It never fails to amaze me how often the same kinds of questions come up in the Sexual Behavior topic on GirlsAskGuys.
I commend the site developers for bringing back the myTake feature. It has saved me a LOT of typing. This myTake is about the recurring question: "How do I ask my SO to do X sexually?"
There's a fairly simple formula that seems to work really well, at least based on the feedback I've gotten from literally dozens of members that have tried it.
In this age of texting, something I abhor for intimate communications, people have essentially lost the ability to have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation, especially when it comes to intimate matters. As much as 93% if personal communication is non verbal so when we text, we use emoticons to try to make up for some of the data loss but it's a very poor substitute for body language and tone of voice. Therefore, I strongly advise against texting in matters of the heart and sexual topics. This becomes progressively more important as emotions become more intense.
Talking to your SO about sex boils down to some basic things: how, when, and where. This Take isn't specific to the exact topic of the conversation but it applies to just about all situations. Whether it's why aren't we having sex as much anymore to why aren't we as close as we used to be to just about anything else, these same techniques apply.
How: When you're in a meeting at work, people engage in calm, direct, matter of fact conversations. There's no drama, no name calling, no raised voices. We have all worked for managers who were masters of calm, direct, matter of fact conversation and they are a joy to work for. No matter what the subject, their calm demeanor keeps us calm. Their direct, matter of fact delivery makes hearing them easier, even in the worst of situations. This same technique will give you a huge leg up when talking to your SO about sensitive topics like sex.
When: Some time when there isn't time pressure to finish your conversation right away. Adequate time is a prerequisite for a successful conversation.
Where: My advice is take your SO our for an intimate drink. After all, this is an intimate topic.
Settle in and turn the mood positive. Tell them how much you appreciate/love/etc them. Use your own words but that's the message. A little known or at least oft overlooked fact first came to my attention when I read John Gray's book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. in that book, he stated a fact that cannot be over emphasized to the ladies: the most important thing in the world to a man is to be appreciated. Appreciation is like a drug to men. We just eat it up. You almost can't over do it. Most of us remember those girls in high school that the boys just doted on and couldn't do enough for. They weren't the prettiest, the sexiest, or the easiest. They were the girls that knew to appreciate it when a boy did something for them. Guys who are appreciated cannot wait for the chance to do something else so they can get another dose of that drug. Ladies! Pay attention. This is a critical thing to know about your man.
Tell them you enjoy sex with them or some other positive about sex with them. Ask them how they feel about your sex life together. Then shut up and listen, carefully. It's even more important to listen to what they don't say. Guys! Where appreciation is the most important thing to a man, being heard is the most important thing to a woman. So listen. Lean forward a bit and let them know that you're hearing them and care about what they have to say. An expectant smile is the best expression. Don't worry about figuring out what you're going to say. That will take care of itself.
Most importantly, do not interrupt. When your SO is done, ask them if there's anything else. Maintain your attentive demeanor. Oftentimes, the best stuff comes out during a follow on answer. If they give you an opening to discuss what you wanted to talk about during their answer, use it when they're done. If not, tell them something in particular that you like about what they do. Then tell them what you need. This is where it's paramount that you be your calmest, your most diplomatic but direct, and the most matter of fact. Usually, the less emotion that is in your voice, the better it will be received. If the tone is accusatory, whining, and otherwise emotional, everyone's natural reaction is to raise the usual barriers and retreat behind them. You've gone to all the trouble to set the stage in a way that will enhance the communication. Don't mess it up now by whining. Then again, listen to what they have to say. Don't fall into the trap of thinking about what you're going to say next. That will take care of itself. Don't let them dodge the issue or change the subject. Bring them gently but firmly back to the subject. That's the beauty of calm, direct, matter of fact conversation. It gives you the advantage.
I understand these conversations are scary because we don't know what they're going to say but until we get them on the table, they can't get resolved. Be brave and ask for what you want.
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