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Rachel Hills is a New York-based journalist who writes about feminism, sociology, politics and creativity, among other things, in very well-known magazines and newspapers. She has also wirtten a book named The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality, and we had the honor of interviewing her about it.
@simonbooks are giving away 5 copies of my book #thesexmyth over at Tumblr. Head to simonbooks.tumblr.com to find out how you can win. #giveaway #feminist #feminism #sexpositive #sociology #psychology #authorlife #books #amreadingUna foto publicada por Rachel Hills (@msrachelhills) el 13 de Ago de 2015 a la(s) 12:50 PDT
1. What is your book “The Sex Myth” about?
Rachel: The Sex Myth examines the stories we tell ourselves about sex, and how those stories shape the way we think and feel about our own sex lives.
In particular, it looks at how having the “right” kind of sex life – whether that means never being without a boyfriend, girlfriend or fuck buddy, or waiting until you get married to have sex – is treated as a marker of status and desirability, and how sex is positioned as “an act unlike any other,” something that is both more exciting and more morally fraught that anything else we do.
2. How and why do you think this myth is created and sustained?
Rachel: The sex myth is everywhere in our culture. It’s in women’s magazine headlines about how to have your BEST SEX EVER. It’s in the idea that when you have penetrative sex for the first time you’ll be transformed from a naïve child into a knowing adult. It’s in the idea that men can’t control themselves when they’re aroused (because sex is just that powerful). And it’s in the idea that there is a “right” type of sex life you should be having to be a “good girl” or an “empowered woman.”
And the sex myth isn’t just created by media and popular culture. It’s also sustained by the everyday conversations we have with our friends, acquaintances, and family, and the subtle but very much keenly noticed cues we give one another about what sex is supposed to be.
3. Does pornography have a lot to do with the way we live our sexuality nowadays? If so, how?
Rachel: I think pornography is less central to the way we live our sexuality than a lot of people think it is. Some people think that internet pornography is a game changer (although Tinder seems to have taken on that role more recently) – that it’s perverting the way that young people in particular do sex, and creating unrealistic expectations of what sex and bodies should be like.
Most pornography isn’t realistic – it’s not supposed to be! But the things that most people don’t like about porn – violence, sexism, idealized bodies and so on – don’t originate in porn. Porn is just replicating the ideas that are already in circulation in our society. Nor is porn sexist or violent by definition. There are as many different types of porn our there as there are human fantasies.
4. What are some negative consequences of living by the sex myth?
Rachel: The main negative consequence is just that it makes sex and relationships so much more stressful than they need to be. It means that our sexual choices carry this additional symbolic and emotional weight. If I hook up with someone of the same sex, does that “make” me gay? If I sleep with someone I’m not in a relationship with, am I slut? If I don’t have sex for a year because there’s no one around I want to do it with, am I unattractive or wasting my youth? If I don’t have sex with my boyfriend or girlfriend for a week or two, is our relationship doomed?
Ie: a society that places high value on sex but doesn't equip people with the tools to negotiate a sex life that works for them.
— rachelhills (@rachelhills) August 24, 20155. Do you think fantasy is an inherent element of human sexuality?
Rachel: I think so. Both in the sense that most of us have fantasies – things that turn us on or that we would like to try – and in the cultural sense that I talk more about in the book. I don’t believe that human beings are “naturally” one way or the other when it comes to sex and relationships, but I do think that if there is one thing that makes us human, it’s our inclination to tell stories about ourselves and impose meaning and symbolism onto the world around us.
6. What are some positive aspects of post-modern human sexuality?
Rachel: There are lots. I think we have seen some of the taboos around what was once seen as “bad” sex melt away, such as the stigma around same-sex relationships and some types of kink. Premarital sex is no longer controversial except in the most conservative of circles, and women have more permission to explore sex outside the context of a relationship. For all the necessary talk about rape culture at the moment, first sex experiences also tend to be more wanted and consensual than they were in previous generations.
7. What are some of today’s double standards regarding sex and sexuality?
Rachel: If you’re not having sex you’re a loser, if you’re having too much sex you’re a slut. You should be kinky enough to keep your partner interested, but not so kinky that you freak them out. Being gay or trans is acceptable, but only if you “pass” – eg Caitlyn Jenner.
8. What do you think of one-night stands?
Rachel: If you’re attracted to someone, you want to have sex with each other, and you’re open to the situation ending there, that’s great. Go ahead. But you don’t have to have them in order to prove that you’re empowered. And of course, plenty of casual sex relationships last for more than one night!
9. What would be a healthy way of approaching sexuality and sex life?
Rachel: I think the ideal is to allow yourself to be wherever you are at this point in time, and to allow that where you’re at might change over time. So if sex is really important to you right now, go with that. Have lots of sex, explore, learn what you like and don’t like. If you’re not having sex right now, that doesn’t mean you won’t be next month or next year. A drought isn’t the end of the world. If you think you’re interested in someone of a different gender than you’re typically attracted to, try not to stress too much about what it “means.” If you want to have sex three times a week, great; if you only want to do it once a fortnight, that’s fine too.
10. And finally, do you think sexual education should be improved? If so, how?
Rachel: Assuming issues like contraception and the fact that people have sex are already covered (ie, we’re not talking abstinence only education), I’d like to see three things.
- Incorporating media and pop cultural literacy into the curriculum, looking critically at everything from gender stereotypes (guys are only after one things, girls need to be persuaded), to the range of ages that people first have sex (a good chunk are still virgins at the end of high school, and 25% are at the age of 20), to what a “good sex” life looks like.
- A less exclusive focus on intercourse, and a broader focus on being “sexual.”
- Talk about enthusiastic consent, and the fact that consent isn’t just the lack of a “no” but also the presence of a clear “yes.”
You can visit Rachel Hill's website and follow her on Twitter.
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