Why doesn't my boyfriend make plans with me?

invite me anywhere, involve me in his plans?

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 1/2 years. We constantly argue about the fact that he will make plans with his friends and family and not tell me about it or talk to me about. He will mention it at some point just in passing. He says, "well of course you're welcome to come along," but it's really not the same as being invited. To me it feels like he could care less whether I'm there or not. Last Christmas I asked him if we could make plans for new year's eve and he told me he already had plans and that I was welcome to come but that's what he was doing. It's not something I wanted to be doing, so I didn't go with him. He would not compromise. He spent new year's with his best friend and his wife (in addition to spending the entire week prior to new year's eve with them as well - I didn't see him at all). Just recently I asked him if we could plan a trip this summer and he didn't seem that interested and said he didn't know when he'd be able to go (he's leaving in July for 3 months to go to OK for job training). The next day he casually mentioned that he had made plans with friends for memorial day weekend. I was not invited. Basically he never makes an effort to make plans for things we can do together, nor does he specifically invite me to do things with him. It has always been the case that if I want to spend time with him I have to initiate a conversation about it and hope that he hasn't made any other plans yet. I don't think he thinks about setting aside time to do things with me that might be special or meaningful. I think he thinks it's good enough that we live togehter and see each other everyday. The thing is though; we really only see each other 4 days a week for any significant amount of time (because of my work schedule)and that's if he doesn't have plans to go anywhere, which he does more often than not. I had hoped that we would get married one day, but he acts like I just don't mean that much to him. He gets excited about doing things with other people, but not with me. I don't wish that he would spend all his time with me or shouldn't ever get to do anything with his friends; it just seems like he doesn't seem to care whether we spend time together or not. He also used to ditch me a lot to go drinking with his friends and recently we had plans to spend the evening together but he decided to go to a friend's house to drink instead. At the time he promised me he would give up a ten day trip to africa if I let him go out that night. I said okay, but he went to Africa anyway and broke his promise. Our therapist says I shouldn't be surprised by this behavior because he's an alcoholic, but that's only part of the problem I think. Am I wasting my time with this person, or am I acting spoiled and needy?

I really appreciate the feedback so far. I think we do need to break up mainly because he doesn't care about my wants and needs. It's just hard to leave someone you love and wanted to marry.. but I guess I'm living a fantasy and I need to move on.

Most Helpful Girl

  • If he really cared about you he would be making a effort to be with you. You are basically a second thought to him, not a first and after two years you SHOULD be first. This sounds like the way people act when they are just casually dating in the first few months not like a serious relationship that has been going on for years! Yes, you are wasting your time. He wants you there probably for the convience of sex and company when his friends are busy not because he likes to spend time with you (or else he would be spending time with you) or because he loves you (if he loved you he would make more effort to see you and want to see you). So, why are you wasting your time with someone so undeserving? At this point in a relationship it is sh*t or get off the pot. People at this point either break up and stop wasting their time or if they are meant to be together start to move in together, talk about plans for the future (marriage, children.) The latter isn't happening, he doesn't even care to make plans tomorrow with you let alone the future, so why waste your time? You DESERVE someone who wants to be with you and spend time with you, who doesn't break promises and who doesn't have a alcohol problem. You ARE NOT spoiled and needy for wanting to be a priority in the life of the person you have been with for over two years now. That is a very reasonable request. I am not saying that he should want to be up your butt and around the cornor 24/7, but he should make soild plans with you at least a couple times a week and holiday plans (such as New Year's) should be made together. This is signs someone respects you, loves you, and enjoys spending time with you. If he isn't showing you he feels this way, please drop him like the bad habit he is and move onto bigger and better things (like men deserving of a girl as understanding and patience as you!)