheated, whatever.  You have to get some self-control and if it so unbearable at work, work somewhere else.

forgive-cant-forget · Answer

it hurts yes I know go hang out with family  try to make new friends just take a step back let thing cool down send her a card saying sorry for the name calling and whatever else you didn't mean that was all out of anger and just let her know you love her and want the future with her . and leave it alone she will call if she wants to don't sit and wait for her call give yuorself a time to wait for her call if she don't call with in that time then sorry to say but move on.

cg2402 · Answer

As said in the other comment, she sounds like she's not worth it.

BUT, I know feelings get in the way, and what the hell do strangers know? You should probably talk to her one last time, apologize and tell her you didn't mean to hurt her in any way. Tell her the truth how you feel about her and where you want to go with her, being friendship or what not. Then straight out ask her if she wants you to give her space and time to think.

sounds to me that either a) she's playing games with you or b) is hurt by what's happened (the whole relationship meaning nothing to you thing) and is just being guarded.

The only thing you can really do is sit down one last time and say everything that you feel and think honestly. Tell her you're ready to put in effort (if that's what you want) and then it's up to her to be honest with YOU and tell you how SHE feels.

Romanticguy1988 · Answer

Wait.. So you were in relationship with her and you cheated on her? Or you saying you were only friends with benefits.. Or is that how you saw it?

Anonymous · Answer

really doesn't help that you opened up about sleeping with another women when you were with her..  it's going to take a lot of maturity and confidence on her part to trust you again and be nice.  in the meantime I don't think you are good for anyone in a relationship.  stop wrecking havoc to your own life, fill the void yourself without getting other people involved in your mess.  seek therapy. read a book, go to the library rather than turning to woman, alcohol or emotional drama.

I am a 27 year old single guy that just got out of a relationship in june.

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

I am a 27 year old single guy that just got out of a relationship in june.

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.