Is it possible my boyfriend isn't attracted to me?

So, I met my boyfriend 7 months ago, we've been exclusive for 5. He travels a lot for work and can be gone for weeks at a time but he's great at calling every day and texting during the day. He's funny, loyal, smart, attractive... I fell for him really fast and really hard but as time went on he's starting to get a little weird. The phone version of him hasn't changed but when we're together I don't really feel like he's attracted to me. I have never had a self esteem issue but I'm starting to develop one. I KNOW I'm attractive and I know guys find me attractive but I also know everybody's different. I even tried asking him what he usually goes for in a girl, all he's ever said is that he likes long hair (which I have). It started when he came back from a long trip and we were out and about and it got a little crowded so I put my hand on his arm while we were walking but he shrugged it off. I asked him about it later and he said PDA makes him uncomfortable and he didn't like me hanging on him. I don't consider that PDA but again, everyone's different. But it got to a point where he wouldn't even stand next to me and other guys would come and talk to me because it looked like I was by myself and of course he would get upset. Turns out his ex had cheated on him. Something I would never do. The public stuff wouldn't be so bad except it started happening when we were alone too. He would turn his head away when I tried to kiss him or would sit on a separate piece of furniture than the one I was sitting on, and even if I hadn't seen him in weeks he would greet me with a nod of his head or a wave... He wouldn't initiate any kind of contact unless he was ready to have sex. If I tried to initiate sex I had to be really persistent and it wasn't as good and he usually couldn't finish. I added two extra workouts during the week trying to make myself feel better and was feeling pretty hot so I greeted him in panties and a pair of stilettos one day and his only response was to slap me on the ass and say I was looking kind of thin. He has never complimented me even when I go out of my way for him. I'm so confused! What kind of a man acts like this? I no longer feel confident enough to be adventurous & creative with him and I feel contained. I hate it! So I told him I needed a break. He got so angry and cried yet refused to talk about it. So, it's been over a month. I haven't seen him but he calls regularly and texts daily. I've asked him for space but he says that's stupid and we can be friends. He drunk dials me and wants to have phone sex but never tries to see me. I love this man but I don't like the way he makes me feel about myself. I just wish I understood him so I could move on... Any ideas on what his issue is? I am 99% sure he wasn't cheating.

So, I called him up & asked if we could meet before his trip next week. We were supposed to meet this afternoon & he blew me off. Thanks for all the advice & pushing me to try talking one last time. As much as this sucks it's nice to know we're done


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's hard to tell. I think there maybe something on his mind which is making him act like this.

    I wouldn't worry because It's nothing that you have done.

    The best thing you can do is sit down and talk to him. Have a heart to heart. Let him know how you feel and ask him if there is anything he would like to talk about. Let him know that you care for him and that you are there if he needs you or if he ever wants to talk.

    Call him or txt him and say that you would like to meet up so that you can talk.

    It is the grown up way to deal with it and it is the only way you will find out.

    If he does not want to talk, I know it is hard, but you need to accept it and move on. Don't reply to his txts or calls if he will not meet up with you and talk.

    It will take time, but you can get over it and meet someone else who is interested and willing to give things a go.

    • We have talked but when I try to tell him how he's making me feel he says I'm being critical of him and he doesn't appreciate it... He loves telling me that he hasn't looked at or talked to another girl and I've told him that I'm not dating anyone else but I won't martyr myself for him. His work & life are going great. I just realized that I loved being with him and he didn't feel the same way & that's not ok. I guess I just wanted to be sure before I really called it quits for good. Thx

What Guys Said 5

  • I think I know what is happening here. I have this problem sometimes with gf's too. I get lazy and think that they like me enough already so I don't have to keep telling them how pretty I think they are or how I can't wait to see them after not seeing them for a little while. And his past might be playing a factor in it too. He is keeping his guard up for that "just in case" moment. You know what, you are doing the right thing here. Telling him what is wrong and then taking a break with no contact is the best thing to show him that you are not playing around. He needs to know that you aren't feeling appreciated or loved because of the way he is acting, and when he realizes how much he wants to be with you he will try and change his ways so that you can be happy with him again. If he keeps calling then tell him what you just told us and then tell him that he either needs to tell you what the problem is or change how he treats you, and then give him a certain amount of time before he can call you again. After you have gotten your space and have decided what you want to do, tell him your decision. Good luck.

  • This guy sounds like a control freak, I mean his passive aggressive behavior is all about control. He wants to keep you on edge, keep you chasing him, keep you focused on him as brushes you off and when you get close to walking away he comes on strong to prevent that. I'm telling you, most people are great when you first meet them and interact with them, but after about 6 months you can't BS anymore and you see them as they are. This guy's got issues and I'm sure they'd get worse over time. If you were doing all that with me, I'd nail you pure and simple - we'd have so much passion you'd be bursting with joy and glowing instead of moping around. So, seriously, there are plenty of guys out there like me and that are worth your time - don't spend one second with someone so cold and selfish. So yeah he had nice qualities, if he can't make you happy by being with him; let hm go to someone else that likes to admire his qualities and have their time wasted. The one thing that you should learn from this is that someone that your with needs to be making you happy every time you are with them, there is no lay over credit in that department. You shouldn't care about how good things used to be with him but be looking that you feel like crap every time you see him now. So enjoy the past times, but if he's no longer delivering you are free to be happy by yourself or with someone else, every second you waste being unhappy is a betrayal to yourself. Find guys that are just sparks in your life, that light your fire in all kinds of ways, and don't waste your time with anything less - life is too short. Once I guy steps down what they are doing for you, move on, don't waste time trying to recover something that isn't there. Be careful, actually try not to get sexually involved because it entails lots of who you are - but just adopt this attitude of no comprising in your life for everything including love and you'll find a guy that meets those expectations. Without those kinds of expectations, you'll always be settling for something less - and those expectations are applied on a per experience basis.

    • Thank you, you made me cry... I've refused to take any of his calls or respond to any txts since he blew me off and he's really upset about it. He leaves me messages begging me not to shut him out & that we should at least be friends but I disagree. I told him that if he cared even just a little he would leave me alone. Nobody's ever made me feel as good or as bad as he did & I know walking away was the right thing but it REALLY hurts. I hate that I love him. I just hope it goes away soon.

    • Show All
    • So her take was that her favorite toy was being taken away from her, she couldn't play the same game she had been playing for six months any more if she got real, and wanted to confront why she hadn't been fulfilled in all that time. Her take was completely selfish, her "hook" wasn't going to satisfied anymore - not that she cared for the guy, but she definitely talked like that. I was able to walk away from a 1 1/2 year relationship and feel happy because I had no "hook", it just was.

    • It just was out of sincerity and the present care of the moment until it couldn't go on. Nothing to be ashamed of, it was authentic. So the point of all this and the examples for you is to look for your own "hooks" and maybe correlate what I wrote to what you see in your situation. The thing that points me to this conclusion for you, is your sexuality in these feelings of control and of security provided by a take over hero, as possible hooks for you. You can sign in and message me as well.

  • A lot of that s... going around girl! My ex gf. was just like that! Exept she never called! Some people just can`t stand letting anyone stay close to them, I guess. Good luck!

  • Ok I'm a guy so should understand him right?

    Nope. Your guy confuses the hell out of me. It makes no sense! If you are trying to brush someone off you don't call and text them every day.

    The only possible explanation I can think of is maybe he feels like he's getting too attached to you and is worried he will get hurt so is pulling away from the physical stuff. Guys can be all over girls until we actually really start to like them, then we worry we will get hurt and go distant. But I'm not convinced that's it.. the whole thing is pretty strange.

  • Some users say he's gay, but I seriously doubt that. I'm sorry you had to break it off with him, but I always said that the relationships that are true are the ones that triumphs through struggles, not shy away from them.

    Not saying you didn't try to help, but being sexy and provocative isn't a very long term solution to a relationship. A long serious talk in the right place at the right time often patches things up, not PDAs and stilettos.

    He had a reason to be the way he is because of past experiences. A cheating girlfriend hurts more than a cheating boyfriend because when a guy approaches you he thinks that you selectively chose him out of thousands of other guys. That he feels special because of that he'd be distraught when the girl that chose him cheated on him. Girls wouldn't really understand because they've never asked a guy out.

    Without knowing the full story, I think you let a great guy slip away. I'd be surprised if you still don't think of him. You believe he's been loyal to you and I believe that too...and loyalty is hard to come by. When he wants to be your friend it really means he wants you, but isn't ready for a commitment...he just has a lot of trash he needs to sort out. If you want space that's fine...but you can't really have too much space where you won't sit down have an hour chat with him where you can get everything out in the open. I personally don't think you tried everything you could to help him and to keep him. Not saying the guy is 100% right either, cause he's not. But if you showed him a lot of emotional support then, I guarantee he would've shown that to you later on. PDAs and panties are not emotional support. As a guy I love that from a woman, more than sex and PDAs. Anyone can give PDAs, but emotional support never rusts.


What Girls Said 6

  • He's probably gay and is having a hard time coming out of the closet. Sounds funny right? but I'm serious. How can he not find you attractive when you would look hot for him? No straight man can resist something like that. All these actions to me sound like he may be gay. Maybe that's also why he didn't like you to touch him in public. He was afraid that the gay community would see that and go back and tell his male crush.

    He only tried to get you back because he lost you, not so much because he wants you. Men hate to lose, theyre very competitive. Being the selfish man that he is, he probably wanted to dump you whenever he was ready. Just like he only wanted sex when he was ready. Just don't be surprised if you see him one day holding hands with a man...

  • Sometimes men purposely act like jerks to drive you away, and that sounds like what he is doing. It has nothing to do with you being attractive, it has to do with him wanting to be alone. It may not even have anything to do with you period. Is he having problems with his family or work? People normally act like that when they have other things on their mind. No matter what the issue here is, it sounds like he is unstable emotionally. You don't need to deal with that BS. Go and find yourself a REAL man who will give you the love and attention that you deserve.

  • it seems like his past is still getting in the way of his happiness :(

  • Honey he is even confusing me... maybe he thinks that you were cheating while he was gone? maybe... the only thing I can really tell you is try to talk to him talk to him about why he is being like this and tell him everything you said on here... he does seem pretty distant but shrugging you off like that and only wanting to have sex when he initiates it? that f***ed up... you need to explain to him that you know his ex cheated on him but the way he felt then is the way he is making you feel now... you're in pain and you have no idea what's going on and if you're in this relationship together then you have a right to know what the hell is going on and he shouldn't be leaving you out in the cold like that.

  • Ok, so clearly he's got some weird things going on in his mind. And what your feeling is normal. My ex also didn't like PDA and it really took down my self esteem. He was still affectionate while we were alone but he was so against PDA that I began to think he didn't want people to know we were together.

    This guy's issues clearly are deeper. Maybe he is gay or something. Unfortunately unless he tells you, you won't really be able to understand it. You just have to keep telling yourself you are beautiful, and him not saying that doesn't make you unattractive.