33-Year-Old; Longest Relationship: 6 Months. Is he a player?

[Anonymous]

I guess this is mainly a question for the girls, but guys are welcome to answer as well.

I've recently went on a date with a guy who just turned 33. He told me that his longest relationship is 6 months. This raised some red flags for me. He's very handsome, intelligent and successful, so I'm sure he wasn't single and/or had short relationship because of a lack of interest of the female world.

What would you think of a 33-year-old whose longest relationship lasted six months? That he's a player? A commitment-phobe? Sucks at relationships?

I can't help but think that something must be wrong with this guy, but I don't know because he's extremely handsome and pretty much the type of guy most women want.

[PhilaPenn]

Stop over thinking it. Get to know the guy, then make a judgement. He just seems like a guy who doesn't get forced into relationships that he doesn't want to be in. He probably doesn't stay past the point where he knows he doesn't want to be in a relationship with the woman. What's with the neurotic labeling, afterall you just met the guy. Take it as a positive, there is probably not ex-girlfriend that was his "first love" lurking behind the scenes. He may simply have not found the right person. Besides, I've come to realize that most people who have had more than one "serious" relationship tend to carry a lot of baggage. Almost like they are kind of damaged goods, emotionally and sometimes literally. I know what it's like stereotyped and it's not cool.

[Asker]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel bad for stereotyping him as it has been done to me and I know it's not nice. But yet I can't help but wonder.

[PhilaPenn]

Then don't wonder. Get to know him and see what you find out, you can even ask him at the appropriate stage in the dating process. I wouldn't ask right away, but if it's a concern bring it up respectfully instead of internalizing it and letting it get out of control.

[Asker]

See, we're no longer dating. It's a long story, and I'm really just wondering about his personality right now because I've never met anyone who confused me so much. I actually had sex with him on the first date, but then didn't see him again (mainly because I left the country, although I can't know if he would've wanted to see me again). So yes, I guess I'm just trying to figure him out at the moment. Even if it's silly and futile.

[PhilaPenn]

I think that you tanked the relationship by being paranoid. But you aren't alone..I feel like 9 out of 10 women do this. Honestly, it drives me nuts because I've had to deal with the same thing. It's amazing it's like you guys can't just let things progress naturally. Women live in their own head, and over think things to death and that's why certain kinds of women always end up unlucky in love.

[Asker]

The whole thing is still somewhat confusing. I very much doubt he ever had an interest in me that went beyond friendship. It's a long story. He told me he wasn't after a relationship, although he didn't say with regard to me, but when I asked him about some other girls. He has plans to move so I think he's not after anything. So yes, we had sex and agreed we'd meet again in the next few days. A couple of days later he sent me an email saying that it's a shame but he has to go away for work

[Asker]

and wouldn't probably be back before I leave for work (we live in different countries right now). I wasn't sure if that was a lie or not. But then I don't see why he would've lied. Then I just got unrelaxed because he seemed to talk to me less frequently, although he still talked, and I also couldn't shake the paranoia (about him supposedly having had to leave the country). I don't know man. I'd love to be in touch again but I think he thinks I'm too complicated. And I guess I sort of was haha.

[Anonymous]

You already had sex with him on the 'first date'...so I am not sure what you are afraid of loosing or finding out? You might as well bang him for a few more months...and you shall find out whether he actually is interested you or was just around for some sex.

[Asker]

I would love to bang him every day of my life but sadly, we're no longer in touch since I got a bit annoyed with his frequency of communication and then he got annoyed with me being annoyed so he said he'd not reply to my emails again. I don't think he's going to talk to me again, which is a shame!

[learningthegame16]

I'd assume that he hasn't met a girl who was interesting enough to stick around. He's a guy with a lot of options, so there wouldn't be a need for him to waste his time with someone who doesn't fascinating.

[aMuse]

More likely the girls suck... You said it, he has looks, brains, and success. What do they have? Welcome to my world, but add on a few more traits that people seem to like. Everyone wants someone that feel is a relative equal who they feel compatible with. It's not that great men are afraid to commit, they just want someone they see as bring the same bargain to the table. Not too many triple or quadruple threats out there. Most people only have one thing going for them. =/

[Asker]

Maybe that's it. But he must have a lot of girls throwing themselves at him and I find it hard to believe that he hasn't found one with whom he could have lasted longer than six months.

[aMuse]

It's a lot harder then you'd think...

[Asker]

I'm aware it can be hard. But on his Facebook, he has several pictures where he's with extremely beautiful women, so he definitely does meet them (although granted, I don't know what their personalities are like). It's hard for me as well even though I'm not too bad looking myself, so maybe I should be less judgmental.

[aMuse]

You keep focusing on how easy it is for him to score good looking women. So? Yeah, take if from me... It's a cake walk to get women that look good. They hunt smart successful men... But again, what do they bring to the table? Yes, he's impressive and a good catch... OK, but where are the women that will leave him impressed? That's what makes us fall. That's what makes us commit. Being hot isn't enough. There are an unlimited supply of young hot women that are begging to be with an established

[aMuse]

man. So, the question is what does he want? Where's the woman with the intriguing personality that captures his ear, the passion that makes him go wow, the witty sense of humor that leaves him laughing, etc. A lot of women try to get by on just their good looks. It gets boring.

[Asker]

I can see what you mean. I assume that at least half of those women are just gold-diggers or something similar. I guess my way of thinking of somewhere along the lines of "if he can have that many good looking women (even if they have nothing else to offer), surely he's going to automatically turn into some sort of player". Even if he does want a relationship at some point. I mean it must be hard to resist all these good looking women, he's just a man after all.

[Asker]

Also, I'm not sure if you've read my comment I posted to the other guy but I did have sex with him, and then we never saw each other again. Although we stayed in touch for a while. So I guess that's why I'm wondering if that's what he usually does.

[aMuse]

I'd a say a player sets out from the start to hit and run. The primary objective is to get sex and get out. Men with a lot of options give a girl a test drive. The girl seems interested, they might be pretty, so lets see what else they are offering. Depending on how much of a catch she is, determines how long things last, and if she gets to stick around. Sometimes you can measure a woman before the first date, sometimes it takes several months. That doesn't mean you were played, it just means

[aMuse]

you weren't what he was looking for.

[Asker]

I don't feel like I was played. It was clear from the beginning that it wouldn't end in a relationship since we live in different countries. I think neither of us expected that we'd have sex, we were merely going to have a drink together but then I guess we were both so physically attracted to each other that we couldn't help ourselves. It was the first "one-night-stand" for me, and if his words can be trusted, it was the first one for him as well. When he sent me a message a couple of days

[Asker]

later, he wrote something along the lines of "let's stay in touch, but with you living in A and me living in B, there's not much of a chance our paths will cross again". So I really don't feel played as I never expected anything from him. I'm just now, in hindsight, wondering about his personality.

[aMuse]

I highly doubt it's his first one night stand at 33... That said, nothing wrong with a little sex. =P

[Asker]

Ha, I don't know. I have plenty of male friends who never had a one-night-stand. I myself am 36 and it was the first one for me. Not because I never had the chance, but because I'm not the type. With him, it was different since he's ridiculously handsome.

[aMuse]

I guess I'm from a different world. lol I was a teenager when I had my first ONS. =P

[Anonymous]

Ummm yea