Girl Goes Cold - Lack Of Respect?

[Anonymous]

When you're dating a girl that's pretty moody and tends to go hot/cold on your, and she has multiple partners, don't you think I have the right to cut her off due to the lack of respect?

In my opinion, respect is the most important part of relationships. You truly cannot love someone unless you love yourself first, and have respect for your partner. That's just simply the facts.

So this girl I'm dating FREAKS OUT because I cut her off after her giving me some cold response and then not talking to me for over a week. It's natural for confident guys like myself to cut cold, pessimistic people out of my life. I didn't contact her or anything, I just simply deleted her number, removed from Facebook, etc.

It backfires and she goes crazy on me, sending me 20 text messages, calling me over and over. I'm like WTF and ignore her calls, but I finally text her about how she has no respect and that if you're going to be moody and hot/cold, I want nothing to do with you. Peace.

Then she goes off about how that has nothing to do with respect, etc.

Let's be real people. If you're hot/cold towards a guy (maybe you have other partners, maybe you only use him when you want him, etc.) that is pure disrespect, is it not? Especially when this is a guy you've known for 6+ months? Maybe I should have put my foot down sooner, but it's better later than never.

Wouldn't you all agree that a relationship really cannot go anywhere without some form of respect? I'm thinking I should have walked months ago when she first gave me the cold shoulder.

[samhradh_leannan]

I wouldn't say that being moody once in a while indicates a lack of respect. When you are in a caring relationship, you should feel able to let your guard down, and sometimes that means letting them see your more negative emotions. It's something that anyone who is truly close to someone else has to deal with and forgive once in a while.

If you can't handle someone's behavior, by all means, end it. There is no point being in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. But don't expect perfection from your partners. We are all just human. It seems like a good thing that you ended it with this girl, but it would have been decent to break it off officially rather than just shutting down, which is exactly what you're complaining about her doing.

[samhradh_leannan]

Of course, if someone is ALWAYS cold and moody, no one wants to put up with that.

[Asker]

She goes hot/cold every other week. It's like I'm a yo-yo and she likes me one week, ignores me the next. It's like bi-polar times 10!

[samhradh_leannan]

Well, that definitely sounds hard to deal with. I still question your method of ending it though.

[Asker]

I did it that way because it got her attention. She needs to know that I'm willing to cut her out of my life when she's disrespectful. She can either leave and never talk to me again or try to change her ways. Ball is in her court!

[samhradh_leannan]

I'm pretty sure actually breaking up with her would get her attention just as well, and it probably would have prevented the whole calling you a million times and then blowing up at you thing. It would have been more mature and it could have prevented a lot of drama. Suddenly being ignored is confusing and can be interpreted in a lot of ways. It doesn't provide closure. Just saying. People respond well to clarity.

[Asker]

Well we've been in an off-again/on-again relationship. We already had a major falling out over a month ago. When we started hanging out again, I told her that I'm not going to put up with the same crap again and she said that's good. Well, she goes and does the cold shoulder again and when I deleted her and all that, I was dead serious about never talking to her again. I still feel that way. Yea, I knew she'd freak out but really at the time, I wanted nothing to do with her.

[Asker]

Tell me if I'm wrong here, but I think it really comes down to self-respect. When you're seeing a guy and he's asking about your day, do you respond with a cold ass remark and then not text him for 7 days? To me, that is a major red flag and it means that I'm dealing with a girl that is lacking in the respect department. That's simply not cool no matter what is going on in her life, which she should communicate with me and tell me what's up. We have been lovers for 8 months now...

[Asker]

So I simply got tired of it after the 15th time. I reacted by just dropping her after not hearing from her for a week after she is telling me how much she loves me. She is an undiagnosed Borderline so I know that makes her do crazy things, but still actions are actions. I'm not a chump by any means, but she continues to bounce me around, go cold, etc. I've had enough... /end rant.

[samhradh_leannan]

I'm not questioning your decision to stop seeing her. I think it was definitely the right choice. But nothing you just said voids my opinion about the way you chose to go about it. It's over now, I guess that's what matters. But I don't think there is any good reason to break up with someone by ignoring them, even if it's an on and off relationship. It just isn't a clean, efficient, mature way to end something and it doesn't reflect well on you.

[samhradh_leannan]

It DOES come down to self respect. Ending an unhealthy relationship shows that you have self respect. But ending it in a straightforward, obvious, non-drama-inducing way would show that you have even more of it. I know it's too late for this situation, but it's something to think about. I don't think I'm wrong. I mean, you have to admit that your plan didn't go as you wanted it to.

[Asker]

Well you know most guys would try to reach out to her like 'Are you alive?' or 'Is everything okay?' or something chumpy. The thing is that this has happened multiple times and I've always simply waited it out. But it gets old really. I feel used. I wanted nothing to do with her. She flipped. I ignored her for awhile but she wouldn't stop until I explained myself. So I let her know how I feel. She's gone now, thank god but unfortunately she'll be roaring back soon..

[samhradh_leannan]

I get it, I don't think you should keep talking to her. But that's all the more reason to end things cleanly.

[Anonymous]

I had a guy do this to me and I ended up just cutting him from my life because it became stressful. I got tired of always being ignored and felt like he was with someone else so I just stopped talking to him all together. Ignored phone calls and text messages and pretended like I never saw them. When you have to put your foot down you have to put your foot down. People shouldn't be able to walk all over you.

[Asker]

Yea it definitely goes both ways. I know a few guys that are like this to girls, and if it helps you feel any better, while these guys have multiple women, they aren't happy at all and are incredibly insecure (though they act like they'er not in public).

[Opinion Owner]

It does make me feel better actually..I sort of got after awhile that this guy I was seeing was probably a player by the way he acted. In the end he just didn't seem to care about me anymore and didn't care when I told him my feelings..better to drop them emotional defective people and find somebody worth the time :)

[Asker]

Exactly, don't waste your time with them. Don't even open up to them. I cut off this girl (deleted her from my Facebook), she freaked out and insulted me more over and over on the phone which I ignored. I waited until 2am and sent her a long message on Facebook about why I'm pissed and how she's hot/cold and how it's disrespectful and then blocked her. So she'll read it today sometime and probably freak again. Whatevs. Just let them know how you feel then CUT them.

[Opinion Owner]

I have told him before how he makes me feel and he always seems to go back to his old ways once we're happy again so I'm done explaining to him..when he messages me again there will be no answer for him and I'm pretty certain he will know why...How did your situation turn out? Did she ever message you after?

[Asker]

It's been awhile since this, we started hanging out again, then she pulled the SAME SHIT and disrespected me to my face big time. So again I cut her out, and she asked me why, I sent her another letter describing our life - both in the bedroom and out - and I got detailed with the sex lol and she FLIPPED OUT again calling me crazy and disgusting which is funny because I thought it was pretty hot. I held my ground and told her to get lost which made her mad lol. So confusing!

[Opinion Owner]

The thing about peopel like this is that they will always continue to do crap like this! I think that they are huge commitment phobes or they love playing games with people and that gets the going for some reason! DId you cut her out like just completley ignoring her? What did she do that made you want to cut her out again?

[Asker]

she again did basically the same thing. She's pure black/white thinker. Loves me one day, hates me the next. Yes they are very manipulative. She is a classic Borderline as I've learned. I found a great website online that talks about BPD and their issues. You should read this and see if it rings any bells!

link

[Opinion Owner]

Oh tht does ring some bells lol..the one word that stuck out in that article was Narcissistic! Yeah people like this only think about themselves it seems and when you have a concern or need someone to lean on they aren't there..but you better be there 100% for them if they heed you! Completely one sided relationship with them if you ask me! Has she said anything else to you lately?

[Asker]

Well it started off with her telling me to 'go away!' so I was like 'okay see ya later!' and then she kept texting me saying how childish I was lol and so I just played along saying 'Yep! I'm a huge child! weeeee!' and that got her even more mad lol. Basically, you shouldn't ever give in to their BS and don't let them tool you around. Just disappear and get out! As long as they don't have power/control over you, they'll always feel that you're one step ahead :)

[Opinion Owner]

Well you could disappear and just get out but if I know people like this correctly they will hunt you down until you talk to them..ignore them and you have awoken the beast inside. They will grovel and beg and plead and then becomes demons when you don't respond...It is seriously emotionally exhausting because one minute they hate you and the next they are so in love with you it's like you have found the best person in the world! I"ll be happy if I never encounter a person like this again!

[Asker]

Yep and that is borderline personality disorder, a very dysfunctial emotional person :). These relationships are always doomed as long as the bpd doesn't seek help. Really sad and their parents are to blame, but there is no excuse for abuse especially when they know they are being manipulative.

[Opinion Owner]

yes of course there is no excuse for abuse but we are abusing ourselves also by staying in relationships like this. I know when I have left the guy that I was with he would appear to not care for a few weeks then all of a sudden when he realized I wasn't coming back he would try with all his might to reach out to me..and of course what did I do I contacted him back because I felt bad..took less than a week for him to fall into old habits. We need to learn that we deserve so much better than this

[Anonymous]

She gave you hot and cold cause her interest in you is low. It's low because you don't excite her and make her feel that she wants to be with you hence you're assumption that she is disrespecting you. The most important part of relationships is communicating needs wants desires and setting healthy boundries...respect is earned not given. Cutting her out of your life in terms of no contact, removing from Facebook etc is called a freeze out in the PUA community so it didn't backfire her reaction was your intention all along. Stop trying to play it cool she gets moody and cold in direct relation to your behavior so if you want her to be warm towards you than make her feel like you want her. Otherwise stop complaining and let her go.

[Anonymous]

If they don't make you happy and they don't even afford you basic respect, there's nothing to get from her beyond maybe sex. You seem pretty sure she's out having sex with other men, if you had self respect that would have been the clear line. If you don't know for sure where her loyalties lie, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.