How do I stand up to my verbally abuse roommate (who is also my boyfriend's best friend)?

[Red_Raconteur]

I'm very bad with verbal confrontation. My father was verbally abusive and if I ever stood up to him he got physically abusive, so I learned to shut up and take it.

This is stressing me out, though. My one roommate is verbally abusive to all of us, but me especially. He calls me things like "ugly piece of sh*t", "useless ****", and other similar things. He also screams at me for the smallest of things, like putting a dish in the wrong cabinet. He has even verbally bullied me out of my own room because he wanted to show my boyfriend an inappropriate video while I was working.

Thus far I've tread lightly because he's my boyfriend's best friend and also because I'm close with this guy's parents (who are awesome), but now I'm getting sick of it and I'm afraid I'll blow up pretty soon.

It doesn't help that my boyfriend sees all this and says nothing. I told him it's not his job to fight my battles but I wish he would stand up for me every once in awhile.

We are on the lease until September 2013, so there's no getting away from him for awhile. Any advice on how to deal with a person like this? Guys, you know the mind of a guy better than me, do you have any idea what his problem might be?

I'm not sure if it makes any difference, but my boyfriend and I were together 2 years before he even met this guy (another friend suggested jealousy might be the issue).

Updates

+1 y

Please guys, I need REAL advice, not jokes. I've gone into a panic attack over this (that happens every time I get overly stressed). I can't live like this anymore.

Updates

+1 y

Thank you for all the great advice. I appreciate it so much.

[tohrment]

That's terrible :/

First, I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't said anything. Like you said, it's an awkward situation because your roommate is best friends with your boyfriend. I think the very fact that you respect that relationship, whereas your roommate clearly doesn't, says a lot. I know that confrontation can be incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and intimidating - but you can't let him speak to you like that and think there are no repercussions. He's being a complete d***. YOU pay rent there too, and deserve equal treatment.

Try initiate a serious conversation with him. Catch him when he's not being a complete jerk, but when he's in a relatively good mood. Tell him that his behavior isn't okay, and that you want him to start treating you with respect. He could possible take you seriously, or continue with his douchebaggery. If he continues, tell your boyfriend he needs to intercede. I know what you mean by not wanting him to fight your battles, but this is his battle too. He is the reason you know this guy, and also the reason you don't want to be super antagonistic about it. It's only fair that he stands up for you and tells him not to disrespect you like that.

If that STILL doesn't fly, maybe try think of an alternative living situation. Find someone to take your room and find another one, or something. I know that might seem melodramatic or like too much effort, but if this is really affecting you that strongly, I think it would be worth it. Honestly, moving in with friends or people you know is a bad idea. I've done it, and it strains relationships wayyyy too much.

Anyway, good luck. Hope this helped.

[DebiPie]

Girl, where are your other roommates when all of this is going on? Why aren't they stepping up? This needs to be addressed now. He is a bully and you need help. He has gotten away with it & he will just keep it up & it will get worse.

1. You need to make a plan. You need to involve your boyfriend, your roommates & yes, his parents.

2. Tape him & keep it. Play it for his folks when you talk to them & ask for help. It is not snitching. They do not want him being an abusive boyfriend or husband, and that's where this is leading to. Trust me. He is practicing on you.

3. Have everyone together with him & tell him in no uncertain terms that this is stopping today. If not, he is out. And he will still be responsible for his share of the rent. You can tell him that you will file charges against him if he continues this threatening behavior and you will not put up with it again. Charges and a restraining order. That means he is out. You do this in front of his parents with their support, hopefully. If your boyfriend doesn't support you...find a new one. Not kidding, he's either with you or he's not. Make him see how serious you are about this.

Hate to say it, but you need to grow a stiff back bone & stand up for yourself. People will help you, but you have to ask first. Good luck. Remember, it is your God given right to live unafraid & safe in your own home.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

Hey I'm sorry this guy is treating you like this, that's f***ing crazy no one should be talking to you like that. I feel that you need to develop a tougher shell and get abusive right back, no one has the right to speak to you like that. This guy is totally out of line and people like him get off on the idea that the person they are abusing is too weak to stand up for themselves. You don't have to shut up and take it, this guy is not your father. HOWEVER...you should mentally turn into your father when dealing with this guy. Think about all the anger and rage you felt when he abused you, and think about how he acted to you and turn it around on your roommate. If he screams at you, scream back at him even louder. fight fire with fire. He bullies you because well frankly, you let him. It seems like this roommate Marches around like he's king of the castle and can abuse and scare all of his other roommates and yall don't do sh*t about it. WEll its got to stop. And shame on your boyfriend for being such a punkass bitch that he can't stand up for his girlfriend. Stop treading lightly and just blow up on his ass. and if his parents say something about it, let them know how much of a piece of sh*t their son is and make no apologies for it. Good luck

[Levin]

Sadly, this is one of those instances where standing up to him will be the only way to deal with him. He's walking all over you because you allow him to (and because he's a piece of sh*t). Nothing terrible has to happen as a result. Just tell him in a firm tone that you won't be spoken to in that manner when he does it. If you allow it to keep building up, you'll probably explode in a hysterical way. Or, you could take him aside at some time, and try and have a serious discussion. Just keep it short and factual, that he's abusing you, why is he doing it, and that it has to stop. You won't tolerate it any longer. Try and be as emotionless, but as firm as possible.

I can't even begin to understand the sort of mentality where some one would needlessly abuse another person in such a mean-spirited and nasty way.

or your boyfriend, who is a spineless coward. Have you spoken to him about this? It's not just a case of him having to fight your battles. He should be disgusted to be witnessing such an abusive, repellent act and not even want to be in the same room as that person, never mind just going along with it or keeping quiet. You have a right to be disgusted with both.

This has really got me annoyed. You have a right to be upset.

[Levin]

Also, you shouldn't be treading lightly, you should be nipping this in the bud right away. Abuse is not acceptable, irrespective of who he is or what the situation is. Self respect is about not allowing yourself to be treated in that way. You're being a pushover.

[Levin]

Also, what about a united front with your roommates? How do they deal with it as individuals? Maybe mimic their behavior .

[Anonymous]

You may not like it, and it may offend any feminist idealogy you might have, but you need to get your boyfriend involved in this.

Don't think in terms of "I can fight my own battles". You're not asking him to fight ALL your battles.

Ask him this once to get involved for two reasons.

1) He's the a**holes friend.

2) You are not experienced enough to deal with this kind of abuse, because of what happened with your father.

Those are two excellent reasons, why your boyfriend needs to do something.

As for you yourself, if it ever gets physical, you can have him arrested. That's your trump card here. Loud obnoxious bullies often rely on words and volume because they can't use their fists in this society. They can use fear though. So long as you keep your voice level, and don't use swear words at him, you can basically ignore him. Stand up to him, and if it turns violent, believe it or not that's problem solved.

You might also have a word with his folks, again calmly. No tears. Just ask if they know why he's so abusive, etc... and by simple questioning, let them know what his behavior is like.

[JackDRipper]

If I was your boyfriend I would have knocked his ass out the first moment I heard him talk to you that way.

Anyways I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a terrible thing and like some before me have mentioned I think you should:

1) Record him, it's cold hard evidence of what he is doing, and try making a copy or tell him you have one just in case he threatens to break it.

2) Show his parents the recordings and discuss with them what has been going on.

3) Speak to your boyfriend, he is supposed to be a man, no man would sit around watching their loved one get mistreated and insulted like it was nothing, we are (well I am) territorial and protective by nature and we don't like putting up with others messing with our stuff or loved ones.

4) Ask your other roommates to help you out.

What he is doing is bull! Picking on you because you are probably smaller and you tread lightly. He is a bully, and abuse is not joke!

[DebiPie]

This is good advice. I support this.

[Dantemustdie]

tell your boyfriend to get his ass in gear, if one of my friends was treating my girlfriend that way and actually making her upset I'd tell him to give it a rest there and then. If your boyfriend isn't willing to do that then I think you should just avoid the annoying guy as much as possible, because he'll probably play off of the fact that you're telling him to go away or whatever and it'll probably get worse. Talk to your boyfriend, I know it sounds macho and all but it's his job to take care of you, if worst comes to worst and you can't take it anymore, you can always do the choice trick. Just say 'me or him' to your boyfriend and I'm telling you he won't be long telling the dude to ease the hell up lol

[KERMlT]

Record him saying stuff to you. Politely tell him that you don't take kindly to his tone nor his choice of colorful metaphors. What on earth happened in his past to make him this hateful to others. Give him an ultimatum.

I'm serious, you so much as call me one more name and you will find out how far I am willing to help you.

So when he tries to call your bluff, go in the other room, call up his parents and ask to see them. Bring the tape recorder with you and tell them that you are concerned for their son. His actions and attitudes towards others are hurtful. Play the tape.

I only approach you because I respect both of you and I know you only want what's best for your son. He needs help and who knows what's best for their child than amazing parents?

[IHateMeganFox]

:( This made me sad reading this because my stepdad was/is verbally abusive and yelled and screamed at me about little things like the dishes too so he was like your roommate minus the ugly part although he did call me it once. I know how hard that is so I feel for you. I don't live with him anymore because of it (not the whole reason but a lot of it) so that's all I can say to do is move out but you said that isn't an option so I have no idea... talk to your boyfriend about it? I'm sure you probably have but honestly I feel for you.

[Fiona83]

What the f*** is wrong with your boyfriend? Does he even love you? I mean, why would he ever let his friend treat you like that? I would be more mad at your boyfriend if I were you. Tell how serious this is for you. And if he still ignores it, DUMP him.

[Anonymous]

You're going to have to get over your fear of taking stuff you don't deserve. Just tell yourself, he's not your dad nor will he ever be. Make sure that your boyfriend is in the room when you tell this guy off so that he knows you have meant to do this for a long time and that he hasn't done anything about it. If after you tell this guy off and your boyfriend still hasn't done anything about it. DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND

[jayrex]

A shovel to the back of his head?

Tell your boyfriend to stand up for you once in a while. The guy's an ass.

Or beat him up. He'll be majorly embarrassed a girl had beat him black & blue.

Or buy a gay magazine and place it amongst his things, and make sure he's caught in front of everyone. Your boyfriend will back away from him I'm sure.

[jayrex]

Must have taken 7 min to write this and now I see your update.

[Confused145]

Buy a taizer and a pepper stray. Take a couple of hours to learn how to use them. Then throw away all the dishes on the floor :-)

[Red_Raconteur]

Unfortunately, this isn't helpful. Also, I already know martial arts and can toss him across the room, but that would just make him angrier. I need REAL advice.

[Confused145]

Sorry for the previous comment. Anyways, first you got to talk to your boyfriend. Explain to him how your father was verbally abusive and the horrible memories you have from that time. Tell him your a girl and it is every man's duty to protect his woman. If he still doesn't talk to his friend then you have a long and serious talk with the guy, while your boyfriend is present. Tell them you past and give them an ultimatum. Any guy would stop after that. Good luck ;)

[RealMenFly]

'Record him saying stuff to you. Politely tell him that you don't take kindly to his tone nor his choice of colorful metaphors.' As below, but every time he gets like that play it back to him. LOL

[Anonymous]

move out. honestly if you tried to talk to him and your boyfriend does nothing, move out and be happy