Why is he so abusive, when he says he loves me?


I have been with my boyfriend for approximately 8 months. My first real relationship. The problem I am having is I am very attached to him but he has slowly made me lose a lot of confidence and I no longer feel like my usual, happy smiley self around him or anyone else.

I met him on an intensive masters programme, so it was a tough year for both of us. I had just moved to a new city and was extremely grateful to have someone so close in my life. When I first met him I thought it was odd that he insulted my name (he said it sounded like an old lady's name). My name is unusual but it was one of the things I quite liked about myself, so was a little hurt. He generally started making fun of me, but as he had purposely come over to sit by me, presumed he was doing the nervously flirting thing, and I put it down to nerves.

We ended up getting closer and in the end went on a date. We were very comfortable around each other, but his sense of humour was very much 'taking the mick' constantly. I'm fine with this, having two brothers, but when it is constant, and about things you don't want to hear from someone you are dating, it started to take its toll.

We began going out properly, which he rushed me into, but the insults got worse. I always made a conscious effort to dress nicely for him, but he would insult my dress sense, and he said I had a blind spot when it came to coats and he said I should bin them all. I cried one night because he was so horrible about what I was wearing. He said he was sorry, but later said I couldn't take a joke. How is that a joke? Would you say this to someone you love?

Before starting the course I ran a shop, which at first he said he was really impressed about. After a while he started taking the mick out of it daily, saying no wonder it didn't last with the amount I charge, and whenever I talked about it, he would say things like well you didn't really run a business because you never made any profit, although he knew nothing about it. He made me cry again one morning because he just would not stop criticising the shop, even when I hadn't brought it up. It was a part of my life, maybe I didn't succeed but I tried. He keeps saying its all a joke and he doesn't mean it. Surely these can't all be jokes.

There were many other examples of insults, like sometimes I fell asleep early, because I'd been working long hours and he'd call me an old woman.

From the beginning he would refer to his ex as being good at things like singing. Why does he insult me, but boost his ex up so much?

He's very controlling, he treats me like a tamigotchi or child. He says things to me like put that glass on a coaster or, turn the light off in the bathroom before you come out.

I don't understand what this is, he can be very caring and he tells me often that he loves me. But its such a mixture of signals and emotions, I have no idea what he is really feeling.

Can guys interpret his behavior for me? Does he love me like he says or am I blind?


Most Helpful Guy

  • He's got a bad nature,with too much negativity.This won't be good for anyone around him,and it will just bring you down.If you continue,it will lower your self-esteem even more.

    They are not just jokes,if they're full of negative criticism.

    There is such a thing as constructive criticism,where someone suggests ways of making improvements and making your life easier.They'll do this without being insulting,but they're hoping you will change things in your life and they care about you.They won't ridicule you over things you cannot change.

    Being consciously aware of his negativity offers you some protection,but it will still take its toll.The coaster and the bathroom light are just telling you he has no faith in your ability to get things right (another put-down).

    He may think he loves you,but his negative words are destroying anyone close to him.He is not making you feel more valuable;it's exactly the opposite.He may be making himself feel superior when he puts you down,but that's socially unacceptable.

    This man would be a terrible influence on children,if you were to have any.They would grow up to feel worthless,achieve less,and probably turn to drugs and crime.

    If he can't re-program himself and his brain and his mouth to be more positive and up-lifting for those around him,leave while you're still strong enough.

    Print this out and show him,if you like.He needs a wake-up call.

    • I just wanted to say thank you for this answer, I broke up with him and I re-read this often to remind myself that I deserve better. So thank you :)

What Guys Said 10

  • The classic good girl with bad guy story eh? Not that I want to sound like a jerk but kind off ya fault for going head over heels for a bad guy, you know they bad s type of guy. He is a jerk. I don't know maybe you fall into the stereotype of girls falling for bad guys.

    He is a jerk basically and since he knows you are not going to leave him, after so many insults. He just be himself around you. Just ditch him and find a nice guy not saying go find a nerd. Go find a nicer one that treat you with respect and stuff you know.

    Good luck.

    Also if you do ditch him, give him one nice sucker punch to that d bag face of his. Bloody Douches wrecking nice girls like you. Just stay away from them ok? Even if they are attractive or fun or whatever. On the long term, it ain't fun to be with them.

  • I'm sorry but he probably doeesn't love you as much as you think he does.

    Sex could be the reason he stays, or he say he "love you"

    When I saw you are new to the city I understand because I immigrated. It could be overwhelming to realize you have nobody, and quickly jump into a relatioship. You also said you are very attatched to your boyfriend. I think your (abusive) boyfriend shouldn't be your entire world, especially when you are new to the city and fear being alone. He could take advantage of your situation.

    Of course I'm guessing. If I guessed right you should find time to make make friends even if you work long hours. It could be hard but you will need support if you decided to leave him.

    Good luck.

  • Any 'man' that abuses a woman (physically or verbally) is not a man. If he was a real man and really loved you, he would respect you and wouldn't do the things he does.

    You deserve better.

  • Some people aren't happy unless they are bitching about something, or making others unhappy. Sadly I've heard of this being used as a dating technique, make her insecure so she'll stay.

    Stand up for yourself, I believe that you are young have plenty of opportunities and you shouldn't waste another minute of your life with someone who is obviously going to make you unhappy as long as you are with him.

    My father does this to my mother, and even worse he seems to be bipolar but undiagnosed, he's convinced that there's nothing wrong with him, that he's always right etc. She often laments the wasted years she's spent and tells me that the only reason she's allowed him to make her miserable all these years was because of me and my siblings. My mother is a wise person, and her advice to you would be life is short, stop wasting your time. I know because I've seen her respond this way to a complaint like yours more than once.

  • My first thought was this. You need to gradually extricate yourself from this relationship. These things he has said to you are abusive and he must have very low self esteem Do you think he would be a good father to your kids?

    You could try a heart to heart talk but if he continues you'll be stuck with someone who abuses you for the rest of your life. If you can make him really listen, there is a possibility that he will realize his behavior is creating a guy he does not want to be and change into the guy you thought he was.

  • I just got out of a long term relationship, I loved my girlfriend too bits, I still love her and I have never loved anyone more in my life.

    However I'm a caring and decent loving person and I done a lot for her. But she would do things that would hurt me and seem like she didn't care about my feelings.

    I would then retaliate by texting her abuse when I was drunk, I said nasty things but regretted them the next day. I wanted her to feel hurt because I was hurting so much. I knew what to say to hurt her.

    I never insulted her in a malicious way, but it tend to be an action of hers would create my verbal abuse. Like she would know how to push my button getting me to react making me feel like the bad guy.

    It was worse because we both really loved each other. I would probably unknowingly do this that would hurt her and she would do the same."

    However every horrible word I said to her I never meant a word. It was said in anger

  • Words honestly aren't really as telling about somebody as their actions. Almost all women who are physically and emotionally abused are also told how much they are loved and cared for from guy abusing them.

    Does he really love you? maybe. But he is not treating you in a way that is making you happy so unless things change, I doubt you are going to be very happy in the relationship

  • if he abuses you then he doesn't really love you he just says he does I would get out of such a relation ship and find some one better

  • Both. You're blind since he was mean to begin with. He loves you but was a d*** when you met him and has only become more comfortable therefore a bigger d***.


What Girls Said 3

  • When you're no longer happy and losing yourself that's when it's timeto hit the road. You don't deserve that and he shouldn't be able to see that his behavior is ok.

  • Dump him and move on. He sounds like a twat who gets off on making people close to him feel like sh*t. Those who love you wouldn't have you feel that way. Everyone deserves someone who supports and encourages them in all facets of life. You sound like a nice girl, you deserve someone who respects you. He obviously doesn't.

  • He wants a woman he can demean and control.

    He sees that you have a lot of great qualities and may feel intimated by this.

    In order to boost his self esteem, he lowers yours.

    He may care for you, but it is clear that he has a lot of issues within himself.

    He doesn't know how to love a woman and until he learns how he cannot be in any relationship.

    Stop taking this abuse and move on.

    Put your head up, you deserve far better.