Can a commitment-phobe change?

[Silvaria]

So I finally figured out that the guy I've been seeing for 8 months is a commitment-phobe.

Long story short, we met in January and started dating on February 1st. We were seeing each other every week, multiple times. Twice I tried to have the "relationship" talk with him, once at 3 months in and once at 6 months, but he was pretty clear both times that he didn't want an official label. I did but I was enjoying his company and decided to let it slide.

In mid-August we were invited by some friends of mine to go whitewater rafting, and had a fantastic day together. I even told my friend that for the first time I felt like we were a real "couple" because of the way he was acting with me.

Right after that, he went incommunicado on me. He would answer the phone when I called, but didn't initiate any contact. I gave him several chances to walk away, asking him if this was one of those things where "it's been good but not really into it anymore" and he declined to take advantage of the "out" each time, saying that yes, he really had just been super-busy lately.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago briefly, and just before he left, he hugged me tightly and kissed me, which was uncharacteristic for him because he's not very affectionate. He also texted me the other day and wished me a happy birthday.

Puzzled by why, after 7 months of weekly dates he suddenly kind of vanished on me, I did some research online and realized that he is a commitment-phobe. Since then I've been reassessing the situation and wondering if it's a dead-end. It's obvious that he cares about me deeply but at the same time, those feelings obviously frighten him on some level.

I've not yet decided what to do but I would greatly appreciate opinions on whether or not someone like him can ever change, or if this is just the way he is going to be for the rest of his life.

Thank you in advance. :)

Yes, with time and patience.

Yes, but they must want to change and actively work on it.

Nope, never.

Updates

+1 y

Thank you for all the replies. Things are still up in the air right now but I'm going forward with eyes wide open. I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond. :)

[UnderDriven]

If he truly has full-blown commitment phobia, then it is extremely unlikely he will spontaneously snap out of it. He may attempt to override it for a brief time, but it is very difficult to keep that up forever. It might be possible to make some progress through counseling as with other phobias, but it would take some time and a real commitment on his part...

However, there are various degrees of commitment phobia--some people have a little bit of it and some people have it to a high degree. Just because he may exhibit some signs of CP doesn't mean he is a lost cause. But if he is unwilling to have an honest and open discussion about your relationship and his possible CP, then I don't see much hope...

[Silvaria]

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm still trying to figure out how deep his phobia runs. I think he did override it for a while but as soon as he realized we were getting close, that's when he ran. But he can't seem to let me go completely, and from what I have read, the ones who are far gone usually do, so I'm honestly hoping there is still a chance but I recognize that there may not be.

I will definitely consider talking to him about it.

[UnderDriven]

CP is one example of cognitive dissonance: being attracted and repulsed by the same thing. There is a point where these forces balance, and the person may be able to stay at that point for a long time, most likely with variations as one force is temporarily stronger for a time. However, their emotional balance point is usually inadequate for another person who does not have CP. If you are willing to accept his balance point you can have a relationship, but it may not be enough for you...

[UnderDriven]

(cont.) The goal of therapy would be to slowly shift his balance point toward attraction and away from repulsion. How long it would take and whether his balance point would ever match yours is unknown. Of course, I am implying that we all have such a balance point--people usually have some sort of limit on how close they can get to another person. But someone with full-blown CP clearly cannot approach the balance point that most people consider "normal"...

[yopyopyop]

After reading your comments, I think the only way is to be patient and understanding, or to break up and find someone who's more assertive with feelings;

[harveykinkle]

There's people who are "commitment phobes" then there are those who are unfortunately just unwilling to commit to you.

I'm casually dating this guy and it's been over 4 months but I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS commit to him. NEVER! I love him, see him all the time and we're affectionate but he is not the type to make a commitment with. I've met another guy and though it's early I would consider it with him if things continue going well.

Before continuing this relationship (if you want more from him) you need to find out where he stands and what he wants out of the relationship with you.

[AdamThomas]

It doesn't sound like he is going to change his mind, he must have had some bad experiences in the past. How did you find out that he was a commitment-phobe?

[Silvaria]

I Google'd "signs of a commitment phobe" and realized that he fit a number of them.

They dislike planning ahead, they are often difficult to reach and are unreliable about returning phone calls/texts, they have frequent career changes, they rarely ever own property or even a car, many have never had a "real" girlfriend, and as soon as the relationship begins to show signs of becoming committed, they start sabotaging or run the other way.

[Silvaria]

And yes, he had a horrible, sexually abusive childhood with his biological parents. He was then adopted but his adoptive dad never wanted another child & was railroaded into it by his overbearing, controlling adoptive mom.

He didn't lose his virginity until he was 27, and she did it because she felt sorry for him. Afterwards, she made fun of him for having a small d*** (he doesn't) & telling him that he was horrible in bed (he isn't).

So yah, he's had some bad experiences. :(

[AdamThomas]

Wow... Well it's easy to see why he'd be a commitment-phobe then, that's horrible. I don't think he will change his mind, sounds like the damage has been done. I guess it's up to you whether you want to accept that and carry on seeing him, or leave for someone who wants a committed relationship.

[Silvaria]

I do agree that it is likely that the damage has been done, but I admit that I'm not quite ready to walk away yet. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts. :)

[Anonymous]

Commitmentphoby is a phase, a phase that should be overcame at your age. 15 yo commitmentphobic? Pretty common. 20 yo? Not that common, but still possible. 25 yo? Immaturity sign. 30+? He has a complex.

[jessijun]

Yes, but they must want to change and actively work on it.