My best friend's boyfriend is jealous of me. How should I deal with this situation?

[aat10]

So my best friend recently told me that her boyfriend is jealous of me and doesn't like when me and her hang out without him around, whether we are alone or in a group. And I don't really understand why? Me and her have been friends for almost 8 years and nothing has ever happened between us so he doesn't have to worry about that. Plus he has told me and her that he likes me and thinks I'm a good guy so I don't understand why he now has this problem with me. I'm not the kind of guy to steal away another guys girl, and he knows this.

I understand the whole thing about his girlfriend hanging out with another guy, but he knows me. Plus we don't really hang out that much to begin with. This is what annoys me most about this situation.

I don't want to be the cause of fights between them because she wants to hang out with me, but I'm not gonna stop hanging out with her because of some guy she has only been dating for like 6 MONTHS while I've known her for 8 YEARS.

I'm just so confused about what I should do, if I should even do anything or just ignore it.

Updates

+1 y

and by doing something I mean should I talk to him and let him know that he has nothing to worry about and that I'm not trying to come between them.

[Anonymous]

I think coming here for advice was a very good idea. This is a common problem that a lot of people have because girls and guys CAN just be friends. I agree with the suggestions that goodmandave posted. I think it's very important for you to let him know he has nothing to worry about and, like dave said, invite him along sometimes to show that everything's pg.

While you may not understand this from his perspective, I can somewhat see where both of you are coming from.

Place yourself in his shoes, you've been dating this girl for 6 months. That may not seem like much based on how long you've known her as a FRIEND, but by that time a boyfriend and girlfriend should have an idea of whether or not they want to date seriously. Unfortunately, this can also be the time where boredom and complacency set in. By both parties. Girls and Guys can both become neglectful of the other at this point. So, imagine for one second you ask a girl you've been dating out, but she cancels because of something she has to do with a straight guy friend. They've always been super close, and maybe this isn't the first time she has shot you down for plans with this guy. That's going to set up a pretty big red flag.

You say yourself that you have no interest in her. That's cool, but I've been burned by 'just friends' who were really 'just trying to figure out how to convince my girlfriend to break up with me." I'll admit, there were times in my past where I could have done things better or my girlfriend could have done things better. However, I still wonder if there wasn't a 'just friend' feeding her advice to break up with me rather than actually confronting me about our issues, things might have turned out differently. Just because the 'right' girl wouldn't fall such ploys. it doesn't make the sting go away right after the break-up.

Likewise, I've also been in the scenario where the girl, in an attempts to make the guy friend jealous or see her in a sexual light, used me, paraded me in front of him, cheated on me with him, strung me along, and then dumped me. So, he may be concerned about that as well.

More info about the above, a year ago I was in a great relationship that started out wonderful. She'd do all sorts of great things for me without me asking, and I'd of course be as nice as possible back. This all started to go south when she and a close guy "friend" got... closer. I'd get to get-togethers at her apartment and see him laying on the couch with his head in her lap as a pillow. Something that she wouldn't let me do at all. She started being sneaky because she didn't want to hurt him. Then, they made out right in front of me. and I knew it was over.

I don't think it's entirely a matter of him saying no don't hang out with him, but just worrying that something like my story might happen. Sometimes things 'just happen' and more often with people who share a history. Taking GoodmanDave's advice is the way to go. I'd even suggest going on a double date with

[Opinion Owner]

them. This would make it clear to both of them that you have no intention of getting in between their relationship. It also allows him to get to know you better and to trust you more.

Saying that he is an a**hole or a d*** like one answerer did, doesn't work. Girls and guys both bring baggage from past relationships. More often then not, people in affairs aren't strangers. So, there is some validity to his insecurity.

This isn't just a guy thing, girls get jealous about these things too.

[Opinion Owner]

one more thing, I gave this question a 5 star rating. You sound like a really good guy. I hope my advice helps you friend's boyfriend to see that.

[aat10]

Thanks for the 5 stars! I never try to bad talk any of her boyfriends no matter how much I dislike them, if she asks for advice I always tell her to do what she thinks would be best for her. I don't want to tell her what to do because if she ends up doing something I say and then later regrets it, then I'm the bad guy. the only time I tell her what I think is when she asks for my honest opinion and still she has to kind of drag it out of me. its as clear as glass to her that I have no intention of

[aat10]

coming in between them. I guess he just doesn't see that as well. the way he comes of to me is that he likes me, he thinks I'm a good guy, he has told me before that he's glad she has a friend like me, and I'm pretty sure he has said he trusts me... don't know what has triggered his change of thought now.

[GoodManDave]

I think maybe getting to know him better might help. I had a friend get married, and it felt like sometimes he was super jealous. I could be wrong on that, but it felt that way to me. I had been friends with her for ages, never been romantically interested...

And honestly, if he came to our events, great! He's actually a good guy. We have a similar sense of humor, so, we get along OK. Now, granted, there's a bit of an age difference (10 years) between my gal pal and I, so maybe that helped, but he came around. I think he realized (or she made him realize) that there was NEVER going to be any kind of thing between us.

I think 1) inviting him along 2) inviting multiple friends along and making sure some of these are public 3) making it obvious that you aren't interested (maybe talking about other girls you like in front of the both of them, or asking their opinions on some girl... might help. And... some guys are just different degrees of jealous. It's between them. I think including him, and making sure everything is public, that things will improve.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You'll have to ignore him for the most part, especially if you've already explained to him that it's not a romantic thing between you and the gal. When I was married, my husband didn't want me to even look in the direction of my male friends; I lost contact with most of my friends as a result. They didn't want to chat about their girl troubles with him around, and he always made my friend feel like the third wheel; meanwhile, he was cool with letting me hang out with HIS guy friends (who were players, but just didn't go there with me, lol). He kept in touch with all his exes, which was a poor double standard and one of the indicators that the couple shouldn't be together. Guys who are overly controlling end up losing the girl. He's most likely to disappear.

You have three options: Like I said, ignore him and keep hanging out with her; go hang out just with him (becoming HIS friend as well); back away and let her figure out the guy's bad news, then she'll come back to you...

[aat10]

at this point I have no interest in becoming his friend. he's done things in the past that gave me a reason to dislike him but I gave him a chance and now that he's gonna start with this sh*t I'm done. he practically begged for me to give him a chance after the sh*t he did. I gave him a chance, I got along with him, treated him with respect. I did my part and this is how he thanks me for giving him a chance. she has told me more about what's going on between them and I think she's starting to realize

[aat10]

* she has told me more about what's going on between them and I think she's starting to realize what kind of guy he is.

[Opinion Owner]

So then his bed is made. Let him go lie in his own sh*t. You might want to remind her that you're there for her, no matter what, and is if SHE would like you to back off while she sorts through whatever this is with her guy.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to do anything about it. In fact you can't do anything about it. but think about it this way. you love this girl and you've been dating for a while but she has this guy friend and their really close. of course you understand that they had been friends before and they've known each other for a long time but if she's always bringing him up when your talking and talking about times they had in relation to you, would you not be jealous? and would you not ask her to stop hanging of with him?

:?

:D

[aat10]

For one, I don't know if she brings me up to him in conversation. And another thing, actually no I wouldn't be and I would not ask her to do that. If my girl had a guy friend that she has had for a long time I would not be like uh yeah I don't want you to be friends with him anymore. obviously if she has been friends with him that long he is a special person to her and I would feel terrible to try and take that away from her.

[why-makoto-kun]

He's paranoid because there are people who actually say the same thing you said then relish in "attention" they get from the coveted significant other.

Anyway, it's his problem trusting her. Even is you wanted her with all your heart, he should still feel comfortable if he actually trusts her (and of course, if you were established as physically "harmless").

[ashtonm]

Haha, Makoto, how could you do that to Katonoha!? >: l (Love avy and sn)

[why-makoto-kun]

Thanks xD Yeah, there's seriously nothing redeeming about Makoto. I'm Team Sekai hahaha

[ImperfectDVM]

You don't owe him a thing!

If he don't understand, that's his problem!

and if she begins to drift away from you because of him, just know it wasn't your fault.

I feel for you! I wish I could punch him in the face, FOR you!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I wouldn't want you hanging out with my girl either. Either you want to bang her, or she wants to bang you. It is always one or the other.

If you TRULY don't want her, she's the one who wants you and just hasn't had the guts to show interest yet. Think back to this post when it happens.

[aat10]

to be honest I did have a crush on her but I grew out of it because I've met new people through the years. yeah it has come up between us but we both agree that our friendship is to important to us to take the risk of dating and it ending up bad. we also agreed that if we are meant to be together then it will happen eventually, but right now neither of us have any plans on dating each other anytime soon.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm glad you were honest about it. You could have denied it just to win an argument over the internet like other guys do. But I'm going to be honest with you bro, it sounds like YOU liked her, and she's the one who put the breaks on everything putting you in the friend zone. And you're kinda just waiting for your chance for her to comply someday...I'm not saying it IS the situation, but sounds like it. Am I right?

[aat10]

yeah I DID like her but I've grown up and changed. I can see how you could see that but I'm definitely not waiting around for her. I've been friends with her long enough and have seen her go through relationships and I've learned how she is relationship wise. she's not like a crazy girlfriend but I think she's afraid to be alone and I just don't want to be a fill in until she potentially finds what she's really looking for.

[pirofaz]

the obly moment when friending the opposite is not possible, is when there is a significant chance on getting more than friendship (she likes you, you like her).

but if she likes you, she can cope with it if she is mature enought, if I like her, as soon as I notice she is only interested in friendship with me, as soon as that happens, I just make a reality update in my mind, and go into friend mode, the problems only come when you spend energy in the uncontrolable...

[Anonymous]

Well, she shouldn't be dating an a**hole to begin with and should realize it should be friends before boyfriends, she should look at as who is gonna have her back when he leaves her, hope you get things settled out

[Anonymous]

He needs to stop being a d*** and being so jealous. He's probably just upset because of how close she is to you and how long u've known her for. I don't think you should ignore it though...idk...u don't want to lose your friend over it either.

[InvisibleKid]

there is a reason why guys..lemme rephrase that. real men don't have girlie friends.

[pirofaz]

actually it goes in 3 levels:

level1 (the p****): every time he is interested in a girl he only get friendzoned, with means he goes into a fake friendship were he is the slave and she the queen.

level2 ( real man): he never get friendzoned, he also don't have any female friend.

level 3 (real complete man): he is capable of having fem friends, but also is capable of getting laid or getting in a relationship. Also he is capable of having fem friends without acting like a p****.

[InvisibleKid]

well said. pure genius!

[Anonymous]

I would confront your best friend and tell her what happened

I sense some jealously within him.

[geronimojoesaephus]

and what was that? As far as his question is concerned, the boyfriend just told the QA what he had told his gf: that he felt uncomfortable about them hanging out a lot/being so close. Sure it's a little jealous, but at least he's being honest about his feelings.

[aat10]

she already knows what's going on because she's the one who told me all of this...

[Opinion Owner]

Is jealously a positive or a negative trait?

He should fix that within himself and understand that her best friend was there before he was so he should RESPECT him.