Why do some guys control and abuse girls they love?

I had a boyfriend who I was totally in love with. In the beginning of our relationship he was the sweetest,caring,and most romantic guy I ever knew . He bought me flowers everyday and even asked me to marry him. He made me feel like a princess. He loved my friends and seemed to want the same things I did. After we had been together for a while he totally changed. He didn't want me to hang out with friends, talk to other guys, or go anywhere without him. He said he was just trying to protect me, but that wasn't the case. He also had asked me in the beginning of our relationship about other guys I had been with before him and I was totally honest with him. At that time he was cool with it. Later on, when he started to be controlling, he would talk about the guys I had been with before him, and try to make me feel like a slut for being with any guy before I knew him. He brought it up all the time and would try to make me feel guilty. When I refused to do something he wanted me too,or If I was mad at him, he started to go crazy. At First he started punching holes in the wall , I should have realized then. It started to get worse and he would grab me and slam my head into things or push me down. He also always tried to make me feel bad about myself by saying rude and degrading things. As he was doing all of this, he was also trying to get me pregnant, and I didn't want that. I didn't know what to do because I knew this was wrong, but I loved him.Everytime I brought up the issues he would accuse me of being crazy and that I didn't know what I was talking about. I finally broke up with him when I realized how badly he was effecting my life, I didn't even have friends anymore. I moved away from where we lived and started over again. I still wonder why he would treat someone he was supposed to love this way. Has anyone been in this kind of situation before, or just have any outlooks on it?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well first of all that is not love. Anyone who loves someone does not act like this. Perhaps he does not have the capacity to love properly, or he was raised with a terrible example and this is learned behavior. Love is healthy and doesn't hurt.


What Guys Said 4

  • It was very wise and courageous that you moved, when many girls usually don't. Remember that when a man showcases an early trait of over possessive behavior, it's usually a sign of things to come. Take the early warning, and settle for less trouble rather than prolonging it.

  • Because women are experts at putting their heads in the sand, ignoring red flags, rationalizing his abuse away, thinking they can change him, thinking that love conquers all, lacking the courage to live alone, and thinking that the good outweighs the bad.

    You're doing it now: "He treats me like crap ... *but I love him*!"

    I don't mean to bash you, but I've seen this pattern so many times that it makes me crazy. Girls who stay with guys who are simply dodging responsibility for their own choices.

  • If you girls think that this is a typical girl-boy problem you are wrong. Guys have to deal with other guys who act that way. We call them a**holes and we quit being their friends. I don't know enough to make any analysis but from casual observations, these a**holes definitely have issues. It could be maturity, self esteem or something else.

    My advise is, get out of the relationship!

  • Guys don't...assholes do. And again no, that's not love. You don't treat someone you "love" that way.


What Girls Said 13

  • some guys having underlying issues jus like any person would and they should seek counselling or talk to people about their issues instead of hurting other people

  • We actually discussed this in my Racism and Sexism class at school this week. This sort of comes from a feminist outlook (not mine), but my professor is a hardcore feminist and this is what she said. That men want authority over women. Looking at society it is clear that although men and women are closer to equality than ever before men are still viewed higher than women. They hold the most power in the government, they are the providers, the protectors, etc. Men do not realize it, but they are privileged when it comes to control. They are viewed as stronger, so it is easy for them to get away with controlling women.

    Jealousy is an issue in many relationships. Maybe this guy was jealous of your past relationships and he obviously wanted to make you feel bad about them. Sometimes it starts out great and gets bad because the guy sees that he can treat you that way. You know? Like if you don't stand up to him right away and let him get away with mistreating you he is going to think it is okay. Even if it isn't. Each time he might push a little more until it gets out of hand and you are put in a situation where you do not know what to do. You love him, but you don't love the way he treats you. But you didn't say anything about how he was treating you, so he thinks it is okay. He feels that he is entitled to harming you, to control you.

    This could be wrong, but it's a thought.

    • FYI:

      Numerous peer-reviewed studies show that women beat and batter men at *at least* the same rate, and some studies show women are *more* likely to batter first and use weapons:


      I love it when ideology collides with science...

    • Both men and women have the ability to abuse their partners in relationships. I don't agree that women are more likely, especially in todays society. Men are viewed as superior to women and that privilege allows men to get away with abuse more than women do.

    • You've got to remember that abuse can be more verbal or mental than physical, and I totally agree that women are just as bad offenders. Women may not be as physically abusive, but even namecalling constitutes abuse. Whe hasn't called their boyfriend a jerk or an a-hole when he was being one? I have gotten so angry I threw a little thing of yoplait yogurt at my boyfriend...didn't hit him and wouldn't have hurt him anyway, but abuse nonetheless. How about mind games? Silent treatment is very

  • I'm so sorry you had to go through that sweetie. Kudos to you for finally getting out of that situation! To be honest, I don't think he ever really loved you. He was nice and charming in the beginning to get you to love him, and as soon as he knew he had you where he wanted you, he changed for the worst. He felt like he could do whatever he wanted to you, and he did, because you said yourself, "I knew this was wrong, but I loved him." Real love does not manifest such ugly and nasty behavior. He was a jerk and you'll find someone ten times better.

    Best of luck to you!

  • although it was a horrible way to show it, some guys act like that because they are scared to lose you so they wanna feel like they own and dominate you and make you feel bad about yourself so you think that you don't deserve anything better. but obviously anyone would deserve something better than that. I'm sorry to hear about that I bet it was hard leaving him just because the feelings I'm sure was there.. :(

  • I just want to say I really feel for you. and I Hope you are safe. In my opinion, some men grow violent, because in their past they may have been abused as well.

    and you don't treat anyone you love that way. you have a lot of courage and I hope you are well. I know I am commenting a bit to late. but if you are reading this, never get into a situation like that again. Its not your fault, and you are verrry brave.

  • Abusers are abusive because they have low self esteem, and insecurities. So hitting on someone who they feel is weaker, makes them feel stronger. Your warning signs were 1. making you feel bad 2. name calling and 3. trying to seperate you from things/people you enjoy. I think he thought if he got you pregnant, he would always be able to have some kind of control over your life.

  • everything you said is what I've been through exept for the pregnant thing but I'm sure that was next. and soon I will be moving away because if I dont, I don't thing I will be able to stop talking to him

  • You weren't in love with who he became, but what he used to be. That is why it's so confusing. It's the typical case of abuse. Guys that do that have mental issues, and emotional problems. You deserve better, AND YOU BETTER KNOW THAT! ;)

  • Heyy! My man hit me about 2 hours ago he actually don't hit me anymore since my mom started seeing some of my bruises he puts me on a head lock until I act like I am passing out by letting my body drop like staying still it hurts my heart I got two kids with him they watch I'm embarrassed for even writing this and he's. trying to get me pregnant again for me to feel harder for me to leave I been with him since I was 15 I'm 20 now I a good person why me I been there for him this time that he choked me made me scared that's why I was checking in the internet of what to do.

  • i was in an abusive realtionship for 8 months...and at first I didn't no he was crazy...i honeslty can't tell you y guys do it..im wit a guy right now who would never raise a hand to me but every time he goes to reach for something that's by me or anything with a fast hand movements I tense up reallly bad..and he can see it...and it hurts him...the guy I was with before though did some really mean things to me..and to this day he shows up at my work and runs off at the mouth..and I'm gonna tell you right now...im only 20...and this is what I'm going though now...we broke up last march and since then I have had 2 black eyes from him and a busted lip...i have had a few OP on him but he don't listen to it..but all in all I really wish I could answer this question for you..im really glad you got yourself outta the problem though!

  • Been in exact same situation. He's an insecure abuser and it won't change no matter what he says. It's not love, it's about control.

    I had no friends left when we ended either. I also had to move away because he made my life so difficult. He made the money in our relationship and I had nothing when I left. I am still dealing with the aftermath years later.

    Cut all ties to him and don't look back. It would have gotten worse. Sorry for your pain...

  • I never dated a guy prior to my boyfriend, but as soon as he found out I was with a guy for a short amount of time prior, he was furious and jealous as well. He kept asking me questions about him. He drove away any guy friends I would have in an indirect way. The only guy friend I pretty much can have, are his. He too punched walls and yells when he's mad... He would always say why do YOU make me yell and punch walls. Because he has never physically laid his hands on me, I have not considered it to be any kind of abuse. Everytime I brought up issues about him that I did not like, he too said that I am making up stuff or being crazy. That I was too bored and making up problems. However, he does not say degrading things. I have been with him for about 8 years, yes, things have gotten a lot better. He doesn't yell much anymore or punch walls (he has to pay for it now), I always feel like I have no say in a lot of stuff because often times he thinks he makes a better decision. Thanks for sharing your story.