My boyfriend said some really hurtful things to me today

[Anonymous]

We argue sometimes. Today we got into an argument (which, I'll admit, I was the one who started it)

Anyways, I was saying some things I probably shouldn't have said, such as "I see how other guys treat their girlfriends, and I wish you'd do some of the things they do", and a couple other things asking those lines. Then he accused me of cheating or something, because there are other guys who like me. And I told him we should just break up and he said something along the lines of "if we just breakup I'll just find someone better and better looking", this of course hurt me so I began to cry and he just said "stop crying".

Then he says "are you just acting like this because of your bipolar disorder?" .

Which, by the way, I am bipolar.

Anyways, afterward he apologized and told me he didn't mean any of that, and that he was just saying it out of anger, and that he loves me and wishes he could take it back, etc.

I just don't know what to do.. I feel I am at a crossroads, and I know I love him but I am just SO hurt that he would say those things to me..

Any input would be appreciated. Please no rude answers.

Thanks!

[crystallinegreen]

What he said was very hurtful, but I can also kind of see how he might have been responding to his own hurt feelings. You did after all question his ability to make you happy, comparing him unfavourably to other men - this kind of thing will really upset a guy. It sounds as though you were both kinda pushing each others' buttons, so to speak. Do your arguments often end in you suggesting you guys break up? I think it's really important not to do that unless your relationship is in trouble and you really mean it. I had a boyfriend once who held this over me every time we had a fight - initially I felt really bad and often scrambled to make things right. Eventually I just felt manipulated by his threats of abandonment and it left me cold. If you tend to start fights a lot when you're having a rough time instead of talking about things and sharing your feelings, this can also eventually leave your partner feeling like an emotional punch bag, and cause them to withdraw emotionally, and fight back in ways that reflect that. Of course I don't know you or your relationship, so I'm not sure if those things are going on - just some thoughts that occurred to me. I think you need to be clear with your boyfriend that you were really hurt by his comment, and explain how and why certain things must be 'off limits', even in times of anger. Otherwise perhaps both of you need to reflect on your approach to communication and arguments, understand how you got to that point in anger and think about how you can prevent that in future. If this is a one-off thing, rather than a general pattern of him displaying disrespect towards you, then I don't think it need spell the end for an otherwise happy relationship. He has expressed regret, just one of those things you both need to learn from and move on from.

[big_poppa_pump]

finally a sensible answer from a girl

[UberTroll]

"I know I love him but I am just SO hurt that he would say those things to me.."

Which is probably how he's feeling too. Things got emotional and you both ended up saying hurtful things you didn't mean. It sounds to me like you made him feel inadequate by comparing him to other guys and he said something to you that made you feel the same way.

As for how to fix things, that can be difficult. It's good that he apologized to you and if you haven't done the same then I suggest you do. You're both guilty of doing the same thing. You guys can't take back what was said, but you can try to make sure it doesn't happen again. For starters, don't let problems you have with him build up until they come out even worse than they should in the middle of an argument. It's better off to talk about things when you're more rational and able to explain how you feel without making him feel threatened. If you feel like your boyfriend doesn't try hard enough in the relationship then calmly talk to him about it right away and try to put it as delicately as you can.

[snowangle]

The "finding someone better and better looking" was hurtful. The "stop crying" was insensitive. The bipolar disorder remark was too far, in my opinion. If he truly loved you, I doubt he would've used your disorder against you like that. He may have said it out of anger, but he may have said it because he thought you were breaking up and he thought he had nothing to lose. Personally I would have a hard time forgiving him, but of course it's up to you. I know how hard it is to turn your back on someone you love.

[Konnour]

Honesty not always is all bubbly, maybe they're just not meant to be, why force it?

[big_poppa_pump]

its so funny to see how girls only focus on what was said to her and how bad it was.(while completely ignoring what the girl does to him)

[Proxity]

It's human nature to argue and say things to each other to come out as the victor, even if we don't mean what we say. In the end, however, we start to wonder: "at what cost? What did I gain from it?"

What he said that got to you was: "find someone better and better looking." But notice how he came back to you wishing to take it back.

(1) He knows you are the better person. Why else would he try to make up?

(2) "Better-looking" is irrelevant altogether. If you're the better person, you are better looking by default. We all know a girl's appearance is important to her, and if it means to "win" an argument, chances are, you will be called "ugly."

Of course, how did this argument start in the first place? Why were you so concerned about the way other guys treat their girls? Is lacking in something?

[MikeGaultier]

I would have smacked him for that bipolar comment alone. I've had similar arguments with my girlfriend, and I've considered saying similar things. Truth be told, a lot of guys want to say what your boyfriend said, but we just know that some things should be...reworded.

I would also assume that most of what he said was in fact out of anger.

[Anonymous]

He's verbally abusive. You criticized his behavior and compared it to other people, which isn't good, (though you have every right to ask to be treated better if he isn't treating you right) but he deeply insulted you by saying he could find someone better-looking, and showed a control freak symptom by accusing you of cheating. Then he told you to stop crying (annoyed by your JUSTIFIED emotions, which is also controlling) and blamed your understandable reaction on your bipolar disorder.

This is important, and let me stress this more than anything: a GOOD significant other (or friend) will never, ever, EVER use a mental illness, trying time in your life, abuse survivor status, etc. as a way to tear you down or imply you are defective in some way. Ever.

This guy needs to go. Like now. Please message/comment/write on my wall if you have any questions.

[Opinion Owner]

A healthy relationship is not one in which you say horrible things "out of anger." A good relationship partner may be angry and disagree with you, but would never attack you like that. I have experienced what this is like (not getting personal attacks) and it is so liberating yet foreign to me. We can't keep tolerating awful behavior just because "oh, he/she didn't mean that." Of course they probably mean it, or they're so hurtful that they wanted to hit you at your weakest point, even if they

[Opinion Owner]

didn't mean it. Who wants that? I certainly don't. If any guy EVER said anything rude to me regarding my biochemical neurotic disorders, he would be out the door.

[big_poppa_pump]

Don't you women ever lash out abrupt things when your hormones aren't in your favor?

[Anonymous]

The comment that you "probably shouldn't have said" was actually very diplomatic and respectful. If that's the most assertive thing you said then you did not say anything out of line. I was expecting much worse. Your boyfriend actually just sounds like an a**hole. Put him on punishment by not dating him again. Saying that after he breaks up with you he'll just find someone better looking is cruel, hurtful harsh and low. I can't imagine a mature, respectful man saying that to me. Maybe your break up was for the best

[why-makoto-kun]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I have had the same thing with my girlfriend,

look with me I had a problem with all the guys that like me girlfriend and I have said some really dumb things where because I'm scared of losing her and I get so angry I have said hurtful things I don't mean any of them and I know it hurt her but we sat down and spoke about what happened 2 DAYS LATER so she and I both had time to cool down and we spoke about what had happen she said her side and I said mine and we got over it because we got to say what we needed to that was one year ago and now we are going to get married because she forgave me and I'm thankful every day for it :) I hope this helps

[Konnour]

I have a feeling this is not the whole story

What did you say before? What was the situation like? Did you really cheat him? Did you flirt with those other guys? How long are you together? Can you see a realistic future for both of you?

[Konnour]

Also you threatened to break-up with him, don't you think that also wasn't hurtful to him? Most likely he was shocked hearing it and backlashed to you, pain for pain

[kangaru]

Never threaten to break up, unless you meant it. I don't know whether this is full story but neither you nor him should hurt each other if you truly love each other

[big_poppa_pump]

Perfect :P

Now you must be happy that you got the drama that you were seeking for.

He apologized for his words,what else do you want?

I can't see a more stable relationship than this.

Congrats

[big_poppa_pump]

Women say far more worse and completely illogical things when hurt or angry.So you need to be a little understanding about the fact that he didn't mean them as he said when he apologized.

[khalifajaz]

same thing happend to me girl :/ hate it wen my boyfriend says means stuff to me wen we fight!

[why-makoto-kun]

And you shouldn't put up with it. He has no right to be stepping on you like that. I would never, ever, tell a boyfriend the things he said to QA.