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Reasons to NOT do Friends with Benefits

Reasons to NOT do Friends with Benefits

Now I'm going to start off by saying, this take will not apply to everyone. Everybody's life is different andeveryone has their own opinions on things, but from learning what I have in my life and from other people's lives, I thought I just had to quickly throw this out there since I have been seeing so many girls asking questions about their friend with benefits ignoring them or whatever. So here we go.

1. Emphasis on the "Friends" part

You can take a perfectly good friendship and completely destroy it trying to involve sex without a relationship. Chances are once one of the two people decides to move on with their life and get a real boyfriend or girlfriend it will be too awkward to continue to have them in your life after this. They could've been someone you were really close to, got along with really well, was always there for you, and now that friendship has been thrown away.

2. Attachment

I'm going to say that in 99.9% of friends with benefits relationships, SOMEONE will eventually get feelings for the other person whether it be in 3 months or 3 days or whenever. The other person will often not return those feelings so here comes the heartbreak. This is what I've been seeing on so many questions on this website, people having feelings for their friend with benefits and wondering why that person does not initiate texts with them, or why they stood up their "date." It's because you are a piece of meat to them, not someone they are going to go out of their way for.

3. Your Dignity

This one applies to women mostly. Why let some guy use you for free sex when you could be in a relationship where you're treated with respect and your feelings are responded to? Sure, you may love being around this guy and sleeping with him, but in the end you will get hurt when you are rejected and finally "dumped."

4. It's going to end eventually

I don't know about everyone else, but I don't try for a relationship unless it has long term potential. Don't do friends with benefits and wait around thinking that eventually it will blossom into a relationship and you'll get married and have children and live happily ever after. This is only a temporary fling and another notch on your belt so to speak.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • The 2nd part.
    Don't ride roller coasters because you might end up puking? There is an inherit risk in everything.

    Don't understand the 3rd one either.
    Why is the girl automatically the victim or the one being "used" for sex? Isn't she using the guy just as much for sex. Isn't the sex consensual?

    That is just one huge double standard where sex is like a gift from a girl and the guy should just be forever grateful that she is doing such a sacrifice for him. Why is there an assumption that the guy will be the dumper and the girl will be hurt? I've seen the opposite scenario more times.

    And the 4th part.
    Yes, it's going to end. Everything ends eventually. It's like saying don't eat that chocolate cake because it will not last forever.

    It's really easy to find reasons not to do things. You can always find situations where it might not end well. You can either choose to live a sheltered life or take some chances in life, it's up to you.

    The solutions is to not be naive. Understand the potential risks. Don't play football and come crying that you got tackled really hard. This applies to pretty much everything.

    • As far as 3 goes, that's falls into the category with the girl getting feelings for the guy. If you're the type that gets emotion involved in sex then don't consent to getting used. Everything doesn't end eventually, relationships can lead to marriage and if that is what you are looking for then don't do friends with benefits.

    • Yes, everything does end eventually. But you are perhaps planning on living forever?

    • No but I'm pretty sure you know what I am talking about. I mean everything in this life. People can be married to one another until they both die.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I honestly hate this whole friends with benefits, fuck buddies etc whatever thing. People just view sex as a way to pleasure themselves. They don't see it as a love bond or something special anymore. It's just sex.
    In the end of it your both going to be hurt. Even if you don't catch feelings. A part of you will be missing. You'll always remember having sex with that friend. They've become a part of you.

    • You couldnt have said better! I think isactly the same! People that do this are just pathetic.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • "Perfectly good friendship" doesn't apply here. If it was perfectly good then no one would be entertaining the idea of incorporating sex in to the mix unless both parties think there could be progression in to a full blown healthy relationship.

    It never seems to be this way. One person, whether it's the girl or guy, makes this proclamation that they want to keep the friendship but just have sex. The willing partner will agree. Neither one of them will understand that if this is as far as it goes, the friendship will likely end or the friendship is never the same for the worse.

    If you're being invited in to a friends with benefits arrangement, ask yourself why. Is this person truly a caring person toward you? Have they said all the sweet-nothings to make you think that your friendship is treasured so much that sex might even lead to something more one day? Or do they say things you want to hear to agree to sex? Will they truly NOT care if you have a friends with benefits but stop the sex because you want to pursue a relationship with someone else? (I've heard all too often that friends with benefits partners who initiate the arrangement stop talking to their friends with benefits partner once they find someone else.) If there was supposed to be any great friendship here, the two great friends should know that nothing will be the same afterward. Nothing. And if it isn't clear then, then watch what happens when one or both want to have a relationship after them what their future partners will think of their friendship knowing they were intimate once. Likely, the new partners are going to treat them no differently than any other ex, wishing they would just be out of their lives.

    I think if two people really valued each other as friends, they should keep their clothes on together. I'm not against friends with benefits as a whole. I say go for it if that person in your life is dispensable. But almost always, people fool themselves in these arrangements thinking they got all their bases covered, and they have no idea how wrong they are. People change, feelings change. If you have a great friendship, sex only either improves things taking you both to the next level of a relationship, or it ruins things and you might lose your friend over time.

    I actually enjoy seeing a friends with benefits progress in to love. It's always sweet and tells a nice story. On the other side, friends with benefits fall outs piss me off hearing about them. I hate learning that one used the other or one wasn't honest about their feelings at the beginning.

  • People are saying #3 is sexist. I think both sexes should take someone proposing a friends with benefits arrangement as an insult. Your friend is basically saying "I'd like to fuck you but I don't consider you good enough to date".

  • I'm not gonna say that friends with benefits is bad for literally everyone, but I can't think of any woman I'd want to sleep with that I wouldn't also want to pursue a serious relationship with. This is probably a recipe for lost friendships.

  • good thinking. This friends with benefits thing was invented by a man pretending to be a woman somewhere.

  • I have a few things I want to disagree with, but I'll list them below.

    In my experience, for a friends with benefits relationship to work, you have to me SUPER laid back. Like extremely chill. Living-in-the-moment type of chill. You also have to be kind of emotionally detached. The both of you shouldn't be looking for anything serious, and I MEAN it. Not even with half an eye should you be looking for anything, at all. This is what makes it so rare for a relationship like this to work, because A. most people aren't really super chill and B. even though a lot of people SAY they don't want any commitment, deep down a part of them still wants it badly and that will make the whole tower topple over. Even if it's just a teeny tiny little subconscious thought.

    And this is why, if you're actually truly super chill and not looking for anything, number 4 won't affect you. You're living in the moment, rolling with the punches, so you don't really care if it's going to end or not.

    I'd like to disagree with this though:
    "It's because you are a piece of meat to them, not someone they are going to go out of their way for."
    That's not the case in a lot of FWB-type relationships. Especially if you were friends for a long time before you started having sex. You might be a piece of meat to them if you literally just met and had a one night stand. But I'd like to believe that if this is someone you've known for years, they're not as likely to view you as just a piece of meat. Very few people would try to hook up with someone for such a long time. Most people who are only looking to have sex want it ASAP, not a few years down the road. So if they're an actual FRIEND to you too, and you've shared a lot of friendly nice moments without any physical aspects getting in the way, they most likely don't just view you as a piece of meat. However, this obviously doesn't mean they're harboring any deeper feelings for you. They can still like you as a friend and a sex partner without wanting more.

    This is why I also disagree with this:
    "Why let some guy use you for free sex when you could be in a relationship where you're treated with respect"
    as well. If you willingly have an friends with benefits type of relationship and you're not being led on, then you're not being used. Well technically you are, but you're using each other since you most likely enjoy the sex yourself, so it evens out. I would also like to add that plenty of friends with benefits relationships have respect in them. Just because someone doesn't...

    • ... want to commit to you, it doesn't automatically mean they disrespect you. It's all about what you want and what they want, as well as what they can give and what you can give. Obviously if you KNOW you want something more, don't go into something like this expecting the other person to change. But that has nothing to do with disrespect or dignity. If a no strings attached-relationship is what you want, how is it less dignified? Or how is it disrespectful?

  • Number 3: has it ever occured to you that there are many women out there who love NSA sex?

    But I don't do friends with benefits. I have lovers.. some of them started as a ONS.

    A friend is friend because it's platonic and there's no sexual attraction. At least to me!

  • Mindset are changing, so #3 might not be a reason.

    #4 only becomes a problem if #2 is there for one of the two.
    That's the only reason

    #1 is so hard to manage that unless they both fall in love and stay together , it has the potential to kill a great friendship.

    Friends with benefits should only be between two people who definitely know they can't be more and honest about it , So its probably someone that is not a friend but a lover where only the sex is great and nothing more.

    Friends with benefits without risk doesn't exist.

  • Good take on the friends with benefits.

    I have problem with #3, why let a man use you? Most friends with benefits, are started by the female with the intention of using the guy for sex.

    The thing about friends with benefits or any other kind of casual sexual relationship with a female is, that the longer it goes on and depending on the time you spend together alone the female usually starts to develop an emotional attachment.

    Most women say they can separate love and sex, but very few really can.

    • Yea I don't think any woman should let a man use her for sex. If he tells her that's all she wants she should cut him off immediately

    • *he wants

    • That's pretty much how it goes. They can start it THINKING it will just be sex, but once they get feelings they will typically continue to let the guy use them for sex. It is hard for women to separate love and sex, and they tend to get attached very easily.

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  • Good take. I think #3 applies to both sexes and I'd also like to add that most guys will not take you seriously as a girlfriend if you are in a friends with benefits relationship. Who knows how many doors you're unintentionally closing by being in one.

    • I love your logic and reasoning here. This is so true. Wish more people thought like this

  • 3 and 4 can be applied to dating, too.

    How is sex with a friend you trust undignified? Why do you have to look at an agreement between two consenting adults as ugly as you do, using words like 'using', and equating friends with benefits to being disrespected and ignored? Rejected and finally dumped happens with couples, too, so I don't see how that's a good argument.

    Same with 'it's going to end eventually'. Everything ends, even your relationships with long term potential. The only way for you to know if someone is husband/wife material is by trying them out, and the same goes for a friends with benefits relationship. It's a gamble; It's a risk, and you can't have high inhibition going into it, much like a relationship.

    You seem to be blending Fuck Buddy with friends with benefits. A friends with benefits is you and I are friends but we realize that we're attracted to one another and fuck sometime during our hangout. A Fuck Buddy is someone you call for some ass every now and then.

    I'm only disagreeing with your take because of the angle you came at it. I agree that a lot of women have the wrong idea about a friends with benefits relationship and they should really think about what it is they want and understand what exactly they're getting into before entering one, but to say that a friends with benefits relationship is undignified and the friend is using and abusing them is wrong and extremely exaggerated.

  • It's another notch on the guy's belt so to speak. I was actually going to write a mytake on this but I'm glad you beat me to the punch. You really took the words right out of my mouth so to speak

  • YMMV. None of these condemnations are necessarily true. Have you actually had FWBs yourself, Take Owner?

    1. 'Chances are'? I've always remained friends with FWBs because we were both mature about it all. If you can't handle that, don't become FWBs.

    2. Also not true. Again, maturity - separate sex and emotion. If you can't do this, know that you shouldn't do this. If you can, go for it! The way this point is written says the friends aspect doesn't exist, which should not be the case or you aren't FWBs: you're just two people who hook up.

    3. Not all women need touchy feely 'feelings' to enjoy sex. Give them the dignity of acknowledging that they can have a sex drive and a desire for some no-strings fun.

    4. How wonderful that you don't want anything except long term. Not everyone will agree with you. Not everyone will even care. This is yet again a case of fully understanding with FWBs is and what it isn't.

    If anything, your title is incorrect - you aren't condemning FWBs as a concept so much as people who get into it expecting something else.

    • Yes I have had a relationship like that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions as mentioned above. This is just my experience with it and many other people who I associate with.

    • Thanks, I was curious given you seem to set against it. Like I said, I don't think FWBs is wrong, but people have to understand what it is and what it isn't, and a lot of folks don't.

    • I know it's not for me. I think usually what happens is that people find it is not what they thought it was going to be. It truly does have "no strings attached," and it's easy for people to forget that rule and expect something else to come out of it when it actually happens.

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  • It could work out if you both know what you're getting into. I had one for 2 years and it worked out fine.

    • I think it's usually unexpected feelings that arise and cause the issues. You're actually the first person I've heard to have one that worked out

    • Yeah that's true. It's not really for everyone.

  • Great take ❤

    • Thank you. <3

  • the only real problem i see is the attachment part.

    3. if both friends find each other sexy and would enjoy sex with each other then how is he "using" her? it´s consensual. therefore it´s what both want. nothing that hurts anybodies dignity.

    2. attachement is a problem, therefore you need to communicate and see if both are still on the same pache becuase:

    4. it´s going to end. it´s a temporal thing, everybody who does it, is perfectly clear about it.

    so i guess if you´re able to communicate, it´s not a problem for you. if you still hurt yourself or lose a friend: so what? shit happens. friends come and go, that´s life.

  • #3 is sexist as fuck, oh god. Where is your self respect? Don't think you, as a woman, can enjoy sex? Breaking news: Women likes sex too. Why is it always the man using the women if two people have sex outside a relationship? In most friends with benefits situations, both are "using" each other just for sex. He is not an asshole who doesn't respect her, and she is not a cheap whore, they're just two people enjoying sex with each other.

    • *Don't you think a woman can enjoy sex

    • Excellent point.

    • Yes that one was very degrading to everyone.

  • #3 is clearly from a woman's perspective, but it applies to men as well. :) I've been on the receiving end. I wanted a relationship, she just wanted to bang. Some called me gay for turning her down.

    But great take :)

    • Indeed.

  • 3 is exaggerared and leaves the impressionthat really only guys want sex and "use" their friend with benefits for "free sex". Women want sex just as much, so kind of a moot point to make.

    • ^^^ Completely exaggerated.

  • But why go without sex while waiting for a real relationship to come along? After all, friends with benefits is safer than hooking up with strangers.

  • you humans make sex into this mystical creature. Stop doing that and just treat sex like any old hobby and you'll be fine.

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