Feels like my boyfriend and I are drifting apart, please help!!!

[AmieK]

We've been in a long distance relationship for a year. In the beginning everything was more than great. We talked everyday through calls & texts, and saw each other almost every weekend. We couldn't keep our hands of each other.

A couple of months ago everything started to change (honeymoon phase passed) but he assured me that he loves me & wants to spend the rest of his life with me & he told me that he would like to get engaged soon.

About a month ago he got a new job & because he is much busier & stressed at work, now we are not able to talk as much & for a while we will only be seeing each other about once a month, which is understandable. I don't want to put more stress on him with this feelings I'm having.

For a couple of days now we've bearly talked & if we do its only for a brief moment. I find it quite difficult to explain my feelings to him sometimes, mostly I feel like he wouldn't understand or he would not like what he is hearing & lately he doesn't like to talk about serious things (his feelings). A couple of times while we were fighting, he had said some things that truly hurt me & made me very uncertain about his feelings about the relationship. (Sometimes I wander if he even really wants this relationship)

Now however, it feels like I don't know what's going on in his life & in his head anymore. I get that he's 90% preoccupied with work & I get that he's exhausted when he's done working. I mean, I get that, but at the same time I don't understand how he's not able (NOW) to make just a little bit of time for me, he used to in the past. This hurts. It makes me feel like I'm not important to him anymore. Maby I'm being unreasonable & expect to much.

I try to be understanding, but I don't know how long I can go on like this, I'm not used to this! I'm a (over) sensitive kind of person who needs affection, closeness & loads of love, & in the past he was more than able to give me all of that even when we were miles apart. I want to be able to talk to him about everything & I would LOVE to know how he is feeling towards me & if he really means what he says.

He keeps on telling me that it will get better, but I need more than words. I'm feeling him slip through my fingers & it seems like there is nothing that I can do about it. I love him with all of my heart & I can't stand the thought of being without him. But I'm very confused!

What should I do? Please help!

Thanks!

[Ingrid422]

Hey, I think it's crunch time and it's now or never. You must tell him you're feeling like you're drifting apart. Tell him what you need, the kinda person you are, as you told us. I recognized those traits as mine, in my own relationship. I too can be overly sensitive and a bit needy. You have the words but not the actions. I have the actions but not the words. You can't have both ways, huh? I think if you don't talk this through with him, you'll feel more and more miserable. Of course, sometimes times are rough and you don't have much time to spend together, but you can always make things work where you're both into each other.

I think he's not making as much of an effort as he used too and as he should and you're feeling let down and more and more like a stranger to his life. I'm sure he could understand how you feel. Things can't get better if you don't tell him how you feel and what's upsetting you and making you sad these days. Guys suck at reading minds. They tend to think things are fine and that they're getting away with everything they do as long as you don't say a word. Sometimes it's worth shaking things up. It definitely shakes my boyfriend upside down where we have a huge make-it-or-break-it discussion like this. The first one is the hardest to have but I've found along the way that it gets better after a few discussions like these. Don't get me wrong, I still bawl my eyes out and feel heartbroken and crushed beyong repair every time. But the difference is that at the 2nd, 3rd, etc. major talk like this, you'll be more honest because you'll tell yourself "We've survived the last one. We'll go through this one as well". And the more honest you pour your heart out, the more likely he is to get your point and make significant changes. That is if he's the right guy and willing to stay by your side, of course, but in every relationship you kinda start sniffing that after some point. You have a relative idea if he'll freak out and run the other way around or try to work this through with you.

Hey, maybe you'll tell him and he'll be like "Sorry honey. It's the most I can do". It's a risk. But it's also your responsibility to be true to yourself and face the fact that "Hey, I can't keep on settling for this. He won't give me more. Am I willing to pursue this sadness-inducing relationship for the hopes of something better later down the road?". It's a dilemma, but it matters in life to determine where to cross the line - what you're willing to put up with and what you aren't - and live your life accordingly. Good luck, don't lose faith in him. He might love you as much as you do but you're not seeing it anymore due to the circumstances and your doubts about this relationship.

[Ingrid422]

Thanks a lot for BA! :):)

[AyooBrynnah]

You're not happy and I can promise you neither is he. If you love him and trust him then you should tell him how you feel. Have you ever thought about moving in together? Maybe the long distance I'd what's making him slip away. You either need to version it off now before he gets even more attached, or take things to the next level and move in together.

[rotinaj10]

Sounds more like you're pushing him away than he's slipping through your fingers. Let me tell you from a guys perspective... Reading that made me very uncomfortable putting myself in his shoes. Sounds a lot like nagging and whining. I understand your feelings but you have to try and reel in the crazy smothering woman thing you've got going on. That sh*t will push him away eventually. Especially of you guys aren't seeing each other very often.

Why don't you move to where he is at?

[AmieK]

We've been planning on moving in together end of this year when I'm done with college.

I'm not going to argue, sometimes I annoy myself with my nagging, and I try to hold myself in & make myself believe that everything is as he claims it to be (okay)

Could you be so kind as to give me some advice on how I can be better in addressing this feelings I'm to him? Sometimes it seems to me that nagging an whinning is the only way he would listen & realize that I feel that something is wrong.

[rotinaj10]

One thing you could do is soften it by saying ”I don't want to sound like a nag” or make sure you tell him it's not necessarily his fault but just what you're feeling. I think us guys tend to get on the defensive when it comes to woman's feelings because in our minds we don't think anything is wrong.

Remember that guys can be kind of oblivious when it comes to feelings. I think once you guys move in together a lot of this will go away.