I think my boyfriend went to a strip club and lied?

[RRSB2]

I told my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years that if he ever went to a strip club I would break up with him - no hesitation. I don't set any other rules on him whatsoever, just this one. I consider strip clubs to be cheating. If he looks at a naked girl it is the same as me having a naked guy in my room. He has known this since the beginning.

Last Wednesday he mentioned that his friends were going to a strip club on friday and that he wanted to go with. I asked him if he was serious of kidding around because I was shocked that he would even think I would be okay with it. I told him what would happen if he went. FURTHERMORE, it was our anniversary on friday so I reminded him that he promised to spend time with me!

After that conversation he started acting really distant, and completely blew me off that friday, saying he had to work late and went to bed early! He also refused to spend time with me on Saturday, and now he barely even wants to talk on the phone.

Honestly, I have a really bad feeling that he went. It makes me feel horrible that he would lie to me like that, but he's known about my ONE rule for a long time.

Is his behavior a sign of a guilty conscience?

Updates

+1 y

**IMPORTANT PART: HE WANTED TO GO TO THE STRIP CLUB ON OUR ANNIVERSARY**

[Simple-Simonette]

I don't think he lied to you, I think he's giving himself some space to rethink the relationship. By keeping his distance, he can be objective about his feelings for you and your "one rule".

To me, being in a relationship isn't about laying down rules. It's common courtesy that if you love someone, then you would avoid doing things to purposely hurt them - but doling out the "cans" and "cannots" is too much like a parenting to me. I have parents, I wouldn't want to bring one into my bed. By restricting his social life, you're only thinking about yourself and how his actions make you feel. Where do his feelings about this come into play. Though it may seem acceptable to you to give up That One Thing for love - it isn't acceptable to everyone. I wouldn't do it, nor would I expect my partner to do anything like that. We all wish that our partners would be exactly what we want them to be in order us to keep us happy at all times. What about your partner's happiness though? He wanted to be with his friends, and because of you he couldn't.

Of course he's partially to blame for accepting your ridiculous ultimatum in the first place. I'm sure in his head, he agreed to it to make you happy, but thought he could work it out in his favor when it ever came up.

Now he could be thinking about the future with you - that he gave you an inch and one day you're going to want a foot, a yard, a mile. When will it stop? One rule can morph into two, into twenty - he's looking at the bars of his future cage - and it could be that he doesn't like it one bit. Maybe he sees himself on the fast track to being p**** whipped.

Has he ever done anything for you to distrust him? Are you giving him all the credit he deserves by accusing him of lying?

I'm not going to tell you to lighten up and let him go out - you shouldn't do something you don't want to just to keep a man. But I will caution you that people don't like leashes, no matter how soft they are, and you should examine your trust issues before you start hurling accusations. He didn't have to tell you at all about the invite, there were opportunities to lie, but he paid you a courtesy by asking you first. To me that says a lot about his intentions towards you.

Good luck.

[romeo_is_dead]

Very well said.

[Simple-Simonette]

Maybe he forgot about the anniversary, which isn't very thoughtful. Did he not spend time with you because he had to work late? Or did he just blow you off?

[RRSB2]

No, he did not forgot out anniversary. We had been making plans to see each other that friday until this strip club thing came up. He told me that he worked until 7 pm, then went to sleep. I found out yesterday that he went out for a few beers friday night, but of course he didn't tell me WHERE.

[answerguy]

Profound advice, people want a partner, not a parent. Laying down rules is dangerous territory. Helping him understand why you feel the way you do, without making it a rule, and you understanding how he feels about it would be communication and compromise. Also, he may be scared that a 18 month anniversary is such a big deal...maybe he's re-thinking the seriousness of a relationship with constraints on things he enjoys.

[Reneexox3]

dump him if he doesn't respect you and your wishes, find someone who will listen to you and be there for you on your anniverary :) find true love, you deserve it!

[RRSB2]

I think everyone else seemed to miss that very important fact! He ditched me on our ANNIVERSARY!

[Kbebe]

He is in the wrong! Thats it! You told him how you felt and he started acting shady because he lied to you. Dump him! Find a guy that shares your values.

[Rickles]

I don't see why he would try, if that was my girlfriends main rule I would completely follow it, I kind of understand if you would have had like 20 rules, He would be feeling like he had no freedom at all. Still though, I don't think it's because he's guilty, I just think he's mad, especially if it would have been his first time, which I don't think it is. The top two things a guy wants to do once he turns 18 is Buy a Playboy/other porn, and Go to a strip club at least once. If it was his first time I would just say cut him a little bit of slack, if it wasn't then maybe he's not feeling like you do enough stuff sexually for him. If you are though, then he's really messed up. I don't think he lied to you though, working late is an excuse that only men in movies use, we don't use it in real life unless we're extremely retarded. I hope I helped some.

(P.S. I agreed with Scottish warrior until I read your story, I agree with you more now)

[RRSB2]

He is 22. He's been to strip clubs before, while he was dating other girls. We've had this discussion before. He told me I was the only girlfriend who wouldn't let him go. And I replied "That's no excuse. I'm not your other girlfriends."

[Rickles]

Well then I completly agree with you, he's just a dumb ass, especially on your anniversary. I mean, I really don't know what to say, I really think you should leave him and hope for someone else to come along, I hate telling people to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend but in this case I would have to say you should, He's not right for you, find someone that respects your rules, but if he asks don't get really mad, it's just in our nature, we like adventure.

[scottish_warrior]

that is quite unfair 2 say its like having a naked guy in your room

you need to chill or your gona lose him

he was honest with you when he said he wanted to go

his behavior is like that because you stop him having fun with his guy friends

if any of my girlfriend said they wanted to to go see some male strippers with her friends I would let her and think it was cool that she was having fun because I loved and trusted her even if I did not like the idea you got to have the give and take attitude for your relationship 2 be solid

[RRSB2]

There are other ways for him to have fun with his friends OTHER than strip clubs. I am not a controlling girlfriend, I only have this ONE rule. I let him hang out with them all the time, hell, he even invites me along!

[scottish_warrior]

I had some more thought about I missed the fact it was your anniversary (sorry I was skimming a bit) was just plain selfish you have every wright to be mad at him he should be grovelling for your forgiveness not acting like a fool

if that was a ground rule that you laid down from the start and you both agreed on it he should respect your wishes and to do it on your anniversary one word...... SHAMEFUL

[1FastFC]

Yeah you need to calm down buddy or you will lose him.

As scottish warrior said , this guy is being honest with you and telling you he wants to go there with his friends. As long as he's not going there every week or every paycheck you have nothing to worry about!

And no its not the same as having a naked guy in your room, sorry.

[RRSB2]

I don't understand why I'm coming off as the bad person for not wanting him to go. I have a moral issue with strip clubs. I know some of you guys might not agree, but that's okay. Why do I have to compromise on something I feel so strongly for? Really, is one night at the strip club more important than our entire relationship?

[rdxhai]

"I consider strip clubs to be cheating. If he looks at a naked girl it is the same as me having a naked guy in my room."

Wow... those are 2 totally different things. Worst analogy ever.

[RRSB2]

I meant that if he has a naked girl dancing in front of him trying to seduce him, it's the same as if a guy was doing it to me. I'm NOT okay with him giving money to some random girl to get naked for him. How does that not spell out cheating to you?