Why is he so abusive, when he says he loves me?


I have been with my boyfriend for approximately 8 months. My first real relationship. The problem I am having is I am very attached to him but he has slowly made me lose a lot of confidence and I no longer feel like my usual, happy smiley self around him or anyone else.

I met him on an intensive masters programme, so it was a tough year for both of us. I had just moved to a new city and was extremely grateful to have someone so close in my life. When I first met him I thought it was odd that he insulted my name (he said it sounded like an old lady's name). My name is unusual but it was one of the things I quite liked about myself, so was a little hurt. He generally started making fun of me, but as he had purposely come over to sit by me, presumed he was doing the nervously flirting thing, and I put it down to nerves.

We ended up getting closer and in the end went on a date. We were very comfortable around each other, but his sense of humour was very much 'taking the mick' constantly. I'm fine with this, having two brothers, but when it is constant, and about things you don't want to hear from someone you are dating, it started to take its toll.

We began going out properly, which he rushed me into, but the insults got worse. I always made a conscious effort to dress nicely for him, but he would insult my dress sense, and he said I had a blind spot when it came to coats and he said I should bin them all. I cried one night because he was so horrible about what I was wearing. He said he was sorry, but later said I couldn't take a joke. How is that a joke? Would you say this to someone you love?

Before starting the course I ran a shop, which at first he said he was really impressed about. After a while he started taking the mick out of it daily, saying no wonder it didn't last with the amount I charge, and whenever I talked about it, he would say things like well you didn't really run a business because you never made any profit, although he knew nothing about it. He made me cry again one morning because he just would not stop criticising the shop, even when I hadn't brought it up. It was a part of my life, maybe I didn't succeed but I tried. He keeps saying its all a joke and he doesn't mean it. Surely these can't all be jokes.

There were many other examples of insults, like sometimes I fell asleep early, because I'd been working long hours and he'd call me an old woman.

From the beginning he would refer to his ex as being good at things like singing. Why does he insult me, but boost his ex up so much?

He's very controlling, he treats me like a tamigotchi or child. He says things to me like put that glass on a coaster or, turn the light off in the bathroom before you come out.

I don't understand what this is, he can be very caring and he tells me often that he loves me. But its such a mixture of signals and emotions, I have no idea what he is really feeling.

Can guys interpret his behavior for me? Does he love me like he says or am I blind?

Most Helpful Guy

  • He's got a bad nature,with too much negativity.This won't be good for anyone around him,and it will just bring you down.If you continue,it will lower your self-esteem even more.

    They are not just jokes,if they're full of negative criticism.

    There is such a thing as constructive criticism,where someone suggests ways of making improvements and making your life easier.They'll do this without being insulting,but they're hoping you will change things in your life and they care about you.They won't ridicule you over things you cannot change.

    Being consciously aware of his negativity offers you some protection,but it will still take its toll.The coaster and the bathroom light are just telling you he has no faith in your ability to get things right (another put-down).

    He may think he loves you,but his negative words are destroying anyone close to him.He is not making you feel more valuable;it's exactly the opposite.He may be making himself feel superior when he puts you down,but that's socially unacceptable.

    This man would be a terrible influence on children,if you were to have any.They would grow up to feel worthless,achieve less,and probably turn to drugs and crime.

    If he can't re-program himself and his brain and his mouth to be more positive and up-lifting for those around him,leave while you're still strong enough.

    Print this out and show him,if you like.He needs a wake-up call.

    • I just wanted to say thank you for this answer, I broke up with him and I re-read this often to remind myself that I deserve better. So thank you :)