Is it selfish to not believe in love & wanting to remain single for life?

I'm a 20 year old female who has resorted to wanting to remain a virgin & stay single for life. Although I've never been in a relationship, they just do not appeal to me. Because of my slight insecurities with my self (naturally lanky, no curves & quiet) I'd rather just be to myself. Physically speaking, I don't think I'll be able to "satisfy" anyone but besides that I like my solitude & my freedom. Sex has also never appealed to me. I've never liked the thought of sex & find it disgusting. I just don't find myself attracted to people in that way. Things don't go as planned as I want them to & I have hard time opening up & trusting people as is, so why can't I just keep to myself? Yes, I am a young adult but why do other adults view me as continuously immature & selfish for closing this part of me off? I understand that relationships & marriage are a way of life & I do want kids whether its by artificial insemination or adoption. I've had to raise myself & overcame a lot of obstacles that came with that & I don't want to add to it. I don't think that anyone can give me what I want but me.

I know 20 is young to make such a decision but I don't believe in love & sex. I can manage on my own & fulfill my life through my own independent affairs & career.

Thanks in advance for the answers

No, I'm not a lesbian!


Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm strongly certain that you do not wish to stay single for life. You just quit every thought of it, possibly because of your insecurities. Trust me, everyone goes through that one time or another. I'm one total hopeless romantic; to put it that way, the mere thought of a kiss in a movie theater makes me more aroused than a nude picture - and I'm a totally straight guy, yet there have been many times when I said 'you know, forget it. No girl is going to like someone as shy as me' and surrendered my feelings for a few days. I'm not trying to talk you into relationships here, but to answer your question, yes, I find it quite selfish.

    I'm not saying this in a judging voice. You obviously have some deep rooted issues that are stopping you from enjoying one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. The brain is a very powerful machine, capable of making you believe even the most illogical things if you insist. Your body might be dying for contact (not only sex, even a hug) yet your brain can tell it that it doesn't want that contact. In other words, if the brain says pigs fly, they really do. That is scientifically proven but you can also try it in your everyday life; in fact, it is used by therapists worldwide to move people out of depression. Probably, something that has hurt you in a very deep level is making excuses to keep you away from love.

    That is not natural, at all. You were born a woman, with female sex organs and that means you normally feel attraction, both in an affectionate and a sexual level. You are just supressing your body by denying what Mother Nature has given you. You say you find sex disgusting. How can you find something disgusting if you haven't even tried it? I can inform you that the first time you have sex will be one of those memories you will never forget. It is very respectable if you want to wait for the right person, but you are not giving anyone any chances! Not even yourself! Of course, sex desire differs among people and it is very mature to keep your personal growth as a priority and not only sex. And trust me, it might seem disgusting now, but if your partner has any elementary hygiene rituals there's nothing disgusting to it!

    Enough speaking as your personal therapist though. You say you have some insecurities, and again, that is normal for any girl. In fact, it is so damn sweet to see a girl blush when I tell her how beautiful she is, simply because I know that her insecurities go away. As for your description, you sound fine. Quiet is actually a perk for me, and if you feel insecure about your body, that can easily change by working out and adjusting your diet. So please, if these are the deep reasons (which I believe are!), even if you don't want to admit it, don't do this to yourself. You only have one life and one day you might regret choosing to be alone, or even not having had any meaningful relationships!

    Hope all goes well for you, sweetie!

    • My apologies for responding late. Responding to your reply: Body wise, changing diet won't help. I've been the same since I was a kid. There things that have happened to me that I have & are still going on that I deal with by myself. I'm a very independent female (on all levels) who always does things by herself. A companion is something I've never wanted, all it does is lead to mishap.There isn't anything that another person can do for me that I can't do for myself. Love isn't special either.

    • continuing with the chatter... I do have meaningful relationships with other people. I have a few goods friends where our friendships have started platonically and I have a very loyal dog... That's what I'm happy with. It may sound cliche but I was born with way & it has stayed the same. I asked the question because people are always up in arms about when they ask. I do not broadcast it because I'm very private. I do not like opening up & hold to that. Its too late for anything to come along.

What Guys Said 6

  • Of course it's not selfish! You're not hurting anyone (including yourself) or anything. I respect your decisions as it's not easy to make and requires one to know oneself. I'd like to add though that I believe this is how you feel NOW; as you get older, maybe/maybe not, something can change in you and you'll suddenly have a new perpective. What I'm trying to say is, try not to live in absolutes. You're young and have much life to explore/live. If you've decided this because you feel this is who you are, great. BUT if you've decided this because of bad past experiences and assumptions, it's not a good place to come from.

    I think those that give you a hard time about this is because they simply don't understand why you'd pick such a life. I don't, but I respect your decision and in no way feel like you're immature or selfish. For every human being, life originates from the inside out which many people can't grasp and why relationships and lives tend to fail. That said, there is nothing wrong with having someon there to provide for and protect you, even when you don't need it. I don't want to analyze too much but for now, live your life for you and how you want it, forget everybody else and their judgments, but try not to be rigid and be open to change.

  • If it is conscious decision then I believe that you are indeed selfish. Any situation where someone denies themselves an opportunity to feel a reasonable emotion I just think that is wrong. If love never comes your way and you are content then great, but I seriously wouldn't like a person who denies someone who is pursing them especially if they know in their mind and heart that a relationship would be a good thing for both of them. We are social beings. If nothing else our purpose is to find a like minded individual , to procreate and continue the survival of the human race.

    • My apologies for responding late. Thanks for responding. Yes, its a conscious decision based off several factors that I have. I've never been a social being, I've always been a quiet girl who kept to herself. As I stated above, I do things by myself. I understand me & trying to understand someone else is annoying . As far as "companions" go, I have a few platonic friends & a loyal dog. That's enough for me. I am not a person who seeks out other relationships because I do not like opening up.

    • I still don't like it and think it is selfish, but it's ultimately your decision

  • Meh, I don't believe in love either, nor do I want to get into a relationship :P

    ... A-And I'm not gay! D:

  • I can relate to you in some ways. Insecurities, being shy around girls as if they where aliens from a different world, but if I had not slept with this girlfriend that I once had I would eventually save some money and pay a hot whore as I find it beyond comprehension for someone especially a man never to sleep with a women. No way.

    Just get laid, find someone of your own caliber and stop thinking too much all the time.

    Good luck.

    Next time that you write here tell us about the night of sex that you just had ;)

    • I don't think you understood my question. I said I do not want to get laid. That's not on my agenda. I asked was it selfish to not want to be in a relationship & stay to myself.

    • Ye, well I think in a way it is selfish because you are denying yourself some good experience. But after all it is up to you.

  • It is because 99% of people who say this sort of thing, have suffered some sort of sexual trauma in the past, and with therapy they have returned to a more normal set of life choices.

    So naturally, when people hear you say this stuff, they think you just need some encouragement to go see a good doctor who will fix you.


What Girls Said 4

  • hwo would that be selfish? its not hurting anyone. that's just how you are. maybe you're asexual.

  • Lesbians actually have a pretty high sex drive... so I don't think anyone was going there.

    It's your body and your life. I don't think anyone has a right to tell you what to do. Just do what makes you happy.

  • In my opinion, wanting to remain single isn't selfish at all, its your choce if you want to be single or not. its noneof their business on wether you want to be alone. Forcing yourself to be in a relationship is not right or fair to them or yourself. As long as you are happy, then that is all that matters.

  • I don't think it's selfish, no. Wanting to be loved and not loving back would be selfish.

    People always call me selfish for not wanting children - I just ignore them. Everyone has their own opinion of what life "should" be.