Boyfriend putting me down so much?

My boyfriend always tells me the bad things about me and he never says anything good. We've been going out for a year and he never used to be like this and now he's changed, he's really mean and says hurtful stuff. Yesterday I went over his house and I wasn't feeling good and he was doing stuff to make me feel uncomfortable so I started crying and he got p*ssed. He said that I cry for stupid reason's and I like crying and that I'm no fun because I get upset to much. Then he started saying stuff he hates about me so I'm like whatever I'm leaving so I grabbed my stuff and walked upstairs. His moms like "awww are you guys fighting again?" and I'm like "yeah, I just wanna go before he says anything else" and she asked what happened and I told her. She started screaming at him to get upstairs and she told him to give me a hug and apologize and he wouldn't he just stood there saying everything's my fault and a lot of other stuff. So I started walking and he wouldn't even come after me, I was locked out of my house so I had to just walk around outside, alone, at night when it was freezing out and he didn't care. I texted him and told him I didn't have any where to go and he's like "that sucks you shouldn't have left, your making yourselg look stupid" then his mom had me come in and sh made me something to eat and he just ignored me the whole time. we eventually worked things out but I don't want to have to keep going through this. What can I say to get him to change back to how he used to be? Would there have been a better way I could've handled the situation? by the way he said that he thinks he's changed because we've been going out for a year and haven't had sex yet. I told him I'm still young and the way he treats me I don't know if I'm ready. The main reason is because I was raped when I was 11 and I'm scared to. Some one please help me and tell me how I can deal with this? I love him and I don't wanna end it, I want to fix it. thanks

 

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    Okay well he could be acting this way, in my opinion, for a number of reasons.

    First of all, he could be intimidated by you. What are your good qualities? It could be that he is afraid that you have more good qualities than he does, and so he's afraid that he can't acknowledge your good qualities. By doing this, he's bringing down your self-esteem, to make himself look good. It's really not about you, in my opinion, it's about himself: he wants to get his, not necessarily take from you.

    Okay. So he was acting nice when you first started going out. Did you guys see each other less then? It could be that he needs space, and you're threatening his personal time and space, and even family. His Mom took your side, I'm sure that made him even more determined to make it your fault.

    Another thing is he may just want to break up with you, but he doesn't know how to do it, so he's trying to be as mean as possible to you, in order for you to break up with him first. This is probably the most likely situation, because it seems like he's just trying to be as mean as possible even if it is totally unreasonable. In any case, this still means that he needs distance. The more you try to work things out in that sort of a scenario, the meaner he's going to be, so the best thing to do is leave him alone a while. It may be that he wants to play the field a bit, but you have to remember that you're probably the best girl he's going to be able to get.

    Another thing is that you are not necessarily compatible. Let's say you're a ballet dancer. He is a football player. He wants a girl who is into watching the games with him and you want a guy who will come to your ballet recitals. He's not going to always do that, and you have to wait for him to do it because he's nice and mature and ready to wrap his head around being a macho guy to do it. At the same time, if you hate watching football games, just don't do it. You don't have to do everything to please him, just tell him you're not coming over for football games, and only do it when you're feeling like being nice to him.

    As far as sex goes, this may sound odd to you, but you should not have a guy who hounds you for sex and believes that he deserves it. There is not "deserving" sex. You should both want it, not just him. And him hounding you is probably making you want it less anyway. My boyfriend doesn't want sex, and I am not depriving him by not "giving it to him". Sex isn't something you give to somebody, it's something you share. He has to be extra sensitive because you've been through sh*t, and he has to admit that you've been through sh*t, which he's not going to do until he grows up and gets some maturity and like I said what he needs for that is a lot lot lot of space. Don't touch him. Don't see him. Don't make him feel like he Has to do anything. He has to come to you. And he has to concede something. He's being immature. He will grow up. Just be patient, don't reward bad behavior, and leave him alone.

  • Something is wrong when we get put down and we go back , get put down and we go back for more, more, more! Then, you wrote that you dnt want to leave him, you just want to fix it/him. Girl, no one on earth can fix anyone...short of spade and neutering. Move on!

  • You may love him but the best way to do it is break up, no matter how hard.

    After awhile you'll see that you feel better without him, even if he begs you back just keep your head highl

    Don't have sex just for him, does he know you were raped?

  • He's doing it because he can do it. Because you are letting him do it. He isn't doing it because you are not having sex, though he may think that is the reason.


    When my ex-husband and I hit the 5 year mark on our marriage, he suddenly, out of the blue, decided it was okay to call me names when we argued. That is never okay but I am an adult and I knew that. Within a week of this new ugly behavior of his I told him, very angrily I might add, that no one deserved to be treated that way and that calling me names was unacceptable and I was willing to lose out on my marriage and even my chance of ever having kids (I was already 35 by then) rather than live with this. I let him know that I loved him but I could not accept his behavior. And then I let him think on it. Our marriage continued, his name calling stopped, and yes, in the long run we ended up divorced but for other reasons and he never called me a name again.


    When you don't stand up for yourself out of fear of losing someone, it is a big mistake. You should only stay with someone who makes you feel good about yourself and who makes you a better person. When that is not happening, you need to get out. Explore the possibility that also being a victim of rape your self-esteem is not where it should be to stand up for yourself. You may need therapy to help you repair that.

  • If there was nothing good about you sweety he wouldn't be with you. Men tend to do that when they have found something good and don't want it to go anywhere. He's putting down yourself esteem so that you feel he is the only one who can love you. But that's not true gurl. don't fall for that or he sees you comitted and he loves you but doesn't want to get to serious. Big mistake when you involve his mom trust me don't do that I know it gets you to see him or in the door but that's not good hun. how old are you by the way? w/b

    • Thanks and I'm 16

  • He's an ass, go find someone else

    Take a p*ss in his bed before you go.

  • Well to tell you the truth he dosn't sound like a nice guy atm sorry.


    just try to talk to him in person and tell him how much it hurts you when he says bad things about and starts being mean he needs to know how it feels then he will know how you felt


    And I'm sure he would be like he was when you guys first started going out.


    And hopefully he will treat you right like boyfriends should. Goodluck tho (:

  • point #1- you both sound incredibly childish. sorry, but you do.

    point #2- you have amazing strength to not have let him have sex with you even after you've been going out a year. you are a credit to your sex.

    point #3- my first boyfriend was a guy who was sweet at first, but then was very verbally abusive. I let him degrade me and felt very unworthy of even living after a couple months. then he started talking about breaking up with me. because I was afraid to lose him, I went farther sexually than I felt ready for or wanted to- not all the way, thank God, but still, farther than I felt ready for. we ended up breaking up anyway and I felt utterly worthless and depressed for a couple months after. but after a year of reflection and realizations, I have come to the conclusion that he was verbally abusive because he knew he could be, because I was already so attached to him. your boyfriend does the things he does because he knows he can too- because you are attached to him.

    point #4- I don't know whether you should break up with him or try to fix things; personally, I would break it off with him, get as far away from him as is possible, and let myself heal from it all before dating again. but... there are different solutions to every problem- you aren't me. and its your choice, your relationship. just consider very carefully. that's my only advice.

  • Dont take his sh*t anymore (excuse my language) when he gives you attitude just say something smart and sassy to ward him off a little , and the next time he asks you to have sex and it makes you upset or uncomfortable tell him he'll have better luck with blow up sally , next time he gets all p*ssed off for no reason joke with him , try to make him laugh and remind him your still awsome , if he laighs it'll break his concintration , it'll help him lighten up a bit


    and through it all don't be down on your self if it doesn't work out between you two their are plenty of guys out their who will take pride in respecting you.

  • hes an ass whole brake upp with him

  • thats not cool, don't stand for that

  • when I was around 6 my grandma's husband which I looked up to like a granfather used to touch me.never raped me but he did my sister.when I started dating I was so scare of getting touch and the tough of having sex scared me.when I meet my 1st boyfriend he kinda pressured me to have sex with him so I did because I fealt I would have lost him if I didnt.then when we had sex for the 1st time couple of times after he raped me.so we broke up and I was even more scared of beying in a relationship and having sex.but I think you should have sex when ever you feel ready because I wasnt ready when I did and it truly doesn't feel right when your not ready.because now I have a boyfriend and I leaft at that in my past and when we had sex it fealt so right because I wasnt presured I was ready.but anyways I think he's a jerk for saying he changed because you guys haven't had sex.i think he's beying mean to make you have sex with him like my ex did to me.so don't fall in to it.dont say oh seens me not having sex with him is making him change then let me have sex with him for he could be the same again because it won't work.if you see he still ask that way with you send him to hell.even if its hard

  • Dump him...HES NOT THE ONE...trust me. you will definitely regret it if you lose it to this guy. Maybe when your gone, he will mature and realize what a good girl he had...but as long as you stay nothing will change, and don't think for a second, (which I hope you don't), that you putting out will change things, if anything it will get worse, not to mention he doesn't deserve it. It sounds like your pretty attached or love him...but keep in mind the old saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back it was always urs, if not it was never meant to be...Good luck

  • I had a boyfriend that did the same thing. I'm not saying all guys are the same...but if I were you I'd run.

  • because he's abusing you. I would move on

  • Why do you choose to be with someone that treats you like this? Would you want any of your friends to be involved w/a jerk like this? No - didn't think so. Break up with this asshole. You deserve better.

  • His behaviour is awful and he does it because he knows he can. You don't need that kind of person in your life. I think you should end it otherwise he will just keep on hurting you. You deserve so much better.

  • You can't fix people.

    I tried, got abused, tried again, got cheated on, tried again, got hit again.

    Now I'm with the first guy I've never had to "fix" and I couldn't be happier. You need to move on. I know you're scared, but the first step is to confront the fact that he isn't the guy you fell for anymore. If he cared for you, he would understand how your past has affected you and your need for a slow physical relationship. He's blaming you for his being a raging dick and you're letting yourself take the blame.

    You have to end it.

  • sounds like he's a jerk and he doesn't want to make the relationship last.


    stop letting him hurt you and end the relationship. someone else will love you more than you could ever hope for.


    you deserve better.


  • he's a dick. sex doesn't solve anything. dump his ass


    its going to be hard because you're going to miss having someone there to cuddle with, but I'm sure you can find someone else. just have fun with your life and don't let a boy get in the way!


    go and do something exciting and adventurous!

  • Girl, if I were you, I'd dump his sorry ass.

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  • Well being raped can leave deep emotional scares. This can stay with you for quite sometime. Being with a immature boy can and will make things worse for you. He is very insecure with himself therefore takes it out on you by belittling you. Don't let him! Stand up for yourself, don't let anyone treat you like a doormat. You are worth much more. I know you feel like you love this kid but do yourself a favor and don't say another word to the fool. Watch what happens!

  • wow, yea he seems like a complete jerk. tell him you don't want a a repeat of that night, tell him if he keeps acting the way he's acting its over and you don't wanna have sex till your ready and to stop pressuring you, relationships aren't all about sex. there's much more to it.

  • thats why there is a thing called an ex boyfriend. Ex's are ex's for a reason. This guy obviously sounds like he's got problems...you should probably find a guy who respects you for who you are. Guys who are negative most likely have anger issues, too.


    if you were raped, you need to tell someone who you can trust...and find a guy who will support you rather than put you down. Optimism, not pessimism.


  • wow, your going through what my girlfriend and I went through. I was just like your boyfriend at one point, wow. Lemme think for a second...He does love you, but there's something on his mind that's getting to him. You ned to try and confront him about it. In a very cautious manner, every word matters. It could be a dozen things on his mind, he may not even know. Could be something about your past with other guys, and he may even know that the two of you have lost something and is frustrated that he doesn't know how to fix it. When my girlfriend would go outside I would go out with her sometimes, then I quit because I figured I needed to let her think to herself because I was so right and blah blah blah. I was being dstubborn. My girlfriend and I pulled through it, I think you can to.

    My girlfriend used to cry tons to, because I would try to stay calm and when I couldn take it anymore I would lose it. She would cry because she was scared, tell him you cry because your scared. Tell him you truly love him and want to be with him and you want things to be fixed. Show him you posted this just so you could try and find an answer to fix things and find out what's wrong. He sounds like a good guy but somthing is troubling him. I think you two ca make it, try and talk with him. And you didn't really do anything wrong at all, just..man you guys fight like me and my girlfriend do. Or used to, you just need to ask him and comfort him. I used to not fel very comforted. Do you guys fight alot? You just need to ask him what's up and comfrot him and hell comfort you in return and he may actually cry. I truly hope things will work out for you and you to make it. I really do. Pray and ask god too.

    • Hi wild man, I could use some talking with you about your behaviour..please if you could spare time this is my ym...pdea.dandrea@yahoo.com thanx

  • not gonna read the story.. but just based on the question, if someone is constantly putting you down, then they are lacking something in their own personality.. so f*** em.. and move on.. gl!

  • You really need to look at this situation seriously.


    People who were raped often get into similar sexual abuse in their future relationships. It almost sounds like they carry a certain "victim perfume" that attracts abusers.


    BEFORE they were raped, rape victims often reported they ALREADY were abused by their parents at an earlier age.When they meet their abusers (who later become their boyfriends), they sensea feeling of familiarity. They don't feel comfortable, it is very important to note. It is the sense of familiarity that the victims confuse with love.


    If you don't want your memory bank to be filled with a long series of "abuser and victim" relationships, you must heal yourself right now.


    Irregardless of what happened to you in the past, you are a worthy individual deserving all the respect and love of people around you. You have outgrown that 11 year old who was raped, or that kid who was abused. if you haven't done that emotionally, make sure you do that. This is something that is never too late to do, emotional maturity and continous development. Best wishes !

  • I'd like to just tell you exactly what to do, but honestly it sounds like you already know. When he treats you badly, how do you feel? Do you think the relationship is healthy?


    Being raped at such a young age, or any age, creates a very deep wound. I'm proud that you're able to acknowledge the assault, and bare in mind how it effects you now.


    My favorite book is "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." You might like it. In it, my favorite quote reads "We accept the love we think we deserve."


    It's time to rethink just what kind of love you deserve. I'd say you can do much better.

  • Leave him, I ain't like you married to the guy. True love would never put your self-esteem down, cos love by nature seeks 'the highest good' of a person. If you were married I would say try to make it work, but you ain't so leave him before you do get hitched and regret it

  • Look I know you don't want to lost him (and to be honest, I don't understand why) but honestly if he's treating you like this because you two haven't had sex, of all the stupid reasons then as far as I'm concerned this guy doesn't deserve you. This is abuse plain and simple. The sad fact is I don't think that talking to him is going to make a difference. Oh I'm sure if you can work up the nerve to, you can try telling him that if he doesn't stop treating you like this you're going to leave him. There is a chance he'll stop being an @sshole or maybe dial it down a bit, but based on what you're saying it doesn't sound like he'll take you very seriously.


    Sorry hon'. My answer is that you dump him, and don't look back. You sound to me like a very sweet girl. You should walk away. I'm pretty sure you can find somebody better.

    • I'm checking back on some of my old answers. Doing a follow up.


      Was this answer at all helpful to you?

  • Sweetie, you need to talk to him. Tell him how he makes you feel, and that you REALLY don't like it. And as much as it might hurt to talk about, you need to tell him about the rape. If this doesn't work and he doesn't do anything but try to get into your pants, then you really need to leave him, because it really sounds like he has lost all respect for you. and that just isn't right...A girl should never be treated like he treats you.

  • So...He's verbally abusing you because you won't have sex with him?


    He sounds like a jerk...I can't believe how mean some people can be =(


    You should dump him, unless you think you can work this out...

  • . . . .what a f*cking c*nt!

    is this geniune?

    if he done that then what are you still dong with him?!

    leave him gurl you can do much better!

    to me it sounds he's only after then sex

    dump his sorry ass and find someone that LOVES you!

    he's a pr*ck and no one should be allowed to treat you like that!

    • Definitely! liamkarl is right.

      you can do soooo much better!

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